Stuff This!

 

I have a 20 game Mets ticket plan, despite them being terrible this year I decided to go since it is the one nice thing my mom still allows me to have haha. Just kidding, but thank you for paying for half of it this year so I can still go. So last night's adventure to the New York Mets game was an absolute cluster fuck. They were giving away Noah Syndegaard as Thor bobbleheads. They were only for the first 20,000 fans to arrive. Since my lazy ass stays up until 4am and generally sleeps until at least noon, of course I didn't get there in time to get one. If I ever have money I will pay out the ass for it on eBay. But, at least I made it with grandma and myself, despite some horrible bitch of a New York driver trying to kill us on the way there...no I didn't really go with my real grandma, that's the nickname I gave my worker who went with me. Why? She is the only one that is older than me and she's always nagging me like a grandma. So, yeah on the way there I usually take Route 15 most of the way to the stadium. When you get to New York, Route 15 goes down from three lanes to two with the far right lane ending. Grandma and I were in the middle lane and this lady must have saw the sign that the lane was ending. So, she decided just to come on over into our lane without even looking, and despite the fact that we were right next to her. I mean, I know you are from New York and driving like an asshole is second nature to you, but as much as I joke about rolling off bridges or driving into a tree, I don't actually want to. Legit, we had to stop so hard that my glasses went flying off. Maybe next time I will just let her hit me, it would be a great way to get a new van and sue so I can pay off all my bills haha. Needless to say, when we passed her, Grandma made sure to lay on the horn and waive "Hi" with her middle finger. If I wasn't crippled, I would have totally rolled down the window and threw something at her car. There were a lot of idiots out driving last night, though, maybe because it was a Saturday night. After her, we had a motorcycle swerve in front of us. Then, on the way home, another car drifted into our lane as we were right next to it and then on top of all that, there was random construction where all of a sudden the traffic came to a dead stop on the highway. Route 15 is scary enough without sudden dead stop traffic.

 

Due to the bobblehead giveaway, the game was practically sold out with about 40,000 people there. Due to this, parking was also a nightmare. The cripple lot I normally park in was all full, so I tried parking in a side lot right next to it. Of course when I did, everyone was parking and getting out, and I'm assuming the people that worked in that lot were parking the cars for them. However, since I am in a wheelchair, that wasn't really an option for grandma and I. They then gave us some horrible directions of where we could find a handicap spot. Of course, people were tailgating and were in the way all over the parking lot as we were looking for cripple spots. Oh yeah, did I mention grandma has horrible fucking hearing?! I mean absolutely atrocious, as in my real grandma can hear better. Hence, another reason why I call her grandma. So yeah, I made the mistake of having her ask some other parking lot attendants where we could find handicap spots and of course, right after she asked, the subway went by, so even though I knew everything they said she had to ask them to repeat themselves like three times. At first, they lied and said there were no more, but then luckily, one of the attendants went speeding off on his bicycle to show us where to find some. Not sure why he had a bicycle when he was working or how he was so fast on it, but it all worked out because he found us real handicap spots right by the front entrance.

 

Of course, as soon as we got out of the van it started raining. I know you probably think I'm being dramatic, but I swear to god! Ask grandma, she can confirm it! Since the game was basically sold out it was a bitch getting to our seats, and of course there is no overhang where I sit so it rained on grandma and I on and off throughout the game. Of course after fighting through crowds of people to get to my seat and the fat lazy assholes who have to take the elevator because they're too fucking lazy to take the stairs to their seats. Seriously, pretend it's 9/11.. CLIMB THOSE STAIRS LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! Too soon?! Anyways, now that I am going to hell, this is seriously why we are the fattest country in the world! I wouldn't have been such a dick about it, but people will literally rush in front of me to get on the elevator when they're perfectly capable of walking, and I have no choice but to take the small, crowded, smelly elevator. Seriously, you know how bad it smells with a million people on it in the summer? Like BO and fermented hot dogs! And to make fun of myself, I totally would have bee a sitting duck on 9/11, haha get it? So we finally get to our seats and there is 30 lazy assholes standing around them because god forbid they get wet. After shoving my way through that crowd of winners, I finally reach my seat, only to find some nerd guy sitting in it, and the rest of that section/ wheelchair platform taken by fellow cripples or people that looked completely able bodied to me. The Mets being as retarded as they are gave me 2 built in seats with my game plan, instead of one built in seat and an empty spot next to it where I can park my wheelchair, even though I told them I'm in a wheelchair. It all worked out though because they moved our seats to behind home plate so we had a much better view. Also I previously joked with hippie love child that the Mets would be losing 5-0 after the first inning because they had won 3 games in a row. I was close, they were losing 4-0 and by the third inning it was 5-0. Shockingly, they actually came back and won 6-5 and was I there for the exciting conclusion, NOPE! I was trying not to sit in traffic for hours, this was the one time they decided to have their second biggest comeback of the season. I heard people cheering in the parking lot then I heard it on the radio.

 

So you would think that might be the end of my adventure at the Mets game, but in the words of Paul Hayman, "OH NO, NO, NO!" We finally get there and grandma decides she has to pee and get food, and legit disappears for a half an hour... No idea what the fuck she was doing, meanwhile I'm just sitting there by myself and of course that was the point of the game where it decided to rain the heaviest. Who had the umbrella? Grandma of course, also I shit you not, the only other time she got up it started poring again! I don't know what kind of terrible person I was in a past life, but it had to have been somebody awful! Randomly during the middle of the game, I'm pretty sure somebody lit a big joint because all of a sudden it smelled like terrible skunk weed. Not that I care, but you're not allowed to smoke anything inside the stadium, and I'm not even sure if legal in New York yet, so whoever was smoking, you got bigger balls than I do! Now you're thinking about my balls haha!

 

Don't worry I'm not having a stroke or a mental break down in the picture above. I'm pretending to be MR, hoping that someone would feel sorry for me and give me a bobblehead, especially since they're going for $150.00 on eBay!

 

Finally I'll leave you with this great piece of advice, if you want to feel better about yourself, watch ABC's reboot of Battle of the Network Stars. For those not cool enough or old enough to remember, the original Battle of the Network Stars aired from 1974-1988... You know back in the day when you only had 3 channels to choose from, ABC, NBC, and CBS. Stars from popular shows during that time would face off in sporting events to see who the "most athletic" network was. I mean it's as awesome as it sounds... You have OJ Simpson running track... I shit you not, Scott Baio running an obstacle course, the Facts of Life girls playing flag football, and Tony Danza in a dunk tank, with the teacher and Horseshack from Welcome Back Kotter playing golf. RIP Horseshack, he grew up in the same town I did. I know none of you idiots know what Welcome Back Kotter is, so I'll simplify it for you... It's a show about a guy who grew up in the ghettos of NYC, who goes back to teach kids who are like him growing up. Also, it is where John Travolta got his first big break, you know before he got all fat, bald, and in the closet gay! Whatever, I don't care, Saturday Night Fever was the shit and so was the soundtrack. I think I still own it somewhere. Anyway, the modern version of Battle of the Network Stars has mainly has been actors competing in the same events. Do you know how excited I was to hear Carol Seaver from Growing Pains hands off the baton to Balky from Perfect Strangers. I thought I died and went to heaven. This week though, proved that Wayne from The Wonder Years is still a butthead. Even though his entire team was wearing red shirts and shorts, ya know, cause they were the red team, he refused until they made him feel like a jerk about it halfway through the episode. But next week, next week makes me believe there just might be a god after all. First of all, I get to see Erik Estrada of CHiPS fame in the dunk tank... and I hope his toupee falls off. But to top it off, we have the only surviving Diff'rent Strokes cast member (actually is Mrs. Garrett still alive?) Willis AKA Todd Bridges, playing golf and shooting bows and arrows. I know most of you are only used to him shooting drugs or people... look it up millennials... but I'm fucking pumped! WHAT'CHU TALKIN' ABOUT WILLIS! God dammit, why does god take all the good ones, I miss you Gary Coleman, you angry little dwarf who pissed all his showbiz money away and had to work as a mall security guard and appear on Divorce Court. He once got arrested for assaulting a big fat lady... Not sure how this is even possible considering he was just a midget, but I guess it's like bitch face calling the cops on me because she felt "threatened"

 

Until next time I'll leave you with these two thoughts... First of all did you know double stuff Oreos actually only have 1.75 as much stuffing as a regular Oreo, and Subway's $5 foot longs are only 11 inches long. And now that your mind has been blown, I bid you fare well until I decide to write more crap that happened to me!!!