Leg Rot

I have not posted on here in more than 3 weeks. Did you miss me? I know I missed me...you see I was fat and depressed after my cat died and writing about that and funny stories about my dad made me feel Hannah Baker-ish. So, I took a break from here for awhile. Plus after 100 posts, it was hard to think of what to write about and where to go from here. That was until my legs started rotting off and two of my current workers and a former worker reminded me of why I hate people so much last weekend. My legs rotting off is a gross graphic story that I am not really going to share on here. So, instead I am going to write about the three things that happened over the past weekend that helped me remember why I am the sarcastic asshole that I am.

You see, it started on Friday. Stoney Moroni decided to peace out on me and go to Florida for two weeks. Therefore, about a month ago one of my newer workers said she would work her Wednesday and Thursday overnight shifts. Also, in order not to ruin one person’s weekend every weekend, I have all of my workers sign up for various weekend overnight shifts every month. So, yes, she worked a lot last week between taking my friend and I to Summerslam two Sundays ago and then signing up for Wednesday through Saturday overnight shifts. However, I secretly texted some of my other workers because I had a feeling there was a better chance of me winning the WWE Universal Title from Brock Lesnar then of her showing up four nights in a row. Sure enough, she did not let me down. Yes, I get I stay up way too late, especially if you have four kids to take care of during the day. But, you chose to sign up for four overnights in a row and were literally talking to me on Thursday night about how you wanted more hours for reasons I am actually too nice to write about on here. So, yeah, at the end of the week before and the beginning of last week I reminded her that she was coming four nights in a row and that Friday night would be a double shift, which she said was fine. However, I knew there was a problem when I texted her at noon on Friday to say, “I’ll see you at 5”! Of course, she responded at 4:40 to say that she just woke up and there was no way she could make it in until 9pm. Luckily, the girl that was here stayed an extra hour until 6. Then, of course, the new girl struck again and texted me sometime after that and before 8:30pm to say she was now not coming at all because she was dizzy and nauseous. Of course, I texted everyone who currently works for me and the only response I got was from Grandma to say she was drunk. In other breaking news, the sky is blue and the grass is green and everyone else that works for me is a lazy piece of shit that are too busy taking selfies and scratching their butts to text me back about work related issues…my personal favorite is when they say they never got the message…that’s funny because everyone else did. So, yes, for sixteen hours from 6pm on Friday until 10am on Saturday morning, my mom was stuck helping me, but luckily we didn’t kill each other. Oh, it got better!

Next, was Saturday morning, when the ex wife came waddling in at 10am. She proceeded to play on her phone and watch Project Runway with my mom until I finally got my lazy fat ass up at 12:30pm. Partially to avoid her and partially because I am a lazy piece of shit. Literally, the first thing she said to me was that she had to leave at 3 even though she was scheduled to work until 5 and was aware that nobody had been there for sixteen hours prior to that. The ex wife calling out of trying to leave a shift early is like reporting breaking news that the sky is blue and the grass is green…see a pattern here? Also, I called bullshit and so did my mom. Your retarded autistic boyfriend’s birthday was the night before, so you were probably nursing a serious hangover or wanted to leave early to go out that night. Second, you spend more time at doctors than I do and I am in a wheelchair. So, the fact that you sent me a picture of a prescription does not prove shit to me. Third, you had all day Friday off and you had been bitching about your ear hurting since Wednesday…why couldn’t you go to a doctor anytime during those three days? Fourth, the walk-in clinic even on Saturdays opens at 9 and you don’t come to work until 10, and I usually sleep until noon. So, why couldn’t you just go before you came to work that day and then stayed until 5 like normal? Oh, I know why, because you are a fucking asshole and we had been getting along too well lately, so you had to do something to fuck it all up! You know it’s bad when even my mom screams at her to just leave, rather than deal with her selfish hypochondriac lying ass. And the topper is, she expected to get paid for those 2.5 hours of sitting on her ass on her phone and watching Project Runway. Yeah, good luck with that complaint you are filing. It also really proves you care about me, like you always claim to. Why couldn’t my mom just punch her in the face just once?! It would have made me so happy and why can’t someone like her have her legs rot off and get blisters on her ass? Anyway moving on to Sunday night!

 

That is when the best part happened. So, remember when I previously wrote how the pathological liar used to work for me stole $150 in airline credits from me…yeah, it was a lot more than that. It was actually $338 in airline credits and she had to hack into my email to do it, which is illegal on so many levels. Last night, I was bored and went to book a flight to Chicago for me and one worker using the 2/3 of the airline credits I thought I still had left…but, in the words of Paul Heyman, “Oh, no no no!” You see because the fat bitch didn’t just steal $150 from me, nah she had to pay for her whole flight with my money and take $338 out of the $480 I had. Yeah, not cool and no chance in hell I am letting you get away with that, especially when you were dumb enough to let the airline email your itinerary to me with proof that you payed for your flight with my airline credits. That’s called FRAUD and HACKING and I am pretty sure LARCENY. Now, I am way smarter than her pathological lying ass. Before I called the cops I printed out the email with the airline credits in MY name, MY credit card bill from when I originally bought them, the email with her itinerary proving she paid with MY credits, her name, her mom’s name, and my Facebook convo with her mom where she admitted her daughter had stolen from me and she was going to pay me back. Of course, she said she is supposedly in Florida undergoing psychiatric treatment. Holy fuck do you need it! However, the cop basically said if her or her parents don’t pay me the rest of $188 that they still owe me, then when she returns to Connecticut, she will be arrested for stealing from me. I mean, I’m not surprised, she already had a criminal background and so did her ex ? husband. Yeah, this is the one that said he was in the Army, while she was working for me, when he was really in jail for beating her ass. She also did classy things like said she couldn’t come to work because her mom tried to kill herself and basically would have left me to fend for myself one night when my entire family was in South Carolina because she just couldn’t show up for her overnight shift. So, yeah, in case you can’t get it…she lies and lies and lies…and the scariest part is, I think she believes them. So, here is her beautiful mugshot and maybe there will be another one coming soon! I’ll keep my wheels crossed. Until then, if you can’t handle my sparkle, stay the hell off my rainbow! 

 

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

Strangely enough this is my 100th total blog post... Holy crap could you believe that? Does Willard Scott, the creepy senile former weather man on the Today Show wish it a Happy Birthday? For those who don't know he still comes on the Today Show every so often to wish people who are 100 and over like himself, a Happy Birthday! That is if he is still alive.. Okay he is alive and he is 83. Sorry whoever had the misfortune of reading them all, but I did enjoy writing MOST of them... keyword most. Remember back in the AOL internet days, when every website could be found by searching a keyword on AOL? Me either but if it still existed I would want the keyword for this blog to be Cripplebitchin'... Okay so that's actually not a word, but whatever, it's my keyword! I wonder if I got mail? I wonder if my AOL accounts still exist? Or if my MySpace is still out there? Who is in my top 8 friends? My guess is just Tom. Oh internet mysteries ill never solve because I don't care enough too. Anyways I got way off track, and don't worry despite the words at the beginning of the post as P-Diddy once said, "We ain't goin' nowhere, no we ain't goin' nowhere, we can't be stopped now, because we bad boys for life!" Now that I just quoted P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, Diddy, Puffy, or whatever the fuck the guy who paid someone to kill Tupac calls himself these days, I am really going to go roll in front of a train or hop in the bathtub with some razor blades. Is it too soon to make Hannah Baker jokes? Again just watch 13 Reasons Why on Netflix and this will make a lot more sense to you.

So yeah I was having trouble thinking of something to write my 100th blog post about, but since it was recently what would have been my dad's 61st birthday and one of my all time favorite cats Flapjack aka Flappy passed away on Friday, I decided to share 10 funny stories about each one of them. Since there is 20 stories and I don't want to be here writing this all night (I deal with depression and uncomfortable feelings by writing jokes and telling funny stories) they might not all be very long, but hopefully they will make you laugh. 

Here are 10 funny stories about my father and I, trust me there are many more I have heard about that took place before I was born or I wouldn't share on here but since this is my blog I'm trying to write about stories where I was involved... But here they are: (yes i peed my pants in the photo below: and that's why I picked it)

 

10. The time we got lost in Cleveland- One summer my family and I went on a trip to four different baseball stadiums over the course of a week. One of these stops was Cleveland. While there, we ate lunch at the mall in Cleveland, and after we were done eating my sister and mom wanted to go shopping so my dad agreed to take me back to our hotel so I could rest before the game that night. My dad had a horrible sense of direction and didn't want to take me back to the hotel without my mom directing him... This was before GPS was invented... But all he had to do was basically go straight and take a left eventually. Yeah well we got so lost that we only got back to the hotel about 2 minutes before my sister and my mom did and they walked from the mall with stuff they had purchased.  Besides several expletive filled rants and ending up on a bridge that almost took us to another city in Ohio, we eventually found our way back after he pulled into a gas station and asked for directions.

 

9. When we couldn't find our way back after a Giants game- When I was in high school and in my early college days my father and I would go to a few New York Giants games a year. One time we went to a game on a Sunday night. Instead of driving home late we decided to stay at a hotel near the stadium and drive home the next day. Despite being able to see the stadium from our hotel, somehow after the game my dad still couldn't find his way to the hotel. Three trips through the Vince Lombardi rest area and a fist shaped dent permanently left in the roof of the old cripple van, he finally found his way to the hotel.

 

8. Pee Breaks- This one happened after a Giants game too. I wasn't supposed to share it but it's been like 15 years, so I think people will get over it. One day after a Giants game I really had to pee on the way home. So my dad pulled over in this huge Home Depot parking lot near the stadium. Since it was a Sunday night, it was closed and mostly empty anyways. Anyway, after I went pee, us cripples have to pee in something called a urinal, which is something to bottle up the piss in, my dad had the great idea of dumping it out in the parking lot right near the tires on the van. After that we started driving home again, and when we went to stop at a toll we can't figure out why the brakes were making a horrible thumping sound and smelled bad when my dad pressed on them. And then it occurred to him it was probably because they were wet from my piss being dumped on them. Luckily it eventually stopped, but it was an interesting ride home to say the least. Sorry dad, now mom and Steph know.

 

7. Duct Tape a bag around my neck- Again this took place on the way home from a Giants game. I don't know if I had a 24 hour flu, food poisoning, or a stomach virus, but as soon as I got to a Giants game one time with my dad. I ate something and immediately threw up in the seat. It was bad enough rolling out of there with puke all over me, and my giants blanket. However on the way home, I kept feeling like I had to throw up again, every so often. Obviously, my dad couldn't pull over to hold a bucket or bag every time I needed to puke on the way home, so he had the genius idea of duct taping a paper bag around my neck. Not sure why he had a paper bag or a roll of duct tape sitting in the van but that's a story for another day.

 

6. But the Mets are winning- I was really little when this happened so I don't remember all the details. All I know is my family and some other relatives and family friends were at a Mets game and I fell asleep. I woke up during the 7th inning stretch and threw up for some reason while they were singing Take Me Out to the Ball Game... Luckily, we were in the upper deck and the fans up there were used to all the drunks puking up there and helped my family clean up. Obviously my mom took me to the van, but we had to wait til everyone was ready to go home. All I know is the Mets were coming back or started winning so my dad left my mom and I in the van so he could try to figure out a way back in to see the end of the game. I can't remember if he did, or if the Mets won, but I do remember my mom was NOT happy with him after that game!

 

5. Fucking Shit- This is short but simple one. One day on the way home from day care I started singing a nice little song where most of the words consisted of me singing the words "Fucking Shit." Apparently my dad had been trying to fix something in the house the weekend before and used those words a lot to describe his frustration at not being able to fix it. For some reason my toddler brain decided it would be a great song to make up while my mom drove me home from day care. Again, needless to say my mom was not happy when we got home.

 

4. Old Man- One summer we were celebrating my great grandmother's 90th birthday, and a ton of our relatives were at our house for a party. We had this really old cranky and creepy neighbor at the time who always spied on what we were doing from his bedroom window or the lawn chair in his back yard. Of course since we were having a party he had to sit in his lawn chair in the back yard and stare at us the whole time. My mom's cousin's husband was a musician and he was performing some songs during this time. So my dad asked him to dedicate Neil Young's Old Man Take A Look At My Life to our lovely next door neighbor John, and Johnny as we liked to call him got so pissed that he got out of his lawn chair and stormed back into his house.

 

3. Scot Haney- This one is a little sad, but funny... When I was in high school/ college my dad and I were always watching Scot Haney do the weather forecast before I left for school and he left for work. Yeah it was mostly because we found him funny. And I have no idea now because I'm never up early enough, but at the time Haney would ring a bell at 5:55:55 AM and it would annoy the crap out of me because that's when I was waking up for the day! Anyway, my dad got a cowbell from my grandpa's old dairy farm, painted it the channel 3 color and even put their logo on it and Haney was so honored, he let my dad on TV to give it to him. Well apparently Haney remembered doing this because he talked about it after my dad passed away and even showed up at his wake. My uncle put it on YouTube. I'll see if I could find it and post it below..

 

2. Is that a Boy or Girl? - When I was little my dad, my uncle, and his friend took my to a Boston Celtics game. Before the game, we decided to all get dinner. While we were sitting there a guy walks by with really long hair, so I asked my dad, "Is that a boy or a girl?" I was a little kid so PC Police don't get butt hurt. Well my dad sarcastically told me, "Robert why don't you say that a little louder!" Since I was little I took it literal and screamed so the whole restaurant could hear, "IS THAT A BOY OR GIRL!?!" The three adults found this very funny that I took it so seriously, I finally figured it out years later why it was so funny.



1. The time my best friend and I called my bus driver - Okay my best friend and I in high school were weird, and were highly entertained by my bus driver. This lady looked like a cross between a warthog and the bus driver from South Park. She also had a huge afro and talked like she smoked 5 packs a day, and loved to brag about her living in a double wide trailer, and hitting her ex husband in the head with a cast iron frying pan. Back then you could make free internet phone calls through Yahoo messenger through a random phone number. Well one day before my April vacation, my bus driver was out and my best friend and I were "concerned" as to why, so we decided we were going to call her on there. We looked up her phone number and actually found her quite easily, but yahoo had started charging for phone calls. Me being the genius that I am, convinced my best friend to call her on my house phone not thinking women in trailer parks had caller ID in 2002. Well they did, and once she answered we freaked out and hung up, of course she called back and left a message on our answering machine asking why we called. Well my friend and I deleted the message, but we forgot to delete the caller ID log so needless to say, when my dad got home he asked why the bus driver had called the house. Yeah, we got in a tiny bit of trouble for that one. Luckily, he never told my mom about it, and when I went back to school my bus driver never brought it up to me.

 

Hope you enjoyed those, now here is 10 funny stories about Flappy:

 


10. He puked when I was bringing him home. Yeah well I thought it was a good idea to rescue a cat from the Humane Society, which of course it is, but I had some doubts when he puked on the way home from the shelter. Yeah he made some funny noises while we were driving home and my worker and I wewre trying to figure out what it was. Well when we got home and I heard my worker yell. "EW" I figured it out!

 9. My mom didn't know I had him for a week. Yeah I purposely got him while she was on a cruise, in fact the first full day she wasn't here. I knew she wouldn't want another cat in the house, but since she was out of the country and had no phone access for the week, that's when I decided to go pick out a cat and that's how I got Flappy. She was pissed when she found out, but I had a feeling he would stay... And he did!

 

8. He loved plants. We couldn't have any in the house because him and Charlie would eat them all. Yes, they would eat them, even though he would always get sick and puke them back up. You would think he would learn, but no! The best was when we had a bunch of plants from my sister's wedding, and as I was getting ready for her wedding, he decided to puke some of them up because none of us thought to hide them from him. So there are my worker and I trying to rush and get ready for my sister's wedding while trying to clean up Flappy's plant puke... If you know me at all I'm sure you could picture it!
 


7. My cat ate my homework. Okay he didn't eat my homework, but one time he ate my workers time sheet. It was so bad that I had to call the state and explain why they were late and why I had to redo some of them. Luckily they found it funny and didn't mind.

 


6. He pulled down a curtain. Yeah, one time during the middle of the night, I heard a loud crash coming from the guest bedroom. However, my overnight worker didn't yell so I assumed everything was okay. Well, yes and no, you see Flappy decided to climb and hang on the curtain during the night and his fat ass took the whole thing down with him. Again my mom was not happy, but luckily my uncle fixed it.

 

5. Despite my mom always yelling at him for it he loved to lay on the newspapers right in the middle of the kitchen table. Every time she yelled at him he always looked at her like he didn't know what he had done wrong, and then take a cat nap on the pile of newspapers on our kitchen table. Sometime he would also pull the table cloth off the table. He would also get on his hind legs on the kitchen table chairs and prop himself up so he could look at the birds outside of the window.

 



4. He was a fat jerk and a bully. That's why I loved him, but he was a fat jerk and a bully. If he saw one of my other two cats playing with the cat toys or laying on the cat furniture or getting attention from people, he always had to come over and try to stop it immediately. Also, if you didn't give him what he wanted fast enough he would jump on tables and knock stuff on the floor, or try to bat items out of your hand.

 

3. He could open doors. He was the dumbest, fattest, smart cat I ever had.  Somehow he would roll on his side and use his paws to slide the door open to my bedroom if he wanted in while I was sleeping, or he would pull the door open so he could get in the garage and get outside. It was creepy for the longest time we couldn't figure out how the living room door was getting opened, and the cats are getting out, until one day I saw him do it.

 

2. He broke a giant bottle of beer in the basement. Not sure if he was secretly an alcoholic or just pissed off, but one night my mom and I heard a loud crash in the basement, but didn't know what it was. Well my mom figured it out the next morning when she went downstairs and found a giant growler full of beer smashed all over the floor. Well we don't know for sure it was him, but given his antics, it most likely was.

 

1. He loved to destroy the Christmas Tree. I mean he LOVED it like it was his job. His first Christmas in our house I felt bad because he broke the Christmas tree topper that my dad gave my mom on thir first Christmas together. Yes I bought her a replacent off EBay but I still feel bad about it. But yeah, ever year we had him, I had to buy replacement ornaments after Christmas to replace all the ones he broke that year.

 


Well hopefully you enjoyed all those stories, and well my dad and Flappy never met, but I have a feeling my dad would have loved him as much as I did, given what a fat jerk Flappy was. Hopefully they are both somewhere now and laughing about this. Either way though I'll miss both of them and it was nice sharing these stories.