Breaking News! I'm Fat!

I know it's shocking to those of you that know me, but yes I'm aware that I'm fat, and no I don't give a fuck that I am. However, in case I forgot one of my workers decided to remind me of this yesterday. She came to my house last night saying that she had to wear three layers of clothing because it is apparently so cold in my house. When I told her, "that's weird I'm usually always freezing and I feel fine right now," she ever so politely reminded me "well don't forget you weigh a lot more than I do!" Uhhh I saw pictures of you last summer, I would have to say you were giving me a run for my money. Sooo, you might want to remember next time you say something like that because I'm probably such an asshole I will say this to your face. I haven't heard something this rude since Big Boobs McGee told the fat girl she was training "you might wanna move his wheelchair up because you're a  lot bigger than me," no wonder that girl never came back after that day. That and when she was getting me ready that day, she was so out of shape she almost passed out on us. For real, we had to get her a cup of water and have her sit down. But yeah, back to the current worker, that's what happens when your main priority in the world is too smoke pot, sleep, smoke more pot, sleep, bitch that shes not getting enough money from me, and smoke some more pot. Needless to say, this is one of the main reasons I cancelled my trip to Orlando... yeah I'm not getting on the plane with you carrying a pound of weed in your suitcase, or other holes on your body..What?! I watch Orange Is The New Black. Or as soon as we touch down in Orlando, having you call Paco the drug dealer so you can get your fix. I ain't fuckin' with Cuban drug dealers in Florida. And I know you will hit him up, because you can't go one day without smoking, never mind five. The best part is if you ever read this, (which I know you will not) you'll say "it's my personal business what I do outside of work!" Absolutely you're 100% right, but when your dumb enough to tell me all these things to my face, how can I not make jokes about this? Have you met me? I make fun of everybody's shit on here!\

Speaking of the geniuses that work for me... today I had to text one of my workers this lovely message.

Yes, I really had to send that, luckily for her sake she even realized how stupid that was. This is the same girl that asked me if Thursday night football was on tonight.  Um, first of all it's friday, second, since it's the NFL playoffs, Thursday night football hasn't been on in a month. The ironic part is I was telling her today about some of the past geniuses that have worked for me, like that girl who put my Thermos in the microwave, the one that hit the pole in the parking lot at Quinnipiac with the van, or the one who hit the pole in the parking lot of CVS, and how they all now work in the health care field. I told her if I ever saw one of those three people working in a Dr office or hospital, that I would wheel the other way as fast as possible. She laughed and agreed with me, sadly now I have to add her to this list.

Finally, I'm not one for conspiracy theories but last night there was a huge explosion in my neighborhood and the power went out right after for a minute. Luckily, it came right back on, but is it any coincidence that it's the same day Donald Trump became President? I think not!!! It was the world suddenly letting me know it's trying to end itself before he can fully take power. It is also ironic on the day of his inauguration, Jan 20th is considered International Day of Acceptance. The most bigoted, racist, sexist man I know becomes President on International Day of Acceptance, somewhere Abraham Lincoln, Harriet Tubman and Harvey Milk are all rolling over in their graves. Also, I finally watched Obama's farewell appearance on 60 minutes from last Sunday, and they showed in his oval office how he had a bust statue of MLK Jr's face and a map that showed one of the Underground Railroad's paths to freedom. Since every President gets to redecorate the White House when he takes office, I'm guessing that statue has been replaced with Hitler or Putin's face, and the map has been replaced with a map of a Japanese Internment Camp from WWII.

Yeah, we're all gonna die. But in case we don't come see me perform at Comix Mohegan Sun on January 26th, or February 9th. Tickets are only $10 you cheap bastards. Also performing in New Haven at 5pm on Feb 8th, if you really want to go ask for details but its a free show on Whaley Ave so you should go. I'm also probably gonna perform at that Hartford FunnyBone open mic on Feb 7th, not sure of the date and tooo fat and lazy too look it up but I think it Feb 7th. I'm also doing a show in Westerly, RI on Saturday March 4th, it's free and on a weekend so hopefully some people will drive far to support me. More details to come.

Please watch this video of Bob Saget's terrified reporter son getting trampled by DC Police with Trump Inauguration Protestors. I almost felt bad for the asshole until I realized he worked for Fox News! Click the link here.

While watching this video I awkwardly stumbled across Trump and his wife slow dancing to some awful song at the Armed Forces Inaurguration Ball. It was an nauseating as it sounds.