So I found out I'm 100% Jewish

I took this quiz on Facebook and I found out that I got a perfect score. I don't know why I know what all these Yiddish terms mean but I guess I speak the language of the Jews, growing up in Cheshire CT will do that. Okay and the worker that helped me take it is also Jewish. But that's not the point, clearly I was paired with the wrong religion. I went to a bar mitzvah when I was thirteen, I even wore a yamikah. They even make Mets ones, I've seen people wearing them at the games! #JewPride

So I think I started drinking too much. You know its bad when the wife leaves this note on your bottle of Captain Morgan. Plus I'm pretty sure I snap chatted things I shouldn't have snap chatted. Good thing they delete after 10 seconds or so, but ya know I heard the NSA still can get access to them. The poor bastard that opens that up. Plus on Tuesday night I was trying to convince my worker to drive me to the casino at midnight. Somehow I ended up in the parking lot at Midstate medical center, don't know why I thought it was a good idea to go there. But my worker caught some great Pokemon on Pokemon go. From there we did a drive by of Gimpys house and honked the horn at 12:30 in the morning, you're welcome Gimpy's neighbors. I then believe I went to the truck stop in Southington before ending up at 7/11 in Cheshire. We then watched a movie on Netflix about a girl with OCD who worked at a hotel and laid under beds while guests were doing it and somehow this made her get into bondage and become a lesbian. Oh yeah, they spoke in German the whole time, did I mention I was eating ramen noodles with Cheeze-its and drinking apple juice? It made a lot more sense to me at the time. I finally stumbled into bed at around 4 am. Why did I wait until I was almost 31 to become an alcoholic. Besides the wife is moving to North Carolina in November, Gimpy and the mom up and peaced on me this week and the person I hired to replace them decided to text me at 1:00 am when they were supposed to be here at 9:00 to say they wouldn't take the job because they were "overwhelmed". Jesus I know I am good looking, but I didn't think it would be too overwhelming that girls couldn't work for me. Maybe it's just because I'm a raging asshole and piss every worker off who reads this. But between that, the wife moving, awkward turtle and big boobs, getting real jobs at the end of the summer I'm just fed up with trying to find people to help me 24/7. I heard the care in state run nursing homes is terrible and psych hospitals, but at least I know I would be miserable and never be happy so I wouldn't keep waiting for things to get better. See this is what happens when my mom cuts me off from gambling, I become a raging dunk asshole who nobody wants to help anymore. Here's the note:

Finally if you want some good comedic television watch the Republican National Convention, it's the only thing I've seen that's whiter than me and I feel like I am an Albino. The only black guy I saw there so far was assisting Bob Dole. Dude lost to Bill Clinton in '96 and is now 93 years old, getting brought up on stage by the one token black guy that was only there to help him. To further disrespect him, they were blaring music and talking in the background the whole time during his speech. But they have to drag his Viagra loving ass, yes he did a Viagra commercial, on stage because the bigger republican names want nothing to do with this years convention because of the human Cheeto, I mean Donald Trump, that they nominated for president. Seriously look at him and then you can probably figure out why the Bushes, senior and junior, and lets not forgot the reject brother Jed, Mitt Romney, John McCain and the governor of Ohio, ya know where the conventions being held, are all not in attendance. The governor of Ohio is so pissed because he lost to Trump and now he has to help organize the convention to nominate him. Sucks to be you bro but wipe the sand out of your mangina and suck it up. It's like I told the wife today, I give up everything you say is right everything you tell me to do is right, and where ever you want to go or not go is the correct place. Let's not forget Melania, not only did she flat out rip off Michelle Obama's speech from the 2008 Democratic National Convention but she dressed like Caitlyn Jenner to do it, but seriously look up her outfit and Caitlyns from the 2015 ESPY awards. See...?

Plus did anybody find it ironic that Trump wants to build a wall to keep out all the Mexicans and ban Muslims from living in the US yet I'm pretty sure his wife is deff not from this country because I can barely understand a fucking word that comes out of her mouth. Don't worry I hate Hilary too, and I will be writing a blog making fun of the DNC next week so far my vote is going to the fresh seafood CEO who keeps having commercials to vote for him for president during Red Sox games. Seems like a totally great idea.

Sit Down Comedian

I am suppose to be writing jokes for my sit down comedy debut on Wednesday but I'm putting it off. They say procrastination is like masturbation, in the end you're just fucking yourself! Yup I won't be using that one. It's suppose to be a charity fundraiser/open mic so I'm trying to keep it PG-13 at worst. I'm feeling fat and depressed today anyways. Most fat, somewhat depressed. My comedic inspiration is leaving because I guess I pissed her off too much. I have a tendency to do that pretty easily. I shall miss her limp and buttface. Who knows, maybe whoever comes along to replace her and possibly the Mom will be even funnier. No I didn't piss the mom off too she just might have to stay at home for a while watching her kid so he doesn't keep getting poop diseases, or Zika virus, or swine/bird flu, or whatever fucking illnesses people are freaking out about these days.


I'm also in a lovely mood today because my jackass of a neighbor decided to start doing construction on his house at 8am on a Sunday morning. First of all, who the fuck does construction starting on a Sunday? Second of all, why were you up so fucking early? Luckily, for now I think it is only a new walkway and steps leading up to his front door. But when you have your windows open and about 100 feet away somebodys sledgehammering, jackhammering, and I don't even know what the fuck else. It's mad annoying! This is the same neighbor that has a dog and despite the weather decides to leave it outside half the time when him and his wife are not home. Therefore, I get to hear their fucking dog bark because he wants to go in and it goes on throughout the whole day. Maybe I'll call animal control just to get them back because I'm pretty sure a dog should not be left outside during the day when it is 90 degrees in July. Oh, and before they got an electric fence for it, they used to just let the dog wander around the neighborhood. Clearly, you do not want this dog, especially if you had a baby so why do you still have it? Unfortunately, Miley or Flappy never fought with him but my sister's dog Teddy did once. The wife practically had to pull Teddy off the neighbors dog because he just sat there and watched and gave no fucks! I'm thinking about hanging up a sign in my bedroom windows that face his house, one will say fuck and the other will say  you!

Plus my mom decided to work out on the treadmill at 8:30 in the morning. It wouldn't be so bad but she turns the volume up full blast on the TV so she can hear it over the treadmill. The door to the basement is also left wide open so after going to bed at 2am because I went to the Mets game last night, I got woken up first at 8am to crashing and banging noises by my neighbor and then a half hour later rewoken up by some crappy Hallmark channel movie! Seriously why are all you crackers up at the ass crack of dawn on a Sunday. Luckily I can sleep through anything, yup I've slept through hurricanes and massive thunderstorms, so after I fell back asleep somehow I slept til 1 haha.

Surprisingly nothing weird happened at the Mets game last night. I didn't get two flat tires driving on the way home. I didn't get a toll booth operator trying to commit suicide by van, followed by a guy from California trying to use an EZ pass that probably expired in 1998. I didn't almost run over a drunk guy trying to impress girls by doing the worm. And I did not upset a random women that works in the Amtrak lounge by moving the chair and not putting it back in the right spot... yes that really happened. However, I did go to a Bees game in New Britain on Friday night and got the crap scared out of me! Why? Well, it might have to do with the fact that THIS was sitting in front of me!

 Yup, it was a three year old Ginger kid... sure he looks cute but he just does that to fool you. Ok, so I'm an asshole and yelled during the game "don't eat my soul"... as if I still have one. But I'm pretty sure his dad didn't hear me or know what I was talking about anyways. Besides, his dad and the other dad, he was there with were horrible fathers! The other dad decided to announce that his two kids had to take a number one and two during the middle of the game. Uhhh, dude nobody wanted to know that. Then he kept telling his kid his own three year old child, not a ginger thank god, that every time a flyball was hit to yell from the windows ..."to the wall". Sir, I'm not sure if you're familiar with the rest of that song, but after that sentence it goes "til the sweat drips down my balls skeet skeet skeet". For those of you don't know I'm not explaining it, but I'll put it this way, that is a song that they are always playing at the strip club! Special shout-out to that lady in the black tank top. She sounded like she smokes a carton a day and was plowing through beers like Flappy plows through cat food. Seriously, she was so fucked up that when she talked it sounded like Chewbacca and Stephen Hawking had a child and it talked like both of them. I couldn't tell you what she was saying but it sounded like the time I ran Flappy's tail over if Flappy was a chainsmoker! It was also really hot to hear here cough up a lung into her beer. Seriously even the lady sitting next to her looked at her to say ma'am are you alright it appears that you are dying. I bet that beer was extra tasty with the lung butter flavored mucus in it. You're welcome for that visual image!

 By the way here's a great photo of me. Don't I look fedorable??

And she's back

Yupppp, Gimpy is back and her curse has already taken effect on me. Originally in my last blog post I wrote something weird/bad was bound to happen since she was taking me to the Mets game last night, and sure enough it did. How did I know? Because this chick is a walking, I mean gimping, disaster! Lets see in the last 3 years she's had a creepy stalker, lost part of her foot in a bad accident that had to be reattached, had more surgeries than I can count, got hand foot and mouth disease even though she is an adult and it generally only affects young children, fell of a 5 foot rock ledge in Spain, hurting her good foot, and has attended more funerals in the year that I've known her than I have in my entire life.  Sooo when she woke me up this morning to tell me that the van had two flat tires, and triple AAA came to put the donut on and that was also flat, was I surprised? Hell no! In her defense, she did tell me a light came on the dashboard when we were driving home. However, neither one of us knew what it ment and I couldn't exactly pull over on the Merritt Parkway in Greenwich at 11:30 at night. First of all, if your not familiar with our shitty highway system in CT the Merritt Parkway is pretty much a death trap. It is 2 lanes and half the exits you have to come to a complete stop when getting on or off the highway. If that isn't bad enough, there are hardly any street lights on the highway and it is surrounded by trees, so every year at least a few fall down, killing people driving by. There's also hardly any room to pull over, even the cops are rarely on that highway pulling people over. Therefore, if I did pull over at 11:30 on a Saturday night during 4th of July weekend, I can pretty much guarantee some drunk asshole would have plowed into us and most likely killed me and somehow Gimpy would have still survived. For the record, the Merritt Parkway is one of the deadliest highways in the United States, I'm not kidding, look it up! Plus what was I suppose to do? Spend the night in Greenwich with Gimpy while sleeping in my wheelchair? First of all, I'm way too poor for that. Second, Gimpy is so OCD about germs that she won't even sleep in my guest bedroom at my house even though she was here for 30 consecutive hours, never mind a random ass hotel room. Plus, I'm pretty sure every auto repair shop is probably closed til Tuesday because of the 4th of July. I could have done what I'm assuming the majority of my workers do, called a cab/uber and then once it dropped us off have Gimpy limp away and myself drive away as fast as possible without paying! Something tells me that wouldn't have worked anyways. My hand probably would have fallen off my controller, my head would have fallen down, and Gimpy would have probably gotten her Gimpy foot run over by me. Or injured her good foot somehow. Here's a picture of the cripple van even more crippled... don't worry this of course is all my fault and then my mom wonders why I want to move out. Go ahead and cut me off and try not to pay for overnight help and sell the van, see if I care because I'm tired of putting up with this bullshit! Poor Charlie will get blamed for everything when I'm not around.

 Oh yeah, I also found out why Gimpy won't eat at my house. She is afraid that my cats will lay on her food while she is eating... says the chick that has two dogs and a cat living in her house. My house is too dirty to eat in because my cats might get into your food, which for the record, they have never gotten into any of my workers food, but your animals are perfectly fine to eat in front of. That makes no sense. Chick needs a shrink. She can't eat, sleep, or poop in anyone else's house but her own, because she is such a germaphobe. Plus, while we were at the Mets game last night she decided to share with me out loud during the game that her aunt Flo came for her monthly visit and she didn't have anything to help with that so she had to shove paper towels down her pants! Yum, just what I was wanting to think about and picture while I'm eating dinner! So then she adds, well at least that means I'm not pregnant. Ewww Gimpy nobody wants to think about you having sex! On top of that, while she is making my lunch today she decided to tell me that she has to run to the bathroom because she might be bloody mary through all her clothes. SO FUCKING NASTY! Why can't she just be like everyone else that works for me and go to the bathroom without telling me why. Like seriously I don't need to know. Last Gimpy story, last night she scratched my hand with the metal part of my seat belt and yelled at me for complaining it hurt, but then when she was getting me ready for bed I scratched her arm by accident with my finger nail and then I had to listen to her complain about how much it hurt.

Then there was the annoying toll booth attendant on the way to the game and on the way home. I'm not kidding, Gimpy and I are 99% sure it was the same guy and he walked in front of the van each way as we were about to go through. Did he have a death wish? Also, was he like ooohh a cripple van let me keep running in front of it to see how quick they can stop and watch the disabled guy's head fall down. It gets better though, because on the way home, this asshole from California, or at least their license plate was from California, could not get their EZ pass to work at the toll. Gimpy and I were legit sitting behind this guy for 5 minutes. I made her angrily honk the horn three times, why? I don't know but it made me feel better for how annoying and stupid and slow he was. Of course, who comes walking over in front of the van to help him? Toll booth attendant that likes to play dodge the cripple van! And he was no help either. It took him more time to figure out how to get this car through the toll then if the guy just floored it and broke the gate. I'm surprised the guy in the car in front of us did not try that, he was so intelligent. When his EZ pass would not work, he tried to back out of the toll lane even though there was a line of cars behind us and when were about to go across the Whitestone Bridge. Um, dude you cannot back up in a toll lane. I am pretty sure there are signs and laws against it, especially in New York, plus they have tolls in California so I am pretty sure that they probably have those laws there too. Plus of course we would pick this lane to go through since Gimpy was driving haha! Here's a picture of the stupid asshole!

Worst Excuse Ever

Soooo Gimpy is back, and while I have not actually seen her yet she has already made her presence more than felt. Since I am an asshole and nobody really ever wants to help me I have been having trouble getting certain shifts covered lately. Now truthfully it's summer so everybody thinks they can just go on vacation or go out and pop pills and get super drunk at raves, we all know which workers I'm talking about. It's alright I'll just train my cats Miley, Flappy, and Charlie to start taking care of me. It's about time those fat lazy assholes earn their keep around my house. Anyway, even though I'm not actually seeing Gimpy until tomorrow but then I am more than making up for it because she's stuck with me for 30 consecutive hours after that. It's going to take everything I have not to drive myself off the Whitestone Bridge on the way to the Mets game tomorrow. Plus, it is Gimpy so something weird or crazy is bound to happen. For example, one time I  had to be rushed to the hospital because of dehydration during a Mets game and it turned out they brought me to Bellevue Hospital. For those not familiar with that hospital, they are known for their fantastic Psych ward, yes I am being sarcastic. Oh and the time I went I was about thirteen and the guy on the hospital bed in front of me, we were both laying in the hallway by the way because New York hospitals take such good care of their patients, was handcuffed to the bed. I am not kidding. Also, the ambulance workers were yelling at people in Spanish to get out of their way when they were trying to wheel me in. Plus, my dad was suppose to follow the ambulance to the hospital but he got lost so I sat next to the handcuffed guy at age 13 near all the crazy/ER patients by myself for an hour at least. I am still traumatized to this day by that hospital trip. Anyway, before she agreed to be stuck with me for 30 straight hours or so, I asked Gimpy if she could help me from 12 to 4pm on the Fourth of July. I will put a picture of fantastic response after this paragraph. That being said, in the 11 years I have had people helping me at my house it was the dumbest response for not being able to work EVER!!! And I've heard some good ones such as... I will be too hungover, my dog died, I have a doctor's appointment even though it was 7pm at night, I am going home and then I run into you at our college campus at the same time your suppose to be home, and the closest to Gimpys:  I have to go to the beach! Gimpy's is better though because she believes she can't help me not because she's going to the beach but because she has to bring her stupid fucking dogs to the beach.  What do they watch the fireworks and build sandcastles with you, while drinking Budweisers which pretends to be American even though its not? For her dumbest excuse in worker history, I'm going to buy her a bag of dum dum lollipops because that was by far the most brilliant excuse for not being able to work ever and I've had two former strippers work for me. Here is said text:
 ]

In other news, not sure how this happened but the wife never ceases to amaze me with her brilliance. She has not gotten mad at me in a while so I guess she will after she reads this.  First, I am watching Wimbledon on ESPN yesterday when she gets here. For those who do not know, Wimbledon is a tennis tournament that takes place in England. The wife looks at the TV and goes "Oh my god that tennis tournament is in CT?" When I asked her why she thought that she said "because it's on ESPN and I drive by ESPN in Bristol all the time." Umm thank god she's beautiful because the lord did not bless her with a big brain. I had to explain to her that ESPN broadcasts sporting events from all over the world, it just happens to be headquartered in Bristol, Connecticut. Ya know, that is why all those giant satellites are in front of the building. Then, earlier this week I was watching Big Brother with her. For those not familiar with Big Brother, it is like Survivor, except the contestants live in a house for 3 months where the viewers can watch them 24/7, and they are cut off from the outside world. During the show, as with most reality shows, they show individual interviews with contestants mixed in with footage of them doing stuff in the house. Well, while the wife was watching they showed a contestant with a beard being interviewed and talking about something he was doing in the house at the same time. Not realizing that 99% of TV shows are not live, the wife could not figure out for the life of her why this guy did not have a twin at the house. She could not understand how she heard him talking about himself while they showed video of him doing what he was talking about. Lord help me! It was truly sad I can not for the life of me explain to her why that is just one guy not a set of twins on the show. Finally, when hippie love child went to put me to bed last night, I noticed that when the wife had put me in the chair she had someone put half of my bottom seat belt through one of my shorts legs and snapped it into the other side. Yes, I know I am dumb for not noticing that she did this either, but how the fuck did she get half my seat belt inside my shorts and still find a way to click it together? I would have taken a picture but I don't think anyone wants to picture something down my pants haha.

Last but not least, as I write this, my mom is watching Magic Mike, or the sequel. Yes I know what it is called, but the fact that I know what it is called makes me want to kick myself in the nuts, so I refuse to write it. Isn't the movie about Male strippers? What the fuck happened in the first movie that there was need for a sequel script to be written? I thought the whole point of the movie was to have "hot" guys dancing around naked or practically naked while fat old ladies screamed their head off.  90 minutes of this was not enough? They need to make another 90 minute version? I know Hollywood is desperate for movie scripts these days but this is hardly a movie that will ever come close to winning the Academy Award. Not only is she watching both but she downloaded them on demand. Needless to say, she does not need to save those two for me when she is done watching them. Maybe it is payback for all the gross TMI information she has had to read about me in this blog. It's almost as bad as the time she asked me to not delete 50 Shades of Grey after I watched it. What? It has a lot of naked girls in it... even though she looked like a little boy and had the dumbest ending ever. I really don't think that movie was romantic so I don't know why all these women are creaming their pants over it, I thought that guy was creepy as fuck. If he wasn't rich, everybody would just think he was a creepy rapist. But hey whatever floats your boat man. Here's a awkward photo I took of the tv while my mom was watching Magic Mike. I don't want to know what the fuck was happening in this picture!