Film Me Killing Myself, Stringr will pay $75

Yes, things I have actually said to my workers, and yes, things they have actually agreed with. Not fucked up at all, I swear. Also not fucked up at all to download the app yourself and try to sell videos, when it's one of the few legitimate ways my crippled ass has of making money. However, did this stop two of my workers from doing it anyways? OH NO, NO, NO! That weed and prescription painkillers ain't gonna pay for itself!


I'm getting old, and even more uncool than I ever was...okay, I was never cool, in fact I hated most of those kids I grew up with. Still do, but that's the irony of my life. I can't stand 95% of the worlds population. The funny part is, as I'm writing this it auto corrected to stab, which I'm okay with. But yes, I can't stand the majority of society, yet I'm dependent on them to take care of me.the irony of my life...anyway, back to my original point, to further prove how old and even more uncool I'm getting I recently saw a "friend" yes, I have friends, stop laughing, okay, just some unfortunate soul that works for me. But I don't wanna get too specific, because my mom reads this blog and will freak out when she reads about this story, so yeah, this person is on vacation in a state where the weed is legal, and she is visiting one of her hippy friends with her long hair,  baggy clothes,  and crazy dancing that works at a dispensary of the weed. Side note-I shit you not, she plays the bongos. So yeah, said "friend" and her hippy friend were on a party bus this past weekend passing joints among a big group of strangers. Instead of thinking, "Oh man, that looks like they're having a great time!" I was horrified thinking to myself, "Ew, I would never smoke something that's been in random, college-aged, stranger's mouths." Why? Because 75% of the population have an STD, and the majority aren't aware that they do. And that's just asking for a Petri dish of Herpes Simplex Virus.

Yeah, this will make me sound even more cool, sometimes I honestly think I'm the only person that doesn't abuse drugs, whether they're legal, illegal, or prescription. Granted, most of the winners that work for me are still in their 20's, so they make really intelligent life choices right now. What disturbs me more is that some of them, past and present workers, are my age or older, and they're still doing this. Ya know, like paying me to fill Xanax prescriptions and give it to them, stealing alcohol from my liquor cabinet, stealing expired pain killers from my mom's and my medicine cabinet. Did I mention some of these women are moms? Did I mention some of these women work in hospitals, doctor/surgeon's offices, schools, and various other medical fields? Are you disturbed yet?...because I am. Which goes back to my original point of why I hate 95% of society. Ya know, the Ex wife brought up a good point the other day, asking how I haven't died of a stroke or heart attack from stress. Truthfully, I don't know, because these are the disturbed thoughts that go through my mind every day. Yeah there was a time where I was happy, carefree, and trying to find the best in people. Then I turned 25, my Dad died, and I had to start hiring 24/7 help, and started seeing what the world was really like. 

 

 

Which leads me to this past Thursday. I knew it was going to be a good day when two of my workers were screaming at each other in my house like Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselback talking politics on The View...look it up assholes, it was 10 years ago, I'm not explaining it. Due to this, and the fact that I only had 3 tickets sold, I wasn't sure I should drive 90 minutes each way to the casino not knowing if I would be able to perform. However, Stoney Beroni sealed it for me when she told me she had to play video games and smoke pot on her couch with her boyfriend so she would not be there on time. Okay, she didn't say that, but I'm guessing that's what she was doing anyways, because I'm pretty sure that's all she does outside of work, besides thinking of reasons why she can never drive me anywhere, bitching about working third shift but not providing me the proper paperwork to work during the day because it's locked in her safe that she doesn't know the combination to...excessive pot smoking destroys your short term memory. Because of this I'm not worried, since her and the majority of people reading this won't remember it 5 minutes later anyways. Or my personal favorite, telling me at 6 p.m. that you won't be at work til 10 p.m, when you're supposed to come at 9 p.m., because it's okay for you to come early and stay late for your other job, but fuck Robert if he ever asks you to do the same thing, because you took that group home job first, dammit. America! Land of the free, home of the stupid! And those joints ain't gonna smoke themselves. 

 

So yes, this is what lead me to have the brilliant idea of trying to get 5 minutes of stage time, 90 minutes from my house, despite only having 2 guaranteed people showing up for me, even though I sold 4 tickets. Don't you know that Ryan Brauth is having a kid soon and besides putting Pat Oates' children though school, now I have to put his as well. Ya know the episode of Extreme Cheapskates that Pat Oates  ALWAYS talks about during his set, that he made $50 doing 5 years ago, isn't paying the bills quite like it used to. So apparently it's up to my 4 maxed out credit cards, and alcoholic/drug addicted workers to line the pockets of "Better" comedians in Connecticut. Since I'm already sounding like a bitter douche...what else is new. But seriously, there was probably 100 people at the 10 p.m. show at the comedy club in Mohegan on Thursday, and yes I sold 4 tickets but only 2 people showed up, but you really couldn't give the crippled guy his 5 minutes of in front of the stage time,  God forbid I actually got on the stage. Since he hasn't performed since July!?! Seriously, how am I going to buy a $20 DVD of my performance, to further line your pockets, even though you can only hear me and not see me, because I'm never on the actual stage, to further make your kids, I mean you, money? You left some serious money on the table there, your kids might have to go to public school now instead of Catholic school. Am I worried about them reading this...NOPE. Doesn't matter how funny I am, or how much I kill it, I burn so many comedy bridges around here. Nobody is going to offer me a paid gig around here  anyways. It's fine, I'm going to start putting on my own monthly show, where everyone gets paid and gets to perform, no matter how many people they bring. Okay, if you bring nobody, you only get 5 minutes and no money, but still, better than what they have now I mean, if retards like Vinny Beedle can put on "shows" I think I can handle it. 

 

 

 

 In all of my bitterness I forgot to say, special shout out to the asshole, middle aged, drunk couple who swore up and down when they took my other two paid for tickets on Thursday that they would tell the Door Nazi (Ryan Brauth) that they were there to see me perform, so ya know, I actually could. But did they actually show up? OH NO, NO, NO. They're as bad as Vinny Beedle,  they took my money and ran, and Lady Gaga was performing at Mohegan that night, not Steve Miller.  Look it up Millenials. To quote my favorite singer ever, "I'm tired of the gossip, and think I've had enough, so I'm putting two cripple middle fingers up to these fake ass bitches." And to quote Mick Foley, especially since his hot daughter is into armpit stuff, haha, long story, don't ask, "HAVE A NICE DAY!" 

You can't fix crazy

Sadly I wish I could to get certain people out of my life. But at least it's inspiration for my shirt/stand-up comedian career. You should buy this shirt and help me prevent people herpes. Picture below. Buy one at cripplecreation.com right here

People herpes...people that you think are out of your life but always find a way to pop back up. I thought crazy pot smoking bitch was out of my life but today she decided to reappear in a massive way. I should have known that she was going to she just reemerged like the creature from the black lagoon from Florida late Sunday/ early Monday morning. Apparently I owe her money for 3 nights she worked (but really didn't). Luckily my mom is smart enough to known this and asked me before ignoring her texts. Did I mention the Cheshire police department specifically told her not to contact me or any of my family members and she did anyways, wheels crossed she gets arrested because that will make me piss my pants laughing. Luckily for her the cop that is in charge of our case is on vacation this week. But I know she still has her minions reading this so I just wanted to say hi, to all you crazy bitches. Legit crazy, chick did time in the psych hospital but what do you expect when your dad is schizo and your mom can never leave the house without having an anxiety attack. I'm starting to see why this chick had no chance of not being crazy. Since I don't actually owe her shit, all I can figure is she blew all her money in Florida on drugs and god only knows what else, so she figured she'd hit my mom up for money one more time. My mom won't even give me $20 to get my hair cut, you think she is going to pay you for 35 hours at 13.50 an hour? Perhaps you should check back into that psych hospital.

But then it gets better today. One of my former workers, who ironically is on vacation in Florida right now, asked me when I was going to send her her last check because she hasn't been working for me for a month and still hadn't received it. When I asked my mom, she said the girl had already cashed it. But the girl insisted she hadn't and unlike most of the workers I hire she's pretty normal and trustworthy so I believe her, so I told my mom to call the bank. When she did, apparently somebody named Chris Cammalletti or something similar to that had endorsed it to himself from the girl who was supposed to get the check. Ironically it was cashed yesterday the same day that crazy bitch returned from her Florida vacation. Crazy bitch and this worker also have similar names and as I'll show with the pictures below it looks like a retarded kindergartner signed the check and crazy bitch never graduated high school. Also here is a real signature of the girl that was supposed to get this check and as you can see it looks nothing like her real signature.

My guess is crazy bitch somehow got a hold of this check and probably gave it to a drug dealer she owed money to! Because sure enough when my mom looked up the Chris name it goes back to some guy from Waterbury that's been arrested on a bunch of charges in the past one of them being drug distribution. Shocker and one hell of a coincidence if crazy bitch wasn't involved. But then again Donald Trump became president so then again I guess anything is possible. 




In happier news as you can see at the end of this paragraph just like most other things in life I also suck at bowling now. There was a time I was usually good! What? I always joke I'm a 60 year old man trapped in a 31 year old body. Plus my dad ran a bowling league for disabled kids for ten years so I used to be good, my high score is a 172. And the highest possible score is 300 for those of you not cool enough to know. I'm not sure why the lady working printed it out for us but I'm pretty sure it's because she thought I was MR (mentally retarded)....I mean I know there's a group home that goes bowling every Tuesday night there, and as much as I'm most likely ending up living in one of them I don't actually yet.

Finally it is $200 to rent the hall on May 13th for that show I want to put on in Cheshire. So if I sell tickets at $10 I need to sell at least 20, probably more after renting a mic and speakers to at least break even haha! Most likely I will go for it, I just need the $200 for the rental hall when I go to reserve it, which I don't presently have. Hopefully I will come up with it before that day. Here is a reminder of the upcoming sit-down comedy shows I have;

Tomorrow - 520 whalley avenue in New Haven from 5 pm-7pm and it's free and early so you should come see me! 
Thursday 2-9 and 2-23 (weather permitting) Comix Mohegan Sun at 10 pm and tickets are only $10! 
March 17th Pawactuck VFW in Pawactuck CT at 7 pm and it's free so you assholes better come see me because it's also on Friday night so you have no excuse not too!
March 21st at 7 pm at Dante's Restaurant and Bar in Stratford CT free to get in just have to buy food and drink so please come see me, the food is not even that expensive there!

FirestickGate

So the Cheshire PD just left my house. Sadly, I wish I was kidding but I'm not. Why? Over a fucking Firestick, I shit you not, a fucking Firestick. You see, the worker I made fun of in my last post, only wanted to smoke pot and sleep, and apparently took offense to the fact that I wrote that despite it being true and told me she quit on Saturday. Despite efforts from myself and two other workers, she would not come back. Not only would she not come back, but she demanded I give her back the Amazon Firestick she got me for Christmas, and a $2 tub of hair gel. I bought her clothes, underwear, video games for her brother, a stereo system for her car, and she got a Christmas Bonus from my mom as well as money from me. Did I ask her for any of that back after she quit, and left my mom to take care of me for 16 hours Sunday night... Hell no! The best part is, I got into a fight with her about a month ago offering to give her the Firestick back then, and she insisted that I keep it. She said her dad would fight with her and ask for his gifts back that he gave her, but she didn't want to be petty like him. Well seems like you're being awful fucking petty right now! Not only did I tell her not to come to my house or the police would be called, but so did one of my workers. Despite this, she still insisted she was coming here tomorrow to get her Firestick. Part of me hopes she does, because now that the police were here, she will get arrested if she shows up. At the 1% chance she does get it, I'm licking it and putting it in my cats litter box tonight. She probably will show up tomorrow anyways. You and your father don't have a history in the psych ward for no reason. Even her mom told her to stop working because she can collect disability for mental illness. Even though her family is living in section 8 housing commiting fraud because it's only supposed to be her, her mom, and her brother living there but her dad lives there undocumented, dealing drugs out of the house with a bunch of illegally registered cars in the driveway. Oh yeah, did I also mention he collects disability but works even though your not supposed too if you're on it. Basically this family is a big bunch of winners. The autistic brother is the lucky one because he's not aware of all the fucked up shit going on around him! Just so I have proof, here is the text I sent her specifically telling her to stay away from my house. Also, here is a collage of photos of her doing drugs. Her Instagram name is on there, feel free to follow her, its all public! And the creepier you are, the better, I mean fuck, if she jerked me off and sent me nude photos for money, I can only imagine the shit she will do for you.

The best part is I made a status about her the other day, and her friend decided to rat me out and show it to her. So today, I made sure to tag that friend in another status with a collage of her doing drugs. Her friend then messaged me this on Facebook:

If you're so professional, then why do you and your husband do more drugs than Cynthia does? And uh, I don't know, maybe don't put it on social media if you're trying to hide it from your clients. I mean your supposed best friend Cynthia is the one that told me that you and your husband and Gimpy all have coke problems, and I'm not talking about Soda! How the fuck else would I know this? What a group of friends that group is. No wonder your friends are all dying of drug overdoses and thanks to Gimpy, I know your husband is an abusive coke head, and you're too much of a coward to leave despite your father almost beating the shit out of him and refusing to pay for your wedding. Have fun bringing children into that love filled marriage(heavy sarcasm) according to Cynthia, you want to divorce him and it hasn't even been a year. They got married on 9/11, how fucking appropriate. Sadly, you probably never will leave him and you'll have two or three kids to try and get him to turn around and save your miserable marriage. Not realizing, you're just going to make it worse, and he will probably start beating the shit out of you and your children. But who knows, alot of this projecting I'm doing is according to information also supplied by Gimpy, so who knows how true this is because I found out she's a pathological liar. I should've been suspicious when she told me Julian Edelman wanted to date her, that guy dates Victoria's Secret Models. He ain't dating you and your coke sniffing ass that's missing half a foot. Yes I know I'm a cripple so its ironic coming from me, but I'm smart enough to know and not pretend that Adriana Lima wants to date me. Holy fuck where do I find these bitches and their friends. I thought I was crazy, but they make me feel better about my own life. I swear to fucking God, If I could drive myself to Florida and never come back, I would. I'm tired of the drama with all of my workers and everyone thinking I'm a raging asshole. Newsflash I don't give a fuck who hates me, and I damn  sure don't care what people in CT think about me. When I go to Orlando in April, or later this year... because after all this I'm fucking going just for the sake of my own sanity, I'm probably not coming back. Even if I commit myself to a psych hospital or nursing home that takes shitty care of me.

Breaking News! I'm Fat!

I know it's shocking to those of you that know me, but yes I'm aware that I'm fat, and no I don't give a fuck that I am. However, in case I forgot one of my workers decided to remind me of this yesterday. She came to my house last night saying that she had to wear three layers of clothing because it is apparently so cold in my house. When I told her, "that's weird I'm usually always freezing and I feel fine right now," she ever so politely reminded me "well don't forget you weigh a lot more than I do!" Uhhh I saw pictures of you last summer, I would have to say you were giving me a run for my money. Sooo, you might want to remember next time you say something like that because I'm probably such an asshole I will say this to your face. I haven't heard something this rude since Big Boobs McGee told the fat girl she was training "you might wanna move his wheelchair up because you're a  lot bigger than me," no wonder that girl never came back after that day. That and when she was getting me ready that day, she was so out of shape she almost passed out on us. For real, we had to get her a cup of water and have her sit down. But yeah, back to the current worker, that's what happens when your main priority in the world is too smoke pot, sleep, smoke more pot, sleep, bitch that shes not getting enough money from me, and smoke some more pot. Needless to say, this is one of the main reasons I cancelled my trip to Orlando... yeah I'm not getting on the plane with you carrying a pound of weed in your suitcase, or other holes on your body..What?! I watch Orange Is The New Black. Or as soon as we touch down in Orlando, having you call Paco the drug dealer so you can get your fix. I ain't fuckin' with Cuban drug dealers in Florida. And I know you will hit him up, because you can't go one day without smoking, never mind five. The best part is if you ever read this, (which I know you will not) you'll say "it's my personal business what I do outside of work!" Absolutely you're 100% right, but when your dumb enough to tell me all these things to my face, how can I not make jokes about this? Have you met me? I make fun of everybody's shit on here!\

Speaking of the geniuses that work for me... today I had to text one of my workers this lovely message.

Yes, I really had to send that, luckily for her sake she even realized how stupid that was. This is the same girl that asked me if Thursday night football was on tonight.  Um, first of all it's friday, second, since it's the NFL playoffs, Thursday night football hasn't been on in a month. The ironic part is I was telling her today about some of the past geniuses that have worked for me, like that girl who put my Thermos in the microwave, the one that hit the pole in the parking lot at Quinnipiac with the van, or the one who hit the pole in the parking lot of CVS, and how they all now work in the health care field. I told her if I ever saw one of those three people working in a Dr office or hospital, that I would wheel the other way as fast as possible. She laughed and agreed with me, sadly now I have to add her to this list.

Finally, I'm not one for conspiracy theories but last night there was a huge explosion in my neighborhood and the power went out right after for a minute. Luckily, it came right back on, but is it any coincidence that it's the same day Donald Trump became President? I think not!!! It was the world suddenly letting me know it's trying to end itself before he can fully take power. It is also ironic on the day of his inauguration, Jan 20th is considered International Day of Acceptance. The most bigoted, racist, sexist man I know becomes President on International Day of Acceptance, somewhere Abraham Lincoln, Harriet Tubman and Harvey Milk are all rolling over in their graves. Also, I finally watched Obama's farewell appearance on 60 minutes from last Sunday, and they showed in his oval office how he had a bust statue of MLK Jr's face and a map that showed one of the Underground Railroad's paths to freedom. Since every President gets to redecorate the White House when he takes office, I'm guessing that statue has been replaced with Hitler or Putin's face, and the map has been replaced with a map of a Japanese Internment Camp from WWII.

Yeah, we're all gonna die. But in case we don't come see me perform at Comix Mohegan Sun on January 26th, or February 9th. Tickets are only $10 you cheap bastards. Also performing in New Haven at 5pm on Feb 8th, if you really want to go ask for details but its a free show on Whaley Ave so you should go. I'm also probably gonna perform at that Hartford FunnyBone open mic on Feb 7th, not sure of the date and tooo fat and lazy too look it up but I think it Feb 7th. I'm also doing a show in Westerly, RI on Saturday March 4th, it's free and on a weekend so hopefully some people will drive far to support me. More details to come.

Please watch this video of Bob Saget's terrified reporter son getting trampled by DC Police with Trump Inauguration Protestors. I almost felt bad for the asshole until I realized he worked for Fox News! Click the link here.

While watching this video I awkwardly stumbled across Trump and his wife slow dancing to some awful song at the Armed Forces Inaurguration Ball. It was an nauseating as it sounds.