Thank you QU Journalism School

Roast comedy these were jokes i was going to tell on June 3rd if I didn't have two prior commitments... again these are JOKES meant for a ROAST so if you're easily butt hurt, stop reading now... (I talk shit about myself too)

I couldn't be here tonight because I had to raise money for muscular dystrophy and then go to a Mets game so I got some asshole I went to high school with to read this for me... Except he probably can't do the cool talking robot voice that I like to use seriously, Giancarlo is what I like to call people herpes, I thought I lost this fat piece of crap 14 years ago but he still keeps popping up in my life! He is the only person I know that has done more time in rehab than me. One time he got my friends in our high school to drink toxic chemicals and I'm the one that had to ride the short bus to school everyday! 

 

Brian BARGINER organized this roast tonight and man do I hate that asshole... it's fine he hates me too... it takes a real winner to pick a fight with a cripple but leave it to Brian to find a way! Brian is a lot like Judah Friedlander as in people only think they are funny because of there hair and nobody ever heard of them. Thanks to Brian, crabs and pubic lice still exist but only on top of his head! Maybe he hates me because I fucked his mom? But whatever Brian needed a male roll model in his life.

 

Another comedian that likes to shit talk me in CT is Andrew Manning for those of you that don't know him? He? Looks like  if Ellen DeGenerous and Caitlyn Jenner had a son ? Seriously I think I could beat him? in a fist fight and sadly For the record I fucked more chicks than he ever will .. ..my mom drank and did drugs when she was pregnant with me .. what's Andrews moms excuse for producing that? 

 


Vinny Beedle is another degenerate comedian in Connecticut. So far, he has ripped two cripples off and a retarded guy and I've only known him since November. He said he was going to sue me for defaming his character well considering I saw him selling drugs by the middle school the other day I would say he doesn't have any character! Seriously, how has he not died of a overdose yet? I talked to Vinny's dad once on the phone which means I've had more of a relationship with him in five minutes than Vinny has had in 27 years ... 

 

Pat Oates once pretended his mom was dead to make fifty dollars and get on TV... The funny part is he doesn't have to pretend his mom is dead anymore because after he went on TV saying that, his mom killed herself since the public knew that was her son! Pat's children and I have something in common we both haven't seen our fathers since 2010 except my dad died not sure what his excuse is! And now that I've pissed off all the people who book me on there show I'm out of a job so I'll be giving hand jobs at the back of the bar later if your interested I know Brian's mom is !

Also I recently received an email that Jack Swagger will be appearing at an Indy Wrestling Show near me soon, so there goes my real American taking the belt from Jinder "I can't believe he's really the champ" Mahal. So I'm going with my other way more boring theory of John Cena coming back on or around 4th of July, Summer Slam, or Labor Day to beat Mahal and set the record for most WWE heavyweight championships won! ZzZzZz




 

Here is a mugshot of her real brother... Thank you journalism school. And now that everyone is offended, butt hurt, and I'm the most hated comedian in Connecticut again, I'll bitch about someone who used to work for me. Fool me once shame on you, fool me 5,006 shame on me! See the problem is I'm very picky about who I hire... What former hookers, and strippers need jobs too.. just kidding? You would be too. Sometimes 12-16 hours at a time. So yeah even though some of them are fucking terrible, and should have been fired six months ago, I keep them around because I'm afraid they're replacement will be worse. It has happened. I thought Gimpy was a train wreck, until I hired Bitch Face to replace her...  I used to have two rules for hiring people, and they were deal breakers if you couldn't meet the low expectations I set, one was no kids, and the other was no fat ugly bitches. But since I'm getting older and trying to settle down, I've decided to break these rules and as shallow an asshole as I am, every time I hire someone with kids or you know, the other thing, it has ended terribly! Latest example: The New Mom. I hired her in September, and finally and mercifully ol' yeller her earlier this month. In 8 months she would beg for extra shifts and then oh at least a half dozen times a month tried to get out of a shift SHE ASKED FOR or call out at the last second. Towards the end it got even better. She would either say she was on her way and never show up, or just not show up and not answer her phone when I tried to find out where she was. My personal favorite was the time all of my relatives and I mean ALL were in South Carolina, and she begged for one of the overnight shifts that weekend because she just needed a double shift for her paycheck or so she said, only to no call no show. Luckily this wasn't one of the times where the girl before her didn't leave assuming she was coming in, just coming late. Yes, that's how many times this has happened! I would tell the girl on the shift before her just to leave because I knew at some point her fat ass would come rolling in. Did I mention, she said she would never abandon me knowing my whole family was down the east coast. Well luckily, the girl before her stayed, but maybe I wasn't so lucky because it was ghetto trash bitch, until the ex wife surprisingly showed up! She NEVER takes extra shifts, but that is how bad this one was the ex wife showed up... sure she was stoned. NOT SURPRISINGLY! But at least she showed up, on what made for a very interesting night but that's a blog post for another day! Here are some of the billion excuses I got which i stupidly believed at the time, but now I'm 90% sure were all bullshit! Her mom tried to kill herself on multiple occasions, first of all if this were true, she would be in the psych ward with about 100 police reports on the incidents.. She wouldn't be going to Foxwoods every weekend or maintaining a 9-5 job Monday-Friday. one time she claimed she couldn't come in because her parents were at Foxwoods all night and she had no babysitter... Um your grandma also lives there and considering you brag that you get your stepdad to get you VIP access because he spends so much money there, you were probably with them the whole time... Cause you know all classy moms take their toddlers to the casino every weekend and stay up late with them instead of working to you know provide money for that child. And then you wonder why she had so many health problems... uh i don't know, maybe because you and your whole family smoked like chimneys and were constantly around that healthy casino air. Which leads to my next favorite excuse, her daughter was having too many seizures, and she had to take her to the military hospital in New London and only there for some reason. Gee what a coincidence, that hospital is right by the casino! I'd like to think you wouldn't lie about your daughter and your mom like that, but if you did there's a special place in hell for you! Also how are they high rollers at Foxwoods? Their house was the size of a postage stamp, and the piece of shit truck she drove made my van look like a Mercedes by comparison. Oh here's another good one, one time she was on vacation in Florida, and I forgot to fax the time sheets for her to get paid on time that week well you would have thought I shot her daughter with the huge dramatic fit she threw. She claimed she was going to be stranded in Florida because she wouldn't be able to pay her way home. First of all, you are there with your mom, grandma, and stepdad, who's a high roller at Foxwoods, and none of them could help you get home? Second, your husband works in the Military, he couldn't wire you money so you could get home? Third, you are from Florida, you have a million friends and relatives to help you get home.. So of course that following week she no called no showed out of spite just to get me mad! Then fast forward to last week, AFTER I fired her. First of all, her only complaint was making sure I paid her and sent in her last time sheet instead of apologizing for no call no showing when we were having a family party and she was supposed to be taking care of me. I thought the ex wife and big boobs McGee were selfish pieces of shit.. Congrats honey, you got them beat! But then you call my mom to bitch that the three extra hours you worked are not being paid because you can only work 25 hours through the state and you wrote 28. First of all I'm not letting you back in my house to fix that, second I have given you extra hours and my mom has given you bonuses in the past, third you owe me $40, that I'll never see again. Guess what 13.50x 3 hours is ? $40.50.. So I say we are even! But then since the state is stupid, instead of getting paid Friday my workers aren't getting paid until June 2, but then they also get paid on June 9 to make up for my mistake... Yes I get why it's annoying and frustrating. But of course she had to call my mom at work and blow my phone up saying her truck got repossessed on Friday because she didn't get paid. There's more holes in this story then Trump has with the Russians. First of all, you just moved. There's no way the repo company knows where you currently live. Second, the sent you like 100 notices and collection phone calls before they repossess it... Third, they do just about anything to have you pay it somewhat, so they could keep collecting money instead of paying someone to repossess it, and because you didn't get paid that exact day they came and repossessed it at 9am. As I texted her if you are going to lie at least make it a believable one. The scary part is, she wants to be a psychiatrist and work with former armed service members who have PTSD. Fuck I could use those services after hiring you for 8 months. Also, I'm pretty sure you're not going to make a good psychiatrist when you are a pathological liar. Look I got plenty of mental health problems myself, but if you ever read this and I'm being 100% serious, GET HELP! Before you drown your seven kids in a bath tub while your husband is at work. Well at least if she does that I could probably make some money telling stories about how crazy she was when she worked for me. yeah I know I'm going to hell too! Also if you see that jerk Tony, tell him he owes me $500. What movie is that from? If you don't know, kill yourself... Good night Michelle, and please come back to Fuller House!

I Wish I Was In the Babysitters Club

 

I'm too lazy to think of new stuff to write, so as punishment for Stoney Beroni not rooting for the welcoming committee AKA my boy James! I am having her write 3 pages of new jokes I came up with in my O-Town notebook. Ya know it serious when it goes down in the O-Town notebook. Iv'e been carrying that bitch around since 2000! When I used to use dial-up to get online and AIM to talk to my bitches... Did you know AIM still exists? How did I find this out? Through my job... yes you read that right... I have a job! My boss said if I ever had questions just message him on AIM and he gave me his screen name... but this is the same dude that asked me if I wanted to watch my training video on VHS or DVD.. so I'm pretty sure he still thinks that the Clintons are in the White House and probably has a beeper. I'm pretty sure I haven't used AIM in a solid ten years. I dont even remember what my screen name was never mind my password. I'll send a special prize to anyone who comments below and tells me what it was! The prize is these two Mets tickets from May 20 that I sold on Stub Hub, cause who wouldn't want that? Seriously, if somebody has no life enough to comment below what my AIM screen name is, I will actually send a prize! Nothing good because I'm a broke ass cripple. I just want to see who reads this shit.

 

Plus I'm pretty sure an apocalypse is coming because Jinder Mahal is WWE Champ! I shit you not Jinder fucking Mahal, who is the next WWE Champ? James Ellsworth? That would be amazeballs! Or Heath Slater? I mean he's got kids! So he really needs that title. Imagine the trailer and above ground pool they can get? Beulah and Rhyno would have cheese wiz and crackers for days!
 

My actual prediction, Jack Swagger comes out of whatever toilet stall he's been living in/ cleaning and beats Mahal to become thats right you read it correct, a TWO TIME WWE CHAMPION! Cause nothing says AMERI-CAH like the real American Jack Swagger beating ultimate heel/wanna be terrorist Jinder Mahal. My question is does he win Money in the Bank, and cash in like he did the first time to win the title? My guess is yes, and it is either on 4th of July, Labor Day, or around Summer Slam. Because AMERI-CAH! Ah fuck, who am I kidding?! John Cena will come back on one of these patriotic days to not only win the title from Mahal, but break the record for most WWE titles won because WWE has gotten so predictable I could write it from my living room. And I sleep from 4am to 2 pm daily.
 

And now for my jokes for all you assholes who never come to my shows.. as written by Stoney Beroni so if its fucked up she was imagining pink dragons.. this is what she looks like






In my life I've had to deal with a lot of cynical assholes. It used to be doctors telling everyone I'd be lucky to live to be five years old, now I've found even more cynical assholes, by having the brilliant idea to start comedy. Comedians are a bunch of cynical assholes, and this is coming from a bitter cripple. A lot of them resent me because I got more laughs, stage time, and gigs in six months than they've had in six years, and I am fucking all their moms and sisters backstage after the show. Wait, maybe that's why they hate me so much. Recently one of them bragged to me that there was a better comedian because he gets paid to do shows and I'm still doing them for free... He's right.. I saw someone offer him $50 to do a gig.. yeah 50 bucks to tell shitty jokes for 10 minutes... meanwhile, I get a couple thousand dollars from the government to sit on my ass! Tell me who's doing better in life ?! The same guy was asking people for rides to do shows in dive bars in West Virginia. I'm assuming it was court ordered, asking people for rides because he doesn't have a car. Meanwhile I'm rolling around in my moms minivan and I have hot botches driving me around... tell me who's doing better in life?! I'm never going to make it big in comedy because I don't kiss enough ass, I just pay people to wipe it. So clearly I'm the one doing better in life! Recently, I had someone ask me if I do drugs. Looking at me, what gives you any indication that I can do drugs? If anything, my mom did them when she was pregnant with me and look how well that turned out...also I can't move my own arms, how fucked up of a person would you have to be to help me snort coke or shoot up heroine? What am I going to do, yell at my workers, tell them to shoot me up with some fucking heroine and help me snort a couple lines right fucking now... or I'll run your ass over ?! The best part about being handicapped is people think they can say anything in front of me and I'm too retarded to understand what they're saying about me.. The other day I was at a baseball game and the guy sitting next to me said a part of my wheelchair looked like a huge erection... I sat there pretending I was too retarded to understand until I went to leave, and as I rolled by him I yelled, "Yeah I used that huge erection to fuck your mom last night!"  While we discussed quantitative analysis, you should have seen the look on their faces! I need a funny finish , but something about the last post on social media I ever make before I die should be epic. My dad's was about running, and he loved to run. A comedian I knew, his last post was a picture of him doing a comedy show. I want mine to say, " I just fucked Miley Cyrus." But with my luck it will be, " I just found a good restaurant to allow my three cats to eat with me!" And people would be like, "Bob was an asshole, but at least his cats loved him." They even started eating him after he was dead for several days. Yup. That's how I going out.

Only a few upcoming shows to announce as of now, but here they are:

Tomorrow May 25, at 10PM at Comix Mohegan Sun. Tickets are only $10. Please show up! Because if 5 of you don't come see me, I can't perform.

June 7th, at Sully's. I believe its a bar in Hartford. If I remember correctly, my brother in law's friend runs it and it is free to get in so I want to check it out/ perform.

June 15, Hartford, at the Funny Bone, which is actually at the Manchester Mall, to confuse the fuck out of all of you. It's free to get in though. If i get enough people to vote for me I could win some money, so PLEASE come see me!!

Also I'm doing a fundraiser for MDA on June 3rd, if you would like to donate click here:

Its for a great charity. I'm trying to do something nice and helpful for once without anything being in it for me. So donate assholes!