People Herpes Never Die!

 First off, this is going to be short, sweet and too the fucking point, because I'm losing my voice for some reason. With my luck I'm getting sick. #crippleproblems And second, I've been doing lots of stupid shit on here besides writing this. And third, here comes tipsy! Not the family dog, it was me as a toddler runnin' with a sippy cup! None of you got that last sentence, but it's fine, you don't deserve too.

(*Everything written about bitchface is fictional or just my alleged theories and is not based on any person living or dead, just to cover my ass.)

Before I delete it off of my social media, here she is to wreck the day...I think she's stoned in this picture but it's okay because I look it too.

***DISCLAIMER*** THIS PHOTO IS ONE I HAVE TAKEN OFF MY PERSONAL INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT AND THEREFORE I HAVE THE RIGHT TO USE IT IN MY POST. THIS IS NOT ALLEGED BITCHFACE, JUST SOMEONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THE ALLEGED BITCHAFCE CHARACTER I WRITE ABOUT.

Anyways, bitchface strikes again! Hopefully for the last time! Of course she told my mother she never received her final paycheck, which we all know is bullshit, and shouldn't even be sent to you since you made up these alleged hours you "worked", but that's besides the point because my mom is a lot nicer person than I am, and just wants you to GO THE FUCK AWAY. Oh yeah, and stop texting her, because YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE! Don't worry, she stopped payment on the first one so when you go to cash both, which I pray you do because your dumb ass will get arrested for check fraud, you wont be able to cash it. Sucks to suck bitchface, and you suck better than a straw! How many bitchfaces does it take to understand a restraining order?! Didn't they teach you about those in rehab or the psych ward... Apparently not. Or you missed that day in school...wait you never finished school. Typical New Britain trash, could you be anymore of a stereotype?! 22, unemployed puerto rican collecting social security along with both your parents, and foodstamps and welfare while your parents raise your bastard child"younger brother" because they are too religious to admit that you popped a baby out of your slut hole at 15. Too bad, you could've been on that MTV show, you're just as trashy as the rest of those bitches. Fuck, no wonder he is autistic, because you were on drugs the entire time you were pregnant. At least I figured out why you had to drop out of school. Fuck, I should be a police detective, I'm good at this shit.

Back to my original point, bitchface was too dumb too block one of my current workers(one of her former friends)...gee I wonder why they ain't friends anymore... on Facebook, right away, so guess what bitchface, she saw all your statuses about me. Since we're not supposed to be talking about each other on social media, or the internet. But whatever, I am too. So whatever you know where I live, maybe you can send more cops to my house at 4 am, I'm pretty sure I'm protected by the first amendment. Thank you college, something bitchface could only get into if it was Clown or Hamburger U! However, because of this it gave me the satisfaction of knowing that my statuses and blog posts, and pranks are doing a GREAT job at pissing you off! I haven't been that happy in years. Anything to make your life miserable. Also she claims that I'm delusional, psychotic, and so obsessed with her that I can't let it go because I'm madly in love with her. Bitch, you look like Ronald McDonald's daughter... I AM NOT in love with you, maybe when I was 5 and my fat ass had a thing for Ronald McDonald's daughter... but not now. Gimpy told me you were an easy slut, so I know if I threw some dollars at you, literal dollars, you would pretty much do whatever I wanted. And I fucking hate Gimpy too, but she was right! You think every guy that meets you in madly in love with you and brag how 40 guys a day message you on social media, but no that just means they think you're an easy whore, and I mean they are right. But trust me honey, they are not in love with you, they just wanna get their dicks wet. And I'm sure you've satisfied many customers. I mean, she doesn't do it for free. But they best part is, and I know this will burn you when you read it.... No non ghetto, non drug dealing trash is EVER going to want to take your ass home to mom... Fuck, the guy you dated for years was a coke head and he even got sick of your crazy cheating ass. If you can't keep Mr. White Lines, I don't think you're getting any self respecting man to put a ring on it or produce more children with you. Maybe some rich married guy will keep you as a side bitch, but that's the best you can hope for. Looks fade with age to be honest, so by the time your mama's age you'll be pullin' in fake welfare checks just like her... The apple don't fall too far from the tree! You'll probably have 5 kids with 5 different baby daddies, but at least you'll get a bigger welfare check that way! Always a smart plan, especially since that's what your parents encourage. Like Kanye says, "she have one of yo' kids, got you for 18 years". Here's a picture of Kanye making a Bitch face in honor of bitchface.

Before I really do get arrested, this will be my last blog post addressing the bitchface issue (allegedly). I love writing about her, and she is a comedic gift that keeps on giving. But... I ain't goin' to jail for NO bitch. So bitchface, I'll leave you with this: I honestly am not crazy, I'm not obsessed with you, I do not miss you working for me, and I was never madly in love with you, past or present tense. Did I use you to make the ex wife jealous? Absolutely I fucking did. So this is goodbye, I won't miss your crazy ass and I honestly hope you straighten your life out, and wish nothing but the best for you. Shocking I wrote that, I know, but I actually mean it. But I'm assuming you're always going to be the piece of shit you are. So good luck getting high, watching Sausage Party on endless re-runs while you pass out on the couch in your parents section 8 house, while all three of you collect welfare, until Trump deports your ass and takes those sweet welfare checks away! Plus the ex wife and the other traveling circus that works for me give me plenty of good stories to write about, so I don't need to write about you anymore. Adios Puta!


Finally remember awhile back when I wrote about the "original mom's" husband blowing me up with text messages on election day?To leave her alone and stay out of her life, even though she hadnt worked for me in 6 months? Oh and lets not forget the ex wife insists she doesnt even think about me anymore, I am an afterthought to her. Well that's funny guys, cause guess who poked me on Facebook the other day? ORIGINAL MOM!!! And here is the proof! Or in honor of the Oscars... do you like apples?! How do you like DEM APPLES! It's from an Oscar winning movie assholes!

I have nothing against her anymore, and I really dont care that she was stalking my facebook, but tell your husband and the ex wife, your new bestie, that I had NOTHING to do with this poking business. And I did not poke back for the record, nor will I ever. I don't know what you do for a living now, but do not ever become an undercover police officer, because you suck at it. Not everyone can figure out bitchface has a bastard child that they pretend is her little brother, okay one of my workers helped me with that theory, but I really think it's true and I'm taking the credit for it.

Come see me perform at Dangerfield's Comedy Club this Monday in NYC! Tickets are $15 at the door and I'm super proud to be performing there. If you don't know my other shows by now, check out my last blog post. So much for this being short.

(*Just to emphasize again... Everything written about bitchface is fictional or just my alleged theories and is not based on any person living or dead, just to cover my ass.)

JoJo

Did you know she's still alive? Well she is dammit. And apparently awkward turtle met her yesterday. And got a hug from her. Jealous? You bet I am, even if she was wearing a hideous white poncho. I felt a little sad for her thought when AT aka awkward turtle told me that she was performing at some bar in Hartford and only 20 people got invited and she performed like 3 new songs of which AT only knew 1. Okay it was a radio contest so truthfully only like 20 people were invited, but that doesn't make it sound as funny. So basically she spent more time driving to and from there then she did at the show. But, she still got to meet her so I'm jealous. But its a good thing JoJo didn't meet me. Because lets face it, when she saw me she would have never let me go. And I like to be single and ready to mingle. Gotta keep my options open once I become a famous sit-down comedian. Apparently, she has a new song with Wiz Khalifa. Again, didn't know she was making new music. And she didn't perform any of her classics. I would have yelled "I'm not gunna get out right now until its too little too late" until she performed those greats. Here is a picture of her in her hideous white poncho.

(not pictured awkward turtle, but I picked this one because the girls eyes are closed so its pretty funny)

In other news. AT just spelt news with a K (knews). The people that work for me are so smart. Sometimes when I get up in the morning, ya know around noon, I listen to the repeat of Boomer and Carton in the morning on CBS sports network. Those not cool enough to know, they are the morning show from 6-10am on WFAN the sports talk radio station out of NY. Anyways, today they were talking about the kicker for the New York Giants Josh Brown. It was reported last night that there were emails and journal entries where he openly admitted to physically, emotionally, and verbally abusing his ex-wife and children. He was arrested for domestic violence in the off-season and suspended for the first game of this season, but he lied and made it sound like it wasn't as bad as it was. From what I heard, this guy is disgusting and does not deserve to be playing in the NFL so don't take this the wrong way. Craig Carton said as much as his show this morning. But this is the same guy who admits he is good friends with Ray Rice. For those that don't know, there's a video of Ray Rice knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator in Atlantic City and dragging her body out of the elevator. Months after this happened, he had Rice on his show and tried to say what a great guy he was and that he just made one terrible mistake. Carton also tried to make the case that Ray Rice deserved another shot to play in the NFL. So let me get this right... a guy who was on video punching his wife and knocking her out should get to play again in the NFL, but the Giants kicker is the biggest piece of garbage in the world and should never play football again? Hypocrite much? Luckily for the rest of the world, nobody ever gave Ray Rice a second change. Normally I like Carton and thing he's funny even though he could be a bit of an asshole. This was definitely the stupidest and most hypocritical thing that I ever heard him say but he also hosts the sports radio talk show when I don't think he actually ever played sports. He just happened to get on a show with a former quarterback from the New York Jets. Why can't I get that lucky? Here's a picture of Carton, I tried to make him look as douchey as possible












 Ray Rice video for those who forgot


Finally major props today to my worker who legit asked me Oh why'd you never wanna be alone at home by yourself? Oh I don't know, because I can't move my arm if it falls of the controller, I can't pick my head up if its falls over, so I won't be able to breathe after a while, and I have no way of calling 911 or even getting out of the house if an emergency happens. This was because the girl coming after her was going to be ten minutes late because her car broke down and god forbid she had to stay til 5:10 instead of 5. For somebody who claims they care about me so much they sure seem to not be able to get away from me fast enough. Also, this is the same chick who has showed up late or not at all with no fucks given about the person coming before or after her having to stay with me til we figured out who was coming in for her. And then she wonders why shitty things always happen to her... um I don't know because you're a shitty person? And she can't figure out why my family, most of my other workers, and myself 50% of the time can't stand her.... well maybe its because you show up if/when you feel like it, complain then sit on your phone the whole time you're here. Freak out if you have to take me anywhere, and spazz out if we're not back before your shifts over. Here's an idea, if you want to be a lazy piece of shit and not work all day then collect welfare and social security, try to pop out a few more welfare babies, move down south into a double wide, and do what the rest of your family does, sue and collect government benefits for made up illnesses and bullshit injuries. And then blame the rest of the world for all your problems. Yup, one day I hope you read this and it pisses you off. But after all I've done for you I give few to no fucks anymore. Today I tell the creepy Canadian, "Oh you were actually early after all that freaking out" because she showed up at 4:55. She was like yeah I rushed here so you wouldn't be left home by yourself. And the other girl has the balls to say "I've never left you by yourself." Technically true, but you threaten to leave in the middle of shifts, ask other workers to come in, or call my mom like a 5-year-old to tattle tale on me. Not to mention as soon as you saw awkward turtle pull in the driveway yesterday you sprinted out the door. Then you wonder why I preferred to sit and stare at a blank computer screen for 2.5 hours rather than talk to you or ask you for help yesterday. Umm because you never listen to anything I say anyways because your always arguing with your lesbian roomate on the phone. At least you finally figured out your straight I guess since you did get knocked up by some random dude... allegedly... or at least he probably paid your bills or something because we all know you use people until they're no longer useful to you. And that's all I have to say about that.

This isn't what she looks like but if she keeps acting and living like she does this is what I imagine she'll look like one day. Yes, I googled crackwhore to find this picture.