And she's back

Yupppp, Gimpy is back and her curse has already taken effect on me. Originally in my last blog post I wrote something weird/bad was bound to happen since she was taking me to the Mets game last night, and sure enough it did. How did I know? Because this chick is a walking, I mean gimping, disaster! Lets see in the last 3 years she's had a creepy stalker, lost part of her foot in a bad accident that had to be reattached, had more surgeries than I can count, got hand foot and mouth disease even though she is an adult and it generally only affects young children, fell of a 5 foot rock ledge in Spain, hurting her good foot, and has attended more funerals in the year that I've known her than I have in my entire life.  Sooo when she woke me up this morning to tell me that the van had two flat tires, and triple AAA came to put the donut on and that was also flat, was I surprised? Hell no! In her defense, she did tell me a light came on the dashboard when we were driving home. However, neither one of us knew what it ment and I couldn't exactly pull over on the Merritt Parkway in Greenwich at 11:30 at night. First of all, if your not familiar with our shitty highway system in CT the Merritt Parkway is pretty much a death trap. It is 2 lanes and half the exits you have to come to a complete stop when getting on or off the highway. If that isn't bad enough, there are hardly any street lights on the highway and it is surrounded by trees, so every year at least a few fall down, killing people driving by. There's also hardly any room to pull over, even the cops are rarely on that highway pulling people over. Therefore, if I did pull over at 11:30 on a Saturday night during 4th of July weekend, I can pretty much guarantee some drunk asshole would have plowed into us and most likely killed me and somehow Gimpy would have still survived. For the record, the Merritt Parkway is one of the deadliest highways in the United States, I'm not kidding, look it up! Plus what was I suppose to do? Spend the night in Greenwich with Gimpy while sleeping in my wheelchair? First of all, I'm way too poor for that. Second, Gimpy is so OCD about germs that she won't even sleep in my guest bedroom at my house even though she was here for 30 consecutive hours, never mind a random ass hotel room. Plus, I'm pretty sure every auto repair shop is probably closed til Tuesday because of the 4th of July. I could have done what I'm assuming the majority of my workers do, called a cab/uber and then once it dropped us off have Gimpy limp away and myself drive away as fast as possible without paying! Something tells me that wouldn't have worked anyways. My hand probably would have fallen off my controller, my head would have fallen down, and Gimpy would have probably gotten her Gimpy foot run over by me. Or injured her good foot somehow. Here's a picture of the cripple van even more crippled... don't worry this of course is all my fault and then my mom wonders why I want to move out. Go ahead and cut me off and try not to pay for overnight help and sell the van, see if I care because I'm tired of putting up with this bullshit! Poor Charlie will get blamed for everything when I'm not around.

 Oh yeah, I also found out why Gimpy won't eat at my house. She is afraid that my cats will lay on her food while she is eating... says the chick that has two dogs and a cat living in her house. My house is too dirty to eat in because my cats might get into your food, which for the record, they have never gotten into any of my workers food, but your animals are perfectly fine to eat in front of. That makes no sense. Chick needs a shrink. She can't eat, sleep, or poop in anyone else's house but her own, because she is such a germaphobe. Plus, while we were at the Mets game last night she decided to share with me out loud during the game that her aunt Flo came for her monthly visit and she didn't have anything to help with that so she had to shove paper towels down her pants! Yum, just what I was wanting to think about and picture while I'm eating dinner! So then she adds, well at least that means I'm not pregnant. Ewww Gimpy nobody wants to think about you having sex! On top of that, while she is making my lunch today she decided to tell me that she has to run to the bathroom because she might be bloody mary through all her clothes. SO FUCKING NASTY! Why can't she just be like everyone else that works for me and go to the bathroom without telling me why. Like seriously I don't need to know. Last Gimpy story, last night she scratched my hand with the metal part of my seat belt and yelled at me for complaining it hurt, but then when she was getting me ready for bed I scratched her arm by accident with my finger nail and then I had to listen to her complain about how much it hurt.

Then there was the annoying toll booth attendant on the way to the game and on the way home. I'm not kidding, Gimpy and I are 99% sure it was the same guy and he walked in front of the van each way as we were about to go through. Did he have a death wish? Also, was he like ooohh a cripple van let me keep running in front of it to see how quick they can stop and watch the disabled guy's head fall down. It gets better though, because on the way home, this asshole from California, or at least their license plate was from California, could not get their EZ pass to work at the toll. Gimpy and I were legit sitting behind this guy for 5 minutes. I made her angrily honk the horn three times, why? I don't know but it made me feel better for how annoying and stupid and slow he was. Of course, who comes walking over in front of the van to help him? Toll booth attendant that likes to play dodge the cripple van! And he was no help either. It took him more time to figure out how to get this car through the toll then if the guy just floored it and broke the gate. I'm surprised the guy in the car in front of us did not try that, he was so intelligent. When his EZ pass would not work, he tried to back out of the toll lane even though there was a line of cars behind us and when were about to go across the Whitestone Bridge. Um, dude you cannot back up in a toll lane. I am pretty sure there are signs and laws against it, especially in New York, plus they have tolls in California so I am pretty sure that they probably have those laws there too. Plus of course we would pick this lane to go through since Gimpy was driving haha! Here's a picture of the stupid asshole!

Worst Excuse Ever

Soooo Gimpy is back, and while I have not actually seen her yet she has already made her presence more than felt. Since I am an asshole and nobody really ever wants to help me I have been having trouble getting certain shifts covered lately. Now truthfully it's summer so everybody thinks they can just go on vacation or go out and pop pills and get super drunk at raves, we all know which workers I'm talking about. It's alright I'll just train my cats Miley, Flappy, and Charlie to start taking care of me. It's about time those fat lazy assholes earn their keep around my house. Anyway, even though I'm not actually seeing Gimpy until tomorrow but then I am more than making up for it because she's stuck with me for 30 consecutive hours after that. It's going to take everything I have not to drive myself off the Whitestone Bridge on the way to the Mets game tomorrow. Plus, it is Gimpy so something weird or crazy is bound to happen. For example, one time I  had to be rushed to the hospital because of dehydration during a Mets game and it turned out they brought me to Bellevue Hospital. For those not familiar with that hospital, they are known for their fantastic Psych ward, yes I am being sarcastic. Oh and the time I went I was about thirteen and the guy on the hospital bed in front of me, we were both laying in the hallway by the way because New York hospitals take such good care of their patients, was handcuffed to the bed. I am not kidding. Also, the ambulance workers were yelling at people in Spanish to get out of their way when they were trying to wheel me in. Plus, my dad was suppose to follow the ambulance to the hospital but he got lost so I sat next to the handcuffed guy at age 13 near all the crazy/ER patients by myself for an hour at least. I am still traumatized to this day by that hospital trip. Anyway, before she agreed to be stuck with me for 30 straight hours or so, I asked Gimpy if she could help me from 12 to 4pm on the Fourth of July. I will put a picture of fantastic response after this paragraph. That being said, in the 11 years I have had people helping me at my house it was the dumbest response for not being able to work EVER!!! And I've heard some good ones such as... I will be too hungover, my dog died, I have a doctor's appointment even though it was 7pm at night, I am going home and then I run into you at our college campus at the same time your suppose to be home, and the closest to Gimpys:  I have to go to the beach! Gimpy's is better though because she believes she can't help me not because she's going to the beach but because she has to bring her stupid fucking dogs to the beach.  What do they watch the fireworks and build sandcastles with you, while drinking Budweisers which pretends to be American even though its not? For her dumbest excuse in worker history, I'm going to buy her a bag of dum dum lollipops because that was by far the most brilliant excuse for not being able to work ever and I've had two former strippers work for me. Here is said text:
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In other news, not sure how this happened but the wife never ceases to amaze me with her brilliance. She has not gotten mad at me in a while so I guess she will after she reads this.  First, I am watching Wimbledon on ESPN yesterday when she gets here. For those who do not know, Wimbledon is a tennis tournament that takes place in England. The wife looks at the TV and goes "Oh my god that tennis tournament is in CT?" When I asked her why she thought that she said "because it's on ESPN and I drive by ESPN in Bristol all the time." Umm thank god she's beautiful because the lord did not bless her with a big brain. I had to explain to her that ESPN broadcasts sporting events from all over the world, it just happens to be headquartered in Bristol, Connecticut. Ya know, that is why all those giant satellites are in front of the building. Then, earlier this week I was watching Big Brother with her. For those not familiar with Big Brother, it is like Survivor, except the contestants live in a house for 3 months where the viewers can watch them 24/7, and they are cut off from the outside world. During the show, as with most reality shows, they show individual interviews with contestants mixed in with footage of them doing stuff in the house. Well, while the wife was watching they showed a contestant with a beard being interviewed and talking about something he was doing in the house at the same time. Not realizing that 99% of TV shows are not live, the wife could not figure out for the life of her why this guy did not have a twin at the house. She could not understand how she heard him talking about himself while they showed video of him doing what he was talking about. Lord help me! It was truly sad I can not for the life of me explain to her why that is just one guy not a set of twins on the show. Finally, when hippie love child went to put me to bed last night, I noticed that when the wife had put me in the chair she had someone put half of my bottom seat belt through one of my shorts legs and snapped it into the other side. Yes, I know I am dumb for not noticing that she did this either, but how the fuck did she get half my seat belt inside my shorts and still find a way to click it together? I would have taken a picture but I don't think anyone wants to picture something down my pants haha.

Last but not least, as I write this, my mom is watching Magic Mike, or the sequel. Yes I know what it is called, but the fact that I know what it is called makes me want to kick myself in the nuts, so I refuse to write it. Isn't the movie about Male strippers? What the fuck happened in the first movie that there was need for a sequel script to be written? I thought the whole point of the movie was to have "hot" guys dancing around naked or practically naked while fat old ladies screamed their head off.  90 minutes of this was not enough? They need to make another 90 minute version? I know Hollywood is desperate for movie scripts these days but this is hardly a movie that will ever come close to winning the Academy Award. Not only is she watching both but she downloaded them on demand. Needless to say, she does not need to save those two for me when she is done watching them. Maybe it is payback for all the gross TMI information she has had to read about me in this blog. It's almost as bad as the time she asked me to not delete 50 Shades of Grey after I watched it. What? It has a lot of naked girls in it... even though she looked like a little boy and had the dumbest ending ever. I really don't think that movie was romantic so I don't know why all these women are creaming their pants over it, I thought that guy was creepy as fuck. If he wasn't rich, everybody would just think he was a creepy rapist. But hey whatever floats your boat man. Here's a awkward photo I took of the tv while my mom was watching Magic Mike. I don't want to know what the fuck was happening in this picture!