Yes, things I have actually said to my workers, and yes, things they have actually agreed with. Not fucked up at all, I swear. Also not fucked up at all to download the app yourself and try to sell videos, when it's one of the few legitimate ways my crippled ass has of making money. However, did this stop two of my workers from doing it anyways? OH NO, NO, NO! That weed and prescription painkillers ain't gonna pay for itself!
I'm getting old, and even more uncool than I ever was...okay, I was never cool, in fact I hated most of those kids I grew up with. Still do, but that's the irony of my life. I can't stand 95% of the worlds population. The funny part is, as I'm writing this it auto corrected to stab, which I'm okay with. But yes, I can't stand the majority of society, yet I'm dependent on them to take care of me.the irony of my life...anyway, back to my original point, to further prove how old and even more uncool I'm getting I recently saw a "friend" yes, I have friends, stop laughing, okay, just some unfortunate soul that works for me. But I don't wanna get too specific, because my mom reads this blog and will freak out when she reads about this story, so yeah, this person is on vacation in a state where the weed is legal, and she is visiting one of her hippy friends with her long hair, baggy clothes, and crazy dancing that works at a dispensary of the weed. Side note-I shit you not, she plays the bongos. So yeah, said "friend" and her hippy friend were on a party bus this past weekend passing joints among a big group of strangers. Instead of thinking, "Oh man, that looks like they're having a great time!" I was horrified thinking to myself, "Ew, I would never smoke something that's been in random, college-aged, stranger's mouths." Why? Because 75% of the population have an STD, and the majority aren't aware that they do. And that's just asking for a Petri dish of Herpes Simplex Virus.
Yeah,
this will make me sound even more cool, sometimes I honestly think I'm
the only person that doesn't abuse drugs, whether they're legal,
illegal, or prescription. Granted, most of the winners that work for me
are still in their 20's, so they make really intelligent life choices
right now. What disturbs me more is that some of them, past and present
workers, are my age or older, and they're still doing this. Ya know,
like paying me to fill Xanax prescriptions and give it to them, stealing
alcohol from my liquor cabinet, stealing expired pain killers from my
mom's and my medicine cabinet. Did I mention some of these women are
moms? Did I mention some of these women work in hospitals,
doctor/surgeon's offices, schools, and various other medical fields? Are
you disturbed yet?...because I am. Which goes back to my original point
of why I hate 95% of society. Ya know, the Ex wife brought up a good
point the other day, asking how I haven't died of a stroke or heart
attack from stress. Truthfully, I don't know, because these are the
disturbed thoughts that go through my mind every day. Yeah there was a
time where I was happy, carefree, and trying to find the best in people.
Then I turned 25, my Dad died, and I had to start hiring 24/7 help, and
started seeing what the world was really like.
Which leads me to this past Thursday.
I knew it was going to be a good day when two of my workers were
screaming at each other in my house like Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth
Hasselback talking politics on The View...look it up assholes, it was 10
years ago, I'm not explaining it. Due to this, and the fact that I only
had 3 tickets sold, I wasn't sure I should drive 90 minutes each way to
the casino not knowing if I would be able to perform. However, Stoney Beroni sealed it for me when she told me she had to play video games and smoke pot on her couch with her boyfriend so she would not be there on time. Okay, she didn't say that, but I'm guessing that's what she was doing anyways, because I'm pretty sure that's all she does outside of work, besides thinking of reasons why she can never drive me anywhere, bitching about working third shift but not providing me the proper paperwork to work during the day because it's locked in her safe that she doesn't know the combination to...excessive pot smoking destroys your short term memory. Because of this I'm not worried, since her and the majority of people reading this won't remember it 5 minutes later anyways. Or my personal favorite, telling me at 6 p.m. that you won't be at work til 10 p.m, when you're supposed to come at 9 p.m., because it's okay for you to come early and stay late for your other job, but fuck Robert if he ever asks you to do the same thing, because you took that group home job first, dammit. America! Land of the free, home of the stupid! And those joints ain't gonna smoke themselves.
So yes, this is what lead me to have the brilliant idea of trying to get 5 minutes of stage time, 90 minutes from my house, despite only having 2 guaranteed people showing up for me, even though I sold 4 tickets. Don't you know that Ryan Brauth is
having a kid soon and besides putting Pat Oates' children though school,
now I have to put his as well. Ya know the episode of Extreme
Cheapskates that Pat Oates ALWAYS talks about during his set, that he
made $50 doing 5 years
ago, isn't paying the bills quite like it used to. So apparently it's up
to my 4 maxed out credit cards, and alcoholic/drug addicted workers to
line the pockets of "Better" comedians in Connecticut. Since I'm already
sounding like a bitter douche...what else is new. But seriously, there
was probably 100 people at the 10 p.m. show at the comedy club in Mohegan on Thursday,
and yes I sold 4 tickets but only 2 people showed up, but you really
couldn't give the crippled guy his 5 minutes of in front of the stage
time, God forbid I actually got on the stage. Since he hasn't performed
since July!?! Seriously, how am I going to buy a $20 DVD
of my performance, to further line your pockets, even though you can
only hear me and not see me, because I'm never on the actual stage, to
further make your kids, I mean you, money? You left some serious money
on the table there, your kids might have to go to public school now
instead of Catholic school. Am I worried about them reading this...NOPE. Doesn't matter how funny I am, or how much I kill it, I burn so many
comedy bridges around here. Nobody is going to offer me a paid gig
around here anyways. It's fine, I'm going to start putting on my own
monthly show, where everyone gets paid and gets to perform, no matter
how many people they bring. Okay, if you bring nobody, you only get 5
minutes and no money, but still, better than what they have now I mean,
if retards like Vinny Beedle can put on "shows" I think I can handle it.
In all of my bitterness I forgot to say, special shout out to the asshole,
middle aged, drunk couple who swore up and down when they took my other
two paid for tickets on Thursday
that they would tell the Door Nazi (Ryan Brauth) that they were there to see me perform,
so ya know, I actually could. But did they actually show up? OH NO, NO,
NO. They're as bad as Vinny Beedle, they took my money and ran, and Lady
Gaga was performing at Mohegan that night, not Steve Miller. Look it
up Millenials. To quote my favorite singer ever,
"I'm tired of the gossip, and think I've had enough, so I'm putting two
cripple middle fingers up to these fake ass bitches." And to quote Mick
Foley, especially since his hot daughter is into armpit stuff, haha,
long story, don't ask, "HAVE A NICE DAY!"
