I Did Not Hit Her... Oh Hi Mark!

Since I'm always broke and never leave the house anymore, I have to come up with ways to entertain myself. Well, boy oh boy did I find a great way last night. Luckily, me being a hermit and never leaving the house finally paid off. Although, this week I am crushing it by going to the eye doctor tomorrow, and independent wrestling show on Friday at a high school in Waterbury. Honestly, sometimes the people watching at wrestling shows is more entertaining than the wrestling show itself. Yes, the WWE ones I go to have some winners in the crowd, but the independent ones are even more entertaining. Why? Because yes, there are some former famous wrestlers from WWE, and TNA, or whatever the fuck they're calling it now... But a lot of the guys and sometimes girls are from around here and wrestling for a hand shake, ten dollars, and a hot dog. Which sadly is more than I get when I do comedy shows, and have to pay just to get on stage. However, I have already written about that enough in my blog posts bitching about it. But yeah, I shit you not, one time I went to an independent wrestling show, and this lady who was definitely a grandma was yelling and screaming the whole time because dare I say it was still real to her dammit. She was also surrounded by her grandchildren, but that didn't stop her from yelling obscenities at all the heel (bad guys) wrestlers. So yeah, that's why I'm going, plus I get to meet Jack Swagger and Christian, and I got two tickets for $40 and spent $50 to meet them, which is still way cheaper than what it would cost to get two tickets and meet two WWE wrestlers at one of their shows. Sure I could have used that money for Christmas presents for all of my relatives, who hate me anyways, and my friends haha stop laughing they're real in my mind, and I could have finally bought that engagement ring for JoJo, or @therealkimmiebenson. You know, Stoney Beroni's way cooler, and more attractive younger sister. Her and Jojo were the only things I was grateful for this year on Thanksgiving! (here's the tweet if you don't believe me)
 

 But yeah if I used that money to buy Christmas gifts for people that I wouldn't be the ungrateful selfish cripple bastard that people like to remind me I am all the time. If any of my relatives are reading this, I'm being sarcastic, I know you don't hate me... most of the time!



Anyways that paragraph above was rambling on and incoherent, just like the movie I watched last night taking me back to my original point. Yes, this movie came out in 2003, and yes all the cool people that think they're cool for liking it, have already blown up social media and created a thousand memes about it, but man is this movie fanfuckingtastic! It's called The Room, and stars some crack head named Tommy Wiseau... Here's a picture of him with Kris Jenner I found for some reason.
 

When I was researching it, one film professor called it the Citizen Kane of terrible movies and man is he right! I have no idea how this got made, how it cost $6 million to make when I could have shot a better movie on a couple of iPhones, and big boobs mcgee and stoney beroni could of written a better script when they were at one their shows doing party favors, but yeah somehow it got made for $6 million, and I highly recommend you see it as soon as possible. My description will not do it justice, but I'll write about some of the highlights. First of all, the guys who wrote, produced, directed, and starred in it based it off a 500 page play/book he wrote which shockingly never got produced. Not really sure how he came up with this money to make it, literally no one knows. His friends claim it was from his real estate development business, but judging by the way he looks and acts, I'm guessing drug dealing and sex trafficking. Yes, so highlights include: At one point the girlfriends mom just randomly throws in a conversation that she has breast cancer, and her daughter tells her just to forget about it. For some reason four of the guys in the movie are dressed in tuxedos one day with no explanation as to why, and they randomly decided to go outside to start throwing around a football with each other in their tuxedos.This random couple shows up at the main characters apartment, with no explanation as to how they know the main characters, and just so they could bone in their apartment everyday. There are literally two, yes two sex scenes that use the same film footage and cheesy porno music, and they guy is clearly fucking the girl's belly button. Also for some reason it's randomly raining in these sex scenes when it had been sunny outside minutes before, and there is also random flowers used in theses scenes for some reason. At the end the main character kills himself, but for some reason before he does this he starts humping the dress of his ex girlfriend that just left him for his best friend. Also, right before he kills himself, he hears his girlfriend and best friend saying they don't like him anymore and they're going to ditch him for each other. However, after he kills himself , the best friend calls the girl a whore and says he no longer wants to be with her. Well that changed fast within literal minutes! Also for some reason, she gets him drunk and lies and telling everyone that he hit her while he was drunk. The next day he goes storming up to the rooftop of his building, yelling, "Lying bitch, I did not hit her!" And then suddenly, he sees his best friend, and just goes, "Oh hi Mark" and the two never talk about why he said that. Also, one day Mark and him go to a random coffee shop and after he tells Mark that he can't talk about the new client he got for the bank he works at, he just randomly blurts out, "So how's your sex life?" Before Mark gives a real answer, he just up and leaves. I'm starting to understand why he is screwing  your girl. There is plenty of other great moments, but I don't have time to describe every aspect of a 90 minute movie. Don't worry for some reason I will pay the $12-15 it is going for on Ebay for some reason, to get the DVD which I would happily watch with you upon request.

 

Rumor has it, fuck you Adele. Now that song will be stuck in my head, but yeah anyway... Rumor has it the brilliant mind behind this movie also wanted his character to be a vampire, but somehow they talked him out of it.He also supposedly fired several actors and actresses, probably the best thing that has happened to them, built several sets that did not need to be built, and filmed the movie with two different types of film, which required two film crews to help him to make this movie. So yeah, that is why I'm guessing it costs $6million to make. He also had a giant billboard up on a main street in Hollywood for five, yes five years advertising the movie. For some reason he also put his home phone number on the billboard so after you went and saw the movie, you could call him and tell him what you thought of it. I could only imagine how brutal that had went!I would look up the number, but I don't trust myself in what to do with it if it actually still works.  I forgot to throw this in, but besides his girlfriend lying about being pregnant with the explanation of it will make things more interesting when she breaks up with him. Right before that, without explanation as to who he is or even what his name is, this random guy walks in the apartment and finds the girlfriend cheating on the main character with his best friend. Supposedly this character confronting this cheating hoe, had to be written in with no explanation because the character in the movie that the scene was original written for, ran out of time to film the scene, because he did not want to quit his regular job. Probably the best fucking decision that guy ever made!



But yeah because they are just as fucked up as me, James Franco, his brother Dave, and Seth Rogen have made a movie about this movie called The Disaster Artist. James Franco fucking nails his performance as the main character in the movie. This movie looks awesome, and I'm dying to see it when it comes out to most movie theaters this friday. It is supposedly so good that it is also getting some serious Oscars buzz. I watched an interview with the Franco brothers and Seth Rogen and besides making the movie sound even more awesome, they guy from the original movie The Room has a cameo at the end. Don't worry he called James Franco to get his approval for the glasses he wears,in the scene that he is in along with the mustache he drew on with a sharpie, I shit you not!Supposedly he is working on a script about gay porn stars with a $20 million budget. Which I'm sure will get made any day now, the funny part is that James Franco and Seth Rogen said they would be down for being in it, and based on what a fantastic movie The Room is, I can't blame them! So maybe I'll go out twice next weekend because I can't wait to watch The Disaster Artist. "YOU"RE TEARING ME APART LISA!" Look it up assholes, it's the best part of The Room... Until then watch out for Muppet aids!

Eat Shit and Die

Trashboat never accepted my friend request.....fuck that bitch she is dead to me. I had big plans for her and putting her in my comedy routines but now she is just that one random tennis shoe you see on the side of the highway sometimes.

Anyway, yesterday I was bored so I went to Foxwoods to watch the finals of the New England Patriots cheerleader auditions. What? You are surprised? Have you not read this blog to hear how creepy and weird I am! It was free and it was open to the public in my defense and thanks to another worker biting the dust, which I'll write about in a minute, I was fat and depressed....mostly fat somewhat depressed...so I needed something to do to get me out of the house. See by the bitch quitting on Friday when she was supposed to be here that night, I had to cancel yet another show, plus the piece of shit van was leaking oil anyways. Hopefully it gets fixed tomorrow because I am going to SmackDown on Tuesday at Mohegan Sun! Before anybody says it, ill just say it, my mom bought my workers ticket and my friend bought his and my ticket. I currently have $-1500 between my two bank accounts, 4 maxed out credit cards, and a maxed out paypal credit. So yeah....any help you want to send my way to my new van fund would be greatly appreciated. Click HERE!!  You know before bill collectors and fat Tony start coming to my house looking for me, the bill collectors have already started calling.

Yeah so they Patriot cheerleader tryouts were fun to watch for all the perverted reasons you can think of. Minus the annoying frat guys who stood behind me making a running commentary about what was wrong with each girl, which is funny because you know none of those guys could get any of those girls who were on stage unless they slipped a roofie into their drink as frat guys like to do, ALLEGEDLY!! But seriously...they were fat and gross. As were a lot of people there, it was way more fun people watching then watching the hot girls on stage. First of all there was two guys in the crowd, one looked like Dolph Ziggler from WWE and the other looked like The Miracle Mike Bennett formerly on Impact Wrestling. I don't have any pictures of the look a-likes sorry to say. But here are the real guys they look like.

Then there was the women who used to be hot, I'm guessing they were either the moms of the girls trying out or former Patriot cheerleaders themselves reliving their glory days which is just sad on so many levels. Either way they were dressed way too inappropriately for woman of their age and they smelled like old lady perfume, why do old women feel the need to bath in old lady perfume? It doesn't hide the fact that you are trying to relive your glory days by smelling like a hooker. The problem is, you no longer look like a hot hooker, you look like one of those crack whore hooker. Also, to really sound like an asshole, judging by some of the family members and attendants, I feel sorry for these girls future boyfriends, husbands, or girlfriends hey I don't judge, because if they look like their moms or whoever these women were in 20 years it'll be like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin puts on after shave for the first time and yells really loud because it burns so bad...except it will be their eyes burning.

Plus I hate the Patriots so I don't feel bad writing this, I am a die hard Giants fan and for some stupid reason they don't have cheerleaders. Thanks dad. The Jets have cheerleaders and they are pretty fucking hot and all of his friends growing up were Jets fans, but oh no you had to root for the Giants and brainwash me to root for the Giants. This is just sarcasm people don't take this too serious. But I think whoever judges the Patriots cheerleaders maybe a wee bit racist. There were like 3 Black girls out of the 95 finalists and 2 of them went right at the beginning so you completely forgot about them, no Asians that I saw, who doesn't love a hot Asian and there might have been some Hispanics but honestly some of the girls were so orange from their bad tanning habits that I couldn't tell if they were Hispanic or just trying to get a part as an Oompah-Loompah in the next reboot of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory or they are trying to be the presidents next future wife. Melania is getting up there in age it's almost time for him to trade her in for a new younger hotter version as he likes to do every so often. Ivana Trump anyone? Look it up millennial's! Of course at the end each girl got one minute to go up and choreograph a dance number to a song of their choice. A lot of them were songs I have heard several times back in my crazier days back when I was a strip club regular. Probably because the girls who don't make the cut will be working there soon. But to make it more awkward one of the 3 Black girls danced to Fever and was basically humping the floor for 30 seconds out of her minute long dance. Okay I know NFL cheerleaders are supposed to be hot and nice to look at but be a little subtle about it, don;t literally dance like a stripper especially for your final dance in front of the judges. Then there was that awkward moment when contestant 78 never showed up so they played her song while the other girls on stage at the time awkwardly stood there before one of the hosts finally explained that the girl who was supposed to dance to that song never showed up. Not that I care but what were you doing number 78 that was more important than this? You literally stood in line for hours to try out to be a Patriots cheerleader, made it to a 1/95 final list and basically had a 33% chance of making the team just to not show up for the final audition! I know I've blown some big opportunities but damn girl, you gone fucked up!

For whatever reason, the judges decided to have all the finalists tell a random fact about themselves while they calculated their final choices. Apparently out of the 95 finalists, 60 go to a two week boot camp before they pick the final 34 girls for the roster. I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea to bring these girls out one last time to tell random facts about themselves but who ever it was should be shot immediately no questions asked because it was every bit as awkward as it sounds. Some of the facts were so lame, not sure if it's because the girls were so stupid or just live that boring of a fucking life that even all the random perverts friends and family members in the audience hardly clapped or there was dead silence. My top 3 faves...the girl who said she was trying out for the 9th time and would never give up. My inner gay black man came out when I heard this and I yelled - Oh honey no! If they haven't picked you by now, they are never going to plus not that I should talk because I am 31 but if you have been trying out for 9 years, that means you are at least 27 now, it's time to give up the dream. Another girl claimed she could hit the bulls eye on a target from 50 yards away with a bow and arrow, is it wrong that I wanted her to prove this? No seriously I wanted her to prove it. Mostly because I think she was full of shit and the tools that were hosting this stupid event would have probably got impaled by an arrow. My personal theory is that she watched the Hunger Games before her auditions, couldn't think of anything, so just lies and pretended she was the next Jennifer Lawrence. Finally the best one and there is no topping this EVER!! Was the girl who bragged that she started a charity for people in 3rd world countries by sending choreographers over to these countries to teach them how to dance.....yeah I'm sure starving people who barely have any clothes or shoes to wear  really appreciate their dance lessons but I'm thinking they want help with more important things like food, clothing, shelter, and not being murdered slash seeing all their female family members raped by the war lord who is currently running that country. Just a theory, unless there is some fucked up version of Dancing With The Stars in Africa where the winner gets to feed his village for the rest of their life. Then by all means go for it! Yes I know I am going to hell, I accepted this fact a long time ago. Here's a video of her charity choreography put to good use...

To top off that wonderful night, I came home and watched Lockup: Extended Stay. What the fuck else am I supposed to watch at 4 am on Sunday morning? Normally, I get bored with this show pretty fast, if you have seen one rapist/murderer make toilet hooch and a shank out of a toothbrush, you've seen them all...but not that night. Thank God I kept it on! For upon that night, or early morning depending on how you look at it, I met Krak Rok. For those of you not cool enough to know, Krak Rok was one of the featured prisoners in the episode, who when not serving hard time, is a "rapper" that wears clown make up for some reason and calls himself Krak Rok because according to him, all good musicians have to do drugs. And he wanted to be subtle about it... When I looked up Mr. Krak Rok on the Youtubes, I was not disappointed. I found this lovely video.





First of all, This fucker has almost 800 subscribers to his Youtube channel, and his videos have been viewed over 50,000 times. By comparison, I have 1 subscriber and about 100 views on my Youtube channel. That doesn't make me wanna kill myself or anything. But yeah, first of all the song is called "Eat Shit and Die". I was trying to find the one called "Pig Farm" but I couldn't! Second, why is his face painted like a baseball. Third, it looks like he's performing in someones basement or a divebar for about 5 people, and I thought some of my comedy show locations and audiences were sad. His were worse! See the fat guy rocking out in the background? He was one of the guys that came to pick Krak Rok up when he got released from prison. Sadly, this was probably the highlight of these guys lives. And now they sit back in their shared prison cell and think back to that one time seven years ago, that they were on a show on MSNBC that airs on weekends at 4 in the morning. There's probably hundreds of people watching. What? He hasn't posted a new song since 2012 so I can only assume him and his fat friends went back to jail to do some more crack rock. Oh and here is the lovely bio he wrote on Youtube about himself...

"I am a artist and I paint with my tongue killer kazoo is where I hail from, gun ru

 616 I Impale sum Morlock records is what I rep son"

Don't forget to donate here... and if you would like to donate to me in person or buy one of my 

hilarious shirts, here are my upcoming performances... 

Tuesday 4/4- Dangerfields Comedy Club in NYC. Tickets are $15 @ the door

Tuesday 4/11- Hartford Funnybone Open Mic. Free show @ 7:30pm

Tuesday 4/18- Dante's in Stratford. Free show @ 7pm, you just have to buy food and drink

Friday 4/21- Cabot Comedy Club in Chicopee Mass @10:30pm. Tickets are $10 and can be

purchased online or at the door.

Thursday 5/4- Comix Mohegan Sun @10pm. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased online or at the door. 

Thursday 5/18- Comix Mohegan Sun @10pm. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased online or at the door.

gofundme.com/robertsnewvan