JoJo Part 2

 

So I was looking at old blog posts that I wrote... quite disturbing and hilarious. Ironically in one blog post from October 2016, I wrote about JoJo and Craig Carton, both of whom I will be writing about again almost a year later. Yeah I haven't written since my birthday, but that is because I was busy actually doing things that were making me money, but now that that's over with and I'm racking up massive debt again thanks to boats and hoes mostly hoes somewhat boats, I'm back to writing this for free.

 

First of all, there's JoJo. See, back about a year ago I wrote how one of my old workers who I called Awkward Turtle met her because she won some radio contest. I don't speak to or write about Awkward Turtle anymore mostly because most of her friends turned out to be crack heads who literally asked me to get them drugs, plus when she quit she recommended bitch face to work for me, and we all know how well that went... So yeah, that's why she's no longer a part of my life. Anyway,  I mean yeah I forgot about JoJo because you know, she disappeared for like 12 years from the music scene apparently to go to college and because she had problems with her record label. But I recently discovered JoJo's new music, thanks to Stoney Beroni sister of @TheRealKimmieBenson, but I realized she has embraced being and writing songs that make her sound like a trashy hoe, which of course I love her for. my two favorites are FAB which for those of you not cool enough to know it means Fake Ass Bitches... when they smile in your face but behind you it ain't well wishes... and they eat all the food off your plates and don't even do the dishes... no time for these fake ass bitches.... You can jump on the bandwagon, take all your money and your lame ass friends... go ahead and jump on that bandwagon you fake ass bitches!! Then there's a collaboration with Wiz Kahlifa  called Fuck Apologies.. I'd say sorry if I really meant it! The highlight of the music video would be JoJo swimming naked in a pool with some definite side boob action going on.... HOT! Oh JoJo you are my spirit animal. My next tattoo will definitely be FAB, I just have to figure out where?!? I also like Say Love, even though Stoney Beroni hates it...According to the song you don't even have to say JoJo is perfect or pretty just say love.. JoJo girl, I'll say it every time!Stoney Beroni has created a monster, and I don't know how to stop it... FAB! I started a social media campaign playing up my crippleness / dying in order to try and meet her. Dammit if only I hadn't done Make A Wish already!

 

Onto Craig Carton, who used to key word USED TO host the morning show on WFAN which was also broadcast on CBS Sports Network, with Boomer Esiason, and I used to watch repeats of in the afternoon when I finally woke my fat lazy ass up. That was until the middle of last week when he got arrested for a whole bunch of charges by the FBI. Shocked, nope, I'm not at all! Even though I always found his sarcastic dickness humorous. I always knew there was something scummy about him. Well I don't really know what he did wrong, however I know it's a preview of my future because he owed a bunch of bookies and casinos in the area tons of money. Something about him buying tickets at face value, and trying to sell them for a huge profit in order to pay all these debts back. I didn't know that was illegal because I do this all the time on StubHub. I don't know, maybe it was because he bought 80,000 dollars worth of Barbra Streisand, Katy Perry, and Adele tickets on a credit card with his name and sold them at a huge profit. Problem was, he didn't sell most of them, so he still owed lots of people lots of money, and the credit card he bought the tickets with was in his name. As I wrote in my last blog post about Justin Perrucci, if you're going to commit a crime, don't be so fucking stupid about it. Needless to say, Craig Carton was indefinitely suspended after his arrest last week, and this week when I watched the show, besides numerous guest hosts taking his spot on the show, any mention of him on the show or in the studio it is hosted in has quickly been removed. For all the shit he talked about Mike Francesa, announcing his retirement 2 years in advance from WFAN, and making fun of him on the show, and him leaving the network in December... The ultimate irony is he outlasted your ass by four month and ultimately gets the last laugh! Maybe he will have a joint cell with his buddies Ray Rice and I'm guessing in the future Chris Christie!

 

Finally, sort of speaking of football, and I know a million people have already talked about this, but did anyone catch the broadcast of the second Monday night football game on ESPN a couple days ago? Yes, on the first Monday night of the NFL regular season, for some reason ESPN and the NFL like to broadcast two Monday night football games. The first and regular Monday night broadcast team usually does the earlier game of the night, so I get the second later game broadcast crew won't be as good, just like Stoney Beroni's typing in this, especially since they're working only one NFL game during the season and it's on real late, so not as many people are watching. Holy crap though, this year's B-Team was exceptionally bad. First of all, yes I know I'm being a sexist asshole, but they had a woman doing the play by play commentary and as bad as it looked and sounded, she was the best part of the whole broadcast. They had former Jets and Bills head coach Rex Ryan doing a analysis and play breakdowns, and holy shit he was as bad at that as he was coaching. At one point I could literally hear him talking to the producers telling them he could draw on the screen of a replay of the previous play in the game to show people what happens during the play, which is great and all, but I'm not supposed to be able to hear him tell producers that while he is on the air. I mean I watched Hard Knocks, the year the Jets and him were on it, and considering since it was on HBO every other word out of his mouth was, "Fuck." I'm just impressed he got through a whole broadcast without saying it, or maybe he didn't. I don't truthfully know because it was so bad I had to turn it off for a while just to stop listening to the awful commentary. Then there was the sideline reporter. First of all his name was Sergio Dipp. I never heard of or saw him before, and I don't think I ever will again after this. He was so bad, and I mean SO BAD, that at first I thought he was some high school kid that won a contest or some autistic guy doing his Make A Wish. I only saw him at the beginning of the game because he was so bad I don't know if they ever went back to him, but during that minute I saw him, he yelled, paused, and um-ed and ahh-ed his way through such an awkward opening that Stoney Beroni could have wrote a better one on a teleprompter live, and it would have sounded better. I'll see if I could find the video to it on YouTube and post it on here.

Also don't call it a come back I have been here for years... okay... a year, but after a six week break, I'm rolling the rust off of my wheels and doing the Hartford Funny Bone open mic on Tuesday. See the problem is most comedy shows around this area require you to bring 4 or 5 people at $10-20 a ticket just to get 5 minutes of stage time after you usually drive anywhere from 45-60 minutes just to get to the fucking place. So yeah, due to those lovely rules, I took a break for a while and now I'm mainly going to be focusing on comedy shows that are open mics or don't have bringer requirements because I am tired of giving money to Pat Oates and Ryan Brauth's kid's college funds. Fuck that, I'm only making money in comedy for myself from now on. Oh, plus the place I did a lot of shows in in New Haven got a bunch of water damage and might never re-open. And for some reason most of the open mics in CT or shows that don't require you to bring people are in places like Groton, New London, and Manchester, which are at least 45 to an hour away from where I live.Oh yeah, hopefully this time around, comedy is a bit easier though... I'll keep you posted and until next time, if you keep reading this I don't think you like me, I just think you like the chase but you know it's just a little too late!

JoJo

Did you know she's still alive? Well she is dammit. And apparently awkward turtle met her yesterday. And got a hug from her. Jealous? You bet I am, even if she was wearing a hideous white poncho. I felt a little sad for her thought when AT aka awkward turtle told me that she was performing at some bar in Hartford and only 20 people got invited and she performed like 3 new songs of which AT only knew 1. Okay it was a radio contest so truthfully only like 20 people were invited, but that doesn't make it sound as funny. So basically she spent more time driving to and from there then she did at the show. But, she still got to meet her so I'm jealous. But its a good thing JoJo didn't meet me. Because lets face it, when she saw me she would have never let me go. And I like to be single and ready to mingle. Gotta keep my options open once I become a famous sit-down comedian. Apparently, she has a new song with Wiz Khalifa. Again, didn't know she was making new music. And she didn't perform any of her classics. I would have yelled "I'm not gunna get out right now until its too little too late" until she performed those greats. Here is a picture of her in her hideous white poncho.

(not pictured awkward turtle, but I picked this one because the girls eyes are closed so its pretty funny)

In other news. AT just spelt news with a K (knews). The people that work for me are so smart. Sometimes when I get up in the morning, ya know around noon, I listen to the repeat of Boomer and Carton in the morning on CBS sports network. Those not cool enough to know, they are the morning show from 6-10am on WFAN the sports talk radio station out of NY. Anyways, today they were talking about the kicker for the New York Giants Josh Brown. It was reported last night that there were emails and journal entries where he openly admitted to physically, emotionally, and verbally abusing his ex-wife and children. He was arrested for domestic violence in the off-season and suspended for the first game of this season, but he lied and made it sound like it wasn't as bad as it was. From what I heard, this guy is disgusting and does not deserve to be playing in the NFL so don't take this the wrong way. Craig Carton said as much as his show this morning. But this is the same guy who admits he is good friends with Ray Rice. For those that don't know, there's a video of Ray Rice knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator in Atlantic City and dragging her body out of the elevator. Months after this happened, he had Rice on his show and tried to say what a great guy he was and that he just made one terrible mistake. Carton also tried to make the case that Ray Rice deserved another shot to play in the NFL. So let me get this right... a guy who was on video punching his wife and knocking her out should get to play again in the NFL, but the Giants kicker is the biggest piece of garbage in the world and should never play football again? Hypocrite much? Luckily for the rest of the world, nobody ever gave Ray Rice a second change. Normally I like Carton and thing he's funny even though he could be a bit of an asshole. This was definitely the stupidest and most hypocritical thing that I ever heard him say but he also hosts the sports radio talk show when I don't think he actually ever played sports. He just happened to get on a show with a former quarterback from the New York Jets. Why can't I get that lucky? Here's a picture of Carton, I tried to make him look as douchey as possible












 Ray Rice video for those who forgot


Finally major props today to my worker who legit asked me Oh why'd you never wanna be alone at home by yourself? Oh I don't know, because I can't move my arm if it falls of the controller, I can't pick my head up if its falls over, so I won't be able to breathe after a while, and I have no way of calling 911 or even getting out of the house if an emergency happens. This was because the girl coming after her was going to be ten minutes late because her car broke down and god forbid she had to stay til 5:10 instead of 5. For somebody who claims they care about me so much they sure seem to not be able to get away from me fast enough. Also, this is the same chick who has showed up late or not at all with no fucks given about the person coming before or after her having to stay with me til we figured out who was coming in for her. And then she wonders why shitty things always happen to her... um I don't know because you're a shitty person? And she can't figure out why my family, most of my other workers, and myself 50% of the time can't stand her.... well maybe its because you show up if/when you feel like it, complain then sit on your phone the whole time you're here. Freak out if you have to take me anywhere, and spazz out if we're not back before your shifts over. Here's an idea, if you want to be a lazy piece of shit and not work all day then collect welfare and social security, try to pop out a few more welfare babies, move down south into a double wide, and do what the rest of your family does, sue and collect government benefits for made up illnesses and bullshit injuries. And then blame the rest of the world for all your problems. Yup, one day I hope you read this and it pisses you off. But after all I've done for you I give few to no fucks anymore. Today I tell the creepy Canadian, "Oh you were actually early after all that freaking out" because she showed up at 4:55. She was like yeah I rushed here so you wouldn't be left home by yourself. And the other girl has the balls to say "I've never left you by yourself." Technically true, but you threaten to leave in the middle of shifts, ask other workers to come in, or call my mom like a 5-year-old to tattle tale on me. Not to mention as soon as you saw awkward turtle pull in the driveway yesterday you sprinted out the door. Then you wonder why I preferred to sit and stare at a blank computer screen for 2.5 hours rather than talk to you or ask you for help yesterday. Umm because you never listen to anything I say anyways because your always arguing with your lesbian roomate on the phone. At least you finally figured out your straight I guess since you did get knocked up by some random dude... allegedly... or at least he probably paid your bills or something because we all know you use people until they're no longer useful to you. And that's all I have to say about that.

This isn't what she looks like but if she keeps acting and living like she does this is what I imagine she'll look like one day. Yes, I googled crackwhore to find this picture.  

Dog shot in vagina... what?

Sorry it's been so long but I've actually been pretty busy this week. I know it's hard to believe but I'm reporting again on a writing this beautiful thing, starting a T-shirt business, and even went to NYC this week. I was one busy cripple and all I have for it is a sore neck from bouncing around on the train and driving through the streets of New York.

First of all, why was I in New York? Well, besides my love of prostitutes, bums. horrible smells, and all the crazy people you see in New York, I also wanted to go to the Mike & the Maddog reunion show at Radio City Music Hall. It was a lot of fun and there were tons of famous athletes there.  Tom Coughlin, Joe Torre, Mark Messier, Bobby Valentine, and Jeff Van Gundy and several others. Plus, it was awesome to see the dynamic duo together for the first time in 8 years. Seriously, I was so sad when they split up in 2008 because my Dad had gotten me into listening to them all the way back in 1999 when my biggest concern was how to beat Crash Bandicoot, look it up people. I was kind of sad though because I know how much my Father would have loved to have been there. We used to always listen to Mike & the Maddog and laugh at how Chris Russo talks like Elmer Fudd. I would like to think he was there though.

Then there was the adventure of trying to get to Radio City Music Hall and back from Grand Central. Sure, in theory it was only .7 miles away and I missed my cab I had booked for when we got there so my cheap ass decided to try and drive my wheelchair the whole way. Well lets see, between the crappy sidewalks, potholes, sewer grates, and crappy NYC roads, I'm assuming I now have CTE, just hope I don't go on a killing spree like OJ. I had almost made it to Radio City but my arm was dying so we decided to go into Saks 5th Avenue, so I could warm up and rest my arm. It was funny when the sales people asked if they could help us. Um, I don't think I make in a year what some of the stuff in that store costs. Eventually I bounced my way over and somehow got into Radio City. On the way out, I saw Suzyn Waldman (bitch) and Kim Jones (hot) who work on the radio and TV for Yankees games. I wanted to stop and ask for pictures / autographs with the hot chick but I was afraid bitchface would eat my soul and the soul of my worker's son even though he wasn't there. And of course on the way to the train station we got harassed by a bum who sounded like he was about to hack out one of his lungs, AKA the wife in 10 years. Luckily, before my worker hit him over a head with a soda bottle or he raped/pickpocketed us, we got back to grand central at the perfect time.

After that was the weirdest fucking train ride I ever took in my lifetime. Yes, I know I took the 12:15am train from Grand Central to New Haven on a Wednesday night/ Thursday morning but holy shit was it full of escaped mental patients. First of all, there was these group of four guys sitting behind me and my worker. One of the guys had on Mets stuff I'm embarrassed to say and was talking so much to the other 3 I assumed they all knew each other.  Boy oh boy was I wrong. For 75% of his ride he sat right on top of them even though there were empty seats at one point during the ride. All four of the men had come from the Iron Maiden Concert, yet I heard him ask the other guys questions such as have you ever been to a Journey or ABBA concert? Dude, if you were at a Iron Maiden concert I don't think they ever saw ABBA! He also asked them probably about 295 other questions in 90 minutes and offered 5 guys some of his beer while he slowly poured and drank it the whole way back. Then he got up and moved to another car and thats when he realized he didn't know the people he was sitting with because they were laughing about it along with the drunk guys sitting across from us. The scariest part was he wanted to know where they lived, and the names of their kids. When he moved cars he didn't get off right away and was still just staring into our car at all the people sitting near me. And creepy enough all you could see through the window was his eyes staring at you. I hope they didn't get followed by him and stabbed on the way home. The guys across from me were also funny other than the fact that 2 out of the 3 of them were so drunk I'm kind of scared that they drove home. But the one guy kept taking pictures of his drunk friends passed out, moving seats, so he wouldn't laugh at random question guy and almost fell on his ass once when he didn't realize his seat had gone up when he stood up. At least he was sane though. And he had his friend come sit near us after his friend took a shit in a train toilet (barf) the things you hear on New York City trains.  Unfortunately crazy question guy didn't ask drunk shit guy 300 questions. This train ride also featured a guy who looked like Tyler Perry, who was also on our train to to the City, wierd! A guy who sat with his cello the whole time, and the guy who looked like he was straight out of 1987 Iron Maiden road manager with hair down to his ass, leather jacket, ripped blue jeans, and creepy side burns complete with white trash necklace. But his girlfriend was even nastier, she looked like she had following Iron Maiden as a groupie since I was born in 85 and was dressed completely inappropriately for someone her age. Google sluts in the 80s and you'll probably see what she looked like. At least I gave a pregnant homeless lady 5 bucks when I got to New Haven. Granted she probably bought booze or crack with it but at least I tried to be nice after that hidden camera freak show train ride I was on on the way home.

Then there is the next day with my good ol' pal gimpy Mcbutt face.  Poor gimpy can't catch a break. She texted me to tell me that there was something wrong with her face. I believe it is just a chemical burn/ allergic reaction but of course I told her she had herpes of the face. I tried to warn her not to rehab in hospital pools because my uncle once got MRSA from one, but she didn't listen. Therefor, I had to go to the doctor all the way in Newington with her. Just what I felt like doing when I hadn't gone to bed til 4am and woke up at 11am.  For some reason, Gimpy's primary doctor is an internal medicine doctor but I won't ask. She shares an office with a Gynecologist so not only did I have to sweat my ass off in the waiting room for 30 minutes, why was it so hot in there? I don't know are vaginas suppose to be kept warm? But goddamn I was sweating like Whitney going through crack withdrawals or the wife without cigarettes.  On top of that I had to see at least 80 year old woman get called into the gyno's office, I didn't even know vaginas still work at that age, or my personal favorite the high schooler who came in with her mom. For some reason her mom made her fill out the paperwork even though this bitch asked her mom how to answer every question this chick is starting college in the fall! What, you learn a lot when you're sitting in a hotbox full of people. That helped my anxiety so much. But my favorite was when she had to ask her mom when her first period was. Bitch, you don't know when aunt flo came to visit for the first time?  Granted I know nothing about this and all that shit grosses me the fuck out but isn't that suppose to be like a big deal or something? When I was a kid I saw this fucked up documentary where this British chick had a party complete with cake, friends, and presents, the first time she was bloody Mary. Luckily, right after that Gimpy came back out with her herpes of the face medicine. Worst doctor visit ever!

Finally, to show how smart once again some of the people who work for me are, I received a breaking news email from NBC CT how a bunch of people were shot and injured at a Greyhound bus station in Virginia. When my worker saw this she started laughing. When I said its really not that funny that a bunch of people were shot and some died at a bus station she said, ohhh, I thought the headline said that a Greyhound dog had been shot several times in the vagina. I shit you not! Here is a picture of the headline.

First of all, why would a Greyhound being shot be funny to you? Second of all, why is being shot several times in the vagina funny to you? Third, why would they be reporting this as a News story in CT? I know this state sucks but even something that fucked up probably wouldn't make the News here. Finally, if it was shot in the vagina, I don't think they would say it like that in the News. They would probably say in the back. This chick wants to become a nurse. Dear god protect her patients! But hey her and the wife never know what the date is or even what month/day of the week it is. So what was I expecting?

Until next time America!