I'm too lazy to think of new stuff to write, so as punishment for Stoney Beroni not rooting for the welcoming committee AKA my boy James! I am having her write 3 pages of new jokes I came up with in my O-Town notebook. Ya know it serious when it goes down in the O-Town notebook. Iv'e been carrying that bitch around since 2000! When I used to use dial-up to get online and AIM to talk to my bitches... Did you know AIM still exists? How did I find this out? Through my job... yes you read that right... I have a job! My boss said if I ever had questions just message him on AIM and he gave me his screen name... but this is the same dude that asked me if I wanted to watch my training video on VHS or DVD.. so I'm pretty sure he still thinks that the Clintons are in the White House and probably has a beeper. I'm pretty sure I haven't used AIM in a solid ten years. I dont even remember what my screen name was never mind my password. I'll send a special prize to anyone who comments below and tells me what it was! The prize is these two Mets tickets from May 20 that I sold on Stub Hub, cause who wouldn't want that? Seriously, if somebody has no life enough to comment below what my AIM screen name is, I will actually send a prize! Nothing good because I'm a broke ass cripple. I just want to see who reads this shit.
Plus I'm pretty sure an apocalypse is coming because Jinder Mahal is WWE Champ! I shit you not Jinder fucking Mahal, who is the next WWE Champ? James Ellsworth? That would be amazeballs! Or Heath Slater? I mean he's got kids! So he really needs that title. Imagine the trailer and above ground pool they can get? Beulah and Rhyno would have cheese wiz and crackers for days!
My actual prediction, Jack Swagger comes out of whatever toilet stall he's been living in/ cleaning and beats Mahal to become thats right you read it correct, a TWO TIME WWE CHAMPION! Cause nothing says AMERI-CAH like the real American Jack Swagger beating ultimate heel/wanna be terrorist Jinder Mahal. My question is does he win Money in the Bank, and cash in like he did the first time to win the title? My guess is yes, and it is either on 4th of July, Labor Day, or around Summer Slam. Because AMERI-CAH! Ah fuck, who am I kidding?! John Cena will come back on one of these patriotic days to not only win the title from Mahal, but break the record for most WWE titles won because WWE has gotten so predictable I could write it from my living room. And I sleep from 4am to 2 pm daily.
And now for my jokes for all you assholes who never come to my shows.. as written by Stoney Beroni so if its fucked up she was imagining pink dragons.. this is what she looks like
In my life I've had to deal with a lot of cynical assholes. It used to be doctors telling everyone I'd be lucky to live to be five years old, now I've found even more cynical assholes, by having the brilliant idea to start comedy. Comedians are a bunch of cynical assholes, and this is coming from a bitter cripple. A lot of them resent me because I got more laughs, stage time, and gigs in six months than they've had in six years, and I am fucking all their moms and sisters backstage after the show. Wait, maybe that's why they hate me so much. Recently one of them bragged to me that there was a better comedian because he gets paid to do shows and I'm still doing them for free... He's right.. I saw someone offer him $50 to do a gig.. yeah 50 bucks to tell shitty jokes for 10 minutes... meanwhile, I get a couple thousand dollars from the government to sit on my ass! Tell me who's doing better in life ?! The same guy was asking people for rides to do shows in dive bars in West Virginia. I'm assuming it was court ordered, asking people for rides because he doesn't have a car. Meanwhile I'm rolling around in my moms minivan and I have hot botches driving me around... tell me who's doing better in life?! I'm never going to make it big in comedy because I don't kiss enough ass, I just pay people to wipe it. So clearly I'm the one doing better in life! Recently, I had someone ask me if I do drugs. Looking at me, what gives you any indication that I can do drugs? If anything, my mom did them when she was pregnant with me and look how well that turned out...also I can't move my own arms, how fucked up of a person would you have to be to help me snort coke or shoot up heroine? What am I going to do, yell at my workers, tell them to shoot me up with some fucking heroine and help me snort a couple lines right fucking now... or I'll run your ass over ?! The best part about being handicapped is people think they can say anything in front of me and I'm too retarded to understand what they're saying about me.. The other day I was at a baseball game and the guy sitting next to me said a part of my wheelchair looked like a huge erection... I sat there pretending I was too retarded to understand until I went to leave, and as I rolled by him I yelled, "Yeah I used that huge erection to fuck your mom last night!" While we discussed quantitative analysis, you should have seen the look on their faces! I need a funny finish , but something about the last post on social media I ever make before I die should be epic. My dad's was about running, and he loved to run. A comedian I knew, his last post was a picture of him doing a comedy show. I want mine to say, " I just fucked Miley Cyrus." But with my luck it will be, " I just found a good restaurant to allow my three cats to eat with me!" And people would be like, "Bob was an asshole, but at least his cats loved him." They even started eating him after he was dead for several days. Yup. That's how I going out.
Only a few upcoming shows to announce as of now, but here they are:
Tomorrow May 25, at 10PM at Comix Mohegan Sun. Tickets are only $10. Please show up! Because if 5 of you don't come see me, I can't perform.
June 7th, at Sully's. I believe its a bar in Hartford. If I remember correctly, my brother in law's friend runs it and it is free to get in so I want to check it out/ perform.
June 15, Hartford, at the Funny Bone, which is actually at the Manchester Mall, to confuse the fuck out of all of you. It's free to get in though. If i get enough people to vote for me I could win some money, so PLEASE come see me!!
Also I'm doing a fundraiser for MDA on June 3rd, if you would like to donate click here:
Its for a great charity. I'm trying to do something nice and helpful for once without anything being in it for me. So donate assholes!
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