I hate Stoney Beroni. I mean I really fucking hate her. I just spent a half hour writing the first paragraph of this glorious blog post, and her dumb ass deleted it in 5 seconds. Still haven't figured out how she managed to highlight the whole thing and delete it, but this is why I want to hire @TheRealKimmieBenson... Not sure what this says about me, but did you know @TheRealKimmieBenson rather work for a murderer than me? Swear to god, don't know what that says about me, but I feel like if I had feelings they might be hurt! I mean I know I could be a mentally abusive, rude, insulting, forcing people to steal $350 from me allegedly to fly to Florida and go to mental health rehab, but I never killed anybody. I mean I have killed some insects in my life, and one time I ran over a snail.. its as gross as it sounds, and I really wanted to kill the ex wife. I even thought of ways how, but I haven't done it... yet! But you know what happens Stoney Beroni and @ThRealKimmieBenson when you delete my whole blog post? You know what happens when you pick murderers and Shop Rite over me? YOU JUST MADE THE BLOG!!
Anyway, back to what I was writing. So yeah, I got rejected from being a porn star. Okay, technically not a porn star, a "webcam model" but we know it's basically the same thing. I even have my name picked out. It's going to be BobbyBangggBanggg! Alas, another dream crushed after I received this email.
What the hell? I'm already registered to all the websites they are affiliated with? First of all, does that mean BobbyBangggBanggg could live to roll on? Second, when the fuck did I register to become a webcam model? Do I have a split personality where I registered to be BobbyBangggBanggg and I just don't remember? I mean I only registered because I knew it would make for a funny blog post. Plus, and man am I really shitting on Stoney Beroni today, but I wanted to prove to her that it was a stupid get rich quick scheme that wouldn't work, and in fact most people make shit money from it, and deal with creepy fucks like me on it. But yeah, I'm a little insulted by this because they let the second mom do this (or so she says)and she looks like this...
If nasty ass people pay to see her, then I'm pretty sure there are some weirdos out there who would pay me to roll around shirtless in my chair to Rights Said Fred's I'm TOO sexy to fulfill their cripple fetish fantasies. Quick side note, she shockingly didn't pay me back because you know three payments of $60 every other week, that we agreed to is apparently too much, so I guess I'll be suing her and her mom in small claims court/ trying to get on People's Court or some similar type of show. I mean I'm still being nice and cutting her a break because she technically still owes me $200 and I was only asking for $180... But yeah it's going to be a lot more now for all the anxiety, and emotional distress she has caused me. I might need her to fly me to rehab in Hawaii or Arizona this winter so I can undergo some health treatment for all the problems she has caused me. Also, random, but going back to the original part of this paragraph, I'll show them the wiener when I become BobbyBangggBanggg, but that will cost extra because in the words of the Bella twins, "You can look but you can't touch!" I must be making my mom so proud by writing this. Don't worry, no matter how desperate I am to make money and pay bills, I ain't rolling around like crippled magic mike for pervs with cripple fetishes online. Although, I'm sure whoever is reading this can picture how hot that would look!
Speaking of wieners, I thought of a great invention. For years people have asked me to come up with a million dollar invention for cripples, but last night as I deliriously talked to the girl I call Grandma that works for me at 3am, I finally came up with it. Ladies and gentleman may I present The Wiener Cleaner!!It's basically a fleshlight and dear god don't make me explain what that is, but instead of using it to get off, you could use it as a car wash for your wiener. It will work for the elderly, cripples like me, or nasty ass dudes that don't clean their wiener. Of course I'm not going to explain the design or explain how it works because then you'll steal it from me. I already have the slogan for it though, "Don't make your partner or wife be meaner, get yourself a Wiener Cleaner!" ... For the low low price of $39.99+ shipping and handling. Mt first commercial will be Call- 1-800- WIENER, Wiener Cleaner gets your Wiener Cleaner. Okay so I totally stole that from the Stanley Steamer Carpet Cleaner commercial, but it's catchy and you will definitely remember it!
Okay so I've only been obsessed with JoJo for 2-3 weeks, I don't know exactly when it started, but once again Stoney Beroni made it happen. I mean she told me that little JoJo I remembered from '04 was suddenly very angry, and singing songs called, "Fuck Apologies" and "FAB" (which stands for Fake Ass Bitches) and I didn't believe her, I didn't believe it was the same girl that was telling me to get out right now, and that it was just a little too late. Well not only are these songs her, but she's all hot and angry, and ho-ish now, and I am loving every second of it! Did I mention side boob in one of her videos? SIDE BOOB! You can never go wrong with a little side boob! So yeah, I've made it my goal to meet her. I don't know how it will happen, and I don't know when it will happen, but it will happen with my cripple powers of persuasion. I tweet at her almost everyday for the past 2 or 3 weeks, I bought two copies of her latest CD, and yes they still have those things for Stoney Beroni and I, and you wanna know what my next tattoo is going to be? FAB! Probably right across my chest where my heart is. Sure, I'm playing up my cripple-ness on Twitter and Instagram to try and meet her, by slightly exaggerating how sick I am, but I mean she is on my bucket list of people to meet before I die, and she would be my Make A Wish if I was still a kid and had not already done it. Well I haven't gotten her attention yet, but I've gotten lots of likes, shares, and retweets on social media from fans of hers. So I'm hoping I'm making progress. "Baby, there's a lot of freaky shit running in my mind that I can't say, but I know I can demonstrate and let my body explain." And with lyrics like that, I think you can understand why I like her.
Also, because I love documentaries and I really love all those 30 for 30 documentaries on sports that ESPN does, I was recently watching one about guys who played as replacement players for the Washington Redskins when the real NFL players went on strike I believe in '87. Yeah I actually felt bad for these guys because most of them this was their only chance to play in the NFL, but of course all the real NFL players gave them shit for crossing the picket line and being scabs. Yeah the movie is called, The Year of the Scab. If you want to watch it. Seriously though, the Redskins were the only team to use all replacement players for the three weeks the players went on strike, during that time, those players led the Redskins to the division lead and eventually when the real players came back, that team won the Superbowl. Yeah, none of those players have stats in the Redskins or the NFL's history books and worst of all, the ones that weren't kept after the real players came back never got Superbowl rings, weren't recognized as Redskins Alumni and have never been asked to come back, appear, or even been invited to any player reunions. Yeah it's sad and fucked up... my favorite example was the quarterback they signed and took directly out of jail to play, and as soon as the strike was over he had to go right back into jail because he no longer had a job to qualify for work release. Anyway, two of those relacement players for the Redskins now live and work in Connecticut. One is a rich, real estate developer in Stamford, and the other one is a teacher / head football coach at North Haven High School. They said they hate being labeled and called scabs... but guess which high school is playing Cheshire in football this Friday? Yup, you guessed it, North Haven. Are Grandma and I going to go just to yell scab at the guy? Probably, because I'm an asshole! Goodnight Kevin!
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