Cripple Pranks Hoes

 
I was thinking about renaming my YouTube channel this. Yes I have a YouTube channel, did you know it? Probably not because I have 2 subscribers which makes me only 9,998 short of being eligible for ad revenue. Currently my three most popular videos on YouTube are a UFC fighter pooping in the ring, announcing of the wrong winner for best picture at the Oscars, and a wrestler randomly passing out during a match still not sure if that was real or not. I originally started the channel to share videos of my comedy performances, but those three videos that have way more views than any of my comedy videos. So last night when I was fourth of July drinking/drunk, I was watching videos of people pranking other people, and most of them had a decent amount of views so I was thinking about starting a channel called "Cripple Pranks Hoes". If that isn't a smash hit then nothing will be. The problem is is I need fake money and all the fake money on e bay looks like crap. Most of it has pink Chinese or Japanese writing all over it. I don't think any hoes I prank are going to fall for that being real money.

 

So I jinxed myself! I literally had been telling everyone who would listen that the ex-wife and I were actually getting along for the last two weeks and we even had a good night on Monday. I also told everyone I was probably going to jinx it by saying this and sure enough I did! A huge red flag was raised when she texted me at 3:00 am this morning asking if she could come at 10:15 instead of 10:00 am. Not wanting to argue over stupid bullshit I said it was fine but I knew that was really ex-wife talk for I'm going to fuck your day up. Sure enough she did. She texted me at 6:30 in the morning when she's supposed to be here at 10:00 to say she has a flat tire and couldn't come in. Obviously I'm not going to see that and neither is my overnight worker. When I stay up all night and sleep until noon. Also, having gone through this twice in the last two months it takes about an hour to get a flat tire fixed and she said the tire repair shop opens at 7 am so why couldn't you be here for your 10am-5pm shift? Oh I know, probably because yesterday was the 4th of July and you were out drinking/partying all day and night and didn't want to come to work hungover, or work period. Hence, the 3:00 am text message hoping I would tell you not to come to work. Also, for someone who claims they can't wake up early and be here by 8:00 am hence being the only princess that gets to come in at 10:00am, why were you up at 6:30 in the morning? Oh I know for the same reason I just mentioned asshole! Plus, have I ever mentioned how one of the people that works for me doesn't even have a car but always manages to show up for her shift? You have a roommate who is so obsessed with you and so far up your ass she knows what you eat for breakfast, and you always brag about how many friends you have because you are such a wonderful person and none of them could give you a ride to work today? Well here's an idea, how about a cab or an Uber? I'm sure your roommate would have happily taken a day off from work to sit with your car and get it fixed while personally driving you around to and from work. Yeah, she really is that sad and pathetic. When the ex wife says jump she says, "How high?" It gets better though, I told her she was so full of shit her eyes should be brown, and not to be like the new mom and just lie about everything! Seriously, I would of had more respect and been less angry if she texted me at 3am to say I'm too drunk from 4th of July I can't come into work, instead of making up an elaborate story! So just to play along with it and see how far she would take this lie, I told her to take a picture at the tire repair place or send a picture of the receipt for the new tire. Of course, she said she couldn't because her phone was about to die, and then proceeded to text me for 30 minutes... Yeah looks like your phone was really dying! Even after all of this, she didn't get why I told her I was going to fire her because two of my other workers were threatening to quit if I didn't, and I was done making her the most important thing in my life. Of course this was followed up by ten consecutive text messages that were paragraphs long and in all caps! Because that's what people of a sound mind do... Oh yeah, did I mention I was having a completely normal conversation with her roommate and then all of a sudden when she found out the ex wife was mad at me it changed to don;t contact me anymore, I'm blocking your number and calling the police. Don't threaten me with a good time. First of all, not a big loss in my life, second of all I don't feel bad that the ex wife is screaming and crying and locked herself in her bedroom after the three years of hell she put me through! She's dramatic as fuck and just acts like an immature asshole because she knows I'm stupid enough to keep taking her back. That shit don't work on me no more! And obviously you're not really my friend, speaking about her roommate.. if you threaten to stop talking to me and calling the cops on me just because I'm fighting with the ex wife over text. What were you actually going to call the cops and say? This cripple guy is sending me text messages saying he doesn't care that my roommate is upset and crying because of him. Yeah let me know how that works out for ya.. especially after the cops laugh and hang up on you. Seriously with all the bad publicity cops have been getting lately, do you think they're going to arrest a cripple for text messages trying to solve an argument? Yeah that would go over real well... I'll take delusional for $1,000 Alex!

 

My mom's side of the family is having a family reunion on Saturday... or as I like to call it a bunch of people I haven't seen in 20 years, and I don't know who they are or how they are related to me, but they all remember me because I am crippled! But here is hoping there are some hot photos or videos of me on display! There is definitely a hot video of me when I was in a training video for Friendly's circa 96 or 97. They needed a crip and my uncle (technically my mom's cousin Steve) was the director so I got hired. I haven't actually seen this video so I would love to!  I would offer to perform some of my sit down comedy at the reunion, but I would probably offend or piss of a lot of people as I tend to do everywhere I roll!



Since I probably pissed off a bunch of comedy people posting this as a Facebook status, but if you want to know when I am performing here it is!
I know I have had a lot of people asking me so here are my upcoming comedy shows, it's not a very big list right now. But I would really appreciate it if you would come see me because apparently the comedy world never realized that slavery ended and not only do I not get paid for any of these but I have to bring people in order to get 5 whole mins where I roll on stage or generally next to it. Comedy clubs are a bunch of able bodieists.
Anyway here's the list:
Thursday July 13th Comix at Mohegan Sun @10 pm tickets are $10. I got to bring 5 people for 5 mins of stage time which is $10 a min for my performance, totally seems fair!

Saturday August 12th @Bistro B in Westport show starts at 8, doors open at 7. I have to bring 6 people and tickets are $17.50....this one's even better, $20 for every min I get to perform!
Saturday August 19th @ 5:30 pm at Broadway Comedy Club in NYC. Tickets are $15.76 in advance and can be purchased here plus a two drink minimum inside or $20 at the door plus a two drink minimum inside if any seats are left. It's a Saturday night and you get to go to NYC so no excuses for not coming out to see me especially those of you who haven't seen me perform live yet.I have to bring 6 people so this breaks down to about $19 a minute to perform.
Sunday August 27th @4:30 pm I'm doing Pat Oates show again at Comix at Mohegan Sun. I need to bring at least 5 people and tickets are $11.73 if you purchase them online here. Or $10 at the door the afternoon of the show. For those of you who can't make it, my performance will be on his podcast later that week because him and some of his comedian friends will be critiquing/commenting on my performance that night. Again $10 a min to perform! Go me!

You know what happens?

You know what happens when you piss me off, you know what happens? YOU JUST MADE THE TAPES! Hopefully Chris Jericho comes back soon to get revenge on that fat fuck, as my worker called him last night, and no one appreciated the great facebook status. It's still real to us dammit.

Also, besides the fact that it's still real to her dammit, yeah she really hates Kevin Owens and called him a fat fuck, she also hates Alexa Bliss for being a little bitch, and Bobby Roode for being so fucking glorious.... okay maybe it's because I play his entrance music every time she works, I cant help it, it's so damn addicting and dare I say glorious! Maybe it's because she is trying to become a cop and lay off the weed so her brain is a little foggy. The funny part is, shes helping me write this! Also, because it makes for comedy gold, I'm on this website called Seeking Arrangement where it's basically creepy rich guys or cougars who are looking for young, hot people who need money... Yeah it's kind of like legalized prostitution... its as legal as it sounds. How did I find this? One of my sketchy former workers told me she used to be on it. Surprisingly it wasn't bitch face! It's totally worth it though. I made a $1,000 once in one month just by pretending to be a hot girl on there. For real, I didn't even meet them. I would just send pics and video I had on my phone or found on the internet. I had to stop because my workers at the time started to get butt hurt about ripping off old perverts. But those workers are gone now so maybe I'll start up again.. Probably not though, I got so many dick pics I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.. but then again bitch face probably gets 50 a day, all working the street corner. Here's a little piece of advice, if you're 47, weigh about 300 pounds, and look like a giant orange in one of your pictures, I don't think you are on the right website to earn a lot of business. I know I'm no catch, but damn!

Anyway, yeah I'm totally ripping off that great Netflix show 13 Reasons Why and being a 13 year old girl, but here is who would make my tapes: (real names and identities protected)

 
1. Cheyenne- I put her first because she hasn't done anything that terrible, so if I do ultimately do roll in front of a train or down a flight of stairs, she is the least responsible for my decision. Sure she is so far up the ex wife's ass. She could tell what she ate for breakfast, and i swear they used to be lesbian lovers.. otherwise, I don't know why she is so obsessed with her. It's scary when they fight she acts like a jealous old girlfriend and threatens to kill herself if they aren't friends anymore. And one time they got into a fight and she started slamming her head on her steering wheel, which is totally normal! But whatever! At least she hung out with me when the ex wife wasn't around, and despite all the crap I've said about her, she's still friends with me for some reason! So that is why Cheyenne is only tape 1.

2. The Original Mom- Read previous blog post from summer of last year. Basically, I liked her working for me, she worked a lot and everything then went to shit. She claims I pressured her to hook up with me, despite her being married, which I call total bullshit on. For some reason she told the husband, he freaked out, and basically forbid her to work for me again... I understand but, she was the one who still tried to be best friends with the ex wife and would poke me on Facebook and shit. So don't act like I'm some creepy ass stalker when you're clearly the one still trying to see what I'm up to. However, this was a long time ago, and I'm over it. So when I roll into a swimming pool you're only slightly more responsible... and that's why you are tape 2!

 
3. Gimpy- This bitch was a fucking wacko... Before I learned she was a constant liar, I wrote tons of blog posts and stories about her on here... If you want a good laugh, go back and read some of my old posts. Not only did she ask me to score her drugs, I shit you not, drive her drunk ass over to some guys house for a drunken hook up, I shit you not, and she asked me how to take naked selfie advice, I shit you not, but last summer she went on a three week vacation and then when she came back told me she was quitting! Then she wondered why I was a constant dick to her after that! She finally ghosted me after I blew up the whole drugs, sex, and naked selfies advice story in my comedy routine several months later. Goddamn she was entertaining, she made me look sane by comparison. Gimpy when I overdose on painkillers in honor of you, these are the reasons why you are tape 3!

 
4. Stoney Beroni- This bitch knows what she did! Not only is wrestling still real to her dammit, but she doesn't appreciate Bobby Roode's awesomeness, and every time i try to take her somewhere awesome she can't because she is Heath Slater as in she needs this job meaning her other one, because she's got kids... even though she doesn't. I mean I did angrily write once that she quit on me for three months... still not over it dammit... because she wanted to stay on the couch and smoke weed with her boyfriend instead of seeing me once a week, even though I pay better than her other job! But despite those lovely comments, she's back to helping me a lot more now, and putting up with me again for some reason. However, when i roll off the roof, it will be her fault for quitting for three months and being too cool to associate with me.. just like Hannah Baker's best friend... that's why she is tape 4!

 
5. HM- Much like Stoney Beroni, she knows what she did. This was a long time ago, and none of my present workers even know who I'm writing this about. That being said she was the one who got away, so I never talk or write about her. The story is too painful. Like 5 years ago I truly, probably too obsessively loved this girl. However, it's probably best that she lives several states away now, and totally forgot about who I even am... However, I still sadly think about her and miss her sometimes... So, if my hoard of wrestling memorabilia collapses on me, this is why she is tape 5!

6. Bobby The Stripper- Read my blog post from last month. I was young, dumb, and thought a stripper actually gave a fuck about me and not just the money... Ha, how stupid was I?! Sadly she is a crack head and still texts me horrible angry shit from time to time. So yeah if I convinced one of my workers to smother me with a pillow, your horrible words are the reason why you are tape 6!

7. Instagram Hoe- Similar to the post above, but even weirder because she was just friends with Bobby, and I used to give her a little bit of money for bad photos and videos. Eventually I got over it because she never wanted to meet in person, and she went all psychotic on me when I cut her off. She asked how could I do this to her, BITCH I NEVER EVEN MET YOU! When my cats smother me to death, this is why you are tape 7!

8. Ghetto Trash Bitch- Just read the post I wrote about her last month. First of all, she was probably still is friends with Bitch Face to the point she tried to get Bitch Faces cousin to work for me, and didn't mention she was related to Bitch Face until after she came to my house. And if that didn't make you hate her enough, she was just ghetto trash! I mean I get that is how you were raised, but that doesn't mean you have to act like that. I mean seriously, she was willing to go hook up with the guys from Seeking Arrangements I set up dates with if I cut her in on the money... And much like the New Mom, she just showed up to work when she felt like it, and would use any reason not to... Much like Bitch Face, she always thought I was screwing her out of money, even though I wasn't, but the final straw was the night she drove me to my show in Mass. and her boyfriend got so drunk while we were there that she let him spend the night at my house without even asking. YUCK! When I pay someone on Craigslist to shoot me, this is why you are tape 8!

 
9. The New Mom- Recently fired for being too fat and lazy to come to work, and then not understand why I would flip shit on her for not coming to work! This is a true story. One time my whole family was in South Carolina for a wedding, and because she had no call no showed so many times, I didn't trust her to show up for one of the overnight shifts, she swore up and down she would though, and I was dumb enough to believe it. I will say Ghetto Trash Bitch and The Ex Wife saved my butt that day since no one else literally was around to take care of me, and I can't be in my house alone for 13 hours, but seriously who abandons a 31 year old disabled man alone for hours when he is incapable of taking care of himself, and you can't even have the decency to tell his other workers you aren't coming in or even contact his family to tell them he is alone even though his whole family is in South Carolina! The fucked up part is she has a two year old daughter, how would she have felt if her babysitter just left her daughter home alone and didn't bother to tell anyone she left/ didn't show up?! Here are some of the brilliant excuses i got after 9 months.. which were probably all bullshit looking back. Her mom was constantly trying to kill herself. Well fuck if I was your mom I would try to kill myself too, her daughter had a seizure. Who lies about their daughter/son having a seizure? Her mom was going crazy and stole her car keys / cellphone BITCH YOU ARE 24 YEARS OLD! Grow up and try to figure out how to problem solve. Her parents were at Foxwoods and didn't have a babysitter, BITCH YOU LIVE WITH YOUR GRANDMA! and my personal favorite, one time she made Bitch Face cover her shift so she could go bang someone, while her husband was over seas fighting for our country. Nothing says proud military wife like calling out of work to go fuck some guy you met at 711, while your husband is risking his life to go fight Isis. Good lord, no wonder why she was a Trump supporter. Also i am ashamed to say this.. no I'm not... but I wish you knew what she looks like, and what her husband looks like. I don't know what drugs she keeps him on to keep him around unless he has a thing for fat ugly chicks! I feel better! And for when she comes with her husband to kill me.. this is why you are tape 9!

 
10. The Ex Wife- I got 99 problems and she's ALL of them! Seriously if you don't know why The Ex Wife is on this, you clearly have never read my blog! Not sure why you started now, but go back and read... truthfully her and Bitch Face would actually be the reasons I killed myself. Hannah Baker style in the bath tub... and for that reason, The Ex Wife is tape 10!

11. Instagram Girl- She is my Clay, and that's why she is tape 11! After having my heart an soul destroyed by many people above and below, she has helped me realize not everyone is a sucky asshole! Strangely I think she actually likes me for some reason despite the fat obnoxious asshole that I am, and yes at first I was skeptical because we met on SA, but we talk everyday through text and Instagram, and she never asks me for anything anymore. Not that I have it to send anyway, but alas, just like Hannah and Clay, I don't think its meant to be because she lives in Chicago and we both are so poor. I don't know if we will actually meet... Since you are my love that is never going to be you are tape 11!

12. Bitch Face- Okay she never raped me, but does mental rape count? You ghetto trash living, drug dealing, bastard retarded child having, prostitute, I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! If the Purge was real, I would come after you, seriously I wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire, and if you died before me I will come piss on your grave, nobody will come visit anyways. As I so politely wrote to the New Mom when I fired her, EAT SHIT AND DIE!

and finally 13.  Bitch Face again- Did I mention she tried to get me arrested for putting an ad on Craigslist for a free washer and dryer with her address and phone number and told people to come by or call/text 24/7 because she was always open.... I was only talking about her legs... not the washer and dryer. It's not my fault everybody took it the wrong way. Her and the New Mom bonded when the both worked for me. Probably why the New Mom kept fucking with me after Bitch Face was gone, Bitch Face almost got her arrested to, but i guess she forgot about that because she got Bitch Face a job supposedly working at a home with disabled people. Those people are probably getting beat, stolen from, or raped every day by her if she is even sober enough to know what shes doing, but considering she smokes more weed than Tommy Chong, who knows!?

I'm a survivor

Whatever happened to those other two bitches from Destiny's Child?! Beyonce threw them out like yesterday's trash. I think I saw one of them was doing a free show at the Wolf Den a few years ago. No, I did not attend. MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice are more my speed, for free shows at the Wolf Den, and got a meet and greet after! It was the best day of my liiiife - yes, I sang that as my worker wrote it. What? I have a beautiful voice, I'm pretty sure angels speak through me when I sing. Black Jesus Lives Matter, my eyes have seen the glory of the Lord. No don't worry I didn't drink the koolaid....yet. I'm just having what you call a "mental breakdown". And like all the other cool celebs, I'm going to get treated for exhaustion after I post this. RIP Falco, and if you're not cool enough to get that don't ask.

So the other day, I was watching me some Cops, like all classy people do, and I saw probably the best episode literally E V E R. And I've seen some real winners on that show, such as a ghetto 94 year old Georgia based Grandma who stabbed her 90 year old best friend/ roommate after a few drinks and heated discussion over how her son was a "punk". Or as I like to call it, the ex wife and her roommate 50 years from now. Also saw an episode when a lady's husband knocked her dentures out of her mouth, and had to call the cops because they fell on the roof and she couldn't find them. Then she was more concerned about showing her pet parrot to the cops instead of finding her dentures. Oh and did I mention her husband was wearing tighty whities and was about 80 years old and 300 lbs. So its probably hard to imagine that I found a better episode then that. But I did! See the cops were responding to a call about a man passed out in the bushes...and I don't know what drugs he was on but man do I want some.When the cops got there his first question to him was are you guys real? And then as they were trying to arrest him they started screaming PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME!! and he was also eating the grass on the ground in front of him. This guy was literally so fucked up that they didn't charge him just brought him to the psych hospital. I'm not sure what they're doing down there in Florida that this behavior was so normal that they didn't bother to arrest him for anything but man am I looking forward to going there in a few months!

watch the other funny moments here
https://youtu.be/lXiy406JAZg

Speaking of stupid people on drugs...ok they don't do drugs ...allegedly. Here is a good story about the ex wife and her roommate. See last weekend it snowed and even though we live in Connecticut every asshole in this fucking state craps their pants about driving once they see the first snowflake hit the ground. During the day that day the ex wife actually showed up to help me for once. While she was here she informed me that her roommate was waiting at a gas station in Bristol which is about 20 minutes from my house with good weather for the ex wife to come pick her up after she got out of work. I know this sounds normal but it was 2 pm and the ex wife doesn't get out of work on that day until 5 pm. So yea it sounds as retarded as it was! Dude her roommate works in Southington and lives in Plymouth which I know is 45 minutes away, but I don't care how bad your car is in the snow it's not worth waiting in the snow storm in some gas station for 4 hours for her to pick you up. Are you that lonely or hardcore of a lesbian that you have to wait 4 hours just to spend time with your roommate. I know she's your only friend but god damn, I don't even drive and I know that's retarded. But, whatever at least she came to work, the new mom used the first snow storm as an excuse to not work because she's originally from Florida. If you don't want to drive in the snow with your pick up truck perhaps you shouldn't have came to Connecticut. Due to all this crap I had to spend 15 hours with my mom by ourselves..surprisingly we survived without killing each other!

This is what I imagine it looked like by the time she got there

Today I accomplished something it's about time I learned to live on my own after 31 years...sure I have no way of getting out of the house or calling 911, but I survived 1 hour and 15 minutes on my own with nothing but Flappy, Miley, and Charles..those are my 3 cats. I now feel I'm certified in doomsday prepping, you can just call me survivor Bob...Of course this is all could have been prevented but everybody that works for me secretly want me to die so that they don't have to help me anymore. Cause ya know the creepy Canadian was filling in for hippie love child who only comes in when she feels like it cause even though I told the ex wife don't come for the day shift come for your usual 5-9 she still showed up anyways and refused to come back out of spite or as I call it she's a cunt! God forbid she pays her bill so her phones still on or her retarded roommate actually delivers a message without fucking it up...plus she still has me blocked on all social media because she thinks I'll get jealous of things she posts...bitch you got pregnant by a random dude there's literally nothing you can post that I give a flying fuck about anymore! But it makes her feel like she has power and control over me so whatever apparently next time I need to get her a message at the last second I need to show up personally to her door or send a telegraph or maybe use the pony express look it up millennials!

Finally, do you think that Ben Affleck should be a spokesman for Afflac insurance?Or maybe eminem should promote M&M's and I definitely think that Magic Johnson should work out a deal with Powerade! Somebody really dropped the ball on this...also, did you hear about lucky charms...apparently they're magically delicious, and Trix yeah they're just for kids! Donald Duck has apparently gone quackers and Miley Cyrus yeah she just being Miley! Hear those jokes and several more at my upcoming shows if they don't get cancelled!