Is anyone else offended by that song as I am? Look it up you dumb millennials and grandmas. It's almost as offensive as the song "Short People" by Randy Newman. Seriously, that song is hilarious, but so offensive. For those of you not cool enough to know, Randy Newman was a one hit wonder from the 70s. He's even in the One Hit Wonder section of the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. I know, I went there once. That was the best part of that trip. That and I purposely rammed a car that parked too close to the ramp on my van at the time. The fucked up part is, as offensive and un-politically correct the song "Short People" is, the same guy that wrote and sang that has written and even won Oscars for several songs he wrote for Disney movies, most notably "You Got A Friend In Me" from Toy Story...which was forever ruined for me by Family Guy. Look up the clip. I am not explaining it on here!
Sorry grandma and most of my other faithful readers, this post is mostly going to be about wrestling. If you don't like it, too fucking bad. I never asked you to read it anyways. As I previously mentioned in my last post, I started making bumper stickers to sell along with my t-shirts for my Cripple Creations business. So, the first three bumper stickers I designed arrived this week. I'll post them below this paragraph, but one is making fun of my disability by writing "Handicap On Board" instead of "Baby On Board".
The other two had to do with James Ellsworth and Heath Slater, yeah I know they are two of WWE's lamest wrestlers and that is why I like them so much. I figured they do not have a lot of merchandise, so other weirdos like me who are huge fans of theirs, might want an option to buy something with them on it for cheap...I mean come on it's only $5! You can purchase one online here:
Anyways, since I'm a social media whore, after the first three designs arrived I put them all over Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and tagged James Ellsworth and Heath Slater in them. I never thought I would actually get a response, but much to my shocking surprise Heath Slater retweeted my tweet at him. I'm glad he found them as funny as I did. If you are not a fan of wrestling, his saying is that he needs a job as a wrestler, after he went as the only undrafted wrestler to Raw or Smackdown. Every week he would lie and say he had more and more kids, and that is why he needed this job. So, I made a spoof of it since it's a bumper sticker and wrote, "I need this vehicle, I got kids" with his picture and similar style font that he has on his WWE shop t-shirt. But, yeah, now that Heath Slater retweeted me, my life has peaked. There's really no coming back from that. Sure, one time on Christmas last year, James Ellsworth tweeted at me, but Heath is such a bigger deal haha! Anyway, here is the picture of the retweet below and the two other bumper stickers.
Just so you know grandma, when James Ellsworth first came to WWE, he fought a guy who was 7ft tall and 400lbs. When they asked him how he was going to win, he said, "I truly believe that any man with two fists has a fighting chance!" Yes, James sucks and never wins matches without tons of help, and technically was the first winner of the first ever female Money In the Bank ladder match, but that's what makes him awesome. So, yeah, what I wrote is just a spoof of my wheelchair/cripple van by saying, "Any man with four wheels has a fighting chance!" Also, I think his days might be numbered because he's been reduced to being led around on a dog leash by Carmella, but I'm going to enjoy him while he lasts.
Speaking of days that are numbered, I recently got asked by WWE to fill out a very interesting survey. The first part asked on a scale of 1-5 how big a fan I was of particular wrestlers, 1 being the worst and 5 being the best, there was also an option for Never Heard of Them, which with me being the crazy fan that I am, is not a good sign for you if I have not heard of you. There were some interesting names on there. Here are the ones that I said I hated...Mojo Rawley, Baron Corbin, Apollo Crews, and I know there were a few more, but that's all I remember. The ones I said I loved were Bayley (even though they have ruined her character since they brought her up from NXT), Brie Bella (I was shocked she was on there because she retired), The Miz and Maryse...everyone they asked about fell somewhere in the middle for me, except for James Ellsworth and Heath Slater. They both got 5s too, obviously. The second part asked how often I watch the weekly shows, attend WWE events in person, and how much I would be willing to pay to meet specific wrestlers. Obviously the ones I gave bad scores, I said I would never pay to meet, and the ones I gave the highest scores, I said I would pay over $200 to meet. The lowest option besides I would never pay to meet them was $50-99. The highest was over $200 I believe. Obviously, again, everyone else they asked about fell somewhere in the middle. I wasn't surprised that names like Goldust, R-Truth, and Rhyno were on there. I was very surprised that names like Kevin Owens, Seth Rollins, John Cena, and AJ Styles were on there. I'm assuming they want people to fill out the survey to see who draws people in to watch them on tv, sell merchandise, and prove people are willing to pay a lot to meet certain wrestlers. I'm also assuming the ones that did not get very high scores might be out of a job soon or working for Global Force Wrestling, ROH, or Lucha Underground or one of the several Japanese promotions. So, yeah, between a lot of big names rumored to be coming up from NXT soon and the survey from WWE trying to figure out who people like, I'm thinking a decent amount of current WWE wrestlers will either be fired or not signed to new contracts. Again, if anybody reading this that doesn't know me, don't take this too seriously, it's just my thoughts and opinions.
Finally, Hell in A Cell is this coming Sunday, and while there are a few matches I'm excited for, I gotta say it's time for the Jinder Mahal experiment as WWE champ to come to an end IMMEDIATELY! First off, he was so lame and came out of nowhere so fast to become WWE Champ that while all the other wrestlers have their logos on the sides of their championship belt, Jinder didn't even have any merchandise in the WWE shop website at the time. For example, Dean Ambrose had the "DA" symbol, AJ Styles had the "P1" symbol, and John Cena had the "U Can't See Me" hand symbol. Since Jinder had no logo, at first, his belt just said his name. I noticed after a lot of people talked shit about it, they finally changed it. Below is a before and after photo:
Second, rumor has it that he became WWE Champ so fast because the company was trying to appeal to their third largest fan base in India...in case you are wondering the US and England are one and two. Yeah, slight problem with that...Jinder is from Canada. Yeah, I think his parents might have originally been from India, but he was born and raised in Canada...I don't think Inidan fans are going to get behind a Canadian wrestler pretending to be Indian. Third, they even tried to salvage it by having the Great Khali help him win and get over with Indian fans because you know the Great Khali is actually from India. But, it was weird and awkward, like the majority of the Great Khali's wrestling career. You see he's so tall and heavy that he can barely walk let alone wrestle, so yeah, he shows up randomly to help Jinder keep the title by choking Randy Orton for what seemed like 5 minutes, while Jinder slowly climbed out of the Punjabi Prison Match. While it was nice to see somebody besides the Singh brothers interfere and help Jinder win/keep the title (because God forbid he legitimately ever won a match without help, yes that's how bad he sucks)! It was strange that the Great Khali just showed up that one time to help him and basically say, "Hey people of India, you love the Great Khali because he's actually from here, so now that we paid him to help Jinder win a match one time, now you have to love Jinder too!" Fourth, Jinder, before he was ever considered to be champion, lost to crap-tastic wrestlers like Mojo and El Torito who was a midget that dressed like a bull. Fifth, judging by his massive muscle gain and tons of backne, I'm guessing he's on some major steroids. Not that they aren't all probably, but why are you rewarding one of your crappiest wrestlers with one of your biggest titles? Lets put it this way, RAW's biggest title holder is Brock Lesnar, and Smackdown Live's is JINDER FUCKING MAHAL!!! You see, he sucks so bad that he is the Smackdown Live Heavyweight Champ, and he is NOT headlining their next Pay Per View Hell In A Cell. Hell (haha see what I did there?) but he's not even, I think fighting Shinsuke Nakamura for the title in Hell In A Cell. So let me get this straight, Smackdown Live and WWE, you have the USOS, and The New Day fighting for the tag titles in Hell In A Cell, and you have Kevin Owens fighting Shane McMahn (yes the owner's son) fighting in the main event in Hell In A Cell.... But you have your biggest title holder at a Pay Per View named after this specific Hell In A Cell match fighting a regular match against a guy who has been on the roster for less than 6 months in the middle of the card in a regular wrestling match. That's some great writing and planning in the WWE! I haven't seen such well thought out wrestling stories and ideas since WCW circa 1999-2000, and Global Force Wrestling AKA Impact Wrestling in its current format. That would be the subject of my next blog post... but here's a preview, basically the writers and producers in a deperate atempt for meetings and sales threw a bunch of shit at the wall to see what would stick. Some of these ideas included a Viagra on the Pole match, one of the wrestlers mom's on a forklift match, and David Arquette (yes that David Arquette the actor not wrestler) as WCW Heavyweight Champion... Who might only be the second worst main champion of a major wrestling company after Jinder! That's just me shitting on WCW, don't even get me stated on the affairs of Impact Wreslting! Until then only YOU can prevent forest fires, so stop throwing your god damn cigarette butts in my driveway and in front of my house ex wife and worker I have not come up with a nickname for yet!
No comments:
Post a Comment