I have not posted on here in more than 3 weeks. Did you miss
me? I know I missed me...you see I was fat and depressed after my cat died and
writing about that and funny stories about my dad made me feel Hannah
Baker-ish. So, I took a break from here for awhile. Plus after 100 posts, it
was hard to think of what to write about and where to go from here. That was
until my legs started rotting off and two of my current workers and a former
worker reminded me of why I hate people so much last weekend. My legs rotting
off is a gross graphic story that I am not really going to share on here. So,
instead I am going to write about the three things that happened over the past
weekend that helped me remember why I am the sarcastic asshole that I am.
You see, it started on Friday. Stoney Moroni decided to
peace out on me and go to Florida for two weeks. Therefore, about a month ago
one of my newer workers said she would work her Wednesday and Thursday
overnight shifts. Also, in order not to ruin one person’s weekend every
weekend, I have all of my workers sign up for various weekend overnight shifts
every month. So, yes, she worked a lot last week between taking my friend and I
to Summerslam two Sundays ago and then signing up for Wednesday through Saturday
overnight shifts. However, I secretly texted some of my other workers because I
had a feeling there was a better chance of me winning the WWE Universal Title
from Brock Lesnar then of her showing up four nights in a row. Sure enough, she
did not let me down. Yes, I get I stay up way too late, especially if you have
four kids to take care of during the day. But, you chose to sign up for four overnights
in a row and were literally talking to me on Thursday night about how you wanted
more hours for reasons I am actually too nice to write about on here. So, yeah,
at the end of the week before and the beginning of last week I reminded her
that she was coming four nights in a row and that Friday night would be a
double shift, which she said was fine. However, I knew there was a problem when
I texted her at noon on Friday to say, “I’ll see you at 5”! Of course, she
responded at 4:40 to say that she just woke up and there was no way she could
make it in until 9pm. Luckily, the girl that was here stayed an extra hour
until 6. Then, of course, the new girl struck again and texted me sometime
after that and before 8:30pm to say she was now not coming at all because she
was dizzy and nauseous. Of course, I texted everyone who currently works for me
and the only response I got was from Grandma to say she was drunk. In other
breaking news, the sky is blue and the grass is green and everyone else that
works for me is a lazy piece of shit that are too busy taking selfies and
scratching their butts to text me back about work related issues…my personal
favorite is when they say they never got the message…that’s funny because everyone
else did. So, yes, for sixteen hours from 6pm on Friday until 10am on Saturday
morning, my mom was stuck helping me, but luckily we didn’t kill each other.
Oh, it got better!
Next, was Saturday morning, when the ex wife came waddling
in at 10am. She proceeded to play on her phone and watch Project Runway with my
mom until I finally got my lazy fat ass up at 12:30pm. Partially to avoid her
and partially because I am a lazy piece of shit. Literally, the first thing she
said to me was that she had to leave at 3 even though she was scheduled to work
until 5 and was aware that nobody had been there for sixteen hours prior to
that. The ex wife calling out of trying to leave a shift early is like
reporting breaking news that the sky is blue and the grass is green…see a
pattern here? Also, I called bullshit and so did my mom. Your retarded autistic
boyfriend’s birthday was the night before, so you were probably nursing a
serious hangover or wanted to leave early to go out that night. Second, you
spend more time at doctors than I do and I am in a wheelchair. So, the fact
that you sent me a picture of a prescription does not prove shit to me. Third,
you had all day Friday off and you had been bitching about your ear hurting since
Wednesday…why couldn’t you go to a doctor anytime during those three days?
Fourth, the walk-in clinic even on Saturdays opens at 9 and you don’t come to
work until 10, and I usually sleep until noon. So, why couldn’t you just go before
you came to work that day and then stayed until 5 like normal? Oh, I know why,
because you are a fucking asshole and we had been getting along too well
lately, so you had to do something to fuck it all up! You know it’s bad when
even my mom screams at her to just leave, rather than deal with her selfish hypochondriac
lying ass. And the topper is, she expected to get paid for those 2.5 hours of
sitting on her ass on her phone and watching Project Runway. Yeah, good luck
with that complaint you are filing. It also really proves you care about me,
like you always claim to. Why couldn’t my mom just punch her in the face just
once?! It would have made me so happy and why can’t someone like her have her
legs rot off and get blisters on her ass? Anyway moving on to Sunday night!
That is when the best part happened. So, remember when I previously
wrote how the pathological liar used to work for me stole $150 in airline
credits from me…yeah, it was a lot more than that. It was actually $338 in
airline credits and she had to hack into my email to do it, which is illegal on
so many levels. Last night, I was bored and went to book a flight to Chicago
for me and one worker using the 2/3 of the airline credits I thought I still
had left…but, in the words of Paul Heyman, “Oh, no no no!” You see because the
fat bitch didn’t just steal $150 from me, nah she had to pay for her whole
flight with my money and take $338 out of the $480 I had. Yeah, not cool and no
chance in hell I am letting you get away with that, especially when you were
dumb enough to let the airline email your itinerary to me with proof that you
payed for your flight with my airline credits. That’s called FRAUD and HACKING
and I am pretty sure LARCENY. Now, I am way smarter than her pathological lying
ass. Before I called the cops I printed out the email with the airline credits
in MY name, MY credit card bill from when I originally bought them, the email
with her itinerary proving she paid with MY credits, her name, her mom’s name,
and my Facebook convo with her mom where she admitted her daughter had stolen
from me and she was going to pay me back. Of course, she said she is supposedly
in Florida undergoing psychiatric treatment. Holy fuck do you need it! However,
the cop basically said if her or her parents don’t pay me the rest of $188 that
they still owe me, then when she returns to Connecticut, she will be arrested
for stealing from me. I mean, I’m not surprised, she already had a criminal
background and so did her ex ? husband. Yeah, this is the one that said he was
in the Army, while she was working for me, when he was really in jail for beating
her ass. She also did classy things like said she couldn’t come to work because
her mom tried to kill herself and basically would have left me to fend for
myself one night when my entire family was in South Carolina because she just couldn’t
show up for her overnight shift. So, yeah, in case you can’t get it…she lies
and lies and lies…and the scariest part is, I think she believes them. So, here
is her beautiful mugshot and maybe there will be another one coming soon! I’ll
keep my wheels crossed. Until then, if you can’t handle my sparkle, stay the
hell off my rainbow!
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