Cripple Pranks Hoes

 
I was thinking about renaming my YouTube channel this. Yes I have a YouTube channel, did you know it? Probably not because I have 2 subscribers which makes me only 9,998 short of being eligible for ad revenue. Currently my three most popular videos on YouTube are a UFC fighter pooping in the ring, announcing of the wrong winner for best picture at the Oscars, and a wrestler randomly passing out during a match still not sure if that was real or not. I originally started the channel to share videos of my comedy performances, but those three videos that have way more views than any of my comedy videos. So last night when I was fourth of July drinking/drunk, I was watching videos of people pranking other people, and most of them had a decent amount of views so I was thinking about starting a channel called "Cripple Pranks Hoes". If that isn't a smash hit then nothing will be. The problem is is I need fake money and all the fake money on e bay looks like crap. Most of it has pink Chinese or Japanese writing all over it. I don't think any hoes I prank are going to fall for that being real money.

 

So I jinxed myself! I literally had been telling everyone who would listen that the ex-wife and I were actually getting along for the last two weeks and we even had a good night on Monday. I also told everyone I was probably going to jinx it by saying this and sure enough I did! A huge red flag was raised when she texted me at 3:00 am this morning asking if she could come at 10:15 instead of 10:00 am. Not wanting to argue over stupid bullshit I said it was fine but I knew that was really ex-wife talk for I'm going to fuck your day up. Sure enough she did. She texted me at 6:30 in the morning when she's supposed to be here at 10:00 to say she has a flat tire and couldn't come in. Obviously I'm not going to see that and neither is my overnight worker. When I stay up all night and sleep until noon. Also, having gone through this twice in the last two months it takes about an hour to get a flat tire fixed and she said the tire repair shop opens at 7 am so why couldn't you be here for your 10am-5pm shift? Oh I know, probably because yesterday was the 4th of July and you were out drinking/partying all day and night and didn't want to come to work hungover, or work period. Hence, the 3:00 am text message hoping I would tell you not to come to work. Also, for someone who claims they can't wake up early and be here by 8:00 am hence being the only princess that gets to come in at 10:00am, why were you up at 6:30 in the morning? Oh I know for the same reason I just mentioned asshole! Plus, have I ever mentioned how one of the people that works for me doesn't even have a car but always manages to show up for her shift? You have a roommate who is so obsessed with you and so far up your ass she knows what you eat for breakfast, and you always brag about how many friends you have because you are such a wonderful person and none of them could give you a ride to work today? Well here's an idea, how about a cab or an Uber? I'm sure your roommate would have happily taken a day off from work to sit with your car and get it fixed while personally driving you around to and from work. Yeah, she really is that sad and pathetic. When the ex wife says jump she says, "How high?" It gets better though, I told her she was so full of shit her eyes should be brown, and not to be like the new mom and just lie about everything! Seriously, I would of had more respect and been less angry if she texted me at 3am to say I'm too drunk from 4th of July I can't come into work, instead of making up an elaborate story! So just to play along with it and see how far she would take this lie, I told her to take a picture at the tire repair place or send a picture of the receipt for the new tire. Of course, she said she couldn't because her phone was about to die, and then proceeded to text me for 30 minutes... Yeah looks like your phone was really dying! Even after all of this, she didn't get why I told her I was going to fire her because two of my other workers were threatening to quit if I didn't, and I was done making her the most important thing in my life. Of course this was followed up by ten consecutive text messages that were paragraphs long and in all caps! Because that's what people of a sound mind do... Oh yeah, did I mention I was having a completely normal conversation with her roommate and then all of a sudden when she found out the ex wife was mad at me it changed to don;t contact me anymore, I'm blocking your number and calling the police. Don't threaten me with a good time. First of all, not a big loss in my life, second of all I don't feel bad that the ex wife is screaming and crying and locked herself in her bedroom after the three years of hell she put me through! She's dramatic as fuck and just acts like an immature asshole because she knows I'm stupid enough to keep taking her back. That shit don't work on me no more! And obviously you're not really my friend, speaking about her roommate.. if you threaten to stop talking to me and calling the cops on me just because I'm fighting with the ex wife over text. What were you actually going to call the cops and say? This cripple guy is sending me text messages saying he doesn't care that my roommate is upset and crying because of him. Yeah let me know how that works out for ya.. especially after the cops laugh and hang up on you. Seriously with all the bad publicity cops have been getting lately, do you think they're going to arrest a cripple for text messages trying to solve an argument? Yeah that would go over real well... I'll take delusional for $1,000 Alex!

 

My mom's side of the family is having a family reunion on Saturday... or as I like to call it a bunch of people I haven't seen in 20 years, and I don't know who they are or how they are related to me, but they all remember me because I am crippled! But here is hoping there are some hot photos or videos of me on display! There is definitely a hot video of me when I was in a training video for Friendly's circa 96 or 97. They needed a crip and my uncle (technically my mom's cousin Steve) was the director so I got hired. I haven't actually seen this video so I would love to!  I would offer to perform some of my sit down comedy at the reunion, but I would probably offend or piss of a lot of people as I tend to do everywhere I roll!



Since I probably pissed off a bunch of comedy people posting this as a Facebook status, but if you want to know when I am performing here it is!
I know I have had a lot of people asking me so here are my upcoming comedy shows, it's not a very big list right now. But I would really appreciate it if you would come see me because apparently the comedy world never realized that slavery ended and not only do I not get paid for any of these but I have to bring people in order to get 5 whole mins where I roll on stage or generally next to it. Comedy clubs are a bunch of able bodieists.
Anyway here's the list:
Thursday July 13th Comix at Mohegan Sun @10 pm tickets are $10. I got to bring 5 people for 5 mins of stage time which is $10 a min for my performance, totally seems fair!

Saturday August 12th @Bistro B in Westport show starts at 8, doors open at 7. I have to bring 6 people and tickets are $17.50....this one's even better, $20 for every min I get to perform!
Saturday August 19th @ 5:30 pm at Broadway Comedy Club in NYC. Tickets are $15.76 in advance and can be purchased here plus a two drink minimum inside or $20 at the door plus a two drink minimum inside if any seats are left. It's a Saturday night and you get to go to NYC so no excuses for not coming out to see me especially those of you who haven't seen me perform live yet.I have to bring 6 people so this breaks down to about $19 a minute to perform.
Sunday August 27th @4:30 pm I'm doing Pat Oates show again at Comix at Mohegan Sun. I need to bring at least 5 people and tickets are $11.73 if you purchase them online here. Or $10 at the door the afternoon of the show. For those of you who can't make it, my performance will be on his podcast later that week because him and some of his comedian friends will be critiquing/commenting on my performance that night. Again $10 a min to perform! Go me!