Orlando

I can't remember the last time I wrote in here, or even what I wrote about. So if I'm repeating myself too fucking bad... don't read this... I'm pretty sure most people by now have stopped cause I said or wrote something that offended them. Here is a video of my last performance at Comix Mohegan Sun from Thursday Dec 15th. Watch it or you won't get the next paragraph.

Hopefully you heard me mention the fact that one of my workers threatened to leave me on the side of the road in New Haven. Okay it wasn't exactly New Haven, it was the ghetto part of Hamden, but you know the part that's near New Haven right by Walmart. Okay and it wasn't exactly the side of the road, it was in my van by myself on some side street near the ghetto part of New Haven. But still, fuck her... what do you think is going to happen when you threaten to leave me on the side of a road... you already know I'm such an ass that I'll say go ahead! Which I did, because even if your roommate does come pick you up and you do leave me there how do you think that's going to look for you? Like oh hey Roberts Mom or Hamden police, I left your son/my boss in a minivan on the side of the road in the ghetto.... oh and did I mention he's in a wheelchair and can't take care of himself? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wasn't going to end well for you. Not saying I didn't deserve it, I mean I did tell her she was such a piece of shit that God didn't want her to have a baby! But if you knew the ex wife like I did you would have said it too. All I was asking her to do was call another worker to come in for 9 when it was already 7:30 because of course the ex wife was driving me nuts, and of course she refused for whatever reason and things just escalated from there. This is the same bitch who threatens my mom and me saying that she will sue because of all these bullshit reasons acting like I said I wouldn't pay her... um no. I said my mom will pay you for overnight hours you obviously already worked, but if you keep acting like a psycho, she is not going to want you in her house or to pay you out of her own pocket in the future.  And then you will only be able to work through the state agency that pays my workers during the day. The best part is, you wonder why my family and everyone else that works for me fucking hates you? Um I don't know maybe because you called out 3 times last week. And the one time you did show up you threatened to leave me on the side of the road? Oh and it's fine for the other girls to work all your shifts and for you to talk shit about them but god forbid you cover any of their shifts when they're out. At first I was convinced I was as crazy as her, but I'm finally breaking out of the psycho spell and actively looking for someone to replace her. I can't deal with this toxicity in my life any more. It's fine, she will never read this because she has me blocked on all social media because she still thinks I give a flying fuck about anything she posts or any guy/girl that hits on her on their. Nopeee you can have her and deal with that human cancer/ psycho bullshit. I'm done with it. I think after the whole I'm pregnant with another man's child, I stopped trying and giving a flying fuck about anything you do. Yet you still try to cry to me and tell me how poor you are when you need something. All I have to say is FUCK OFF. I found someone else to help if I want to, and they are a lot more appreciative then you'll ever be.

The good news is I'm finally getting my hairy crippled ass to Florida particularly Orlando... why? Because I'm going to Disney World Mom! Nah, fuck that (well I might go for a day). But I'm really going so I can see WrestleMania 33 in Orlando on April 2nd. I'm going April 1-6 and staying in some fancy pants resort. Why? Because when your in as much debt as I am you get to a point where you just say fuck it. Plus I wanted to cross going to Florida and Wrestlemania off my bucket list. Awkward turtle just wrote fucket list instead of bucket list, I was tempted just to leave it. Yup, she's like herpes, every time I try to get rid of her she just comes back. Just kidding the fucked up part is I made her type that. Anyway, I'm going there with the new wife and the new mom... so it should actually be fun and drama free. Of course just like in Vegas the third person that was suppose to go dropped out. Hopefully I can find someone to replace her by then... if not I may be hiring a hooker off the streets of Orlando, then I won't have to pay for their flight! Just kidding, I can probably survive with just two people but I don't really want to risk it.


But yeah, I'm on a roll lately with workers. The ex wife is threatening to leave me on the side of the road and I'm probably replacing her, gimpy blocked me on all social media and my phone number, guess she doesn't like jokes about me being her drug supplier, and the girl that dropped out of Orlando I'm pretty sure just pretended to ask for time off at her other job and then lied and said she couldn't get it just because she was mad at me. Either that she really did but her boss did say no because I know with this job she only comes once a week and calls out at least once a month. Yeah, if you called out that often and worked full time for me I wouldn't give you 5 days off either. Especially when you've been to Florida like 3 times in the last year. I used to not understand why she didn't work for me more when I actually pay better, but the new wife and the new mom help me figure it out the other night. When you work in a group home you have like at least 5 other people working with you and all you really have to do is make sure your clients don't die, literally! Here at my house, ya know sometimes you actually have to do work. Is it a coincidence that the last few times you called out were the same Tuesday nights that I had to actually do something? I highly doubt it! Maybe she's taking pointers from the ex wife on how to have a job but do as little work as possible without getting fired. I mean I did offer to ride all the way with her to Boston to pick up her mom from the airport and of course, just like the ex wife she came up with an excuse why that wouldn't work either! And then she got mad because I said her and her boyfriend deserve each other. Well they kind of do, I mean, lazy potheads who want to sit on the couch all day and do nothing but sleep, eat, work, watch tv, and play video games. Yeah, you too are a match made in heaven! The best part was she started threatening to tell my workers what I say about them... um hello have you read this blog? Anything I've written on here I have already said to their face or they have read it on here. If you hate your boyfriend that much then why are you with him? Or at least be smart enough not to bitch about it to me because you know I'm going to make a joke about it when you piss me off. Some people never learn! 

Quick Gimpy story about why she blocked me on everything. As you know, Gimpy lost half a foot slamming a go kart into the back of a van. Shit you not, look it up on the interwebs. Because of this, she's had a lot of surgeries on said foot, and I actually do feel bad about that. That being said, a couple weeks ago the new wife wasn't sure if she could work one of her shifts, luckily she ended up being able to. But, in the meantime I asked Gimpy if she could work the shift instead. She said she would have but she couldn't walk from her latest surgery. When I called bullshit on that, she went crazy on me and started swearing at me, classy thing to do for somebody that pays you. Yes, I know I'm an asshole but she was full of shit. Quite literally, she always talks to me about how she can't poop.  Stop popping pain pills and Molly, it might go along way. But anyway I knew she could walk because she was drunk texting me 3 days before asking me to drive all the way from Cheshire to East Hartford and then drop her off in Hamden to have a drunken hookup with some gross guy that looks like a pedophile.  If you're able to go to the bar and ask your boss to bring you on a drunken hookup (not awkward at all) then I'm pretty sure your capable of working. But fuck I wouldn't work either if my family owned a house with a three car garage and had houses in several foreign countries and paid for everything even though I don't work. I mean yeah I try to do that, but my mom cut me off a long time ago and I'm pretty sure we don't have spare houses in foreign countries or a three car garage. But hey this is the same chick that asked me to score her Molly and wasn't joking. So I guess it's my own fault for hiring all these winners. I imagine this is what she wanted me to find.


Finally, here are some of my upcoming shows.

12/29/16 - Comix Mohegan Sun at 10pm
Tickets are $10 purchase here 

1/17/17 Dante's Restaurant in Stratford at 8pm

1/19/17  Comix Mohegan Sun at 10pm
Tickets $10 purchase here

1/26/17   location TBA New London CT Roast Battle. I'm competing against 8 other comedians and if I win I get $100 so you fuckers better show up because the more support I have the more likely I am to win.
*WARNING: DO NOT ATTEND IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED. I will be saying very fucked up things about the other people in the competition and they will be saying fucked up things right back at me. So for those of you that want to see me get ripped a new asshole this is perfect for you!*

Paleo Diet-This is a boring and not funny entry

I had to write this for a writing sample for a job I applied to..hopefully I get it..well this might not be funny or interesting to read to some people but I worked hard on it so I want you guys to read it anyways..

The key to the Paleo Diet is to basically eat like a caveman. In simple terms it means individuals on this diet should only eat items that can be hunted or found.

For example some things you can eat on the Paleo Diet are meats, fish, nuts, leafy vegetables, and seeds. If someone seriously wants to start the Paleo Diet then they cannot eat pasta, cereal or candy. However, it is a great way to learn how to make dishes such as chicken stir fry and paleo spaghetti.

The most difficult part of any diet is keeping track of calories and portion size. Most people who are dieting hate doing this. A benefit to the Paleo Diet is individuals on it will quickly learn that not all calories are created equal. There is a major difference between 400 calories of potato chips versus 400 calories of high quality meats and vegetables.  

If individuals on the Paleo Diet can learn to eat and try new foods, while completely removing other certain types of foods, then they can stop being concerned about counting calories forever. There are not many diets that do not make individuals on it count calories, while also allowing them to eat until they are no longer hungry, but the Paleo Diet does. It also helps individuals lose weight, build muscle, and get into shape.

When properly followed the Paleo Diet can be extremely effective, the reason being that the diet is based on how individuals ate before foods full of fats, sugars, and preservatives came along. Even though as a society, individuals have not been hunter-gatherers for a long time, our genetics have not changed much since then.

The average human being back then was tall, muscular, agile, athletic, and incredibly versatile. Now the average human being is, overweight, out of shape, stressed out, unhappy, sleep deprived and dying from a myriad of preventable diseases.

This happened because as people settled down and started forming societies, they became less active. As we became less active, and changed our eating habits it began to cause more health problems. In other words, over the last few hundred years our diet changed, but our genetics did not.

The United States Government still recommends 6-11 servings of grains per day. Yet, people keep getting heavier and heavier as a society. Two out of three people are overweight, and one out of three is considered obese. By being on the Paleo Diet it helps individuals focus on what they are biologically designed to eat. This allows us to reach our genetic potential and living a healthier lifestyle right away.

Now back to some funny shit. The Ex wife and I are actually getting along this week, maybe she felt threatened by the new wife, maybe she just really wants this awesome bobble head placed back in my bedroom.

Either way I'll keep my wheels crossed that it lasts.I'm actually trying to work my way out of the massive amount of debt that I have created. I have signed up for several secret shopper trips, sure they only pay 10-20$ a trip but every dollar counts, did I mention I'm constantly selling shirts on my website cripplecreation.com for the low low price of only 20$!! I even applied to be a substitute teacher in Meriden Public School and I got one of my new workers to agree to make the cripple van into an uber/lyft even though it falls apart every 10 minutes, but I'll take what I can get..I'm still pissed at Penelope (that's what i call the piece of crap cripple van) for getting a flat tire and costing me a comedy gig in NYC..it wasn't important to my career goals or anything. Here's some shows i have coming up, hopefully I'll get more soon and if I ever get paid to do one I'll really be excited!

12-14: Free show at 6 p.m at Chill Zone in New Haven for a friend of mine and one of my dads former students. I have to keep it clean which might be difficult for me but I'll try.

12-15, 12-29, 1-19: Comix at Mohegan Sun...all dates are Thursdays at 10 p.m with tickets starting at 10$ and I know most of my family is off from work on the 29th so you better come watch me perform if you haven't you cheap bastards!Tickets can be purchased online just make sure you check Bob Al Held at the checkout as the comedian you are going to see.

Finally I was devastated to watch SmackDown today because that soccer mom haircut wearing asshole AJ Styles beat the crap out of my boy James Ellsworth! He hit him in the back with a steel chair, and even did the Styles-Clash off the steel stairs onto the hard floor...needless to say it was the most horrific thing I've ever seen. He had to be put into a neck brace and get stretchered into an ambulance and my other favorite boy Dean Ambrose even went with him in the ambulance to the hospital that's how bad it was! It's because the chin has 3 wins over AJ and he recently won a title shot against him so I think he was afraid to go 0-4 against Ellsworth so he took him out of play..you heartless bastard..that was my 9-11! I have been in bed all day crying and wearing black trying to forgot that horrific sight or James being loaded into that ambulance! It's ok though, I know he will be back (besides the fact that wrestling is fake) plus, any man with two hands has a fighting chance... I truly believe it! Here's a picture of James after that disaster, it hurt just to post it.Also, not quite sure why he looks like a turtle without a shell.

At least Dean Ambrose beat the crap out of Aj Styles to get revenge for our boy James Ellsworth! If he's not back I'll start a riot.