And if I can find the video from Last Week Tonight, which shows a midget dressed like a leprechaun sitting on Judge Andrew Napolitano's lap from many a St. Patrick's Day gone by. Ya know, Judge Napolitano who suggested that the British helped Obama wiretap Trump Tower, and has now been taken off the air at Fox and possibly fired. To get pulled off the air/ possibly fired from Fox News, you really have to be a fuck up, I mean Glenn Beck worked there for years without getting pulled off the air. That fucker was a huge coke head when he got fired from his morning radio show on KC 101 in CT back in my younger days. Cause he had more crazy conspiracy theories than the ex wife. Anyway the internet hates me and I can't find this great video or a picture of the midget hired off Craigslist self admitted by the hosts of Fox and Friends sitting on Judge Napolitano's lap saying "Top of the mornin' to ya Judge". Trust me, it's as awesome as it sounds. Okay this isn't the video, it is from Fox News and it's somebody saying they hate Rory McIlroy, whose a famous golfer because he's a leprechaun, yeah I have no idea wtf they are talking about but that's how I often feel when Fox News is on, however, if they said they hated more famous people for being leprechauns, I'd definitely watch more often!
Speaking of top of the mornin' to ya... it also showed clips from tons of local news shows around the country saying that on St. Patrick's Day, because that's the only stereotypical Irish thing that stupid local news anchors can think to say. it's like in Anchorman, when Will Farrell just reads whatever is on the teleprompter no matter how bad or fucked up it is. At one point, he says "Go fuck yourself San Diego" because thats what the teleprompter tells him to say. This was a comedy movie, but I feel it's not too far from reality. Anyway, my favorite top of the mornin' to ya clip came from good ole' Crapneticut. I'm sure I won't be able to find it since Youtube sucks more balls than bitchface, but it was from News 12. Yes, I have known a lot of people who worked for them, and unfortunately I don't get that channel because it's only in Fairfield County and the NYC area, but this clip was so bad, anybody that worked or works there should be embarrassed. They were talking about a deadly shooting in Bridgeport(big surprise), in other news the sky is blue, and they knew it was a fatal shooting because the police saw tons of blood when they pulled up to the crime scene. While the news anchors are saying this, there is video of a parked police car with it's lights on flashing and a taped off police scene complete with yellow police tape. They literally finished saying that, with the video still playing in the background, and one of the news anchors yells "TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YA ITS ST. PATRICK'S DAY"! I'll take awkward transitions for 200 Alex. Thank God I don't work in the TV News business, it's gotten so bad. I shit you not, last week channel 8 had a story on about avoiding deadly snow piles. Thank God they did because I was about to roll my chair right into one because it looked like so much fun to play in. But channel 8 taught me they could crush or suffocate me to death. They definitely got my back. You'll only get that reference if you live in this awful state! For those that don't know, it's the stupid saying they have when they show those dramatic commercials for their great undercover investigations they have. Ya know, like how to survive deadly snow piles, bear attacks in the summer, and who was stealing tons of shrimp from a super market. Yes, these are all real investigations by Channel 8 in Connecticut, look it up. Someone that used to work for me works as a reporter there now. I really hope she doesn't read this or take offense to it if she does. But it's fucking awful. And to be fair, it's not just channel 8, it's all the local news channels around here. Okay this is from Ohio, but you'll get the point!
Also from the last episode of Last Week Tonight, they talked about something so awesome I'm pissed I didn't know it existed until now, and it's been going on since 2001. Apparently in Bolivia, yeah I don't know where that is either. Just kidding you ignorant fools it's in South America. There is a huge traffic problem in the city of La Paz... there are several deadly hit and run accidents ever year. A lot of them unfortunately involved children walking to and from school. So how did the people Bolivia decide to solve this problem? They didn't hire more cops, hell they didn't even hire more crossing guards. They hired people to dress in Zebra costumes to stand in the road with stop signs, yell at and mock drivers who aren't obeying traffic laws, and sometimes they will literally stand in front of cars to get them to stop. Am I fucked up for saying that would just make me want to hit them more? Here's a video of them in action!
Anyway, when the traffic is slow or they don't have a lot to do the traffic zebras break out into random dances on the side of the road. Also, there are rules if you want to be a traffic zebra. You have to respect the costume, and are never allowed to take off your zebra head in public. They even found a video clip of one of them interviewing another one. One of the zebra women even said she felt deep in her heart, that she was always meant to be a Zebra. Yes, because all zebras can walk on two legs and talk and dance on the side of the street 3,000 miles from Africa. Did I mention most of these Zebra's are recovering addicts? But I mean, I'm not really surprised. Who the fuck else would want to do this job? Hell, the first day I had to work it, I'd relapse. The only way you're going to get me to dress like a zebra and dance on the side of the road while arguing with passing cars would be to get me really high or drunk.
I went to Smackdown Live at my second home, aka Mohegan Sun on Tuesday because I love me some wrestling and nothing makes for better people watching then a WWE show at the casino. If you ever are feeling down about yourself, go to a wrestling show at the casino, and I guarantee you will find at least a dozen people that will make you say "well at least I'm not them". Yes, I was there, and I fully admit I'm white trash for loving wrestling, but I still like people watching and laughing at them at these shows. Surprisingly, nothing too crazy happened to me while I was there. Rare because freaks are attracted to me in public, like a moth to a flame. Especially at a wrestling show, especially at the casino! Gronk was there. I don't know how to spell his real name nor do I care because I think he is a massive douchebag! What really pissed me off was he had three of his douchey friends and himself sitting in the front row right behind the announcers, cause God forbid Gronk isn't the center of attention. You know they got those seats for free too. The fucked up part is he left at 9, when the show wasn't over until 11:15, and never came back...probably because he got to go meet all the wrestlers or try to hook up with some of the WWE Divas. Jealous? You bet I am, even though I think he's a massive douchebag playing for the worst team in the NFL. And somehow, he gets more attention than anyone on the Patriots, besides Tom Brady, despite getting injured every season and playing about 5 games. Sadly, I still know he gets more ass than a toilet seat despite being a roided up stereotypical NFL douchebag. He probably has balls the size of grapes from the steroids. Sounds like the perfect catch for bitchface. You can stay home passed out on his couch high smoking weed everyday, while he brings in the real money. Pump out a few of his bastard children and you've got him for 18 years. Oh wait no, she can't do that. She'd make too much money and have to move out of her section 8 house, along with the other 100 immigrants living there with her. At least there'd be a big ass driveway for all their stolen cars though. I wonder if she's related to Aaron Hernandez, it would explain a lot! Okay, so I broke my rule. But it was only to make fun of bitchface not gossip about her. Hello bitchface, I still know what you did last summer! Hahaha, if you don't get that kill yourself. And with that, microphone drop. I'm out! Thanks Kathy, for helping me find a wheelchair seat at the wrestling show after the bitch at the will call window told me all the ADA seats were sold out so I couldnt go, but they might refund my money... Guess what happens to people who lie to me about wrestling shows...you know what happens to them...when they lie about no wheelchair seats and theres a half empty wheelchair platform right next to the entrance ramp... you know what happens to them...SHE JUST MADE THE LIST!!! Goodnight Steve Doocy, I hate myself for even knowing who that is. But it's very appropriate that that is his name and he works for Fox News.
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