No, really I am! It's like he knew he was better than the rest of those tool bags, and that was the story of his life (see what I did there?) So he dropped them faster than JT dropped the rest of the guys from N'Sync. Seriously though, when are those guys going to reunite and tour? And I don't mean at the VMA's like 8 years ago for about 2 minutes. Come on just picture it, 50 year old Joey Fatone, weighing about 300lbs at that point, Chris Kirkpatrick and his awful 90's dreads, Lance Bass appealing to a certain male demographic with his hair dyed bleach blonde, shaking his butt in his tight skinny jeans, JC Chasez looking at Justin Timberlake with pure hate and resentment wondering why he wasn't the Justin Timberlake of the group, and of course the star of the show and the only reason why anyone would still show up.. Justin Timberlake all singing BYE BYE BYE... while a bunch of minivan driving, soccer mom's scream and piss their pants reliving those glory days! I'm pretty sure I went to high school with some of those girls, and NO that is NOT a compliment! See, just think about those two guys. They knew they had a good thing, but they could do so much better so they got out before it was too late! Unlike my heroes Zayne and JT, I know I have a decent set up here, but I can't get out even if I want to. Yes I know I used to come off (okay I still do) as an unappreciative douche. I appreciate the fact that I am able to live at home and not a state run nursing home/ living facility, because the care there is 100 times worse than the care I get provided between the state paying for half and luckily my mom can afford the other half of it somehow! And yes I know it's my fault because I hire the people that work for me, but sometimes they make it really hard to like them.
This past weekend is a great example as to why... where do I begin? Thursday afternoon, of course, when the ex-wife is supposed to be working the next day from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. she decides to tell me that she has a doctors appointment the next day, and of course she can't come to work. At first she lied and said she could do the 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. shift, but of course that changed when I told her I'd actually need her at that time. So the Creepy Canadian shockingly said she could work from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. which truly was shocking because she comes to work for me now about as often as I have a positive balance in my bank account! Of course, since everyone that works for me is an anal retentive spaz, she had to remind me oh, about 687 times that she could not stay past 1 that day. Also, of course nobody could come in until 5, which turned out to be 6 because Robert plans and God laughs...hence why I'm an atheist! And I did not want to ask my Mom to leave work early (luckily she came home at 4) so I was only by myself for 3 hours. But here is the best part- even though she reminded me 687 times that she couldn't stay past 1, she stayed until 1:15 so I could finish my drink even after telling her 3 times she could leave. However, then I made the fatal mistake of asking if she could take another oh, maybe 2 or 3 minutes to brush my teeth so I didn't have to wait 5 hours to do so. "OH NO, NO, NO!" She screamed in her best Paul Heyman impression. So let me get this straight, you insist 687 times that you have to leave at 1 p.m., I tell you 3 times to leave at 1 p.m, only for you to insist that you can stay another 15 minutes, but you can't stay another 2 or 3 minutes after that to prevent me from having hot garbage breathe...YEAH, THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE TO ME!!! Did I mention that the ex-wife, Grandma, and the Creepy Canadian always cry about how poor they are to me? Yet, whenever I offer them an extra shift, do they pick it up? OH NO, NO, NO! You know who does ironically pick them up? The girl that works full-time at a hospital, the girl who has a sick one year old at home, and the girl who has a full-time job at a group home caring for patients way worse off than me! Seriously though, in the past 96 hours do you know how many hours the 3 that cry poverty have been here?...Oh, about 13 hours between all 3 of them, and that's being generous. Yes, I know, I'm a lazy piece of shit, and yes, I know I blow my money on hoes and gambling, and yes, I bitch about everything on here...but ladies, here's a little advice: Don't cry to your boss about how poor you are, and then literally turn down every extra shift and money that he offers you so that you can basically pick your butt, get drunk off your ass, pop some pills, and get so fucked up you can't even remember your own name. Then you turn around and spend the little bit of money that you make on alcohol, cigarettes, "medical" marijuana, illegally obtained prescription medication, clothes, makeup, you know, all the important shit in life..Not bills or food. Then you wonder why you have to wipe your ass with coffee filters, swear on my dead father, one of them told me they did that. Seriously, I can't make this shit up!
Of course, then the ex-wife texts me last night saying she has some massive flu with 104 degree fever, and is on IV meds, saying that they're keeping her in the hospital, so obviously she's not coming to work for the next couple days. But so glad I gave her the specific Monday through Friday schedule with all the specific hours she asked for, and do you think she has worked one of those full weeks yet? OH NO, NO, NO! Then while she has a 104 degree fever she texts me that she loves me, and she didn't find it funny when I asked her if that was the fever talking...because she never responded after that. hahaha. People wonder why I'm an angry, miserable asshole. Well these last few paragraphs are a great reason why. If I could, I would be living in Florida or Arizona working as a journalist/writer and doing comedy on the side, but ya know, since I'm in a massive amount of debt I'll never get out of, and there's a better chance of me walking to Florida than my Mom ever leaving this fucking state and moving there, I'm going to be trapped in this miserable hell hole forever, surrounded by anal-retentive alcoholic, pill popping, anything smoking, psychiatrists saying they're beyond helping, coffee filter ass wiping assholes!
Speaking of all the comedians in Connecticut...you thought I was talking about my workers in that last sentence? Okay, I was, but it can also apply to the majority of comedians in this state. That's why I had to take a break from comedy for a while. Yes, I went into it knowing I was going to be handicapped to an extent, yes, pun intended! But seriously, I worked my ass off for a year performing in 3 different states, begging, pleading, and bribing friends and family to come see me at some shithole restaurant/dive bar/broken down comedy club, and no, I was never in it for the money, but even though I made a whopping $50 once and sold a total of 3 shirts after my shows, making $60 profit, I guess I'm going to sound like an arrogant prick, but I was fucking killing it at those shows! I mean, literally, people would come up to me and tell me after every show how funny I was, and not just other comedians who were trying to be nice, I mean complete strangers from the audience who I've never met before. Yeah, so I only ever got 5-10 minutes, but that's because that's all I could usually get, and even then, I was basically paying to get that stage time because I had to bring usually 3-4 people at $10-20 a ticket just to get those 5-10 fucking minutes! I thought slavery was outlawed in the 1880's, but not if you're a comedian in Connecticut I guess. Yes, there were open mics with no bringer requirements that I drove all over the state for to perform at usually for about 10 drunk people that weren't listening to anything that anyone was saying. Did any of this make a difference and get me not even a paid gig, but maybe some stage time without bringing people, or god forbid a paid gig, or maybe even a fucking weekend show? OH NO, NO, NO! I get the usual bullshit, I look different, I sound different, so let's just avoid the disabled guy in the room even though he's the funniest one getting the biggest laughs, sometimes even bigger laughs than the headliner- yeah, I fucking went there. Most of these comedy clubs or comedy shows are located in places that are impossible or near impossible for me to access so I can perform at, nevermind actually get on a fucking stage. Which I've been able to do 2 times in the 50+ times I've performed. But I'm funny, I know I'm funny, and yes I know there are plenty of funnier people than me in the world, but just because I'm disabled and it might look and sound different, and I might have to sit in front of the stage instead of on it, one year in 2 comedy in New England I feel like I should have made more progress than I did. But ya know, since I don't stay after shows to kiss the other established comedians asses, like I keep saying, and because I look and sound different and can't just roll onto a stage without help, I feel like I'm being handicapped from oppurtunities, yes pun intended. Here is a perfect example, there's a pretty famous comedy club around here, and yes I've heard to get more stage time and god fucking forbid a paid show, you have to perform there multiple times, and prove that you can make different audiences laugh with all different kinds of jokes. I have performed at this location probably more than any other, but do you think the booker at this place has ever approached me once about performing outside of a shitty bringer show...OH NO, NO, NO! I'm lucky if I get more than a hello out of him every time I perform there. "Competition" shows are a joke too. Yes, the ones I've performed in had funny people who deserved to win money way more than I did, I have no problem admitting that, but what I do have a problem with is that those people didn't win either! Ya know who wins those "competitions"? The comedian that is the biggest asskisser, I mean friend, of whoever is booking/organizing the show. But yeah, that's why I had to take a 3 month break from comedy in Crapnecticut. I don't know if any comedy people even read my angry thoughts. And no, I'm not mad at anyone specifically, sadly, it's just the way the world works, but I know some people are going to get butt hurt reading this but grab some coffee filters to wipe away that pain because I don't give a shit if you're mad at me for writing this. the only reason I'm getting back into comedy starting on November 9th is because I love it and I miss performing, but sadly getting big laughs and being repeatedly told I was the funniest at shows, I know I'm probably not going to make much progress with turning it into a way to make a living. That was the other reason I had to roll away for 3 months, I had to do thing, ya know, that paid me money so I could pay those hoes and loan sharks. Anyway, after that lovely review of comedy in New England, come see me perform at Comix at Mohegan Sun on November 9th at 10 p.m. Tickets are $11.73 total, and can be purchased here.
Until next time, don't forget if you run out of toilet paper to wipe your ass- there's always coffee filters...or just use this guy's face!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment