No, I seriously need to know. I don't know what the fuck a Halsey is, but apparently she is a super big deal and everyone that works for me loves her and wants to see her in concert, which kind of just makes me hate her even more. See, I mostly stopped listening to current pop music about two years ago because it sucks more than Mike Myers movie career lately. Yeah, but apparently she is a super big deal or something and my mom got free tickets to see her at Mohegan last Friday and like I said everyone that works for me wanted to go see her. I was told she was a lesbian, but apparently not because on Friday it was her birthday and her boyfriend allegedly came on stage to surprise her and I'm now dumber for having written all this may God have mercy on my soul! But who knows maybe she pretends to be straight or maybe I just imagined that she is a lesbian because now everyone that works for me is denying that they said that.
Anyway, of course Big Boobs McGee called dibbs on the free tickets. Did I mention though of course she still had to be a selfish and ungrateful bitch this week. Yeah, I give you extra hours every week, don't say anything when you text my other workers to come in an hour later because god forbid you lose out on 2 hours a week, and I helped you turn your entire life around when you were heading way down the wrong path! Not to mention, my mom drove all the way to Mohegan to pick up those tickets for you and your friend because I don't know what the fuck a Halsey is, and I rather watch Vinny Beedle do stand up for an hour straight then listen to that garbage. Don't worry Vinny Beedle I still think you're the comedic equivalent of hot garbage that's just how much I don't want to see a Halsey. But, you know for all the shit she talks about my other workers not filling out their time sheets properly and how dumb they are for it, she was pissed this week when she didn't get her overnight check for the 15.5 hours she worked. Well, when you talk shit and then I notice that you didn't fill out an overnight sheet am I going to go out of my way to make sure you had one filled out? Oh no no no, said Paul Heyman. Then Allied only paid my workers for 1 week instead of both on Friday, so of course she was pissed about that too! Yes, it's my fault Allied paid no money to any of you for the second week because I went over my total hours by three. Yet, when you go to all your EDM drug festivals, I mean music, you have no problem missing out on hours and work and staying up all night. I mean I'm pretty sure the only reason you signed up for the overnight in September (I make my workers sign up for weekend overnights so I have six women bitch at me less than they normally do, so one person isn't giving up every weekend) is because I called you out and posted your time stamped 2:30 am snapchat video of you quading while drunk and waxing your guy friends butthole. Did I mention she tried to claim she can't possibly stay up past 1 am before that?!? I got blocked on her snapchat because of this, but it was totally worth it. All I'm missing out on is27 bathroom selfies at EDM festivals while she's half naked and tripping balls or 30 consecutive 10 second videos of a Halsey performing at Mohegan. it will be tough and I shed a lot of tears and I haven't been this heartbroken since the ex wife blocked me on snapchat, and I could no longer watch her dance in the Burger King parking lot and picking up homeless guys to make amateur porn with, I mean give them somewhere to spend the night allegedly. But somehow I survived that, so I think I might survive this! By the way, do you think she has ever thanked me for all the things that my family and I have done for her over the last four years... WAIT FOR IT...... OH NO NO NO!!!
Three exclamation points to end that last paragraph, that's how you know it's serious! On Thursday, I decided to leave the house for once. Why, because for some reason Foxwoods decided to offer me 2 free tickets to see The Script. No, I don't spend massive amounts of money at the casino anymore, that money now goes to boats and hoes, mostly boats, somewhat hoes. Just kidding! It goes to all the debt I acquired over the years from spending too much money at the casino. Anyway, I was surprised they offered them to me so I took them. On top of that, I got decent seats, the powers of being a cripple! Well they had like seven or eight songs I already knew to my surprise, and at one point the lead singer went out into the crowd, and much to my surprise this happened, by the way Stoni Beroni ate some serious edibles before she came her and started typing this with me.. So I might be done with this before my next birthday September 3, 2018. Anyway, this happened;
Stoni Beroni is just as dumb as Grandma is because they both don't know how to type a colon... I tried to tell them to lay off the weed, but the good part is it destroys their short term memory so much that they won't remember me constantly saying it after they type/read it. For the record, do whatever you want but judging by the generation of rocket scientists set to start running this country I'm pretty sure it makes you dumb as shit! Anyway, back to The Script, he scared the poop out of me because all of a sudden I looked up and the lead singer was standing there. Plus, of course it had to be the song I didn't know the words to, but luckily it was during the "ooohhhh" part of the song so with all the breath I could manage in my 1.5 and 50% lung functionality I have I yelled "Ooohhh" into that microphone... And that's how my comedy career ended and my career as a singer in The Script began. On top of that I won $100 on the slot machines that night, and I was even smart and used the money to pay a bill. Now considering the luck I have with these two things happening I'm assuming I'm about to get hit by a bus or crushed by a Billboard sign to even it out.
Just to prove this theory, the hot water heater in my house decided to shit the bed yesterday. It's as awesome as it sounds because when it comes to showering I now have two options. I can take a freezing cold shower with no hot water like the have nots on a season of Big Brother, or I could fill up buckets of water and microwave them before pouring them over myself. You're welcome America for getting to picture that! I chose the second option, which takes forever and half the time the water is still freezing anyways! But I got to wash my hair so I don't or smell like what I imagine Daniel Bryan smells like... Yes I'm a huge fan of his, but he looks like a dirty hippy/ goat and he loves to brag about how environmentally friendly he is so I imagine his bathing habits are similar to mine right now. Seriously, he still works for WWE and his wife did too for several years. Yet, they are proud of the fact that their house is less than 1/3 the size of John Cena's guest house, they grow their own organic vegetables in their backyard, it uses compost made of their own shit, and he doesn't want his baby daughter to wear disposable diapers because they are allegedly bad for the environment. I wonder if him and my mom are related? Yeah, we need a new water heater, but since my mom can actually qualify for an episode of Extreme Cheapskates I'm guessing we shall get it around my 40th birthday if I'm still rolling around this Earth, which is around September 3, 2025. It's great that you can take a shower and do laundry at my grandmas house before we also qualify for an episode of Hoarders, but meanwhile I get to freeze my balls off until that blessed day in 2025. We also can't wash dishes which is as appetizing as it sounds, and the old hot water heater is leaking right below our living room so every time I go to watch TV it smells like warm cat piss and mold. My uncle is coming over with a "temporary" fix tomorrow which I pray, even though I'm not really religious works and somehow lasts eight years when I could do a new GoFundMe for my 40th birthday. Instead of "Crip Trip to Vegas" it will be Hot Water for Sargent Slaughter... I'm just getting back into comedy again soon so that was the best I could come up with!
Besides comedy, I'm also starting a new product line for Cripple Creations! Wait for it, iiiiiitttt'ss ..... BUMPER STICKERS! Stoni Beroni wrote boner stickers, I don't know what those are, but it sounds terrible! But yeah, I figure they are cheaper to design and make (seriously I already designed and ordered six in a week, and it took me over a year to design and order six different t-shirt designs) and here's what they look like:
Batch 1
Batch 2
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