Up On Cripple Creek

Is anyone else offended by that song as I am? Look it up you dumb millennials and grandmas. It's almost as offensive as the song "Short People" by Randy Newman. Seriously, that song is hilarious, but so offensive. For those of you not cool enough to know, Randy Newman was a one hit wonder from the 70s. He's even in the One Hit Wonder section of the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. I know, I went there once. That was the best part of that trip. That and I purposely rammed a car that parked too close to the ramp on my van at the time. The fucked up part is, as offensive and un-politically correct the song "Short People" is, the same guy that wrote and sang that has written and even won Oscars for several songs he wrote for Disney movies, most notably "You Got A Friend In Me" from Toy Story...which was forever ruined for me by Family Guy. Look up the clip. I am not explaining it on here!

 

Sorry grandma and most of my other faithful readers, this post is mostly going to be about wrestling. If you don't like it, too fucking bad. I never asked you to read it anyways. As I previously mentioned in my last post, I started making bumper stickers to sell along with my t-shirts for my Cripple Creations business. So, the first three bumper stickers I designed arrived this week. I'll post them below this paragraph, but one is making fun of my disability by writing "Handicap On Board" instead of "Baby On Board".

The other two had to do with James Ellsworth and Heath Slater, yeah I know they are two of WWE's lamest wrestlers and that is why I like them so much. I figured they do not have a lot of merchandise, so other weirdos like me who are huge fans of theirs, might want an option to buy something with them on it for cheap...I mean come on it's only $5! You can purchase one online here: 

Anyways, since I'm a social media whore, after the first three designs arrived I put them all over Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and tagged James Ellsworth and Heath Slater in them. I never thought I would actually get a response, but much to my shocking surprise Heath Slater retweeted my tweet at him. I'm glad he found them as funny as I did. If you are not a fan of wrestling, his saying is that he needs a job as a wrestler, after he went as the only undrafted wrestler to Raw or Smackdown. Every week he would lie and say he had more and more kids, and that is why he needed this job. So, I made a spoof of it since it's a bumper sticker and wrote, "I need this vehicle, I got kids" with his picture and similar style font that he has on his WWE shop t-shirt. But, yeah, now that Heath Slater retweeted me, my life has peaked. There's really no coming back from that. Sure, one time on Christmas last year, James Ellsworth tweeted at me, but Heath is such a bigger deal haha! Anyway, here is the picture of the retweet below and the two other bumper stickers.

Just so you know grandma, when James Ellsworth first came to WWE, he fought a guy who was 7ft tall and 400lbs. When they asked him how he was going to win, he said, "I truly believe that any man with two fists has a fighting chance!" Yes, James sucks and never wins matches without tons of help, and technically was the first winner of the first ever female Money In the Bank ladder match, but that's what makes him awesome. So, yeah, what I wrote is just a spoof of my wheelchair/cripple van by saying, "Any man with four wheels has a fighting chance!" Also, I think his days might be numbered because he's been reduced to being led around on a dog leash by Carmella, but I'm going to enjoy him while he lasts.

 

Speaking of days that are numbered, I recently got asked by WWE to fill out a very interesting survey. The first part asked on a scale of 1-5 how big a fan I was of particular wrestlers, 1 being the worst and 5 being the best, there was also an option for Never Heard of Them, which with me being the crazy fan that I am, is not a good sign for you if I have not heard of you. There were some interesting names on there. Here are the ones that I said I hated...Mojo Rawley, Baron Corbin, Apollo Crews, and I know there were a few more, but that's all I remember. The ones I said I loved were Bayley (even though they have ruined her character since they brought her up from NXT), Brie Bella (I was shocked she was on there because she retired), The Miz and Maryse...everyone they asked about fell somewhere in the middle for me, except for James Ellsworth and Heath Slater. They both got 5s too, obviously. The second part asked how often I watch the weekly shows, attend WWE events in person, and how much I would be willing to pay to meet specific wrestlers. Obviously the ones I gave bad scores, I said I would never pay to meet, and the ones I gave the highest scores, I said I would pay over $200 to meet. The lowest option besides I would never pay to meet them was $50-99. The highest was over $200 I believe. Obviously, again, everyone else they asked about fell somewhere in the middle. I wasn't surprised that names like Goldust, R-Truth, and Rhyno were on there. I was very surprised that names like Kevin Owens, Seth Rollins, John Cena, and AJ Styles were on there. I'm assuming they want people to fill out the survey to see who draws people in to watch them on tv, sell merchandise, and prove people are willing to pay a lot to meet certain wrestlers. I'm also assuming the ones that did not get very high scores might be out of a job soon or working for Global Force Wrestling, ROH, or Lucha Underground or one of the several Japanese promotions. So, yeah, between a lot of big names rumored to be coming up from NXT soon and the survey from WWE trying to figure out who people like, I'm thinking a decent amount of current WWE wrestlers will either be fired or not signed to new contracts. Again, if anybody reading this that doesn't know me, don't take this too seriously, it's just my thoughts and opinions.

 

Finally, Hell in A Cell is this coming Sunday, and while there are a few matches I'm excited for, I gotta say it's time for the Jinder Mahal experiment as WWE champ to come to an end IMMEDIATELY! First off, he was so lame and came out of nowhere so fast to become WWE Champ that while all the other wrestlers have their logos on the sides of their championship belt, Jinder didn't even have any merchandise in the WWE shop website at the time. For example, Dean Ambrose had the "DA" symbol, AJ Styles had the "P1" symbol, and John Cena had the "U Can't See Me" hand symbol. Since Jinder had no logo, at first, his belt just said his name. I noticed after a lot of people talked shit about it, they finally changed it. Below is a before and after photo:

 


Second, rumor has it that he became WWE Champ so fast because the company was trying to appeal to their third largest fan base in India...in case you are wondering the US and England are one and two. Yeah, slight problem with that...Jinder is from Canada. Yeah, I think his parents might have originally been from India, but he was born and raised in Canada...I don't think Inidan fans are going to get behind a Canadian wrestler pretending to be Indian. Third, they even tried to salvage it by having the Great Khali help him win and get over with Indian fans because you know the Great Khali is actually from India. But, it was weird and awkward, like the majority of the Great Khali's wrestling career. You see he's so tall and heavy that he can barely walk let alone wrestle, so yeah, he shows up randomly to help Jinder keep the title by choking Randy Orton for what seemed like 5 minutes, while Jinder slowly climbed out of the Punjabi Prison Match. While it was nice to see somebody besides the Singh brothers interfere and help Jinder win/keep the title (because God forbid he legitimately ever won a match without help, yes that's how bad he sucks)! It was strange that the Great Khali just showed up that one time to help him and basically say, "Hey people of India, you love the Great Khali because he's actually from here, so now that we paid him to help Jinder win a match one time, now you have to love Jinder too!" Fourth, Jinder, before he was ever considered to be champion, lost to crap-tastic wrestlers like Mojo and El Torito who was a midget that dressed like a bull. Fifth, judging by his massive muscle gain and tons of backne, I'm guessing he's on some major steroids. Not that they aren't all probably, but why are you rewarding one of your crappiest wrestlers with one of your biggest titles? Lets put it this way, RAW's biggest title holder is Brock Lesnar, and Smackdown Live's is JINDER FUCKING MAHAL!!! You see, he sucks so bad that he is the Smackdown Live Heavyweight Champ, and he is NOT headlining their next Pay Per View Hell In A Cell. Hell (haha see what I did there?) but he's not even, I think fighting Shinsuke Nakamura for the title in Hell In A Cell. So let me get this straight, Smackdown Live and WWE, you have the USOS, and The New Day fighting for the tag titles in Hell In A Cell, and you have Kevin Owens fighting Shane McMahn (yes the owner's son) fighting in the main event in Hell In A Cell.... But you have your biggest title holder at a Pay Per View named after this specific Hell In A Cell match fighting a regular match against a guy who has been on the roster for less than 6 months in the middle of the card in a regular wrestling match. That's some great writing and planning in the WWE! I haven't seen such well thought out wrestling stories and ideas since WCW circa 1999-2000, and Global Force Wrestling AKA Impact Wrestling in its current format. That would be the subject of my next blog post... but here's a preview, basically the writers and producers in a deperate atempt for meetings and sales threw a bunch of shit at the wall to see what would stick. Some of these ideas included a Viagra on the Pole match, one of the wrestlers mom's on a forklift match, and David Arquette (yes that David Arquette the actor not wrestler) as WCW Heavyweight Champion... Who might only be the second worst main champion of a major wrestling company after Jinder! That's just me shitting on WCW, don't even get me stated on the affairs of Impact Wreslting! Until then only YOU can prevent forest fires, so stop throwing your god damn cigarette butts in my driveway and in front of my house ex wife and worker I have not come up with a nickname for yet!  

Women's Wrestling

 
I know my titles are better and more catchy most of the time, but hey I'm working on it. Quick advice, if you want to watch something about wrestling and not feel like white trash, watch GLOW on Netflix. It's only 10 half hour episodes, and it's pretty funny and interesting at the same time. It's based on a real 80's wrestling show called The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling that was surprisingly popular at the time. Obviously, the show on Netflix is heavily dramatized and the comedy is played up for the show but I still like it. Plus, it features one of the girls from Community, which was a comedy show I loved, and comedian Marc Maron in two of the main roles.

 

I am a few weeks behind on Impact Wrestling, but I plan on catching up with Stoni Beroni tonight! I got to before I go see it in Bridgeport next Sunday. Plus, Alberto Del Rio aka Alberto El Patron had just become the Impact Heavyweight Champion, but now he is suspended. Fast version, him and his wife Paige (who I LOVE) just fire her already WWE, you haven't had her on TV in over a year, and her husband wrestles for Impact just let her go there! Anyway, his wife Paige and him got into a fight with some broad at the airport. Allegedly, according who you listen to, she assaulted Paige or Paige assaulted her, yet Alberto has still gotten suspended by Impact until the investigation is over. He wasn't even charged or arrested for anything, so I'm not sure why he is suspended. one more rant, Paige isn't even going to be on Total Divas this season, so Frozen this bitch already WWE and let her go, let her go! So yeah I gotta catch up on that.

 

I'm still only on season 1 on Netflix of Lucha Underground, which is surprisingly good! Maybe because it's only an hour long for each episode so they only have about three matches, but they guys and girls in it are really talented and fun to watch. Yeah most of the main event wrestlers are rejects from WWE or Impact, but I still find it entertaining! Sure, I don't like women fighting men in certain matches, and I don't like some of the cheesy Spanish soap opera style story telling, but the actual wrestling is phenomenal, even without AJ Styles... haha see what I did there! So yeah I give it four wheels up and recommend you checking it out!

 

Also, there is Ring of Honor or ROH as it's mostly referred to. I've heard good things about it and I even watched it once or twice when the Hardy's were there for a hot second after they left Impact and before they came to WWE. Again, it's only an hour long on TV, but I wasn't really into it. The young bucks are supposed to be the hot tag team I hear everyone talking about, but I didn't like them and they kind of seemed like assholes. And not entertaining assholes like The Miz, just annoying assholes like Big Cass or Kevin Owens. Yeah I hate them but I wish they would just go away! I've heard that Cody Rhodes is the ROH Champ though, he was really nice when I met him, and I find most of his matches high quality and entertaining, and one time when I was at a Q & A session with Bret Hart he said he thought Cody Rhodes is the best currently active wrestler. Also there is Dalton Castle who was fabulously flamboyant, who comes out with his Vegas Show Boys, yes boys, and chants "Boys, Boys, Boys." So if he is still around ROH, and Cody Rhodes is the champ, I might have to check it out again.

Anyways, here are my top 10 favorite wrestling entrance songs of all time. Again this is just my opinion, and there will be plenty of sarcastic asshole commentary! If you know me at all, then you know what #1 is. Sorry it's not a surprise at all! But here's the list bitches:

10. Shawn Michaels- Sexy Boy... yes I know he was a raging drug addicted/drunk/asshole when I was a kid, but I didn't know all this and I thought he was the shit! Sure he quit for a while because he lost his smile, but who hasn't! Just ask half the bitches that worked for me.. Unlike Shawn though, they never came back... HI BITCH FACE!!! But still I remember rolling around my house singing this triumphantly when he finally beat Bret Hart in that 60 minute Iron Man match to win the WWE Title. You know, between the singing of this song, the love of Broadway Musicals, and Clay Aiken, I'm shocked my parents didn't think I was gay growing up. Don't get butt hurt people there's nothing wrong with it, I'm just saying!

9. DX- Break It Down... Oddly, I liked the second version of DX. It's better than the Triple H and Shawn Michael's version in my opinion. I mean I was obsessed with this group, and was so upset when Triple H turned his back on them and broke them up. I had to take a break from watching WWE for a while because I was so pissed! Sadly, this is a true story... IT'S STILL REAL TO ME DAMMIT!! I mean much like everything else, the song got ruined for me by cripple camp. You see one summer when DX was at its peak a bunch of us cripples were rolling around doing the DX Crotch Chop... Oh TV 14 WWE how I miss you! Anyway, it was all fun and games until I saw one of the kids do it in his birthday suit, and after that it was forever ruined for me, trust me if you saw it you would be traumatized too!

8. AJ Styles- Phenomenal... He's awesome, Impact and wherever he wrestled in Japan, are beyond stupid for letting him go. Seriously, Impact, this was one of the biggest superstars you made in your company and you let him walk. His matches are always some of the best of the night and the most fun to watch. His match at SummerSlam last year with John Cena was literally the greatest match I've seen in person. I don't care how stupid I sound go back and watch it on WWE Network, and tell me it wasn't! Yeah the only parts I know are "They Don't Want None" and "Ain't Nobody Breaking This Red Neck" but I mean it's a great song that will get stuck in your head.

7. EC3 aka Ethan Carter III- Trouble. What they all couldn't be WWE songs otherwise this list would be boring. Yes he went from bad guy to good guy and now he is bad again, but he is my favorite wrestler in Impact. I mean I don't like how craxy they have made him lately where he is literally talking about bleaching his asshole, and telling other wrestlers to eat his ass. But he is by far one of the best wreslters/characters in Impact and again one of the few besides AJ Styles that the company has come up with.

6. NWO- NWO theme song.. Granted I have been and always will be a WWE fan and they were always and will always be my favorite wrestling company. However, there was a time in the late 90's where WCW and the NWO were legit everywhere. I mean I would get jealous of the kids at school who had the NWO stuff and would do their signs and chant their sayings. It was bigger than wrestling and literally everywhere for a solid year or two. I mean I even knew girls then that wanted to be Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, or Hollywood Hogan. So even though I feel like a traitor for putting any WCW entrance music on here I gotta be honest. For a while I loved the NWO and would watch WCW as much as I watched WWE just to see what the NWO was up to.

5. CM Punk- Cult of Personality... Yeah I know this isn't an original wrestling theme song. But whatever it's a great song that will get stuck in your head. Also, I hate how WWE won't even talk about him now and gives him the Voldemort treatment from Harry Potter if you even mention his name. But, I do like the fact that WWE fans will still chant his name during a boring match or just to piss off Vince and Stephanie McMahon along with Triple H. Yeah he totally embarrassed himself when he tried to become a UFC fighter and lost in 90 seconds or possibly less, but that's what happens when you try to become a UFC fighter at the age of 36. Hopefully, one day him and WWE can make up despite his strong hatred for them right now. Plus he was my favorite wrestler when I got back into WWE in 2013... Christ, its been 4 years already?

4. Sasha Banks- Sky's the Limit... Not really my favorite active female wrestler in WWE, especially because I think she's about to stab my girl Bayley in the back! But she is talented and she does put on some pretty good matches. I thought she was hot until Stoni Beroni forever ruined her for me by showing me how Sasha is secretly bald. And trust me, it does NOT look good on her. I'll see if I could find the picture where her wig almost fell off in the ring, and you could see how far back her hairline was. Legit I hope it just fell out because she treated it or dyed it a million times, otherwise there is something horribly wrong with her! Anyways, her song s very catchy haha when Stoni Beroni was typing this she wrote "dong" instead of "song" You know if Sahsa had a dong, it would have explained why she is bald. Also, I believe her cousin is Snoop Dogg. So hopefully he helped come up with this catchy song. Don;t worry Sasha, I'd still hit it. It would definitely take a few hard drinks first, but still.

3. Hulk Hogan- Real American... yes he's an asshole. Yes he's ruined other people's careers to further his own. Yes he made a gross sex tape and then bankrupted the company that published it, because some billionaire who was mad at the same website for exposing that he was gay helped pay his legal fees. Watch the documentary on Netflix.. its good! And yes he was too creepily hands on with his daughter and his second wife looks just like her... But he is Hulk fucking Hogan. Everyone knows who he is, even my mom and grandma! He is a star even outside of wrestling and as cheesy and terrible and every 80's stereo type of wrestling this song is, it's still catchy. If you don't know it, kill yourself... But once you hear it, you will not get it out of your head!

2. Shinsuke Nakamura- The Rising Sun... Yes theres no words, and yes it's mostly just someone jamming out on the violin, but tell me this isn't a catchy song and it doesn't get stuck in your head after you hear it. You have to see Nakamura's entrance alongside it to truly give it justice. Just don't watch if you are epileptic. Not only does it look like Nakamura is having a seizure, but all the strobe lights will give you one. I'll admit at first I didn't get the hype around him, because I don't watch NXT a lot. And now that he is on Smack Down Live Stoni Beroni and I totally get it! I mean he's fucking awesome and he better beat John Cena on Smack Down next week because I much rather see him fight Jinder for the WWE Title. Truthfully, my guess is he will, but since he is feuding with Baron Corbin, I predict he will beat Jinder for the WWE Title at SummerSlam, only for Corbin to immediately cash in his Money in the Bank contract and win the title from Nakamura.

1. Bobby Roode- Glorious Domination... It's not often you know when your life has been changed forever, but I can mark the moment in time i first heard this wonderful piece of music and my life was forever changed. Granted I was with the ex wife and her annoying roommate, and half the time Stoni Beroni doesn't get it, and sadly most of the time I think I'm the only one who does. But god damn isn't it glorious!? Seriously listen to this song and tell me it doesn't get stuck in your head. Every time I hear it I get pumped and I'm inspired to do glorious things! I'm not kidding when I said this song needs to be played at my funeral. Also I totally planned on entering one of my comedy shows one day wearing a sequenced robe while one of my workers slowly spins my wheelchair ... Sure my entrance will take up 3 of the 5 minutes I have to perform, but it ill be OH SO GLORIOUS!! I tear up every time I hear it! Bobby Roode I liked you when you were on Impact, but now you are just so much more GLORIOUS. Please take your WWE debut at Summer Slam because that will be GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS, AND I KNOW YOU WILL BE VICTORIOUS BECAUSE YOU WILL DO WHAT YOU MUST TO BE VICTORIOUS... GLORIOUS! If you don't get it, go fuck yourself and never read this blog again! until then here is a picture of me as my wrestling persona named Tyshawn 4-WHEELZ!