Does that make me VIP status everywhere I go? I'm thinking if I'm friends with her it most certainly does. Second only to being friends with the President. I don't want to say his last name because I fear hes like Beetlejuice or Voldemort, that if I mention him too much he'll appear. Anyway since I'm too lazy too re write the whole trash boat story and my workers are far too stupid to write it twice... Here's the FB status I made:
"Despite my best efforts to be nicer lately, it's really hard when Facebook suggests I friend request someone named Trash Boat that lives in Texas, and asked if I know someone named Andree Thompson.... I'm a white guy from Cheshire do you think I know these fuckers?! Please take offense I love angry comments... Okay I friend requested Trash Boat out of morbid curiosity and she is everything I thought she would be from the stalking I did. You think she goes by trash, trashy, or miss boat? Or if she's married is it Mrs. Trash Boat I want to be PC. Hopefully she accepts so I can ask her." Also, check out the hot pictures of Miss Trash Boat.
Okay so the first photo is a real boat of trash, the second photo, is some band named Trash Boat, apparently they are from England and judging by the high quality photo of them, they spent about $5 or pounds in their case, of their mom's hard earned money to take that glamour shot in their high school gymnasium circa 1994. I bet their first music video was shot in black and white with an old guy running around for no reason. What? that's what every emo band in the mid 90s did. Okay so they aren't from the mid 90s, but that's not the point. In the third photo, if you cant tell, that's her 100% sober. As you can tell how sober she is in the fourth photo of her pictured with a beer in her hand. And if you look really closely to the third picture, you can see cut marks on her arm! As if calling yourself Trash Boat wasn't a big enough cry for help. I think the cutting and the artwork really sends the message home Miss Boat.
I really need to start performing again, and trying to get people to buy my stupid shirts or get people to donate to my Gofundme. I'll put an updated list of my upcoming shows at the end of this post. My finacnes have gotten so bad that I can't afford the monthly payment of $10.12 for Netflix any longer and I had to send myself $3.50 through Square Cash today just to buy some food. I need my food stamps back! God I have become the white trash that hates everyone who wants or inappropriately receives government handouts, but bitch when I don't get my Social Security and food stamps at the start of every month.... or as I like to call them Trump supporters, can't wait til they realize that he is going to do everything in his power to cut or eliminate these programs. I'm lucky enough to have a mom who lets me mooch off her, even if she does complain every time I ask her for $20. I don't know, what all these people that don't have nice moms who make a decent living and are fully capable of working full time jobs are going to do. Although my mom told me she wants to get rid of our house within 10 years... I'm guessing I'm not included in the plans of where she is headed after that. If I'm still rolling around on this earth, I'd be rolling straight to the nursing home.
Now to rant about why I'm such an asshole... mentally despite what most people think, I am of sound mind and fully aware and capable of realizing the consequences of the choices I make. Despite this, at least two of my workers make me feel like I'm mentally retarded and that they are going to run to my mommy, or the state run agency who pays them half the time. Every time I piss them off or fuck up, well if you're going to threaten me and keep doing shit to piss me off, yeah I'm going to piss you off on purpose. Yes, I know I'm almost 32, don't work, and pathetically rely on my mom for way too much, but I'm not fucking retarded and I'm a grown ass man. Stop threatening to tattle tale on me. By the way, it's also most of my lovely workers faults that I can't get a fucking job. I would love to do anything just to start making money so I can eventually become independent of my mom(not in a negative way), but they make it almost impossible. Besides the fact that most of them only put up with me for less than a year because I'm a raging dick, but since I'm always trying to find people to help me, how am I supposed to find steady employment when I rely on them to help me with it? But here's an even greater explanation of why I'm a huge dick. Let's take the most recent example of a job I was trying to get. I'm trying to get a job being a Stat keeper for the Hartford Yard Goats this season. It only pays $30 a game, but it's better than nothing and I know a lot about baseball. Do you think any of the girls who work for me want to help me get this job? So we can actually leave my house once in a while? Oh no no no, in the words of Paul Heyman, look it up non-wrestling fans.
The first girl bitched when I had to email a copy of my resume and then answer a few follow up questions to prove I know facts about baseball. Cause ya know, she had to type a couple sentences. Then they mailed me a sample game so I could download the software on my computer, fill out the game, and send it back, as they stated, as soon as possible, because the positions are first come first serve. The DVD has been sitting at my house for more than two weeks... do you think it's even been started yet? Oh no no no... Why? Because the fucking software you use to keep score is about as complicated as cracking the genetic code and I cant figure out which of the geniuses/ former strippers/ stupid whores(as one worker calls them, not even my words)/ assistants to Stephen Hawking is going to help me with this monumental task! First of all they don't know shit about shit, unless it involves recreational drug use, shopping, binge drinking, unexpected pregnancies, or falling on a black dick they haven't liked! And yes these are the future nurses, occupational therapists. physical therapists, and welfare recipients of the world...I shit you not! One of them was amazed the other day when I told her not only was it March, but it was Monday not Tuesday. I can't make this shit up I swear on my dead father! And I consider that a good day, because half the time I'm left wondering if their even gonna show up, and which cat I should appoint to take care of me in their absence... they don't fucking care. House fire? Somehow Robert will get himself out despite not having any arm or leg movement. Home invasion? Well, atleast people in Cheshire become famous after that so I wont have financial problems anymore, assuming I survive. If not my mom can write a NYT best seller! Moms away on a business trip or vacation? Whatever, somehow Flappy will put Robert to bed, if not he can sleep in his chair by the fireplace, he will survive 12 hours on his own with his garage wide open and doors unlocked! That's safe right? Sadly, these are all really things I had to think about lately with the A-list group I've got working for me. Sadly, there is about an average of 5 hours a week, every week, where I'm home alone despite my mom paying for 24/7 care. Yet, I thoroughly enjoy these five hours, because there is no drama, no one screaming yelling or bitching at me, I'm not being blamed for anything, and my A crew isn't fighting amongst each other about how my mom forgot to pay them $5.00, or $7.00 for a movie ticket, again not making this up!
So yeah, because of the snow storm, I spent 31 hours with my mom, but it actually wasn't that bad, and it was nice to have a break from the drama, but the worst thing my mom yells about is the sink being dirty. She doesn't make accusations on social media, that I'm a sex fiend obsessed with crazy bitches who have done time in juvy and the psych ward. Okay my mom has probably thought that, but she hasn't written it! The best reason why I spent 31 hours with just her, because God forbid the ex wife spend a day and a half with me, although she claims to love and care about me so much that she wont even spend her birthday with me, but that's a post for another day. Also, she constantly complains about not having enough money. Here's a great idea, work a 40 hour shift with me every week and see how much money you will have. Oh wait, you wouldn't know because you do the bare minimum to pay your bills, because God forbid you save up for something one day when your roommate, Robert, or Robert's mom can pay for it instead! The other great part to this story is that one of the new workers, we'll call her Bozo the Clown, or Bozo for short. She was supposed to work a 24 hour shift and ride the snow storm out with me. Now I knew the storm was supposed to start at 4am, and I usually go to bed with the ex wife between 1-2 am, and of course she had to bitch and moan the whole time until she left. I offered Bozo to come in at midnight, when she got off her other job at 11pm, but do you think she would come in? Oh no no no, that would be far too simple. And do you think she would text me that she wasn't coming? Oh no no no, well she did at 2:30 pm when she was supposed to be here at 8 am, with some story about how she got pulled over on the highway and her car got towed driving on the highway during the travel ban, allegedly. Me cries bullshit. First of all, you live in Meriden and your mom lives in Southington, so no matter whose house you were coming from you don't have to take the highway to my house in Cheshire. Second of all, I tried to tell you this would happen, and that's why you should come BEFORE the snow, but of course you couldn't. Then, the travel ban was over at 5pm and you normally work the overnight shift Tuesdays approximately 9pm to 10 am, but could you come in for that? Oh no no no... Why? Because your car got "towed" but yet, first thing this morning, there you were at my house, with a ride from your friend, to supposedly pick up your check, and get your car back. Of course you could get a ride to my house first thing in the morning when money is involved. Sadly I'm not surprised, what was I expecting? You used to be friends with bitch face and tried to have her cousin work for me. Uh yeah, like I'll ever let bitch face's cousin in my house. I don't care how bad their relationship is, or how distant a relative she is to bitch face. I'm starting to think that bitch face and bozo are secretly conspiring together to make me go crazy, which actually would make a lot of sense. Bozo did start when bitch face left. And bitch face knew she was coming in, plus they both spent time in juvy, the psych ward, had bastard children, collect food stamps and welfare, and were childhood friends. I haven't seen this big a conspiracy since the Kennedy assassination. I'M MEDIA, I'm out, I'm goin' to pour a 40 on the curb for my fallen comrade Griff Jenkins and his camera woman Kathy, RIP you big tools, by the way they aren't really dead don't worry.
Upcoming Shows:
Friday 3/17- VFW Pawcatuck CT, free show even though its far and a friday night, me performing for a bunch of war vets on st. patty's day...I'm sure it'll go fantastic!
Tuesday 4/4- Dangerfield Comedy Club in NYC, tickets $15 at door, and this time I'm going damnit
Friday 4/14- Cabot Comedy Club in Chiccopee MA, tix $10 and can be bought online or at door. It's a Friday even though it's far so please come support me.
Tuesday 4/18- Dante's in Stratford, free but you have to buy dinner and a drink, please come support me, I can win $50 or $100 and a spot in the finals.
Sat 5/13- Havent booked yet, due to lack of funds, but if I come up with $200 I'm going to do a show at 7pm @ the Cheshire Youth Center next to Cheshire High so I can pay myself and fellow comics some money for performing. It will also be a fundraiser for my van. Tickets will be $10 if it happens.
Thursday 5/18- Comix Mohegan Sun @ 10pm. Tix are $10 and can be bought online or at the door.
Finally if you read all this and still don't hate me, please donate to my new van Gofundme.. the link is here
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