So the other day, I was watching me some Cops, like all classy people do, and I saw probably the best episode literally E V E R. And I've seen some real winners on that show, such as a ghetto 94 year old Georgia based Grandma who stabbed her 90 year old best friend/ roommate after a few drinks and heated discussion over how her son was a "punk". Or as I like to call it, the ex wife and her roommate 50 years from now. Also saw an episode when a lady's husband knocked her dentures out of her mouth, and had to call the cops because they fell on the roof and she couldn't find them. Then she was more concerned about showing her pet parrot to the cops instead of finding her dentures. Oh and did I mention her husband was wearing tighty whities and was about 80 years old and 300 lbs. So its probably hard to imagine that I found a better episode then that. But I did! See the cops were responding to a call about a man passed out in the bushes...and I don't know what drugs he was on but man do I want some.When the cops got there his first question to him was are you guys real? And then as they were trying to arrest him they started screaming PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME!! and he was also eating the grass on the ground in front of him. This guy was literally so fucked up that they didn't charge him just brought him to the psych hospital. I'm not sure what they're doing down there in Florida that this behavior was so normal that they didn't bother to arrest him for anything but man am I looking forward to going there in a few months!
watch the other funny moments here
https://youtu.be/lXiy406JAZg
Speaking of stupid people on drugs...ok they don't do drugs ...allegedly. Here is a good story about the ex wife and her roommate. See last weekend it snowed and even though we live in Connecticut every asshole in this fucking state craps their pants about driving once they see the first snowflake hit the ground. During the day that day the ex wife actually showed up to help me for once. While she was here she informed me that her roommate was waiting at a gas station in Bristol which is about 20 minutes from my house with good weather for the ex wife to come pick her up after she got out of work. I know this sounds normal but it was 2 pm and the ex wife doesn't get out of work on that day until 5 pm. So yea it sounds as retarded as it was! Dude her roommate works in Southington and lives in Plymouth which I know is 45 minutes away, but I don't care how bad your car is in the snow it's not worth waiting in the snow storm in some gas station for 4 hours for her to pick you up. Are you that lonely or hardcore of a lesbian that you have to wait 4 hours just to spend time with your roommate. I know she's your only friend but god damn, I don't even drive and I know that's retarded. But, whatever at least she came to work, the new mom used the first snow storm as an excuse to not work because she's originally from Florida. If you don't want to drive in the snow with your pick up truck perhaps you shouldn't have came to Connecticut. Due to all this crap I had to spend 15 hours with my mom by ourselves..surprisingly we survived without killing each other!
This is what I imagine it looked like by the time she got there
Today I accomplished something it's about time I learned to live on my own after 31 years...sure I have no way of getting out of the house or calling 911, but I survived 1 hour and 15 minutes on my own with nothing but Flappy, Miley, and Charles..those are my 3 cats. I now feel I'm certified in doomsday prepping, you can just call me survivor Bob...Of course this is all could have been prevented but everybody that works for me secretly want me to die so that they don't have to help me anymore. Cause ya know the creepy Canadian was filling in for hippie love child who only comes in when she feels like it cause even though I told the ex wife don't come for the day shift come for your usual 5-9 she still showed up anyways and refused to come back out of spite or as I call it she's a cunt! God forbid she pays her bill so her phones still on or her retarded roommate actually delivers a message without fucking it up...plus she still has me blocked on all social media because she thinks I'll get jealous of things she posts...bitch you got pregnant by a random dude there's literally nothing you can post that I give a flying fuck about anymore! But it makes her feel like she has power and control over me so whatever apparently next time I need to get her a message at the last second I need to show up personally to her door or send a telegraph or maybe use the pony express look it up millennials!
Finally, do you think that Ben Affleck should be a spokesman for Afflac insurance?Or maybe eminem should promote M&M's and I definitely think that Magic Johnson should work out a deal with Powerade! Somebody really dropped the ball on this...also, did you hear about lucky charms...apparently they're magically delicious, and Trix yeah they're just for kids! Donald Duck has apparently gone quackers and Miley Cyrus yeah she just being Miley! Hear those jokes and several more at my upcoming shows if they don't get cancelled!
No comments:
Post a Comment