You know what happens?

You know what happens when you piss me off, you know what happens? YOU JUST MADE THE TAPES! Hopefully Chris Jericho comes back soon to get revenge on that fat fuck, as my worker called him last night, and no one appreciated the great facebook status. It's still real to us dammit.

Also, besides the fact that it's still real to her dammit, yeah she really hates Kevin Owens and called him a fat fuck, she also hates Alexa Bliss for being a little bitch, and Bobby Roode for being so fucking glorious.... okay maybe it's because I play his entrance music every time she works, I cant help it, it's so damn addicting and dare I say glorious! Maybe it's because she is trying to become a cop and lay off the weed so her brain is a little foggy. The funny part is, shes helping me write this! Also, because it makes for comedy gold, I'm on this website called Seeking Arrangement where it's basically creepy rich guys or cougars who are looking for young, hot people who need money... Yeah it's kind of like legalized prostitution... its as legal as it sounds. How did I find this? One of my sketchy former workers told me she used to be on it. Surprisingly it wasn't bitch face! It's totally worth it though. I made a $1,000 once in one month just by pretending to be a hot girl on there. For real, I didn't even meet them. I would just send pics and video I had on my phone or found on the internet. I had to stop because my workers at the time started to get butt hurt about ripping off old perverts. But those workers are gone now so maybe I'll start up again.. Probably not though, I got so many dick pics I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.. but then again bitch face probably gets 50 a day, all working the street corner. Here's a little piece of advice, if you're 47, weigh about 300 pounds, and look like a giant orange in one of your pictures, I don't think you are on the right website to earn a lot of business. I know I'm no catch, but damn!

Anyway, yeah I'm totally ripping off that great Netflix show 13 Reasons Why and being a 13 year old girl, but here is who would make my tapes: (real names and identities protected)

 
1. Cheyenne- I put her first because she hasn't done anything that terrible, so if I do ultimately do roll in front of a train or down a flight of stairs, she is the least responsible for my decision. Sure she is so far up the ex wife's ass. She could tell what she ate for breakfast, and i swear they used to be lesbian lovers.. otherwise, I don't know why she is so obsessed with her. It's scary when they fight she acts like a jealous old girlfriend and threatens to kill herself if they aren't friends anymore. And one time they got into a fight and she started slamming her head on her steering wheel, which is totally normal! But whatever! At least she hung out with me when the ex wife wasn't around, and despite all the crap I've said about her, she's still friends with me for some reason! So that is why Cheyenne is only tape 1.

2. The Original Mom- Read previous blog post from summer of last year. Basically, I liked her working for me, she worked a lot and everything then went to shit. She claims I pressured her to hook up with me, despite her being married, which I call total bullshit on. For some reason she told the husband, he freaked out, and basically forbid her to work for me again... I understand but, she was the one who still tried to be best friends with the ex wife and would poke me on Facebook and shit. So don't act like I'm some creepy ass stalker when you're clearly the one still trying to see what I'm up to. However, this was a long time ago, and I'm over it. So when I roll into a swimming pool you're only slightly more responsible... and that's why you are tape 2!

 
3. Gimpy- This bitch was a fucking wacko... Before I learned she was a constant liar, I wrote tons of blog posts and stories about her on here... If you want a good laugh, go back and read some of my old posts. Not only did she ask me to score her drugs, I shit you not, drive her drunk ass over to some guys house for a drunken hook up, I shit you not, and she asked me how to take naked selfie advice, I shit you not, but last summer she went on a three week vacation and then when she came back told me she was quitting! Then she wondered why I was a constant dick to her after that! She finally ghosted me after I blew up the whole drugs, sex, and naked selfies advice story in my comedy routine several months later. Goddamn she was entertaining, she made me look sane by comparison. Gimpy when I overdose on painkillers in honor of you, these are the reasons why you are tape 3!

 
4. Stoney Beroni- This bitch knows what she did! Not only is wrestling still real to her dammit, but she doesn't appreciate Bobby Roode's awesomeness, and every time i try to take her somewhere awesome she can't because she is Heath Slater as in she needs this job meaning her other one, because she's got kids... even though she doesn't. I mean I did angrily write once that she quit on me for three months... still not over it dammit... because she wanted to stay on the couch and smoke weed with her boyfriend instead of seeing me once a week, even though I pay better than her other job! But despite those lovely comments, she's back to helping me a lot more now, and putting up with me again for some reason. However, when i roll off the roof, it will be her fault for quitting for three months and being too cool to associate with me.. just like Hannah Baker's best friend... that's why she is tape 4!

 
5. HM- Much like Stoney Beroni, she knows what she did. This was a long time ago, and none of my present workers even know who I'm writing this about. That being said she was the one who got away, so I never talk or write about her. The story is too painful. Like 5 years ago I truly, probably too obsessively loved this girl. However, it's probably best that she lives several states away now, and totally forgot about who I even am... However, I still sadly think about her and miss her sometimes... So, if my hoard of wrestling memorabilia collapses on me, this is why she is tape 5!

6. Bobby The Stripper- Read my blog post from last month. I was young, dumb, and thought a stripper actually gave a fuck about me and not just the money... Ha, how stupid was I?! Sadly she is a crack head and still texts me horrible angry shit from time to time. So yeah if I convinced one of my workers to smother me with a pillow, your horrible words are the reason why you are tape 6!

7. Instagram Hoe- Similar to the post above, but even weirder because she was just friends with Bobby, and I used to give her a little bit of money for bad photos and videos. Eventually I got over it because she never wanted to meet in person, and she went all psychotic on me when I cut her off. She asked how could I do this to her, BITCH I NEVER EVEN MET YOU! When my cats smother me to death, this is why you are tape 7!

8. Ghetto Trash Bitch- Just read the post I wrote about her last month. First of all, she was probably still is friends with Bitch Face to the point she tried to get Bitch Faces cousin to work for me, and didn't mention she was related to Bitch Face until after she came to my house. And if that didn't make you hate her enough, she was just ghetto trash! I mean I get that is how you were raised, but that doesn't mean you have to act like that. I mean seriously, she was willing to go hook up with the guys from Seeking Arrangements I set up dates with if I cut her in on the money... And much like the New Mom, she just showed up to work when she felt like it, and would use any reason not to... Much like Bitch Face, she always thought I was screwing her out of money, even though I wasn't, but the final straw was the night she drove me to my show in Mass. and her boyfriend got so drunk while we were there that she let him spend the night at my house without even asking. YUCK! When I pay someone on Craigslist to shoot me, this is why you are tape 8!

 
9. The New Mom- Recently fired for being too fat and lazy to come to work, and then not understand why I would flip shit on her for not coming to work! This is a true story. One time my whole family was in South Carolina for a wedding, and because she had no call no showed so many times, I didn't trust her to show up for one of the overnight shifts, she swore up and down she would though, and I was dumb enough to believe it. I will say Ghetto Trash Bitch and The Ex Wife saved my butt that day since no one else literally was around to take care of me, and I can't be in my house alone for 13 hours, but seriously who abandons a 31 year old disabled man alone for hours when he is incapable of taking care of himself, and you can't even have the decency to tell his other workers you aren't coming in or even contact his family to tell them he is alone even though his whole family is in South Carolina! The fucked up part is she has a two year old daughter, how would she have felt if her babysitter just left her daughter home alone and didn't bother to tell anyone she left/ didn't show up?! Here are some of the brilliant excuses i got after 9 months.. which were probably all bullshit looking back. Her mom was constantly trying to kill herself. Well fuck if I was your mom I would try to kill myself too, her daughter had a seizure. Who lies about their daughter/son having a seizure? Her mom was going crazy and stole her car keys / cellphone BITCH YOU ARE 24 YEARS OLD! Grow up and try to figure out how to problem solve. Her parents were at Foxwoods and didn't have a babysitter, BITCH YOU LIVE WITH YOUR GRANDMA! and my personal favorite, one time she made Bitch Face cover her shift so she could go bang someone, while her husband was over seas fighting for our country. Nothing says proud military wife like calling out of work to go fuck some guy you met at 711, while your husband is risking his life to go fight Isis. Good lord, no wonder why she was a Trump supporter. Also i am ashamed to say this.. no I'm not... but I wish you knew what she looks like, and what her husband looks like. I don't know what drugs she keeps him on to keep him around unless he has a thing for fat ugly chicks! I feel better! And for when she comes with her husband to kill me.. this is why you are tape 9!

 
10. The Ex Wife- I got 99 problems and she's ALL of them! Seriously if you don't know why The Ex Wife is on this, you clearly have never read my blog! Not sure why you started now, but go back and read... truthfully her and Bitch Face would actually be the reasons I killed myself. Hannah Baker style in the bath tub... and for that reason, The Ex Wife is tape 10!

11. Instagram Girl- She is my Clay, and that's why she is tape 11! After having my heart an soul destroyed by many people above and below, she has helped me realize not everyone is a sucky asshole! Strangely I think she actually likes me for some reason despite the fat obnoxious asshole that I am, and yes at first I was skeptical because we met on SA, but we talk everyday through text and Instagram, and she never asks me for anything anymore. Not that I have it to send anyway, but alas, just like Hannah and Clay, I don't think its meant to be because she lives in Chicago and we both are so poor. I don't know if we will actually meet... Since you are my love that is never going to be you are tape 11!

12. Bitch Face- Okay she never raped me, but does mental rape count? You ghetto trash living, drug dealing, bastard retarded child having, prostitute, I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! If the Purge was real, I would come after you, seriously I wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire, and if you died before me I will come piss on your grave, nobody will come visit anyways. As I so politely wrote to the New Mom when I fired her, EAT SHIT AND DIE!

and finally 13.  Bitch Face again- Did I mention she tried to get me arrested for putting an ad on Craigslist for a free washer and dryer with her address and phone number and told people to come by or call/text 24/7 because she was always open.... I was only talking about her legs... not the washer and dryer. It's not my fault everybody took it the wrong way. Her and the New Mom bonded when the both worked for me. Probably why the New Mom kept fucking with me after Bitch Face was gone, Bitch Face almost got her arrested to, but i guess she forgot about that because she got Bitch Face a job supposedly working at a home with disabled people. Those people are probably getting beat, stolen from, or raped every day by her if she is even sober enough to know what shes doing, but considering she smokes more weed than Tommy Chong, who knows!?