Orlando

I can't remember the last time I wrote in here, or even what I wrote about. So if I'm repeating myself too fucking bad... don't read this... I'm pretty sure most people by now have stopped cause I said or wrote something that offended them. Here is a video of my last performance at Comix Mohegan Sun from Thursday Dec 15th. Watch it or you won't get the next paragraph.

Hopefully you heard me mention the fact that one of my workers threatened to leave me on the side of the road in New Haven. Okay it wasn't exactly New Haven, it was the ghetto part of Hamden, but you know the part that's near New Haven right by Walmart. Okay and it wasn't exactly the side of the road, it was in my van by myself on some side street near the ghetto part of New Haven. But still, fuck her... what do you think is going to happen when you threaten to leave me on the side of a road... you already know I'm such an ass that I'll say go ahead! Which I did, because even if your roommate does come pick you up and you do leave me there how do you think that's going to look for you? Like oh hey Roberts Mom or Hamden police, I left your son/my boss in a minivan on the side of the road in the ghetto.... oh and did I mention he's in a wheelchair and can't take care of himself? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wasn't going to end well for you. Not saying I didn't deserve it, I mean I did tell her she was such a piece of shit that God didn't want her to have a baby! But if you knew the ex wife like I did you would have said it too. All I was asking her to do was call another worker to come in for 9 when it was already 7:30 because of course the ex wife was driving me nuts, and of course she refused for whatever reason and things just escalated from there. This is the same bitch who threatens my mom and me saying that she will sue because of all these bullshit reasons acting like I said I wouldn't pay her... um no. I said my mom will pay you for overnight hours you obviously already worked, but if you keep acting like a psycho, she is not going to want you in her house or to pay you out of her own pocket in the future.  And then you will only be able to work through the state agency that pays my workers during the day. The best part is, you wonder why my family and everyone else that works for me fucking hates you? Um I don't know maybe because you called out 3 times last week. And the one time you did show up you threatened to leave me on the side of the road? Oh and it's fine for the other girls to work all your shifts and for you to talk shit about them but god forbid you cover any of their shifts when they're out. At first I was convinced I was as crazy as her, but I'm finally breaking out of the psycho spell and actively looking for someone to replace her. I can't deal with this toxicity in my life any more. It's fine, she will never read this because she has me blocked on all social media because she still thinks I give a flying fuck about anything she posts or any guy/girl that hits on her on their. Nopeee you can have her and deal with that human cancer/ psycho bullshit. I'm done with it. I think after the whole I'm pregnant with another man's child, I stopped trying and giving a flying fuck about anything you do. Yet you still try to cry to me and tell me how poor you are when you need something. All I have to say is FUCK OFF. I found someone else to help if I want to, and they are a lot more appreciative then you'll ever be.

The good news is I'm finally getting my hairy crippled ass to Florida particularly Orlando... why? Because I'm going to Disney World Mom! Nah, fuck that (well I might go for a day). But I'm really going so I can see WrestleMania 33 in Orlando on April 2nd. I'm going April 1-6 and staying in some fancy pants resort. Why? Because when your in as much debt as I am you get to a point where you just say fuck it. Plus I wanted to cross going to Florida and Wrestlemania off my bucket list. Awkward turtle just wrote fucket list instead of bucket list, I was tempted just to leave it. Yup, she's like herpes, every time I try to get rid of her she just comes back. Just kidding the fucked up part is I made her type that. Anyway, I'm going there with the new wife and the new mom... so it should actually be fun and drama free. Of course just like in Vegas the third person that was suppose to go dropped out. Hopefully I can find someone to replace her by then... if not I may be hiring a hooker off the streets of Orlando, then I won't have to pay for their flight! Just kidding, I can probably survive with just two people but I don't really want to risk it.


But yeah, I'm on a roll lately with workers. The ex wife is threatening to leave me on the side of the road and I'm probably replacing her, gimpy blocked me on all social media and my phone number, guess she doesn't like jokes about me being her drug supplier, and the girl that dropped out of Orlando I'm pretty sure just pretended to ask for time off at her other job and then lied and said she couldn't get it just because she was mad at me. Either that she really did but her boss did say no because I know with this job she only comes once a week and calls out at least once a month. Yeah, if you called out that often and worked full time for me I wouldn't give you 5 days off either. Especially when you've been to Florida like 3 times in the last year. I used to not understand why she didn't work for me more when I actually pay better, but the new wife and the new mom help me figure it out the other night. When you work in a group home you have like at least 5 other people working with you and all you really have to do is make sure your clients don't die, literally! Here at my house, ya know sometimes you actually have to do work. Is it a coincidence that the last few times you called out were the same Tuesday nights that I had to actually do something? I highly doubt it! Maybe she's taking pointers from the ex wife on how to have a job but do as little work as possible without getting fired. I mean I did offer to ride all the way with her to Boston to pick up her mom from the airport and of course, just like the ex wife she came up with an excuse why that wouldn't work either! And then she got mad because I said her and her boyfriend deserve each other. Well they kind of do, I mean, lazy potheads who want to sit on the couch all day and do nothing but sleep, eat, work, watch tv, and play video games. Yeah, you too are a match made in heaven! The best part was she started threatening to tell my workers what I say about them... um hello have you read this blog? Anything I've written on here I have already said to their face or they have read it on here. If you hate your boyfriend that much then why are you with him? Or at least be smart enough not to bitch about it to me because you know I'm going to make a joke about it when you piss me off. Some people never learn! 

Quick Gimpy story about why she blocked me on everything. As you know, Gimpy lost half a foot slamming a go kart into the back of a van. Shit you not, look it up on the interwebs. Because of this, she's had a lot of surgeries on said foot, and I actually do feel bad about that. That being said, a couple weeks ago the new wife wasn't sure if she could work one of her shifts, luckily she ended up being able to. But, in the meantime I asked Gimpy if she could work the shift instead. She said she would have but she couldn't walk from her latest surgery. When I called bullshit on that, she went crazy on me and started swearing at me, classy thing to do for somebody that pays you. Yes, I know I'm an asshole but she was full of shit. Quite literally, she always talks to me about how she can't poop.  Stop popping pain pills and Molly, it might go along way. But anyway I knew she could walk because she was drunk texting me 3 days before asking me to drive all the way from Cheshire to East Hartford and then drop her off in Hamden to have a drunken hookup with some gross guy that looks like a pedophile.  If you're able to go to the bar and ask your boss to bring you on a drunken hookup (not awkward at all) then I'm pretty sure your capable of working. But fuck I wouldn't work either if my family owned a house with a three car garage and had houses in several foreign countries and paid for everything even though I don't work. I mean yeah I try to do that, but my mom cut me off a long time ago and I'm pretty sure we don't have spare houses in foreign countries or a three car garage. But hey this is the same chick that asked me to score her Molly and wasn't joking. So I guess it's my own fault for hiring all these winners. I imagine this is what she wanted me to find.


Finally, here are some of my upcoming shows.

12/29/16 - Comix Mohegan Sun at 10pm
Tickets are $10 purchase here 

1/17/17 Dante's Restaurant in Stratford at 8pm

1/19/17  Comix Mohegan Sun at 10pm
Tickets $10 purchase here

1/26/17   location TBA New London CT Roast Battle. I'm competing against 8 other comedians and if I win I get $100 so you fuckers better show up because the more support I have the more likely I am to win.
*WARNING: DO NOT ATTEND IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED. I will be saying very fucked up things about the other people in the competition and they will be saying fucked up things right back at me. So for those of you that want to see me get ripped a new asshole this is perfect for you!*

Weird Fucking Week

Yeah, I know I haven't written in depth since Trump became president, or should I say president-elect... there is still time to assassinate him people. C'mon where is ISIS when you need 'em. For anyone who takes this seriously: learn what a fucking joke is. I wouldn't want Pence to be president anyway, he wants to take us back to the 1950's. Unless I can get a two-for-one special on my assassination attempts, now that the secret service is going to come kick my door in.. onto my crazy week!

Last week was Awkward Turtle's last week coming on a regular basis, and boy did she make sure I'd remember it! First there was Monday. When I was supposed to go with her, a fellow crip friend, and the New Wife who is taking her place to see Jake "The Snake" Roberts, at the Hartford Funnybone. Keywords in that last sentence, "supposed to". Yeah, I know what you're thinking..how funny can a former wrestler/drug addict be anyways, but whatever I got 4 tickets for $20 bucks, and I guess I'll never know, because I'm guessing even if he wants to come back and perform....or they want him to come back to perform... like most wrestlers from my childhood, he will probably die of a drug overdose before that happens.This is a picture clearly of him cracked out!

 Why did I never get there? Because my piece of shit van, that everyone insists is fine, despite the horrible rattling noises it makes, and currently the low tire pressure light is on for the 8,000th time in the last 6 months. Oh yeah, and the ramp and ramp door shit the bed so bad last month that it wouldn't even open, but yeah it totally runs fine! Also, it needs an oil change if any of you assholes wanna do it that read this. But yeah when we went to pick my friend up, the sliding door on the drivers side decided to come off its track and jam so it wouldn't shut, and despite Awkward Turtle and the New Wife's best efforts, they couldn't get it to shut. Did I mention it was about 45 degrees out, and I was in Durham, which is nowhere near where I live. Of course Awkward Turtle just stared at me not knowing what to do. So First, I had her try calling Triple A.... did I mention she couldn't find my AAA card even though it was right there in my wallet the whole fucking time? So then we had to call my mom to ask where it was, and as she politely screamed at Awkward Turtle on the phone, "IT SHOULD BE IN HIS WALLET AND THEY CAN'T HELP YOU ANYWAY". Turns out she was right! Apparently AAA can only legally help you by towing you or changing a tire. So yeah.... FUCK you AAA, not sure why we even have you! And even when I had Awkward Turtle ask the bitch on the phone, if they could help us anyway because two disabled men were stranded in the vehicle, she basically told us to go fuck ourselves and call 911. I shit you not, 911. And then she wondered why when I got on the phone with her and she asked how I was doing I said pissed off, how about yourself? Apparently she was having a great night, for those who might be wondering. So yeah, I really didn't wanna call 911 to tell them the door was stuck because I thought we would end up on that show on TLC about the dumbest 911 calls...so I told Awkward Turtle to call the Durham Police non-emergency line. But I made one mistake... when she was looking it up, I didn't specify Durham CT, and of course her dumb ass can't do anything without me saying it. I will say in her defense, I should have fucking known something was wrong when my crip friend said that Durham CT doesn't have it's own Police Dept, they use the State Police. But yeah, 10 minutes later a cop calls saying he can't find us, and after a five minutes conversation him and Awkward Turtle realized it's because she called the police in Durham fucking New Hampshire. So that was a waste of 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back, and at that point, I said obviously your too fucking dumb too do anything else, just call 911. Asshole, you bet I am! Finally a cop came and after playing around with the door for awhile somehow he got it back on track and closed. After that, I just wanted to go home, before he had to arrest me for killing someone, especially after my crip friend said"Oh Yeah, I thought that was the problem the whole time!" REally dude?!?! If that was the case why didn't you fucking tell us that 45 minutes ago so we could've fixed without calling Durham fucking NH and 911!

That was Monday, then on Wednesday, the Ex Wife decided to be a hemorrhoid on my hairy crippled asshole (you are welcome for that lovely description). Most people want to take in homeless animals.. I pick the bitch who wants to take in homeless fucking PEOPLE! And after you royally fucked me over, you really expect me to help you bring a homeless guy you met in the Burger King parking lot in Bristol to my house in one of the snobbiest towns in the fucking state?! Have you ever met my mother?!? Or any other women in this town? They are literally thee most judgemental fucking people in the entire world. My mom doesn't even want ME living in her house (well deserved), let alone a homeless man you met in the Burger King parking lot in Bristol. You do know Aaron Hernandez grew up in Bristol right? Just because you meet your customers there (yes that was drug dealer and prostitution joke), doesn't mean I have to be involved. Apparently, it was okay though because his story checked out on Facebook! Last year people thought I was Lip Gallagher from Shameless on Facebook and Twitter, uhhh so yeah, it's not hard to fool people on social media. Even though she adamantly states that we were never officially together, and I have no right to be mad over her getting pregnant by another dude.... by the way he supposed works at Yale New Haven Hospital, but who knows the Ex Wife lies about everything. And even if she isn't lying, he probably scrubs toilets there as part of his prison release program at best. Whatever, dude deserves it. Supposedly he said to kill it when he found out, and then magically re-appeared in her life when she lost it and wants back in....ya I might be a cripple asshole that blows up every bodys shit in this blog but I still bought that baby food, clothes, and a lot of other shit that his "father" never did. And even after you lost the baby, I didn't ask for any of that stuff back, even though I am as poor as you are, because I told you to sell it and keep the money for yourself. But yeah, go back to him, you two probably deserve each other. Despite all this, you got awfully butthurt when I finally stood up to you and said "No you can't sneak a homeless guy into my house tonight, or keep him here while your working tomorrow". You live in your own apartment, take him there! Your crazy ass roommate is so far up your ass she will agree to anything you say. Like the fact that Michelle Obama apparently worked for ABC News back in 2001, and despite the Ex Wife she was a fucking moron for thinking this, her roommate still said, oh it could be possible....Yep, these are the fucking idiots I deal with! And then you got scared when you said you might be late to work the next day because you were scared to have him stay overnight in your apartment, and wouldn't be sleeping well....uhhhhh doesn't that tell you right there this was a horrible idea?! This is how horror movies start! EVen though I kept saying this is no longer my problem anymore because I  have a new (better) Wife, and I'm no longer getting involved in your bullshit. You still had the tits to say "but yeah what do I do Robert". What part of not my fucking problem anymore don't you understand? Sorry I dont want to help shitty people who constantly do shitty things to me, who threaten not to show up to work, quit, or get a new job every time they are mad at me. You don't want me in your life like that yet you get mad when I try to put distance between us? And oh yeah, move on with someone else. Karma's a bitch, BITCH!

Gimpy didn't even work last week, but maybe since it was her friend Awkward Turtle's last week, she wanted to make it memorable... Either that or shes mad that I don't write about her in my blog as much as I used too. First, she kept asking me for advice on how to be a hoe. Not sure what she thinks I do with my life that I can teach her how to be a hoe, and last time I checked I don't have a vagina. Yeah, um... I'm a man hoe, there's a big difference. Then it got better, at first I thought she was kidding but she kept asking me if I could get her molly from another girl that works for me who goes to a lot of raves. She tried to play it off like she wanted it for the new dude shes trying to fuck...ya know the same one she wants to learn how to be a whore for! This guy works as a nurse at Yale New Haven hospital...between this dude and the ex wife's baby daddy I'm never going to that hospital again! I don't even know why Gimpy wants this dude he looks like a rapist / pedophile. Also, there's this awful picture of him wearing a bow tie, with no shirt, holding a puppy for some stupid calendar that she decided to show me for some fucking reason and now I can't get the awful image out of my head.This isn't the exact photo, but its pretty close complete with douche man bun.

 But it gets better.. the drugs that she was bothering me to try to get her for 2 fucking days wasn't even for him it was for Gimpy and Awkward Turtle! First of all you're asking your boss to ask another one of his employees to score you drugs, and second I have known the 2 of you for a year and a half and the other worker for 3 years you don't think she was going to tell me about this. Plus, aren't you kind of a shitty friend for throwing Awkward Turtle under the bus for something she was involved in without my knowledge and the best part is you're still trying to lie about it..oh yeah i just wanted to ask her about how to be a hoe and going to raves.. really that's why you said you wanted her number from me so you ask someone you barely know how to be a hoe because that's not offensive! Plus, when you have been asking me to have her try and get you molly for 2 straight days and then text her, "hey so and so, this is Gimpy, Awkward Turtle and I have a question for you"..What the FUCK else would you be asking about..you really thought the best route was to ask your boss..the 2 of you are from Berlin, where I'm pretty sure someone dies there of an overdose daily and you don't know any drug dealers I know for a fact that the brother of the guy that the Creepy Canadian goes out with is a huge druggy and could probably get you whichever drugs. Especially, since you went to high school with him, why did you think coming to me was your best option? Better yet why did you think to come to me at all? I'll never be the crippled version of Walter White no matter how bad I need money because if I got caught for dealing do you know how much I would be ass raped in jail!? With that lovely thought have a great night everyone.

This is what I imagined The crippled Walter White drug dealer version of me to look like...

This is a picture of Yale New Haven Hospital so you know where to NEVER go in case of an emergency after the lovely stories I just wrote about