Aiden English, The Drama King of WWE, also known as my inspiration. Sorry I haven't written in a while. My computer like pretty much all the technology in my house shit the bed for a week. Plus, you know, I was too fat and lazy to ask Stoney Beroni, who types as slow as a turtle or grandma who hears as well as an actual grandma, or any of the MENSA Members that work for me to write one of these. Plus last week when we had that crazy storm with high winds and heavy rains, I crushed it on Stringr selling videos despite Stoney Beroni not wanting to risk our lives and dodge falling trees while they fell on houses and cars all around us. What a fucking bitch! Of course, that's why I always ditch her to play video games. However, do you think I have sold any videos since the day after the storm? Oh NO NO NO.... That would make my life too easy, you know actually paying bills on time, and even saving some money up to do something fun.
Per usual, my life was a train wreck this weekend. Not as bad as being ditched by my boyfriend to play video games in the middle of the night, but it was pretty bad. I mostly feel bad, yes, you read that right. I actually feel bad sometimes... Fuck you, stop laughing. But yeah, remember a couple months ago when I wrote about that girl going crazy and quitting on me out of nowhere the night before my birthday? Well, I hired her because she was the wife of someone I grew up with, and was sort of friends with when I was younger. Yeah, so I just found out on Facebook that apparently he passed away on October 24, 2017. Now, I'm not going to try and backtrack and sound insincere, at the time I was mad at him and his wife because I think he made her quit because she was working too much for me, and she just quit an hour before she was supposed to show up, and like I said it was the night before my birthday. Also, trust me I've given people plenty of reasons to quit on me out of nowhere, but not with her. We actually got along and didn't really fight, that's why I was so confused when she quit out of nowhere. But yeah , despite him implying he was going to come beat me up that night for threatening his kids ( which I'm not even that much of an asshole to do) I still feel bad that it ended that way, and we both didn't say nice things to each other and that was our last convo. Truthfully, when we were younger, he was always one of the nicer kids to me growing up in this rich, spoiled brat town. Yes, he had problems, but I think that's why we got along because he got to say and do all the things I wanted to, but couldn't either physically, or because I was always surrounded by adults. Yeah, so not to sound preachy or like I've been watching too much 7th Heaven... Okay bad example, the dad on that show was an admitted child molester... But i'm going to try and take a lesson from this and be a little calmer, and a little less asshole/dickish to everyone. Yes, a lot of people suck and a lot of people do shitty things that will piss you off throughout your lifetime, but you never know the last time you'll see someone and what you will say to them, so just think about it before you write/ complain about everything on social media like I do haha. Out of respect, yes I know that is also ironic coming from me, I'm not going to say his name or what I think happened, but if you are that nosey and need to know, you could figure it out. As JoJo would say, "I'm not going to be a FAB, fake ass bitch!" and delete the post where I talked mad shit about the whole situation so you could figure it out if you find that post. Truthfully, I don't know who or hell I don't even know why, but every post I write on here gets 100 to 200 page views at minimum, so someone is looking at/ reading them. I pride myself in being 100% honest and truthful as far as I see things on here, so I'm not going to go back and censor myself. I write about what is happening in my life at that moment no matter how bad it makes me or anyone else look, because one day, if I ever stop being a lazy piece of shit, I want to write a book using material from this blog. It's on my goal of things to do before I die, to get a book published. This way long after I'm gone, if someone stumbles across it, the will at least get a sense of who I was... an angry, bitter, sarcastic, who's tired of the gossip think he had enough, so he's not worried about putting his middle fingers up to these fake ass bitches!
Speaking of my spirit animal JoJo, Stoney Beroni doesn't believe me, but I'm thinking about doing some spoken word poetry with some of her song lyrics. I think I'll totally get away with it with people thinking they are my own poems. Everyone who goes to those things are baked and their brains are so fried, that they A) won't even get it and B) probably doesn't even know who JoJo is. Plus, I wrote a blog 5-6 years back with some great original poetry of my own lyrics in it, based on workers and friends in my life at the time. You want it, you demand it, hell you probably need it in your life, so I'll see if Stoney Beroni and I could find it when I'm done typing this.
FOUND IT!!! Two Ships Passing in the Night
xoxo hugs and rainbows, kisses and sprinkles,
Me
Two ships passing in the night,
one was wrong,
one was right.
The thought of losing her gave me quite a fright.
Can I go on without her?
I don't know,
I just might.
Even though I wanted to put up a fight.
I realized...
We were two ships passing in the night!
SURE SHE WANTED TO GO TO NORTH CAROLINA...
GO AHEAD, GO ON, I NEVA NEED TO FIND YA
Despite the fact that all I did was wine and dine the girl,
she just left me with a sick feeling,
like I was gonna hurl.
And that's when I saw the light....
We were two ships passing in the night!
Choo Choo Tiny hands, Choo Choo
you are the train that makes me go
CHOO CHOO!
your tiny hands are all i can think of now,
more then that girl and her cow,
you went off to Mass.,
now i fee like a horses ass.
I should have spent more time with you,
now I feel sick,
like I have the flu
Tiny hands,
youre like the shoe laces,
in my shoe
I guess I should have gotten a clue,
HM was not digging my boo
Ill just put her out to pasture,
that go MOO MOO
Tiny hands,
you are the train that makes me go
CHOO CHOO!
bonnaroo should be friends with you, you, and you
i thought it was too good to be true,
til i realized you were nastier than an old pair
of shoes
I guess that should have been my first clue
why oh, why did i not fire you?
sure, we went to the pool,
but then, you made me feel like a fool.
did you think you were cool?
wearing that bikini
that was oh-so TEENIE WEENIE.
once i saw that photo
I was like oh-no
Thats when I knew you had to go out tha dore
thats fo sho!
Future stripper girl
I thought you were a pretty pearl
then i found out you were from Lee,
it made me want to beg and plea.
why cant i find a skank to work for me?
its aiight though,
i found out you had a kid
and thats a no-go
future stripper girl,
we gave it a whirl,
but its back to the start
to find another skank
to steal my heart.
either that or ill just fart,
whatever makes it easier to part
oh my future stripper girl
who was such a pearl,
now i need to go hurl
goodbye my future stripper girl
IM OUT!
**If anyone knows how to get future stripper girl, or someone as skanky to work for me, please contact me at crippleguyheartsskanks@hotmail.com
My Grammy Winning Song
(please dont sue me plain white t's, Im a poor crippled man)
Hey there hot meg
What's it like in Durham linea?
I'm 600 miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Duke University’s lights can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true
Hey there hot meg
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there on skype if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your pretty eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh it's what she does for me
Oh its what she does for me
Oh it's what she does for me
Oh it's what she does for me
What you do to me
Hey there hot meg
I know dukes pa program is gonna be hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with my recorder
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My new chair is good
Hey there hot meg
I've got so much left to say
If every story I wrote for you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all
Oh it's what she does for me
Oh it's what she does for me
Oh it's what she does for me
Oh it's what you do to me
600 miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd wheel to you if I had no other way
Taryn and Rachel will make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That neither of them have felt this way
Hot Meg I can promise you
That by the time that you get through
The medical field will never ever be the same
And you're to blame
Hey there Hot meg
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be writing history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Hot Meg here's to you
I sang this one for you
Oh it's what she does for me
Oh it's what she does for me
Oh it's what she does for me
Oh it's what she does for me
What you do to me.
words by: Robert A. Held copyright 2012. Please do not use without express written consent of Robert A. Held enterprises any broadcasts or redistribution without express written consent will face immediate termination. Ya dig!?
donde est caliente meg?!
Are you strong enough to be my meg? I doubt it but if you think you're up to the task then read these lyrics and holla at a boy, word!
"Strong Enough"
Meg, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
You’d be the last to help me understand
Are you strong enough to be my Meg?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
She left me alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my Meg?
Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave for Duke
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my Meg?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I’m asking for yellow pills in my chair
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my Meg?
Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave for Duke
Speaking of performances I'm rolling back into sit down comedy starting on Thursday November 9, 2017. It's my first show since July, if you want to know why I took a break, but trust me it's not that interesting, just read my last blog post. But yeah I'll be performing at the 10:00pm show at Comix in Mohegan Sun this Thursday. I need 5 people to buy tickets, and show up to see me because not only do I get $5.00 for everyone that shows up to see me, but I'm going to start wheeling myself on the corners of New Haven because I so badly need money. That's right, Bobby Bang Bang is back Bitches! So yeah, if you don't want to accidentally stumble across a porno staring me (hey I was forced to lay half naked in my bed for 2 hours today) buy a ticket here! Check out this hottie stuffing his face! I was even a fat ass when I was two.
I'm also willing to do the Hartford Funny Bone open mic on Tuesday November 21, 2017, because it's free to get in, and you don't have to bring anyone to the performance. After that, can't promise anything because bringer shows suck because you have to make your friends buy mostly overpriced tickets just to line the pockets of some lesser funny comedians, in order to get 5 minutes of stage time at a halfway decent comedy club or bar in the New England area, but don't worry, you can buy a DVD of your performance for the low low price of $20.00, because showing that to my relatives in 2039 is really going to help! Or, you can go to open mic shows that are usually an hour drive from where I live, and guess there's no ticket or certain amount of people you have to bring, but these are generally held on a Monday or Tuesday night for a bar full of angry drunks who went there to get drunk and not listen to you make jokes about your dick or people wiping my ass! Also, I'm pretty sure half of those in attendance at open mic shows are just people who used to work for me because I only hire the best and the brightest. So if that sounds fun to you, feel free to walk or in my case roll into the comedy scene here in New England. It's full of super encouraging people who won't give you a break no matter how funny you are unless you kiss their ass or make tons of money for them, and if you ever dare speak out against them, your comedy career around here will disappear faster than Paris Hilton's fame and Jimmy Hoffa's body... look it up you ignorant fools! So yeah with these encouraging words, totally give it a try. It's about as rewarding as being kicked in the groin... sorry if there was lots of typos in this my attention whore cat kept climbing all over Stoney Beroni and I when we were writing this. This is why I always wanted a dog growing up until my sister's asshole dog woke me up barking at noon today! Fucking stupid dog don't you know I stay up until 5-6 am and sleep til 2 or 3pm like most normal people do... Yes I'm being sarcastic!
No comments:
Post a Comment