I Did Not Hit Her... Oh Hi Mark!

Since I'm always broke and never leave the house anymore, I have to come up with ways to entertain myself. Well, boy oh boy did I find a great way last night. Luckily, me being a hermit and never leaving the house finally paid off. Although, this week I am crushing it by going to the eye doctor tomorrow, and independent wrestling show on Friday at a high school in Waterbury. Honestly, sometimes the people watching at wrestling shows is more entertaining than the wrestling show itself. Yes, the WWE ones I go to have some winners in the crowd, but the independent ones are even more entertaining. Why? Because yes, there are some former famous wrestlers from WWE, and TNA, or whatever the fuck they're calling it now... But a lot of the guys and sometimes girls are from around here and wrestling for a hand shake, ten dollars, and a hot dog. Which sadly is more than I get when I do comedy shows, and have to pay just to get on stage. However, I have already written about that enough in my blog posts bitching about it. But yeah, I shit you not, one time I went to an independent wrestling show, and this lady who was definitely a grandma was yelling and screaming the whole time because dare I say it was still real to her dammit. She was also surrounded by her grandchildren, but that didn't stop her from yelling obscenities at all the heel (bad guys) wrestlers. So yeah, that's why I'm going, plus I get to meet Jack Swagger and Christian, and I got two tickets for $40 and spent $50 to meet them, which is still way cheaper than what it would cost to get two tickets and meet two WWE wrestlers at one of their shows. Sure I could have used that money for Christmas presents for all of my relatives, who hate me anyways, and my friends haha stop laughing they're real in my mind, and I could have finally bought that engagement ring for JoJo, or @therealkimmiebenson. You know, Stoney Beroni's way cooler, and more attractive younger sister. Her and Jojo were the only things I was grateful for this year on Thanksgiving! (here's the tweet if you don't believe me)
 

 But yeah if I used that money to buy Christmas gifts for people that I wouldn't be the ungrateful selfish cripple bastard that people like to remind me I am all the time. If any of my relatives are reading this, I'm being sarcastic, I know you don't hate me... most of the time!



Anyways that paragraph above was rambling on and incoherent, just like the movie I watched last night taking me back to my original point. Yes, this movie came out in 2003, and yes all the cool people that think they're cool for liking it, have already blown up social media and created a thousand memes about it, but man is this movie fanfuckingtastic! It's called The Room, and stars some crack head named Tommy Wiseau... Here's a picture of him with Kris Jenner I found for some reason.
 

When I was researching it, one film professor called it the Citizen Kane of terrible movies and man is he right! I have no idea how this got made, how it cost $6 million to make when I could have shot a better movie on a couple of iPhones, and big boobs mcgee and stoney beroni could of written a better script when they were at one their shows doing party favors, but yeah somehow it got made for $6 million, and I highly recommend you see it as soon as possible. My description will not do it justice, but I'll write about some of the highlights. First of all, the guys who wrote, produced, directed, and starred in it based it off a 500 page play/book he wrote which shockingly never got produced. Not really sure how he came up with this money to make it, literally no one knows. His friends claim it was from his real estate development business, but judging by the way he looks and acts, I'm guessing drug dealing and sex trafficking. Yes, so highlights include: At one point the girlfriends mom just randomly throws in a conversation that she has breast cancer, and her daughter tells her just to forget about it. For some reason four of the guys in the movie are dressed in tuxedos one day with no explanation as to why, and they randomly decided to go outside to start throwing around a football with each other in their tuxedos.This random couple shows up at the main characters apartment, with no explanation as to how they know the main characters, and just so they could bone in their apartment everyday. There are literally two, yes two sex scenes that use the same film footage and cheesy porno music, and they guy is clearly fucking the girl's belly button. Also for some reason it's randomly raining in these sex scenes when it had been sunny outside minutes before, and there is also random flowers used in theses scenes for some reason. At the end the main character kills himself, but for some reason before he does this he starts humping the dress of his ex girlfriend that just left him for his best friend. Also, right before he kills himself, he hears his girlfriend and best friend saying they don't like him anymore and they're going to ditch him for each other. However, after he kills himself , the best friend calls the girl a whore and says he no longer wants to be with her. Well that changed fast within literal minutes! Also for some reason, she gets him drunk and lies and telling everyone that he hit her while he was drunk. The next day he goes storming up to the rooftop of his building, yelling, "Lying bitch, I did not hit her!" And then suddenly, he sees his best friend, and just goes, "Oh hi Mark" and the two never talk about why he said that. Also, one day Mark and him go to a random coffee shop and after he tells Mark that he can't talk about the new client he got for the bank he works at, he just randomly blurts out, "So how's your sex life?" Before Mark gives a real answer, he just up and leaves. I'm starting to understand why he is screwing  your girl. There is plenty of other great moments, but I don't have time to describe every aspect of a 90 minute movie. Don't worry for some reason I will pay the $12-15 it is going for on Ebay for some reason, to get the DVD which I would happily watch with you upon request.

 

Rumor has it, fuck you Adele. Now that song will be stuck in my head, but yeah anyway... Rumor has it the brilliant mind behind this movie also wanted his character to be a vampire, but somehow they talked him out of it.He also supposedly fired several actors and actresses, probably the best thing that has happened to them, built several sets that did not need to be built, and filmed the movie with two different types of film, which required two film crews to help him to make this movie. So yeah, that is why I'm guessing it costs $6million to make. He also had a giant billboard up on a main street in Hollywood for five, yes five years advertising the movie. For some reason he also put his home phone number on the billboard so after you went and saw the movie, you could call him and tell him what you thought of it. I could only imagine how brutal that had went!I would look up the number, but I don't trust myself in what to do with it if it actually still works.  I forgot to throw this in, but besides his girlfriend lying about being pregnant with the explanation of it will make things more interesting when she breaks up with him. Right before that, without explanation as to who he is or even what his name is, this random guy walks in the apartment and finds the girlfriend cheating on the main character with his best friend. Supposedly this character confronting this cheating hoe, had to be written in with no explanation because the character in the movie that the scene was original written for, ran out of time to film the scene, because he did not want to quit his regular job. Probably the best fucking decision that guy ever made!



But yeah because they are just as fucked up as me, James Franco, his brother Dave, and Seth Rogen have made a movie about this movie called The Disaster Artist. James Franco fucking nails his performance as the main character in the movie. This movie looks awesome, and I'm dying to see it when it comes out to most movie theaters this friday. It is supposedly so good that it is also getting some serious Oscars buzz. I watched an interview with the Franco brothers and Seth Rogen and besides making the movie sound even more awesome, they guy from the original movie The Room has a cameo at the end. Don't worry he called James Franco to get his approval for the glasses he wears,in the scene that he is in along with the mustache he drew on with a sharpie, I shit you not!Supposedly he is working on a script about gay porn stars with a $20 million budget. Which I'm sure will get made any day now, the funny part is that James Franco and Seth Rogen said they would be down for being in it, and based on what a fantastic movie The Room is, I can't blame them! So maybe I'll go out twice next weekend because I can't wait to watch The Disaster Artist. "YOU"RE TEARING ME APART LISA!" Look it up assholes, it's the best part of The Room... Until then watch out for Muppet aids!

Foxwoods Gives Me Diarrhea

Normally I would write a huge rant about why I hate the ex wife, because she is an annoying, lazy, piece of shit, but it took Stoney Beroni 5 minutes to type this sentence... ya know cause the weed is legal in Colorado... plus I already have 37 posts about why she's a useless lazy piece of shit. So fast version, before I get to the main topic. She claimed yesterday she couldn't take me to Foxwoods, even though I had a $165 job lined up if I went there, because she had diarrhea, I shit you not, pun intended because she had diarrhea. Yet while she was here she was doing her hair and make up so she could go out and hang out with whoever she's fucking this month, ah that's probably too generous, maybe this week. I hope he / she is rich, yeah she's into both, and could afford to pay her bills since she's always coming up with reasons to not come work for me, or actually not have to do anything while shes at work. I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she did screw an autistic guy all of last summer, who had money, clearly the reason why is because she loved him. Haha I almost fell out of my chair telling Stoney Beroni to write that. It's because he has money, let's be serious! But what do you expect from someone who is bitching all the time about how annoying her roommate is, but has no problems with the fact that her roommate pays the entire rent on their condo and expects her to drive an hour to my house in the middle of the night to drop her off cigarettes at 1 am. Yeah she sounds like such a horrible psycho to me. Yeah I may be an asshole for writing all of this, but I never left someone in bed til 5pm with no food, water, or going to the bathroom all day... But yet, she claims I'M the emotionally, abusive asshole. Also, as she likes to remind everyone, if we were never in a relationship how can I have emotionally abused you? It's funny, because when I tell her in order to try and get along better we could go talk to a therapist about the problems we have with each other and get an unbiased opinion from the therapist. She just screams, "WE WERE NEVER IN A RELATIONSHIP SO I'M NOT DOING THAT!" Yeah thank god we were never in a relationship... and I'm an Atheist, but whatever you are doing with your STD infected vagina, doesn't mean a therapist couldn't help us get along better, but my guess is you're afraid they will actually tell you you are an emotionally abusive piece of shit who has done horrible things to me (yes I fully own that I have done horrible things to her as well) But since you only surround yourself with people that tell you what you want to hear, it probably wouldn't end well for you, and that's why you always say no. So yeah, that and fuck you, you selfish whore for not wanting to give me a shower at 9pm last night because you had to take selfies in my bathroom and not ruin your hair and makeup. It's funny though you couldn't take me to Foxwoods because you had diarrhea, hopefully whoever you are screwing is into that. I mean the ex wife will do anything for money, so who knows! I don't know why but this is the first image that came up when I googled diarrhea and Foxwoods, and I thought it was funny.









WWE released James Ellsworth today. FUCK YOU WWE! Fuck you hard! And with the ex wife's STD infected vagina! He was a saint on the devil's playground. I will not be getting out of bed tomorrow because I haven't been this upset since ABC cancelled Life Goes On... Look it up assholes, it was one of the greatest shows on television!!! Well, it might be easier to meet him now at an Independent Wrestling show. Also, besides not shaving this month, I will now be wearing my two James Ellsworth t-shirts for the rest of the month because I'm in mourning. Any cripple with four wheels refuses to stop protesting until the man with two fists has a fighting chance in another wrestling company. Oh well, at least Jinder finally lost the belt to AJ Styles, just when I had faith that WWE secretly knew what it was doing, you drop the Ellsworth nuke on me... IT'S STILL REAL TO ME DAMMIT!!

 

So I randomly thought of this topic the other day. Being a one hit wonder in the music industry must suck balls, but know what would suck balls even more? Being a one hit wonder twice, so here are five musicians who were one hit wonders in a group and then as a solo act in the United States:

     

5. House of Pain/ Everlast - Yeah so I'm starting this list for all you white trash music fans out there. I'm making fun of myself so don't get butt hurt. I saw Everlast a few years ago, and judging by the other songs he did, I get why he was a one hit wonder, because they were fucking boring and terrible. I'm pretty sure he was drunk and high during his whole show. Yeah I mean I don't really care because it was a free show at the Wolf Den at Mohegan Sun, but seriously I had to wait a fucking hour just to hear him sing What It's Like aka Whitey Ford Sings the Blues (don't ask why it's fucking called that) but it was like dude everyone came to hear you sing that so just fucking sing it already! He was also in the Rap group House of Pain, which had the white trash douchebag frat guy, party song of the early 90's with Jump Around. If you don't know it, kill yourself.


  

4. O-Town/Ashley Angel - Okay, so, people like me who are obsessed with O-Town ( I have seen them in concert several times and have met them twice) know that they were the original band on Making the Band, before Puff Daddy ruined it and made it all ghetto. Technically, O-Town was more than a one hit wonder, but judging by the idiots who work for me only one song of theirs is still recognized and has stood the test of time from dumb millennials and that is All Or Nothing. Ashley Angel was the Justin Timberlake of the group. He even had a reality show of his own on MTV, and a minor hit by himself several years later because of that show. He also thinks he is too cool to tour with the rest of the group now because he's done some Broadway plays, and I guess hasn't reached the point of desperation like the other O-Town guys of yes were old and yes this is embarrassing but dammit it makes us good money and pays our bills so we will do a tour of Six Flags across America's Theme Parks 15 years after our last hit.  I forget what Ashley Angel's one minor hit was called so I'm looking it up and it is called Let You Go, and nobody remembers it so here's my pictures with O-Town and not him.

 
 

 

3. Gnarls Barkley/ Cee Lo Green - Okay so, I made this status the other day. "I know I’m 10 years late, but someone explain the difference to me between Gnarles Barkley and @CeeLoGreen." And then kill me for wondering this. ‬And yes, while I am 10 years late wondering this, I unfortunately found out the answer and unfortunately no one killed me for wondering it. But yeah, basically, Gnarls Barkley was a group the CeeLo was in with Danger Mouse and they has the hit Crazy about 10 years ago. Then years later, Cee Lo had that hit F U that got played into the ground and became super annoying after a while. He then got a little more famous because he was a judge on the Voice for a while. Then he got accused of being a rapist/ sex offender and that solidified his twice one hit wonder-dom!

  

2.  Red Rider/ Tom Cochrane - Okay I'm going to confess, I have no idea who Red Rider was, but apparently they were a huge rock band in Canada in the early 80's, and had one hit on Alternative radio stations in the 80's called Lunatic Fringe. Now since I love me some Dean Ambrose, I can only assume he took his inspiration from this one hit wonder 80's Canadian rock band. Also, when Dean Ambrose first came up in Florida Championship Wrestling before WWE called their developmental league NXT for some reason he had long pink hair, which is even more awesome, and here's a picture of it. He also has his ear pierced and twitter devoted to that fact and here is a picture of it as well. Anyway, Tom Cochrane was in Red Rider before going solo and having one hit in the early 90's called Life Is A Highway. If I have to have one more idiot that Rascal Flatts sang it first, I am going to scream. No, their redneck country version of it sucks, and they ripped it off from this guy. I swear Becky, look it up!

  

1. Dru Hill/ Sisqo - Okay, I had to look this one up because I know nothing and I mean NOTHING about 90's R&B music except maybe for Usher and Brandy. Yes, like O- Town, Dru Hill apparently had three hit songs as a group,but Stoney Beroni only remembers one of them, so that makes them a one hit wonder in my eyes. Their one big song as a group was called In My Bed, and I know absolutely nothing about it, and I rather write another blog post about bitchface and the ex wife than talk about this song. Moving on, one of the musicians in Dru Hill was Sisqo. And unless you lived under a rock in 1999-2000 then you know he had the one hit song called the Thong Song. Yes, it's as stupid and terrible as it sounds, but Who Let the Dogs Out was also a one hit wonder at that time too. I personally would like to blame Sisqo and The Baha Men for the death of the music industry as it once was known. the reason why the group / Sisqo is the number one entry on my list is because Sisqo was in my opinion a one hit wonder not once, not twice, but three times! But Robert how is that possible? Well, Lydia, let me tell ya how. According to Stoney Beroni, he had one hit in Dru Hill with In My Bed, according to me he had one hit as Sisqo with the Thong Song, and according to Jesus Christ, he had one hit with Will Smith and some other musicians with that Wild Wild West song that went with that awful movie by the same name. Yes, Will Smith was not a one hit wonder, but that was his only hit with Sisqo, Kool Moe Dee, and Stevie Wonder... So that makes Sisqo a once, twice, three times you're a one hit wonder and that's why he's number one!

Fuck you very much, and have a great night!