JoJo

Did you know she's still alive? Well she is dammit. And apparently awkward turtle met her yesterday. And got a hug from her. Jealous? You bet I am, even if she was wearing a hideous white poncho. I felt a little sad for her thought when AT aka awkward turtle told me that she was performing at some bar in Hartford and only 20 people got invited and she performed like 3 new songs of which AT only knew 1. Okay it was a radio contest so truthfully only like 20 people were invited, but that doesn't make it sound as funny. So basically she spent more time driving to and from there then she did at the show. But, she still got to meet her so I'm jealous. But its a good thing JoJo didn't meet me. Because lets face it, when she saw me she would have never let me go. And I like to be single and ready to mingle. Gotta keep my options open once I become a famous sit-down comedian. Apparently, she has a new song with Wiz Khalifa. Again, didn't know she was making new music. And she didn't perform any of her classics. I would have yelled "I'm not gunna get out right now until its too little too late" until she performed those greats. Here is a picture of her in her hideous white poncho.

(not pictured awkward turtle, but I picked this one because the girls eyes are closed so its pretty funny)

In other news. AT just spelt news with a K (knews). The people that work for me are so smart. Sometimes when I get up in the morning, ya know around noon, I listen to the repeat of Boomer and Carton in the morning on CBS sports network. Those not cool enough to know, they are the morning show from 6-10am on WFAN the sports talk radio station out of NY. Anyways, today they were talking about the kicker for the New York Giants Josh Brown. It was reported last night that there were emails and journal entries where he openly admitted to physically, emotionally, and verbally abusing his ex-wife and children. He was arrested for domestic violence in the off-season and suspended for the first game of this season, but he lied and made it sound like it wasn't as bad as it was. From what I heard, this guy is disgusting and does not deserve to be playing in the NFL so don't take this the wrong way. Craig Carton said as much as his show this morning. But this is the same guy who admits he is good friends with Ray Rice. For those that don't know, there's a video of Ray Rice knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator in Atlantic City and dragging her body out of the elevator. Months after this happened, he had Rice on his show and tried to say what a great guy he was and that he just made one terrible mistake. Carton also tried to make the case that Ray Rice deserved another shot to play in the NFL. So let me get this right... a guy who was on video punching his wife and knocking her out should get to play again in the NFL, but the Giants kicker is the biggest piece of garbage in the world and should never play football again? Hypocrite much? Luckily for the rest of the world, nobody ever gave Ray Rice a second change. Normally I like Carton and thing he's funny even though he could be a bit of an asshole. This was definitely the stupidest and most hypocritical thing that I ever heard him say but he also hosts the sports radio talk show when I don't think he actually ever played sports. He just happened to get on a show with a former quarterback from the New York Jets. Why can't I get that lucky? Here's a picture of Carton, I tried to make him look as douchey as possible












 Ray Rice video for those who forgot


Finally major props today to my worker who legit asked me Oh why'd you never wanna be alone at home by yourself? Oh I don't know, because I can't move my arm if it falls of the controller, I can't pick my head up if its falls over, so I won't be able to breathe after a while, and I have no way of calling 911 or even getting out of the house if an emergency happens. This was because the girl coming after her was going to be ten minutes late because her car broke down and god forbid she had to stay til 5:10 instead of 5. For somebody who claims they care about me so much they sure seem to not be able to get away from me fast enough. Also, this is the same chick who has showed up late or not at all with no fucks given about the person coming before or after her having to stay with me til we figured out who was coming in for her. And then she wonders why shitty things always happen to her... um I don't know because you're a shitty person? And she can't figure out why my family, most of my other workers, and myself 50% of the time can't stand her.... well maybe its because you show up if/when you feel like it, complain then sit on your phone the whole time you're here. Freak out if you have to take me anywhere, and spazz out if we're not back before your shifts over. Here's an idea, if you want to be a lazy piece of shit and not work all day then collect welfare and social security, try to pop out a few more welfare babies, move down south into a double wide, and do what the rest of your family does, sue and collect government benefits for made up illnesses and bullshit injuries. And then blame the rest of the world for all your problems. Yup, one day I hope you read this and it pisses you off. But after all I've done for you I give few to no fucks anymore. Today I tell the creepy Canadian, "Oh you were actually early after all that freaking out" because she showed up at 4:55. She was like yeah I rushed here so you wouldn't be left home by yourself. And the other girl has the balls to say "I've never left you by yourself." Technically true, but you threaten to leave in the middle of shifts, ask other workers to come in, or call my mom like a 5-year-old to tattle tale on me. Not to mention as soon as you saw awkward turtle pull in the driveway yesterday you sprinted out the door. Then you wonder why I preferred to sit and stare at a blank computer screen for 2.5 hours rather than talk to you or ask you for help yesterday. Umm because you never listen to anything I say anyways because your always arguing with your lesbian roomate on the phone. At least you finally figured out your straight I guess since you did get knocked up by some random dude... allegedly... or at least he probably paid your bills or something because we all know you use people until they're no longer useful to you. And that's all I have to say about that.

This isn't what she looks like but if she keeps acting and living like she does this is what I imagine she'll look like one day. Yes, I googled crackwhore to find this picture.  

This one time at cripple camp

You don't want to know the rest, and if you really do come see my act. Some fucked up shit went down there. I'll never forget you camp Hemlocks in Hebron CT or the eagle rock I would always start crying at on the way to be dropped off because I knew it meant we were almost there and god I hated that fucking place. But who would have thought all these years later it would be providing hilarious material for my stand-up routine. Anyway, I have lots of shows coming up and I need to bring anywhere from 3 to 5 people to all of them so I'll write the info below. What? We all have to start somewhere, sure right now I'm doing free shows that I have to get my family (who mostly hates me) and my friends (mostly imaginary) and my workers (mostly morons) to go and pay usually $10 plus $1.73 fee for Mohegan shows. The one at the Funny Bone is free if you use the promocode CLASH when you call for tickets. All you have to do is say your there to see your boy Bob Al Held when you pick them up. Anyway here's my upcoming schedule.

Oct 12 (Van permitting) at the Chill Zone in New Haven at 5pm.  Its a clean show for the easily offended

Oct 26th - Clash of the Comics at the Funny Bone in the Manchester Mall... you can get in for free again by using the promocode CLASH and mentioning your favorite cripple Bob Al Held is the performer you're there to see

Oct 27th / Nov 10th/ Nov 17th -  Comix Mohegan Sun shows start at 10pm and tickets are $10 plus a $1.73 fee

Here's videos of my last two performances so you can see how fucking hilarious I am.

Also, here is my newest shirt design to go with one of my jokes. As soon as they are ordered and delivered it will be sold at all my shows plus on my website cripplecreation.com.  I know you want one so you can help me go to Vegas in February. For the haters out there reading this, I don't care what I have to do for money or sell I'M GOING BACK! New shirt picture here

I haven't talked shit about anyone on here in a while so I will be doing so now. Unfortunately my worker deleted the message so I can't prove it 100% but this chick that is an executive producer on Channel 3 WFSB in CT News was selling a really fancy purse on one of those Tagsale groups on Facebook. I don't remember what brand because I'm not gay, but I know it was some fancypants one. Now keep in mind this chick probably got this bag for free at one of the events she went to for WFSB. Not only did she get mad at my worker for not giving her the full asking price for the purse, but she also bragged about spending $400 just to get it fixed. Fuck, if you want to waste $400 help me buy a flight or two to Vegas. But yeah just because you're some rich entitled bitch that thinks you're a big deal because you produce stories about not forgetting your baby in the backseat and how to survive a bear attack doesn't give you the right to be a bitch to whoever you want. So Stephanie Hoey, I just want to give a special fuck you shout out on my blog to you. Here's the bitch in question she even looks like a C U Next Tuesday... I can't get a real reporting job but this nice lady can.


Finally, this is a funny story about the creepy Canadian that works for me. First, and yes this story will be going in my act, one day her and I were watching the news. On it, there was a story about how they are trying to make Narcan (no idea how to spell it) more available to EMTs and emergency room doctors. But for those that don't know, it is a drug that helps people who are overdosing to stop, so basically it can save a lot of lives. However, when the creepy Canadian saw it she said good I'm glad its not as available right now they should just let people die. Um, creepy Canadian don't you work in a hospital where they have saved people in front of you with this? What kind of people are they saving that you feel this way? Also, your in charge of my personal well being 20-30 hours a week, I hope I'm never dying in front of you otherwise your response might be ehhh just let him die he had a good run. But he's 31, which is 75 in cripple years, its time to old yeller him.  Aka take him out back and shoot him in the head. Now that shes pissed at me for writing all this, she got this funny recall letter in the mail about her car recently. Its hard to read but basically it says we know there's a problem and that it needs to be fixed but they're not going to fix it until sometime in 2017. So yeah basically they're saying you might blow up and die but fuck you we don't care before the new year. Good luck and drive safe! May the odds be forever in your favor. Whatever car company made this vehicle, I do not want it when I get a new cripple van. hahaha I'm funny thats never happening. Unless I somehow survive it blowing up with me inside!