You're Going In The Hone

 

Forgive me folks. This won't be very long, because grandma is cranky and tired, and she's about to throw her dentures at me if I don't give her some warm milk, and put on her stories. Usually Murder She Wrote, sometimes The Golden Girls if she's feeling feisty. However, I have not  written in a while, so I figured everyone missed my lovely thoughts on the world. Although at the speed grandma is typing this may not be done until my 33rd birthday.



Anyway, in my typical cranky old man fashion because I'm secretly 32 going on 72 in cripple years. So, yeah, normally when I go to bed around 5am and wake up around 2pm......Oh, the bitching I get from all my workers because of it.....I leave on MSNBC all night(I guess it's technically morning...) because it's the only network that hates Trump as much as I do. Also, it's so boring, it always so boring it makes me fall asleep. That was until I woke up yesterday and saw this.....and god dammit I've never been so proud to be a cripple.

That's right folks, the fuzz AKA, the po po,AKA I smell bacon(only smart people will get that) were literally(in some cases) driving crippled people's wheelchairs, motorized scooters, and pushing their manual wheelchairs out of Capital Hill. Yes, I know they were being obnoxious and interrupting a meeting of the federal government, but it worked! Their protest along with the terrible videos that went with it(did I mention at one point they dragged out a blind man with his walking stick?)Stopped the republican health care bill that would have repealed Obamacare from going any further. If only I could have been there with them, yelling, screaming,throwing my head down in a suicide attempt. Oh, the dramatic production I could have made out of that. My worker's don't call me the Drama King(or DQ for short....yes, I know it means queen, why do you think I hate them all?) for nothing! The only thing that could have topped it is if grandma or the ex-wife got tasered, pepper sprayed, or bitten by a police dog! My god, the viral video would have broken YouTube, fuck, I would have been there and I still would have paid to see that. Here's to hoping that someday they have a protest in Hartford  similar to it.



Also, last night I was looking for documentaries about Jim Jones, because the ex-wife is so dumb she didn't know what I meant when I said don't drink the Kool-Aid. Since you are taking time out of your life to read this blog, I am assuming you are as dumb as she is, so I will explain it. Jim Jones was a cult leader in the 70's who did the typical fucked up things that cult leaders do. So he led his people from California to some middle of fucking nowhere place( I think somewhere in Central or South America, maybe Africa, google it you lazy asshole). Literally he spent millions of dollars to build this town 300 miles into the jungle! The fucked up part, knowing that this guy had millions of dollars makes me want to start my own cult. He called it Jonestown....Hmmm...a narcissistic poltical leader who was rich and loves to name things after himself...Who does that sound like? let me go stay in Trump Tower, play a round of golf at Trump golf course, and finish my night gambling at Trump casino while I think about it. All I know is that if Trump starts telling us all to drink Kool-Aid, don't do it. Anyway, a Senator from California went to go visit Jonestown because you know, voters in his district were concerned that their friends and family memebers were in a cult. Of course all the people in Jonestown tried to pretend like everything was fine while the Senator and the news media were there. However, members of Jonestown started slipping the Senator notes and telling the news media they did not want to be there. For some reason, even though a cult member tried to stab him as he was leaving, he thought he would be allowed to  leave peacefully along with the news media, and cult members who wanted to go back to the US with him. Of course, Jim Jones ordered a bunch of his guys to go track them down and kill them, which they did for the most part. Some escaped in the jungle or pretended they were dead and a lot of this was captured on camera if you want to see the creepy video. Of course, after they killed agovernment official and a bunch of innocent US citizens, Jones knew he was about to be royally butt fucked by the US goverment. Therefor, for whatever reason Jones decided that him and all his people in Jonestown had to die. He made everyone drink Kool-Aid laced with cyanide, and those who didn't want to were forced to, even the children and babies. The best part is, is that when Jones saw how much pain and suffering people were going through he chickened out and made someone shoot him in the head. 909 people died that day, and yes, I looked it up, and yes, it still exists, and hell yes I so want to visit Jonestown.

So yeah, this video has nothing much to do with all that. However, it was so funny I had to record it myself. It's from a PBS documentary about Jim Jones and what happens that I found on YouTube. At the beginning of it, they talk to people he grew up with because the fucking guy was whacked even as a child. Anyway, when he was in his 20's, apparently still living in Indiana where he was born, he made a living raising and selling monkeys to be kept as pets as most normal people do. Although, sadly that probably is normal in Indiana. This woman was describing how she met Jones, and she said this:

Granted, if I had to live with this lady's aunt I probably would have wanted to kill myself too. Holy shit though, how bad was this fucking monkey's life?!?! Sure they will probably claim it was an accidental hanging, but we all know the truth! I refuse to roll into my grave until a full coroner's inquiry is done about this monkey's death. Sure he died in the 50's, and I don't even want to think how his remains were desecrated. Don't forget this was Indiana in the 50's, so they probably ate him for dinner that night. They destroyed all the evidence just like Courtney Love did by having Kurt Cobain cremated.I bet the aunt even wrote a fake suicide note for the monkey just like Courtney Love did for Kurt Cobain! Monkeys can't write, they don't have opposable thumbs. It's all a fucking conspiracy man! I expect #suicidalmonkey to start trending all over social media now. With that beautiful thought, I will leave you wondering with this, does anyone else think Trump looks like a retarded Cheeto?

I Got Rejected From Being A Porn Star

I hate Stoney Beroni. I mean I really fucking hate her. I just spent a half hour writing the first paragraph of this glorious blog post, and her dumb ass deleted it in 5 seconds. Still haven't figured out how she managed to highlight the whole thing and delete it, but this is why I want to hire @TheRealKimmieBenson... Not sure what this says about me, but did you know @TheRealKimmieBenson rather work for a murderer than me? Swear to god, don't know what that says about me, but I feel like if I had feelings they might be hurt! I mean I know I could be a mentally abusive, rude, insulting, forcing people to steal $350 from me allegedly to fly to Florida and go to mental health rehab, but I never killed anybody. I mean I have killed some insects in my life, and one time I ran over a snail.. its as gross as it sounds, and I really wanted to kill the ex wife. I even thought of ways how, but I haven't done it... yet! But you know what happens Stoney Beroni and @ThRealKimmieBenson when you delete my whole blog post? You know what happens when you pick murderers and Shop Rite over me? YOU JUST MADE THE BLOG!!

Anyway, back to what I was writing. So yeah, I got rejected from being a porn star. Okay, technically not a porn star, a "webcam model" but we know it's basically the same thing. I even have my name picked out. It's going to be BobbyBangggBanggg! Alas, another dream crushed after I received this email. 
 

What the hell? I'm already registered to all the websites they are affiliated with? First of all, does that mean BobbyBangggBanggg could live to roll on? Second, when the fuck did I register to become a webcam model? Do I have a split personality where I registered to be BobbyBangggBanggg and I just don't remember?  I mean I only registered because I knew it would make for a funny blog post. Plus, and man am I really shitting on Stoney Beroni today, but I wanted to prove to her that it was a stupid get rich quick scheme that wouldn't work, and in fact most people make shit money from it, and deal with creepy fucks like me on it. But yeah, I'm a little insulted by this because they let the second mom do this (or so she says)and she looks like this... 

 

If nasty ass people pay to see her, then I'm pretty sure there are some weirdos out there who would pay me to roll around shirtless in my chair to Rights Said Fred's I'm TOO sexy to fulfill their cripple fetish fantasies. Quick side note, she shockingly didn't pay me back because you know three payments of $60 every other week, that we agreed to is apparently too much, so I guess I'll be suing her and her mom in small claims court/ trying to get on People's Court or some similar type of show. I mean I'm still being nice and cutting her a break because she technically still owes me $200 and I was only asking for $180... But yeah it's going to be a lot more now for all the anxiety, and emotional distress she has caused me. I might need her to fly me to rehab in Hawaii or Arizona this winter so I can undergo some health treatment for all the problems she has caused me. Also, random, but going back to the original part of this paragraph, I'll show them the wiener when I become BobbyBangggBanggg, but that will cost extra because in the words of the Bella twins, "You can look but you can't touch!" I must be making my mom so proud by writing this. Don't worry, no matter how desperate I am to make money and pay bills, I ain't rolling around like crippled magic mike for pervs with cripple fetishes online. Although, I'm sure whoever is reading this can picture how hot that would look! 

 

Speaking of wieners, I thought of a great invention. For years people have asked me to come up with a million dollar invention for cripples, but last night as I deliriously talked to the girl I call Grandma that works for me at 3am, I finally came up with it. Ladies and gentleman may I present The Wiener Cleaner!!It's basically a fleshlight and dear god don't make me explain what that is, but instead of using it to get off, you could use it as a car wash for your wiener. It will work for the elderly, cripples like me, or nasty ass dudes that don't clean their wiener. Of course I'm not going to explain the design or explain how it works because then you'll steal it from me. I already have the slogan for it though, "Don't make your partner or wife be meaner, get yourself a Wiener Cleaner!" ... For the low low price of $39.99+ shipping and handling. Mt first commercial will be Call- 1-800- WIENER, Wiener Cleaner gets your Wiener Cleaner. Okay so I totally stole that from the Stanley Steamer Carpet Cleaner commercial, but it's catchy and you will definitely remember it! 



Okay so I've only been obsessed with JoJo for 2-3 weeks, I don't know exactly when it started, but once again Stoney Beroni made it happen. I mean she told me that little JoJo I remembered from '04 was suddenly very angry, and singing songs called, "Fuck Apologies" and "FAB" (which stands for Fake Ass Bitches) and I didn't believe her, I didn't believe it was the same girl that was telling me to get out right now, and that it was just a little too late. Well not only are these songs her, but she's all hot and angry, and ho-ish now, and I am loving every second of it! Did I mention side boob in one of her videos? SIDE BOOB! You can never go wrong with a little side boob! So yeah, I've made it my goal to meet her. I don't know how it will happen, and I don't know when it will happen, but it will happen with my cripple powers of persuasion. I tweet at her almost everyday for the past 2 or 3 weeks, I bought two copies of her latest CD, and yes they still have those things for Stoney Beroni and I, and you wanna know what my next tattoo is going to be? FAB! Probably right across my chest where my heart is. Sure, I'm playing up my cripple-ness on Twitter and Instagram to try and meet her, by slightly exaggerating how sick I am, but I mean she is on my bucket list of people to meet before I die, and she would be my Make A Wish if I was still a kid and had not already done it. Well I haven't gotten her attention yet, but I've gotten lots of likes, shares, and retweets on social media from fans of hers. So I'm hoping I'm making progress. "Baby, there's a lot of freaky shit running in my mind that I can't say, but I know I can demonstrate and let my body explain." And with lyrics like that, I think you can understand why I like her. 

 


 Also, because I love documentaries and I really love all those 30 for 30 documentaries on sports that ESPN does, I was recently watching one about guys who played as replacement players for the Washington Redskins when the real NFL players went on strike I believe in '87. Yeah I actually felt bad for these guys because most of them this was their only chance to play in the NFL, but of course all the real NFL players gave them shit for crossing the picket line and being scabs. Yeah the movie is called, The Year of the Scab. If you want to watch it. Seriously though, the Redskins were the only team to use all replacement players for the three weeks the players went on strike, during that time, those players led the Redskins to the division lead and eventually when the real players came back, that team won the Superbowl. Yeah, none of those players have stats in the Redskins or the NFL's history books and worst of all, the ones that weren't kept after the real players came back never got Superbowl rings, weren't recognized as Redskins Alumni and have never been asked to come back, appear, or even been invited to any player reunions. Yeah it's sad and fucked up... my favorite example was the quarterback they signed and took directly out of jail to play, and as soon as the strike was over he had to go right back into jail because he no longer had a job to qualify for work release. Anyway, two of those relacement players for the Redskins now live and work in Connecticut. One is a rich, real estate developer in Stamford, and the other one is a teacher / head football coach at North Haven High School. They said they hate being labeled and called scabs... but guess which high school is playing Cheshire in football this Friday? Yup, you guessed it, North Haven. Are Grandma and I going to go just to yell scab at the guy? Probably, because I'm an asshole! Goodnight Kevin!