Watch this video, it may be the greatest comedian/comedic performance that you'll ever see.
I've only been doing Comedy for six months, but this guy has been at it for eight years. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that I do the same shows as him...but I hope if I'm still rollin' around this earth in eight years, to be slightly near as talented as he is. Because let's be honest... nobody can top that. Also, I know what you're thinking and sorry ladies, he's married. But he'll happily give you one of his business cards after one of his performances. They're probably going to be worth thousands one day, so I suggest you grab one now. I have the honor and privilege of performing with him again at Comix Mohegan on February 23rd. To say I can't wait would be an understatement. Sure, he won't accept my friend request on Facebook, but he did accept one of my workers, coming from someone that hilarious and talented, I guess that's the best I can hope for.
I'm thinking of putting on a show in Cheshire if I can rent the hall I want to perform in for cheap enough and get the right equipment. Yeah, I'm tired of performing for free, or even better, trying to make people pay for tickets to shows that I'm not even getting paid to perform at. As great as that five minutes of stage time is, and I know it's the only way I would've gotten to perform the Hartford FunnyBone and Comix Mohegan Sun. I'm not talking shit, I don't mind doing shows like that, it's good exposure. And I know that's how you have to work your way into getting paid shows, but I'm gonna try doing it myself, just to see how it goes. Don't worry, Ed Seward will be invited to perform at my showcase, and I can only hope he will say yes. If not, I'll cry harder than when Clay Aiken lost American Idol...just typing that brought a tear to my eye. It's not fair damnit! America wasn't ready for such a beautiful soul. I mean it was only 2003, but now we have a reality show host as a President. I say let's make Clay Aiken great again. Sorry this paragraph went sideways real fast. New shirt idea? I think so!
So I know I've pissed a lot of people off over the years asking for money for a lot of things, but this one even out does me.... Yes a lot of people bitched at me for raising money to go to Vegas for my 30th Birthday(all my other gofundme's were jokes except for wanting a new van, if you had to ride around in that piece of shit you'd understand). But anyway, this pornstar on the snap chat, because I'm a very classy dude, tried to start a gofundme to get a new pair of tits... I shit you not! The best part is she already has massively fake ones, much to her dismay and perverts across the world, it got shutdown. Who would have thought Gofundme has a line, and that someone found out what it is and crossed it. But did this stop this bitch? Hell no! She tried to go to a different crowdfunding website to get her newer faker tits. The fucked up part is there are so many desperate perverted guys out there, that somehow think by donating to this they have a chance with this bitch, who never leaves the West Coast... she's afraid of flying, yeah.. I know way too much about her life! So I'm guessing she will eventually get the money for her fake tits. But I'm an asshole for wanting a new wheelchair ramp van when my current one breaks down all the time, is 12 years old and has more problems than Muslims trying to enter this country, all because I tried to do two Gofundme's in two years. Perverted asshole? You bet I am. But I don't make a living showing my asshole on camera, literally. And did I mention this chick is a mom and is trying to get more donations by promising donors of $20 of more free pictures and $100 or more free videos. Um hello, just go on pornhub or google her name, there are tons of FREE pictures and videos of her all over the internet. Her son is going to be so proud of her when he is old enough to realize mommy is a paid whore. I call it the ex wife's or Cynthia's future around 2025! And the grossest part is, she lets these perverts buy and send things that she then gives to her son to play with. Why don't you just ask Chester the Molester to come violate you and your child in California. Good God, I hate people. I swear to God, when I go to Florida, BECAUSE I'M FUCKING GOING TO FLORIDA, I'm finding a nice crip home and never coming back! Yeah, I'll probably die from mistreatment there, but at least I'll be living where I'm happy. Below is the hoe:
Finally, if you ever want a reason for why certain people should be sterilized, watch the documentary "Stevie" on Netflix. I don't even know where to begin with this train wreck, it's two hours long and I wish it was even longer. The filmmaker was a big brother to Stevie in the early 1980's, and then after 10 years of not speaking to him, he goes to see what ever happened to him. Stevie grew up in rural Illinois, but it's so back ass that it might as well be the town in the movie Deliverance. Time has not been kind to Stevie, he lives in a trailer next to his grandma and sister's trailers, has been in and out of jail and the foster care system, and is currently unemployed collecting social security because he's so fucked up in the head he qualifies for disability. Also, his sister was married at 16 and has it the most together sadly that she's the one taking care of Stevie now. The movie is shot from 1993-1999, and ends after Stevie gets sentenced to 10 years in prison for molesting his eight year old cousin, are any of you surprised by that outcome?The movie sort of made me feel sorry for him because the way his life went, there was no other ending for him. But he is still a disgusting creep in my opinion and throughout the movie dates a mentally disabled girl. Sure Stevie is most definitely slow, but he's not mentally disabled and part of me thinks he likes dating her just because it's like being with a child. But yeah, anyway, the movie ends with Stevie getting his 10 year jail sentence, the filmmaker not sure if he's going to keep talking to Stevie and his family, and Stevie misbehaving in jail so he probably won't get out early for good behavior. Worst of all, his female mullet wearing sister sold all the trailers after he went to jail. She thinks she's livin' the high life now that ole' Stevie is behind bars. But even if he didn't get out early, he still would have gotten out in 2009, without any more offenses haha thats funny, because that definitely didn't happen. But seriously is there a sequel to this documentary? Is Stevie still even alive? Did him and his girlfriend live unhappily ever after? Did his female mullet sister find a new trailer park to live in? I need to know damnit!
Upcoming shows:
2/7 Hartford Funnybone Open Mic- free to get in so you better come out and support me damnit!
2/9 and 2/23 at Comix Mohegan Sun @ 10pm, tickets are $10 and both shows have great line ups!
3/17 Pawcatuck CT, free to get in and it's a Friday night and I need 4 people to come out and support me
3/21 Dante's Stratford CT, free to get in but need to bring 4 people and I'm competing in a contest that night so I really need your support!
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