I wish Mark Wahlberg was still Marky Mark

Did you know his wife was in the Funky Bunch.. I shit you not look it up! It’s been a while since I wrote one of these things. Did you miss me? I know I missed me, see I’ve been in hiding because I made the internet hate me last week. For real, I kind of went into hiding and didn’t leave my house for a week. Okay, that was also because I’m a morbidly obese crippled shut in, who hates people so much, he doesn’t like to leave his house, and truthfully I’m broke as fuck so I don’t have any money to go out and do anything. For real, I owe Webster bank over $600, and they have started sending the bill collectors after me. It’s not my fault they’re dumb enough to let me open up a bank account. Anyway more on why I made the internet hate me last week in a bit.

But first, somehow I made the finals of the choice this comedy/ music competition I competed a few times in, at a bar in New Haven. The guy running it was mad cool, and so were his friends, so even though I don’t know how I made it to the finals without winning one of the six weeks. I will take any opportunity to perform especially when I can win money. I’m pretty sure they let me perform because they feel bad for me after the internet debacle last week; I’m getting to it dammit! It was something about all the judges wanted to see me come back the most, one of them was a crip, so blame him if you dint want to see me perform! Just a joke comedy people, don’t get butt hurt. I didn’t do too badly, I came in 8th, and did I mention there were only 8 people competing in the finals? Haha I mean as great as my jokes about paying hot girls to wipe my ass are, I really couldn’t compete with people who sang ass kicking versions of songs they wrote. Seriously though, the three people that made the finals were phenomenal, and I aint talking about AJ Styles here! They all deserved to be in the top 3 and win money. Well except maybe one of them. She has a really annoying, high pitched voice, and kind of sings like Elmer Fudd, but hey my voice is annoying too so what do I know… plus I felt a little bad because some people in the front row were laughing at her during her first song. Yeah, I’m an asshole, but I’m not that much of an asshole. I say this every year after the Mets rip my heart out, there’s always next season? At least I hope so. Plus, the show needs a few adjustments if they do another season. First of all, I love the guy that hosts it and his judge friends, but as the night goes on and they all get drunker, the show drags on forever. Seriously, it starts at 9pm, and doesn’t end until midnight or 1 am! Also, the people who come watch are rude. Luckily, I think they feel bad when I perform so they’re quiet and listen, but when other people perform, and it’s not their friends or relatives, they’re either on their phone or talking to other people the whole time. It’s a comedy/ music show, if you don’t want to pay attention to everyone then doesn’t show up, especially since it’s free to get in. My Asian comedy friend probably had to commit a Harry Carey, aka suicide because people were being so rude and talking loudly through his set that he definitely had to kill himself before Kim Jong Un tried to honor kill his parents back in North Korea! Nah, he’s mad cool and he helped hold the microphone while I performed, and my worker recorded it. If I ever decide to hire a guy to help me, and not a hot girl/former stripper/former hooker it will definitely be you! 

 

Then there was last night, I have never felt less talented or well known than I did at a comedy show last night. Granted it was in NYC, at Dangerfield’s Comedy Club, yes it was formerly owned by the famous comedian Rodney Dangerfield, or as all the idiot workers that work for me say, “WHO?” Ehh you know he’s made a bunch of famous comedy movies over the course of three decades, and told everyone he gets no respect, which is only one of the most famous lines in comedy, so I totally understand why you have never heard of him, read a book or watch one of his movies you ignorant fucks! Anyway, everyone I saw perform before me was really talented and funny, and had great resumes to back it up. One of the guys had a special on Netflix, another guy was in the movie Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood, one guy opened for Louis C.K. at Madison Square Garden, and most of the rest had headlined shows and toured around the country. Then there was me, coming straight off a performance at a restaurant in New Haven, and shows for 12 people at Mohegan Sun… Yeahhh, my credits didn’t quite match up… No wonder when the host introduced me, all he came up with was that I drove all the way from Connecticut to perform there tonight, I kind of wish he said, “Here comes the fat, unemployed, asshole, straight out of his mom’s basement.” To make me really feel inadequate! It started out bad but then the audience realized it was okay to laugh at jokes making fun of myself, and things got a lot better. Surprisingly I got some really loud laughs, I was also happy after the show when a lot of people told me I was really funny and a few said I got the loudest laughs of the night… I didn’t really notice I was too busy trying not to pass out while I was up there because I was scared shitless! Even the guy organizing the show said I was doing a good five minutes, did I mention my set was seven minutes long. Apparently I had Pauly Shore or Dane Cook my way through the last two minutes. Meaning I came out of nowhere, started out hot and funny, and faded away in obscurity just as fast! In my defense I’m only used to doing five minutes at open mics or bringer shows. You know bringer shows that I fucking hate, but I have to do to get stage time over here… not only do you not get paid for these shows, and spend money on food, drinks, and gas, but you have to convince four or five of your relatives or friends to spend between $10-20 a ticket to see you perform with half the other people performing telling fart jokes and talking about their bowel movements. Yeah sometimes it’s as bad as it sounds, and I know I’m risking the comedy world, especially the CT social media comedy world internet hate me again by allowing you to peek behind the curtain and read this, but oh well I’m not insulting people directly this time so fuck it whatever. What happens happens!

 

Glorious

No I won't give in, I won't give in, 'til I'm victorious.. if you don't get this you probably aren't a wrestling fan. Therefore kill yourself (just kidding please don't) but I'm not sure why you are reading my blog still. Surprisingly this entry has nothing to do with wrestling right now!

Let me start off by saying these are my opinions, and this is not meant to piss anyone but bitch face off. I had a comedy show I performed at on Monday in New Haven at Trinity Bar, you know whats sad? I've only been doing comedy for seven months, and I know I'm sounding conceited but out of the ten contestants, myself included and the four hopefully paid acts that were there, I feel as though I was in the top three out of all of them. Know whats even sadder the top two contestants won money, and I was not one of them. Saddest part is I'm going back on April 24th. Oh the things I will do to try and win $25 or $50. In my defense, if I make it to the final show on May 1st I can win up to $500. Not that I will. Because how do I beat a guy singing a A Capella version of the National Anthem? The guys that run it are awesome, and so are the judges for the most part. The problem is after it goes on, and everyone gets drunker and drunker. The show rolls on forever. The first one I did was three hours. The one I did on Monday was four. So on the 24th, I will probably be out until 1 am. Truthfully, only two of the contestants performing on Monday were awful, and I mean AWFUL! I have done a ton of open mics with first time performing comedians, and I preformed in front of crowds of tens of people, but these were the two worst acts I have ever saw! I don't even know if I would call them performances. It might be insulting to others. Lets just call them train wrecks.

I'm fully going to take the wrath if people get mad at me for this, and I hope it doesn't effect any future performances I have. But first up of the train wrecks was Mary Cassella. The Choice New Haven was a singing/ comedy showcase. Not gonna lie i was excited to see Mary perform at first, because she looks like Avril Lavegne, who i oddly find attractive, and she looks like she would be a good singer, nah fuck all that, shes just really hot! As you can tell by this picture...
 


Unfortunately looks is all there was to this performance. First of all I don't know how drunk or what drugs she was on, but if she ever sees this I highly recommend you stop immediately! I creep your Instagram, and you were smoking hot and a model, and now you live in Bridgeport, carry around a skateboard everywhere you go, and your guitar player/ possible boyfriend looks like Zelda, so I don't think things are looking good for you these days. She started by telling jokes that weren't funny and made no sense, before she went into an original song, that she forgot the words to and was so fucked up she kept dropping the papers that the words were written on. So I couldn't remember what she was saying, but she kept saying the lyrics over and over again about twenty times at least! As one of the judges put it everyone who performs gets a five just for coming, so that judge gave her a five! To put it in better perspective, I got four 9's from the judges. Also when the judges were giving her her scores, she yelled angel dust is a hell of a drug, sadly I don't think she was kidding.
 

After that disaster, I thought it couldn't get any worse. But oh it did! I already knew we were in trouble when the host said it was this guy's first ever performance. Plus look at this picture they used for him...
 


John Mayer is a douche, so maybe David is related to him. I mean they both are from Connecticut! This guy went up there so drunk he could barely walk or talk, then o top it off he too of course forgot all of his jokes. So he literally kept telling the same three jokes for 90% of his act. One joke was about gay sex, one was about waking up with a condom hanging out his ass, and the third one was about there being different kinds of rape. Hilarious shit in 2017. Yup, it sounds as retarded as it was. I tried to be supportive and not share my opinion while people are performing, because i haven't been performing that long and I don't want to be heckled either. Yeah, but this fucker deserved it. I couldn't help it, his three jokes weren't funny, and were boarder line offensive. After he decided to tell the judges that he used the same hand that he used to shake theirs, to jerk off right before the show, I had enough! I don't know if anyone heard or understood me, but I yelled as loud as I could, YOU SUCK I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING RAPED LISTENING TO THIS! After he got his awful scores, he told the female judge, oh you, you must have gave me a bad score because you are a rape baby! Yeah dude funny shit, I hope someone kicked your ass in the parking lot on the way out! You are to comedy what John Mayer is to music.

Today has been a train wreck almost as bad as those two performances were! I was awoken around 12:45 PM to my cat frantically meowing and trying to get into my room. At first he was being a fat jerk or so I thought, but i think he knew I was in trouble! Fast forward to 1:00PM and my mom comes storming in the house to tell me I've been home alone sleeping for who knows how long by myself! The overnight girl left at 7AM and the next girl was coming in from 7-10AM. I thought the ex wife was coming in at 10AM, but of course she texted me at 3Am to tell me she didn't feel good. However in her defense, she told the girl who was here from 7-10 am that, and that girl made it sound like she would stay until 5PM when the next person was coming in. This all happened after no one showed up for the Tuesday overnight shift, the ex wife told me she would work today from 10AM to 9PM, so I told the 5-9 girl not to come, and then she tells me at 3AM I can only stay until 5PM, and then doesn't even show up at 10AM. Yeah so my mom and I were a little pissed off! Why the girl that was here from 7-10AM thought it was okay to leave someone who is psychically unable to get himself up, dressed, and into his wheelchair sleeping in bed with his C-PAP Mask on by himself, when she has no idea what time the next person was coming in, I had no idea! As it is I never showered today, so this poor girl writing this could smell my horrible smell the whole time I'm writing this haha! At least two of the other girls that work for me realized I was sleeping at home alone and called my mom. Yeah I know I talk a lot of shit about them on here, but they're not all bad. and they do care about me. There's only a few that actually do suck. Did i mention she came back around 1:15 for some reason. Special shout out to my mom for screaming at her in front of the whole neighborhood. I didn't know my mom had it in her. I haven't seen her that mad since she threw a chair at my dad's car when i was a kid. Of course to top it off the ex wife came in at 1:30 and originally told my mom she would stay til 9 when the overnight girl got here... but the ex wife's not happy unless shes stressing me out and causing problems. First she said she could stay til 9 because she didn't feel good, then it was because she had to pack for a trip that shes not leaving for for another week, and of course she tells me this right after my mom leaves. Well after that I'm sure as hell not telling my mom nobody will be here again for two hours. So at the last minute I actually get one of the other girls to agree to work 7-9.. or so i thought haha. Robert plans and people laugh! Of course she had no problem showing up at 5 to pick up her check, and immediately accused me of not paying her properly when her other check doesn't even come until tomorrow. No wonder she used to be friends with bitch face!Oh and did I mention she was the one who didn't show up for the overnight on Tuesday. She told me she would be here 7-9 but of course backed out at 6:30 even though she had been here to pick up her check. Luckily the ex wife stayed until 7:30, and my friend hung out with me from 8-9 when the the overnight girl got here.. holy fuck, someone showed up, and on time!

Hi bitch face, and a special shout out to your friends and family who used to send me all those lovely text messages and the cops showed up so you bitched out. Too bad I was looking forward to seeing your fat ass arrested/deported! I can hear you now OH MY GOODNESS... WHY U SO OBSESSED WIT ME.. oh honey no, I don't have a thing for a girl that looks like they're Ronald McDonald's daughter, who did too many drugs so their bastard child came out retarded and all you have to look forward to is smoking weed, sleeping, collecting SSI, and living in your section 8 house until the government kicks you out.

Here's a small clip from my performance Monday.

Upcoming shows;
Tomorrow at Cabot Comedy Club @ 10 pm in Mass, tickets are $10 and could be purchased online or at the door.
4/18- Dantes Restaurant and Bar in Stratford, CT is free to go. Just got to buy food/drink. The more people who show up for me, the better chance I have of winning.
4/24- The Choice New Haven at 8PM at Trinity Bar. If you cant make it, at least like my photo by following the choice new haven all one word on Instagram and clicking like on my photo. The more votes I have the better chance I have of winning.Free to go!
5/1- If I make it that is the night of the Choice Finals. Read the book for all the details.
5/2- Dangerfield Comedy Club in NYC @8PM. Tickets are $15. Purchase them at the door.
I also know I have two shows at Comix Mohegan Sun on two Thursdays in May at 10PM. Tickets start at $10. Could be purchased online on the Comix website.

I'm sexy and I know it. I also framed copies of this photo, and will sell them for $10 plus an official Robert Held stamp autograph

Orlando

I can't remember the last time I wrote in here, or even what I wrote about. So if I'm repeating myself too fucking bad... don't read this... I'm pretty sure most people by now have stopped cause I said or wrote something that offended them. Here is a video of my last performance at Comix Mohegan Sun from Thursday Dec 15th. Watch it or you won't get the next paragraph.

Hopefully you heard me mention the fact that one of my workers threatened to leave me on the side of the road in New Haven. Okay it wasn't exactly New Haven, it was the ghetto part of Hamden, but you know the part that's near New Haven right by Walmart. Okay and it wasn't exactly the side of the road, it was in my van by myself on some side street near the ghetto part of New Haven. But still, fuck her... what do you think is going to happen when you threaten to leave me on the side of a road... you already know I'm such an ass that I'll say go ahead! Which I did, because even if your roommate does come pick you up and you do leave me there how do you think that's going to look for you? Like oh hey Roberts Mom or Hamden police, I left your son/my boss in a minivan on the side of the road in the ghetto.... oh and did I mention he's in a wheelchair and can't take care of himself? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wasn't going to end well for you. Not saying I didn't deserve it, I mean I did tell her she was such a piece of shit that God didn't want her to have a baby! But if you knew the ex wife like I did you would have said it too. All I was asking her to do was call another worker to come in for 9 when it was already 7:30 because of course the ex wife was driving me nuts, and of course she refused for whatever reason and things just escalated from there. This is the same bitch who threatens my mom and me saying that she will sue because of all these bullshit reasons acting like I said I wouldn't pay her... um no. I said my mom will pay you for overnight hours you obviously already worked, but if you keep acting like a psycho, she is not going to want you in her house or to pay you out of her own pocket in the future.  And then you will only be able to work through the state agency that pays my workers during the day. The best part is, you wonder why my family and everyone else that works for me fucking hates you? Um I don't know maybe because you called out 3 times last week. And the one time you did show up you threatened to leave me on the side of the road? Oh and it's fine for the other girls to work all your shifts and for you to talk shit about them but god forbid you cover any of their shifts when they're out. At first I was convinced I was as crazy as her, but I'm finally breaking out of the psycho spell and actively looking for someone to replace her. I can't deal with this toxicity in my life any more. It's fine, she will never read this because she has me blocked on all social media because she still thinks I give a flying fuck about anything she posts or any guy/girl that hits on her on their. Nopeee you can have her and deal with that human cancer/ psycho bullshit. I'm done with it. I think after the whole I'm pregnant with another man's child, I stopped trying and giving a flying fuck about anything you do. Yet you still try to cry to me and tell me how poor you are when you need something. All I have to say is FUCK OFF. I found someone else to help if I want to, and they are a lot more appreciative then you'll ever be.

The good news is I'm finally getting my hairy crippled ass to Florida particularly Orlando... why? Because I'm going to Disney World Mom! Nah, fuck that (well I might go for a day). But I'm really going so I can see WrestleMania 33 in Orlando on April 2nd. I'm going April 1-6 and staying in some fancy pants resort. Why? Because when your in as much debt as I am you get to a point where you just say fuck it. Plus I wanted to cross going to Florida and Wrestlemania off my bucket list. Awkward turtle just wrote fucket list instead of bucket list, I was tempted just to leave it. Yup, she's like herpes, every time I try to get rid of her she just comes back. Just kidding the fucked up part is I made her type that. Anyway, I'm going there with the new wife and the new mom... so it should actually be fun and drama free. Of course just like in Vegas the third person that was suppose to go dropped out. Hopefully I can find someone to replace her by then... if not I may be hiring a hooker off the streets of Orlando, then I won't have to pay for their flight! Just kidding, I can probably survive with just two people but I don't really want to risk it.


But yeah, I'm on a roll lately with workers. The ex wife is threatening to leave me on the side of the road and I'm probably replacing her, gimpy blocked me on all social media and my phone number, guess she doesn't like jokes about me being her drug supplier, and the girl that dropped out of Orlando I'm pretty sure just pretended to ask for time off at her other job and then lied and said she couldn't get it just because she was mad at me. Either that she really did but her boss did say no because I know with this job she only comes once a week and calls out at least once a month. Yeah, if you called out that often and worked full time for me I wouldn't give you 5 days off either. Especially when you've been to Florida like 3 times in the last year. I used to not understand why she didn't work for me more when I actually pay better, but the new wife and the new mom help me figure it out the other night. When you work in a group home you have like at least 5 other people working with you and all you really have to do is make sure your clients don't die, literally! Here at my house, ya know sometimes you actually have to do work. Is it a coincidence that the last few times you called out were the same Tuesday nights that I had to actually do something? I highly doubt it! Maybe she's taking pointers from the ex wife on how to have a job but do as little work as possible without getting fired. I mean I did offer to ride all the way with her to Boston to pick up her mom from the airport and of course, just like the ex wife she came up with an excuse why that wouldn't work either! And then she got mad because I said her and her boyfriend deserve each other. Well they kind of do, I mean, lazy potheads who want to sit on the couch all day and do nothing but sleep, eat, work, watch tv, and play video games. Yeah, you too are a match made in heaven! The best part was she started threatening to tell my workers what I say about them... um hello have you read this blog? Anything I've written on here I have already said to their face or they have read it on here. If you hate your boyfriend that much then why are you with him? Or at least be smart enough not to bitch about it to me because you know I'm going to make a joke about it when you piss me off. Some people never learn! 

Quick Gimpy story about why she blocked me on everything. As you know, Gimpy lost half a foot slamming a go kart into the back of a van. Shit you not, look it up on the interwebs. Because of this, she's had a lot of surgeries on said foot, and I actually do feel bad about that. That being said, a couple weeks ago the new wife wasn't sure if she could work one of her shifts, luckily she ended up being able to. But, in the meantime I asked Gimpy if she could work the shift instead. She said she would have but she couldn't walk from her latest surgery. When I called bullshit on that, she went crazy on me and started swearing at me, classy thing to do for somebody that pays you. Yes, I know I'm an asshole but she was full of shit. Quite literally, she always talks to me about how she can't poop.  Stop popping pain pills and Molly, it might go along way. But anyway I knew she could walk because she was drunk texting me 3 days before asking me to drive all the way from Cheshire to East Hartford and then drop her off in Hamden to have a drunken hookup with some gross guy that looks like a pedophile.  If you're able to go to the bar and ask your boss to bring you on a drunken hookup (not awkward at all) then I'm pretty sure your capable of working. But fuck I wouldn't work either if my family owned a house with a three car garage and had houses in several foreign countries and paid for everything even though I don't work. I mean yeah I try to do that, but my mom cut me off a long time ago and I'm pretty sure we don't have spare houses in foreign countries or a three car garage. But hey this is the same chick that asked me to score her Molly and wasn't joking. So I guess it's my own fault for hiring all these winners. I imagine this is what she wanted me to find.


Finally, here are some of my upcoming shows.

12/29/16 - Comix Mohegan Sun at 10pm
Tickets are $10 purchase here 

1/17/17 Dante's Restaurant in Stratford at 8pm

1/19/17  Comix Mohegan Sun at 10pm
Tickets $10 purchase here

1/26/17   location TBA New London CT Roast Battle. I'm competing against 8 other comedians and if I win I get $100 so you fuckers better show up because the more support I have the more likely I am to win.
*WARNING: DO NOT ATTEND IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED. I will be saying very fucked up things about the other people in the competition and they will be saying fucked up things right back at me. So for those of you that want to see me get ripped a new asshole this is perfect for you!*

Weird Fucking Week

Yeah, I know I haven't written in depth since Trump became president, or should I say president-elect... there is still time to assassinate him people. C'mon where is ISIS when you need 'em. For anyone who takes this seriously: learn what a fucking joke is. I wouldn't want Pence to be president anyway, he wants to take us back to the 1950's. Unless I can get a two-for-one special on my assassination attempts, now that the secret service is going to come kick my door in.. onto my crazy week!

Last week was Awkward Turtle's last week coming on a regular basis, and boy did she make sure I'd remember it! First there was Monday. When I was supposed to go with her, a fellow crip friend, and the New Wife who is taking her place to see Jake "The Snake" Roberts, at the Hartford Funnybone. Keywords in that last sentence, "supposed to". Yeah, I know what you're thinking..how funny can a former wrestler/drug addict be anyways, but whatever I got 4 tickets for $20 bucks, and I guess I'll never know, because I'm guessing even if he wants to come back and perform....or they want him to come back to perform... like most wrestlers from my childhood, he will probably die of a drug overdose before that happens.This is a picture clearly of him cracked out!

 Why did I never get there? Because my piece of shit van, that everyone insists is fine, despite the horrible rattling noises it makes, and currently the low tire pressure light is on for the 8,000th time in the last 6 months. Oh yeah, and the ramp and ramp door shit the bed so bad last month that it wouldn't even open, but yeah it totally runs fine! Also, it needs an oil change if any of you assholes wanna do it that read this. But yeah when we went to pick my friend up, the sliding door on the drivers side decided to come off its track and jam so it wouldn't shut, and despite Awkward Turtle and the New Wife's best efforts, they couldn't get it to shut. Did I mention it was about 45 degrees out, and I was in Durham, which is nowhere near where I live. Of course Awkward Turtle just stared at me not knowing what to do. So First, I had her try calling Triple A.... did I mention she couldn't find my AAA card even though it was right there in my wallet the whole fucking time? So then we had to call my mom to ask where it was, and as she politely screamed at Awkward Turtle on the phone, "IT SHOULD BE IN HIS WALLET AND THEY CAN'T HELP YOU ANYWAY". Turns out she was right! Apparently AAA can only legally help you by towing you or changing a tire. So yeah.... FUCK you AAA, not sure why we even have you! And even when I had Awkward Turtle ask the bitch on the phone, if they could help us anyway because two disabled men were stranded in the vehicle, she basically told us to go fuck ourselves and call 911. I shit you not, 911. And then she wondered why when I got on the phone with her and she asked how I was doing I said pissed off, how about yourself? Apparently she was having a great night, for those who might be wondering. So yeah, I really didn't wanna call 911 to tell them the door was stuck because I thought we would end up on that show on TLC about the dumbest 911 calls...so I told Awkward Turtle to call the Durham Police non-emergency line. But I made one mistake... when she was looking it up, I didn't specify Durham CT, and of course her dumb ass can't do anything without me saying it. I will say in her defense, I should have fucking known something was wrong when my crip friend said that Durham CT doesn't have it's own Police Dept, they use the State Police. But yeah, 10 minutes later a cop calls saying he can't find us, and after a five minutes conversation him and Awkward Turtle realized it's because she called the police in Durham fucking New Hampshire. So that was a waste of 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back, and at that point, I said obviously your too fucking dumb too do anything else, just call 911. Asshole, you bet I am! Finally a cop came and after playing around with the door for awhile somehow he got it back on track and closed. After that, I just wanted to go home, before he had to arrest me for killing someone, especially after my crip friend said"Oh Yeah, I thought that was the problem the whole time!" REally dude?!?! If that was the case why didn't you fucking tell us that 45 minutes ago so we could've fixed without calling Durham fucking NH and 911!

That was Monday, then on Wednesday, the Ex Wife decided to be a hemorrhoid on my hairy crippled asshole (you are welcome for that lovely description). Most people want to take in homeless animals.. I pick the bitch who wants to take in homeless fucking PEOPLE! And after you royally fucked me over, you really expect me to help you bring a homeless guy you met in the Burger King parking lot in Bristol to my house in one of the snobbiest towns in the fucking state?! Have you ever met my mother?!? Or any other women in this town? They are literally thee most judgemental fucking people in the entire world. My mom doesn't even want ME living in her house (well deserved), let alone a homeless man you met in the Burger King parking lot in Bristol. You do know Aaron Hernandez grew up in Bristol right? Just because you meet your customers there (yes that was drug dealer and prostitution joke), doesn't mean I have to be involved. Apparently, it was okay though because his story checked out on Facebook! Last year people thought I was Lip Gallagher from Shameless on Facebook and Twitter, uhhh so yeah, it's not hard to fool people on social media. Even though she adamantly states that we were never officially together, and I have no right to be mad over her getting pregnant by another dude.... by the way he supposed works at Yale New Haven Hospital, but who knows the Ex Wife lies about everything. And even if she isn't lying, he probably scrubs toilets there as part of his prison release program at best. Whatever, dude deserves it. Supposedly he said to kill it when he found out, and then magically re-appeared in her life when she lost it and wants back in....ya I might be a cripple asshole that blows up every bodys shit in this blog but I still bought that baby food, clothes, and a lot of other shit that his "father" never did. And even after you lost the baby, I didn't ask for any of that stuff back, even though I am as poor as you are, because I told you to sell it and keep the money for yourself. But yeah, go back to him, you two probably deserve each other. Despite all this, you got awfully butthurt when I finally stood up to you and said "No you can't sneak a homeless guy into my house tonight, or keep him here while your working tomorrow". You live in your own apartment, take him there! Your crazy ass roommate is so far up your ass she will agree to anything you say. Like the fact that Michelle Obama apparently worked for ABC News back in 2001, and despite the Ex Wife she was a fucking moron for thinking this, her roommate still said, oh it could be possible....Yep, these are the fucking idiots I deal with! And then you got scared when you said you might be late to work the next day because you were scared to have him stay overnight in your apartment, and wouldn't be sleeping well....uhhhhh doesn't that tell you right there this was a horrible idea?! This is how horror movies start! EVen though I kept saying this is no longer my problem anymore because I  have a new (better) Wife, and I'm no longer getting involved in your bullshit. You still had the tits to say "but yeah what do I do Robert". What part of not my fucking problem anymore don't you understand? Sorry I dont want to help shitty people who constantly do shitty things to me, who threaten not to show up to work, quit, or get a new job every time they are mad at me. You don't want me in your life like that yet you get mad when I try to put distance between us? And oh yeah, move on with someone else. Karma's a bitch, BITCH!

Gimpy didn't even work last week, but maybe since it was her friend Awkward Turtle's last week, she wanted to make it memorable... Either that or shes mad that I don't write about her in my blog as much as I used too. First, she kept asking me for advice on how to be a hoe. Not sure what she thinks I do with my life that I can teach her how to be a hoe, and last time I checked I don't have a vagina. Yeah, um... I'm a man hoe, there's a big difference. Then it got better, at first I thought she was kidding but she kept asking me if I could get her molly from another girl that works for me who goes to a lot of raves. She tried to play it off like she wanted it for the new dude shes trying to fuck...ya know the same one she wants to learn how to be a whore for! This guy works as a nurse at Yale New Haven hospital...between this dude and the ex wife's baby daddy I'm never going to that hospital again! I don't even know why Gimpy wants this dude he looks like a rapist / pedophile. Also, there's this awful picture of him wearing a bow tie, with no shirt, holding a puppy for some stupid calendar that she decided to show me for some fucking reason and now I can't get the awful image out of my head.This isn't the exact photo, but its pretty close complete with douche man bun.

 But it gets better.. the drugs that she was bothering me to try to get her for 2 fucking days wasn't even for him it was for Gimpy and Awkward Turtle! First of all you're asking your boss to ask another one of his employees to score you drugs, and second I have known the 2 of you for a year and a half and the other worker for 3 years you don't think she was going to tell me about this. Plus, aren't you kind of a shitty friend for throwing Awkward Turtle under the bus for something she was involved in without my knowledge and the best part is you're still trying to lie about it..oh yeah i just wanted to ask her about how to be a hoe and going to raves.. really that's why you said you wanted her number from me so you ask someone you barely know how to be a hoe because that's not offensive! Plus, when you have been asking me to have her try and get you molly for 2 straight days and then text her, "hey so and so, this is Gimpy, Awkward Turtle and I have a question for you"..What the FUCK else would you be asking about..you really thought the best route was to ask your boss..the 2 of you are from Berlin, where I'm pretty sure someone dies there of an overdose daily and you don't know any drug dealers I know for a fact that the brother of the guy that the Creepy Canadian goes out with is a huge druggy and could probably get you whichever drugs. Especially, since you went to high school with him, why did you think coming to me was your best option? Better yet why did you think to come to me at all? I'll never be the crippled version of Walter White no matter how bad I need money because if I got caught for dealing do you know how much I would be ass raped in jail!? With that lovely thought have a great night everyone.

This is what I imagined The crippled Walter White drug dealer version of me to look like...

This is a picture of Yale New Haven Hospital so you know where to NEVER go in case of an emergency after the lovely stories I just wrote about