This one time at cripple camp

You don't want to know the rest, and if you really do come see my act. Some fucked up shit went down there. I'll never forget you camp Hemlocks in Hebron CT or the eagle rock I would always start crying at on the way to be dropped off because I knew it meant we were almost there and god I hated that fucking place. But who would have thought all these years later it would be providing hilarious material for my stand-up routine. Anyway, I have lots of shows coming up and I need to bring anywhere from 3 to 5 people to all of them so I'll write the info below. What? We all have to start somewhere, sure right now I'm doing free shows that I have to get my family (who mostly hates me) and my friends (mostly imaginary) and my workers (mostly morons) to go and pay usually $10 plus $1.73 fee for Mohegan shows. The one at the Funny Bone is free if you use the promocode CLASH when you call for tickets. All you have to do is say your there to see your boy Bob Al Held when you pick them up. Anyway here's my upcoming schedule.

Oct 12 (Van permitting) at the Chill Zone in New Haven at 5pm.  Its a clean show for the easily offended

Oct 26th - Clash of the Comics at the Funny Bone in the Manchester Mall... you can get in for free again by using the promocode CLASH and mentioning your favorite cripple Bob Al Held is the performer you're there to see

Oct 27th / Nov 10th/ Nov 17th -  Comix Mohegan Sun shows start at 10pm and tickets are $10 plus a $1.73 fee

Here's videos of my last two performances so you can see how fucking hilarious I am.

Also, here is my newest shirt design to go with one of my jokes. As soon as they are ordered and delivered it will be sold at all my shows plus on my website cripplecreation.com.  I know you want one so you can help me go to Vegas in February. For the haters out there reading this, I don't care what I have to do for money or sell I'M GOING BACK! New shirt picture here

I haven't talked shit about anyone on here in a while so I will be doing so now. Unfortunately my worker deleted the message so I can't prove it 100% but this chick that is an executive producer on Channel 3 WFSB in CT News was selling a really fancy purse on one of those Tagsale groups on Facebook. I don't remember what brand because I'm not gay, but I know it was some fancypants one. Now keep in mind this chick probably got this bag for free at one of the events she went to for WFSB. Not only did she get mad at my worker for not giving her the full asking price for the purse, but she also bragged about spending $400 just to get it fixed. Fuck, if you want to waste $400 help me buy a flight or two to Vegas. But yeah just because you're some rich entitled bitch that thinks you're a big deal because you produce stories about not forgetting your baby in the backseat and how to survive a bear attack doesn't give you the right to be a bitch to whoever you want. So Stephanie Hoey, I just want to give a special fuck you shout out on my blog to you. Here's the bitch in question she even looks like a C U Next Tuesday... I can't get a real reporting job but this nice lady can.


Finally, this is a funny story about the creepy Canadian that works for me. First, and yes this story will be going in my act, one day her and I were watching the news. On it, there was a story about how they are trying to make Narcan (no idea how to spell it) more available to EMTs and emergency room doctors. But for those that don't know, it is a drug that helps people who are overdosing to stop, so basically it can save a lot of lives. However, when the creepy Canadian saw it she said good I'm glad its not as available right now they should just let people die. Um, creepy Canadian don't you work in a hospital where they have saved people in front of you with this? What kind of people are they saving that you feel this way? Also, your in charge of my personal well being 20-30 hours a week, I hope I'm never dying in front of you otherwise your response might be ehhh just let him die he had a good run. But he's 31, which is 75 in cripple years, its time to old yeller him.  Aka take him out back and shoot him in the head. Now that shes pissed at me for writing all this, she got this funny recall letter in the mail about her car recently. Its hard to read but basically it says we know there's a problem and that it needs to be fixed but they're not going to fix it until sometime in 2017. So yeah basically they're saying you might blow up and die but fuck you we don't care before the new year. Good luck and drive safe! May the odds be forever in your favor. Whatever car company made this vehicle, I do not want it when I get a new cripple van. hahaha I'm funny thats never happening. Unless I somehow survive it blowing up with me inside!