Unpublished Stories

So apparently most of the editors at the New Britain Independent aka the website I write for up and quit. Not sure what that says for the future of my "job" cause ya know, a job should technically pay you or something. Also not sure why four of the editors decided to take their ball and go home but I would love to know that story, I'm sure it would make for an interesting blog post. I know the editor-in-chief went to Central and he resigned first and then the three editors that resigned today were friends of his from Central, the whole thing sounds rather childish and dramatic, just like the rest of my life. I can't even get away from it even at my "job". Figures too because they were allegedly going to start printing a monthly and eventually weekly newspaper in New Britain besides running their website. Plus ya know supposedly they were going to start paying us shmucks too. I should have known it was too good to be true. Anyway in case it never sees the light of day...here is a story I wrote about Tom Thibodeau who was born and raised in New Britain and is now the head coach of the NBA's Minnesota Timberwolves and assistant coach of the US Men's Basketball Olympic Team. Here are some awesome photos I found of him on the Google haha 

Andrew D. Bernstein /NBAE/Getty ImagesAP Photo/Jim Mone

One of the most recognizable and well known teams at this year’s summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro has a tie to New Britain and several residents might be unaware.

                Tom Thibodeau,was born and raised in New Britain, but he has also worked his way into becoming an assistant coach for the USA Basketball Men’s National Team. Thibodeau has been an assistant coach on the National Team since 2013.

                Known for his skills as a defensive leader, Thibodeau serves as the defensive coach for the Men’s National Team under head coach Mike Krzyzewski. The Men’s National Team is seeking their third straight gold medal, and so far has yet to lose a game in Rio.

                Thibodeau achieved most of his success as head coach of the NBA’s Chicago Bulls. In 2011, he won NBA Coach of the Year, after he led the Bulls to a 62-20 record in the regular season. The following season, he became the fastest head coach in NBA history to reach 100 career victories.  

                After failing to get the Bulls out of the second round of the NBA playoffs during the 2014-15 season, and despite getting Chicago into the playoffs every season as head coach, Thibodeau was fired after five seasons. However in April of this year, Thibodeau was named head coach and president of basketball operations for the Minnesota Timberwolves.  

Originally a standout player at Salem State College, Thibodeau helped lead his team to consecutive appearances in the Division III national tournaments during his sophomore and junior years. In his senior season, in which Thibodeau also served as a captain, he led his school to its first ever league title and appearance in the NCAA Tournament.

                Upon graduating from Salem State College, Thibodeau immediately took a job as an assistant coach at his alma mater in 1981. In 1984, he became the head coach at Salem State, before leaving the next year to become an assistant coach at Harvard University.

                In 1989, Thibodeau took his first job in the NBA as an assistant coach for a then expansion franchise Timberwolves. From there he served as an assistant coach for several NBA teams including the San Antonia Spurs, Philadelphia 76ers, New York Knicks, Houston Rockets, and the Boston Celtics.

                It was with the Knicks that Thibodeau began to make a name for himself as a coach in the NBA. In 1999, Thibodeau as an assistant coach to then-Knicks head coach Jeff Van Gundy helped lead the Knicks to the NBA Finals. During the 2000-01 season, he helped the Knicks set a then-NBA record of 33 consecutive games holding opponents under 100 points.

As an assistant coach in 2008, he won an NBA title with the Celtics. Two years later, he earned his first NBA head coaching job with the Bulls.  

Thibodeau is thought to love basketball so much, that he has never been married or had any children. 

Here is another story I wrote about a player on the New Britain Bees who got signed by the Cleveland Indians, not as interesting but didnt want to waste my time writing it for nothing so here it is....pictures courtesy of the New Britain Bees website so don't sue me assholes!

Middletown, Connecticut native Shawn Haviland was the latest New Britain Bee to have his contract purchased by a Major League Baseball team, last week when he was signed by the Cleveland Indian organization.
Haviland is now playing for the Columbus Clippers the Indians AAA team.
“Shawn has been a great asset to both the starting rotation and the bullpen this season, and has certainly earned this opportunity,” said Bees Manager Stan Cliburn. “We wish him the absolute best with the Indians organization.”
He was the first member of the Bees to ever make a relief appearance. This season, Haviland started in the bullpen, before he was moved into the starting rotation after Josh Zeid’s contract was purchased by the New York Mets.
In 94.1 innings Haviland struck out 70 batters and had an ERA of 3.33, which was seventh in the Atlantic League when his contract was purchased. Haviland has also played in the minors for the Oakland Athletics, Chicago White Sox and Boston Red Sox.
The 30-year-old is the sixth Bees player and pitcher to have his contract purchased by a Major League Baseball team. He joins Nick Greenwood (Minnesota Twins), Josh Zeid (New York Mets), Josh Outman (Pittsburgh Pirates), Cole Johnson (Arizona Diamondbacks) and Eric Fornataro (Baltimore Orioles).
Greenwood was signed by the Twins in May and is currently pitching for their AAA team the Rochester Red Wings. Zeid was signed by the Mets in June and is currently pitching in AAA for the Las Vegas 51’s. Outman was signed by the Pirates in July and is currently pitching for the Indianapolis Indians in AAA. Johnson was signed by the Diamondbacks in July and is currently pitching in AA for the Mobile BayBears.
Fornataro was signed by the Baltimore Orioles before the Bees season even began. However, two weeks later he was released by the Orioles and signed back on with the Bees in June. On July 31st, Fornataro along with fellow relief pitchers Orlando Santos and Sean Gleason were released by the Bees.
During his time with the Bees Fornataro was 1-4, in 19 games. He appeared in relief in all 19 games and compiled a 5.90 ERA.

Baffled and Bewildered.

Baffled, I am truly baffled. Like yeah, I know I'm a huge dick but I have never had so much trouble finding someone to work for me since I hired a chick obsessed with hats and soccer. You know you've hit bottom when she is the best thing that you find off Craigslist...ya know the website famous for ordering hookers and blow off of it. Oh, one time I sold a gross couch I found in a storage unit on there, so yeah, I don't know why I can't find good workers on there. You know you're desperate when you're posting in groups called "Sassy Mom's Tag-sale" on Facebook looking for help. I think it was Florence and the Machine that once said, "It's always darkest before the dawn. Shake it off, shake it off!" Wow, that was really fucking deep for me. I haven't gotten that deep since I wrote a missed connection on craigslist looking for Ugg boot girl when I was a grad student at QU. I never found that bitch, what the hell. I should have known I would never find happiness after that, but yet I still pursue it to this day. Damn that was deep too. My philosophy teacher would be proud of me. Though fuck her, she gave me a C and she always had a creepy neck brace on the whole time. Whats up with that shit. It was like 10 years ago and I still remember. Sure, I deserved that C because I never read or studied a single minute for that class, but I thought philosophy was your own interpretation of things anyway. Just call me Crippletes!

So, today I had the brilliant idea of group texting workers past and present asking about a bunch of shifts I need covered for the next week, because if my mom and I spend too much time together we are a thrown chair away from a Jerry Springer episode and I am so nice to everyone that works for me that the only people that come in anymore are two former strippers, a hippie, a creepy Canadian and an awkward turtle. It is like a horrible remake of the Breakfast Club up in this bitch, except I am pretty sure none of us are going to be friends in the end, wait that's what happened in the movie too. Ya know, if we run into each other in public years from now we might give each other a look like "Yeah, we survived that together." Just like Nam. Ya know, Viet Nam, with the Charlies in the trees. But you know, we will never, and I mean ever, speak of the horrors that we witnessed in those years. Fucking Johnson's head was blown off in a foxhole right next to me. I still got the blood stained uniform to prove it. How many people have I offended with this post right now? A lot I hope! Nah, the worse thing I went through with a worker in the past few years was having a stripper who I am pretty sure is someone's grandma shove her boobs in my face, and my workers thought it would be funny to take a picture of it. If I survived that, I can survive anything...sure I am surviving the diabeetus, Muscular Dystrophy, numerous attempts at bankruptcy, alcohol poisoning, suicidal depression, and being in the ICU once for two weeks because I stopped breathing, but nothing, and I mean nothing, will be having to try to survive, having a grandma shove her boobs in my face!

Anyway back to the group text, I got 3 responses. The first was the wife bitching me out because she thought I was cutting or asking her not to come in, when in fact I was only asking her to work more hours. God forbid she says yes when all she does is complain about not having any money. Who works for money these days? I myself work for bitcoins, but that's the future of money until some Asian hacker steals all of mine. Whats with my racism directed at Asians today? I love me some hot Asian chicks, plus they make some killer food, and I am really enjoying that couple on Lost. Do you think I will have a job after this? Probably not, but it's OK because the job actually requires an organization to pay Sir Cripple in either goods or services, and I am still waiting for my bitcoins and rabbit pelts... my biological clock is ticking, I can't pay that dowry on my own. Where the fuck am I going to get a cow from. Maybe that girl I used to be in love with that lived in VT she lived on a cow farm, I shit you not. She is kind of like Voldermort in Harry Potter, as in she is the one who shall not be named. MEEEEEGGGGGGGGG, WHHYYYYYY CANT YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN THE CHEESE CURDS??? I still have that plastic barn you gave me in a plastic bag in a closet in my house, sometimes I pull it out just so I can cry over it and think about the good old days back in 2011. This is too soon, I am not ready to talk about this anymore.

Ok, finally for the other two texts...the first basically said fuck off, I am never coming back because I have too many family issues going on right now, aka I hate you and I never want to see you again. Ok didnt exactly say that. Here is what it said:

Yeah so basically, "fuck off you're dead to me." The other one is even better because this girl is super religious so she is too nice to be a flat out bitch. But basically she texted me and said, "Can you take me out of your group texts for now. Hope all is well." As you can see here:

By the way, do you like how I have her in my contacts? Incase you're too dumb it's a picture of Jesus, or as I like to call her Jesus Jessica! The power of Christ compels her...Jesus fucking christ Robert, he died for your sins show some respect!

That was the nicest fuck off I ever got. It's like yeah, I know you're disabled and your cats cant take care of you, but I have a good paying job now so I am never fucking coming back to help you, you disabled asshole! But for the bible tell her so, she worded it a lot better. Amen and peace be with you!

Sit Down Comedian

I know I have used that joke 100 times but I couldn't think of a better post for this title. I was supposed to do my sit down comedy debut again tonight but of course it didn't happen...yeah yeah maybe if I was nicer to people I could find rides to things. Plus, the last time I was supposed to do it I got really drunk a few days before and lets just say my chair smelled like pee really bad four days after that. Needless to say I did not want to make a first impression on people by smelling like urine and stinking up an entire room. But I really feel bad for blowing it off twice especially because it was for my people, ya know the crips and disabled. Maybe I'll be brave and look for an open mic night because I can't go back there until October now. If I piss my wheelchair or can't find a ride by then I give up on life. Since I'll try and write some new material by then here is what I had for my first performance. Keep in mind I was asked to keep it PG - PG13 so that is why it is not as bad and offensive as I usually am. Hope you enjoy....

I’ve never done this before…you will probably be able to tell…some people go to the Grammy’s or Oscar’s for their make a wish, I chose standup comedy or in my case more like sit down comedy!

Not really, for my actual make a wish I went to the Superbowl in New Orleans, now I am not saying I am bad luck but four years after that Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans and that city is still recovering 11 years later.

Seriously though, I have the worst luck…first of all I won the genetic lottery by having muscular dystrophy…you know the odds of getting SMA are…1 in 6,000. You know what you have better odds of getting struck by lightning, being hit by a car or playing in the NFL...with luck like that you would think I would win every time I go to the casino or horse track, but hey at least I have put a lot of Native American children through college!

As you can see I am a Mets fan and I got this lovely fedora at the last game I went to….doesn’t it make me look fedorable?

So because of my disability I have to hire people to take care of me 24/7…this often leads to hilarious situations especially because I am a typical shallow guy and only like to hire pretty women to help me and trust me whatever God gave them in looks he took it away in brains! My favorite is when I go somewhere at night and when they are locking up my van they ask me to stay near them in case a mugger comes along…ummmmm have you looked at me?! What the hell am I going to do even if a mugger came up to you I got one move ready for it...? It’s me driving into their shins as fast as I can and if that doesn’t work I’m all out of ideas. Plus half the time when I am driving my chair my head falls down or my arm falls off the controller…so we’ll just have to say “Um hold on a minute sir! I just have to readjust my head and arm before I try to drive my chair into you!”

Now I will freely admit it can be a little difficult to understand me thanks to this wonderful disease, but there is this one girl who works for me that legit just stares at me like I am speaking Chinese or something. I will say something like, “Hey Erica can you go heat something up in the fridge for me for dinner,” and that is when I get the look…you know that deer in headlights look like,  “Oh man I know I am supposed to do something right now, but have no idea what!” So usually Erica will slightly turn her head, look at me with her big eyes and just stare for about 20-30 seconds. Then we play what I like to call the guessing game where I have to figure out if she actually understood what I asked and is just taking a moment to go ahead and do it, or if she has no idea what the hell I said!

My other favorite is when people meet me for the first time, you can always tell if they haven’t dealt with a lot of disabled people before…I am sure some of you have gotten this before…people either walk up to you, put their face about two inches from yours and start screaming and talking really slowly…I am in a wheelchair not hearing impaired. This one time at the hospital the nurse was shouting questions at me so loudly that I think the people in the morgue could hear her.

I also like when I go to the bank or casino and they ask me to sign my name to something. What indication made you think that was even a possibility? Then if I ask if I can sign it with my signature stamp or have my assistant sign it they usually say, “No I can’t allow that. I can lose my job or go to jail for that.” Seriously people, maybe this is how Trump is about to become our next President!

I also enjoy that awkward moment when I first meet someone and they go to shake my hand “Um man or sir did you take a good look at me before you stuck your hand out? How did you think this was going to end for us?” It usually goes one or two ways, they awkwardly put their hand down and look at me like I’m so rude or they try to do the President Obama weird fist pump thing that he does with his wife.

Speaking of politics, am I the only one dreading this next election? If Trump wins, I am moving to Canada or Mexico for the next 4-8 years. And does anyone want Hilary near the button for the nuclear launch? She’s so frigid that Bill had to turn to interns that ended up being in Jenny Craig commercials after their 15 minutes of fame ran out!

My other favorite is my last name, for those of you that don’t know my last name is Held, like the word. But, every time I have to tell someone my last name over the phone I get, “Huh, what,” or “Meld, Helt, or Hield” and then they ask how to spell it and I always say the same thing…HELD, like the actual word! This is a true story, my first day of high school I will never forget it…in one of my classes they got my last name right, but they thought that my first name was Michael. How they got Michael from Robert I will never know. Then in a different class, Michael was gone, but instead my name had turned into Robert Meld! Seriously people, you really think someone has the last name Meld or better yet Hell?

Speaking of growing up, I grew up in the lovely town of Cheshire, CT. Yeah it’s as terrible as it sounds. First of all, the town is 7 miles long by 14 miles wide and yet for some reason this town doesn’t have anything cool like a movie theater or concert venue, but it has 3 Dunkin Donuts, 2 Rite-Aids and CVS’s and oh about a half a dozen pizza places and Chinese restaurants. Seriously why does a town that small need that many Dunkin Donuts probably because the cops in this hometown have nothing better to do but pick up road kill and bust up high school parties. Plus, let’s not forget…everyone runs on Dunkin!

My town is famous for two things, one of them I can’t really make jokes about because I told Tim that I would keep this a clean show, but if you really want to know Google it and you will quickly realize that yes handicapped people can still go to Hell. The other thing Cheshire is famous for is the guy that played Dawson on Dawson’s Creek, grew up here. You know the one that looks, sounds and walks like a duck and hasn’t been in anything since the Clinton administration.

I didn’t really have a lot of friends growing up in this town because in Cheshire if you don’t have money people don’t care about you. For example, one time a kid in my class had a limo come pick him up to take him to the airport for his family’s vacation. When I went to my high school prom, my sister drove me in my mini-van! It’s not really anyone’s fault, my mom is just an accountant so unless there is a tax write-off for it she will probably say that it is an unnecessary expense! We weren’t rich by any means growing up, but trust me when I tell you accountants make good money! That being said, my mom never liked to spend any of it. It was my uncle’s birthday the other day and my mom had used birthday candles saved in a old pill bottle…seriously what does a pack of birthday candles cost? I don’t even think they cost a dollar at the dollar store! I’m not kidding and Christmas last year was a big year, I got Cheez-its, mouth and face wash, socks, a sweater, some pants, and dental floss. Everything was deemed unnecessary and too expensive! My sister is just as bad her and my brother in law got me three litter boxes for my cats…seriously nothing else just three litter boxes which I’m pretty sure is a gift for my cats and not me!

Well I am assuming by now the people at Make a Wish want me to wrap this up soon so I can roll on out of here. Now this might shock you people especially because I am so incredibly good looking and all, but I have never had a lot of luck with the ladies until recently. I thought you were supposed to stop doing that stuff in your 20s, but every since I turned 30 I have been having to chase them off…seriously I know it’s probably hard to imagine, but try not to laugh too much. Now being naïve I always thought I would want to be in a relationship, but now that I actually have been I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy! Guys in the audience let me leave you with this advice, everything you say and do is wrong, she is always right and if you ever hear these dreadful words you are in HUGE trouble…ready…”IT’S FINE!” Guys, if a girl says that, then it really means go run to the storm shelter, put your head between your legs to kiss your butt goodbye and maybe, just maybe, if you are lucky you will somehow survive until FEMA or the Red Cross arrives.

Thank you so much! Goodnight! 

Did you like it? I hope so, at least I still have my balloons. Can you tell I've quit showering on Mondays? If not look at my hair in this photo. 

Also, I found out there is a swimmer for the US mens team named Ryan Held. He won a gold medal with Michael Phelps in some relay race the other night. Now I may or may not have pretended he's my cousin but sorry gold diggers and wanna be hangers on, I'm not actually related to him as far as I know. Then again, I know very little about my dads side of the family. I usually only see those relatives on Christmas, so I guess you never know. For those of you who don't know he was the one crying like a baby on the podium after the race. Even Michael Phelps looked like he was thinking "DUDE ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE!" Yeah maybe I don't want to be related to him. Here is a picture of him weeping. 

Meet me at Foxwoods!

Last night I went to one of my favorite places in the world..the CASINO! For once it wasn't to worsen my gambling problem although I did lose $100 but that was only thanks to my mom for giving me that money. Fuck you Big Bang Theory slot machine, I should of kept playing the Monopoly one that one at least kept paying. Instead it was to meet the must awesome super fantastic band in the world.. O-Town..if you don't know who they are like 75% of my workers.. please kill yourself. There a boy band from the early 2000s who had about 4 hit songs and were the original Making the Band band..before P-diddy came along and made it ghetto and horrible to watch. It was the theme of the concert tour a bunch of washed up pop singers from the late 90s/early 2000s besides O-Town there was also Dream, Ryan Cabrera (not sure how he fit into this group) and 98 Degrees aka the band of the former Mr. Jessica Simpson aka Nick Lachey. I already met O-Town once but OMG if you bought a shirt, poster or both you got to meet them after the show to. Of course I bought both and pretended one of the items was for my worker so I could have them sign both. I paid for it with my credit card before people bitch at me and including the concert tickets too. Did I mention I was the first one in line to meet them?!

 Here is a picture of me and awkward turtle with the guys from O-Town, and here is a selfie of me and my fav member of O-Town Erik Michael Estrada... who once dated the girl that plays Zenon in those Disney movies and then was on days and is now in General Hospital.

A funny thing happened on the way to meeting them. While my worker was waiting in the horribly long and slow merch line (it's what I pay them the big bucks for) this lady came up to me in the lobby and proceeded to have one of the most interesting convos with me ever. First she asked if I liked O-Town and liked their performance which of course I said Yeah it was Fucking awesome!!!!! Then she asked me if I thought Jacob Underwood was hot...for those that don't know he's one of the members from O-Town. I didn't really know what to say so I said yeah I guess.. and then she went oh you're straight?!?!? Don't know why she thought I was gay just because I was at a early 2000s boy band concert wearing a gold O-Town shirt with their poster sitting in my lap and another O-Town shirt behind me standing in line to meet them for 90 minutes.... wait I'm starting to see why now.  You see some funny shit when you are waiting in the lobby at a concert. I saw a drunk/high guy talk his way back into the concert after telling the security guard he would behave. Not even two minutes later his girlfriend comes running out saying were leaving with him following her and a dozen security guards following him. Then while I was standing in the O-Town line I saw another lady get kicked out of the concert and on her way out of the concert venue doors she threw a drink in the security guards face. I'm assuming she spent a night sleeping it off in Foxwoods Casino jail.

But the final adventure came when I was eating dinner after the concert. It was in the food court in the Fox Tower. I am sitting with awkward turtle when I see this guy rubbing an and hitting his mom I believe in the back. Then it looked like he was trying to help her not choke and I could hear her making choking noises. Meanwhile, everyone she was with is just kinda standing there starring at her along with the rest of the food court. At least one guy ran up to them and said my wife is a nurse here with me if you need her help. My favorite was the lady screaming across the food court RAISE YOUR ARMS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!! Um lady I doubt she's even calm enough to hear you say that and instead of shouting it why don't you come over and help her do it. So yeah I know I might have been a little dramatic but I made awkward turtle call 911 because I really didn't want to watch this lady die in front of me because no one else was really doing much. Foxwoods must have their own paramedic crew because as soon as awkward turtle called 911 3 of them showed up in about 5 minutes along with half a dozen foxwoods employees. Here's a picture of the stretcher.. don't worry I didn't put the lady in it to protect her identity.  They wanted to take her to the hospital but she refused so I guess she was okay.

Finally 98 Degrees official instagram liked my photo from last night here is proof!!!!!

Hypocrisy

Yeap I had to look up on google how to spell that. It's like my sixth grade spelling bee all over again. I was doing so well until I got the word gymnasium and then just like the rest of my life, it was all down hill. If I had known in 1997 it wouldn't get better maybe I would have just gave up then.


The sad part is I kind of looked like this in 1997

Anyway I was watching this docu-series on Netflix called "Last Chance University" it's about a junior college football program in Mississippi that basically builds a stacked team every season with guys that either have a criminal history or poor grades or lost their starting job at a top college football program so guys go there for two years to try ad work their way into a better college football program. Putting a group of 50-75 guys who are between the age of 18 and 21 together who all have troubled pasts and mostly come from troubled areas with troubled families, what could possibly go wrong? Just about everything you can think of and more. First of all, the head coach is a fat ass hole who pretends he cares about these guys but the second they cant play for him anymore I doubt he give two flying fucks about what happens to him unless they are one of his success stories. In one of the episodes he literally gets into a fist fight with a referee and gets suspended for two games. Later on in the series his entire team gets into a brawl with another team and he says how stupid and ghetto and thuggish they are. Um hello you're the one recruiting troubled youth to your football team because you want to win so badly. On top of that it is okay for you to fight a referee on the sidelines but they can't fight a team that is literally stomping one of their players into the ground? Maybe if it wasn't 48-0 and you called two times outs with a minute left in the first half, the other team wouldn't have started beating the crap out of your team. Great leader of troubled young men this guy is. Of course he still has his job despite fighting a referee, running up scores, allowing his team to brawl with another team so they had to forfeit the rest of their season, and basically use a bunch of derogatory terms for African Americans, which mostly made up that team, but yup he still has a job because it's Mississippi and he wins. This is why Donald Trump will be our next president!
 

Then there is the creepy academic advisor lady. She pretends to care about these kids too but she is basically a paid babysitter. Her job, I am not kidding, is to make sure these kids do their homework, don't have more than 4 absences from 1 class and "tutor" them. Besides the fact that every time she was on I got this grossed out feeling because I felt like she was either flirting with or screwing half that team, she helped half these guys get away with murder. See in order to play Division I football students have to have a 2.5 GPA in a certain amount of classes. Somehow these guys still passed when they had 4 absences in the first month of the semester while taking such difficult classes as human development, English, comp, and some type of life skills class. My dad worked with developmentally disabled people and they took harder classes and did better than them. Also, I thought the classes I took where I got to watch episodes of The Office, Family Guy, and 1 entire class just about the show Six Feet Under was a waste of time. This one player literally had over 20 tests and quizzes to make up and somehow was eligible to play the whole season and still got a scholarship to a Division I school as long as he graduated in May which I think he did. When I went to SCSU I failed two classes and got a D in another and nobody felt bad for me or bent over backwards to help me pass. I guess cause I can't catch a ball or run down a field fast. These are important life skills and you know what the best part is? My GPA at SCSU was still higher than a 2.5 and these fuckers only have a GPA of 2.5 to keep over four semesters. It's so hard playing football and getting a free education I feel so sorry for them. Oh wait, no I don't. And this is why Donald Trump will be our next president!

Then there was the players themselves. I never seen a bigger bunch of cry babies who are supposed to be grown ass men on the verge of making it to a top college football program if not the NFL. Besides the fact that it was a joke that they are considered students when they are only there to help the football team, I am pretty sure all the guys they focused on were drunk, high, barely literate or all three. One guy even had the balls to say while the cameras were still on to a college recruiter that he would only go to his school if he bribed him with a bunch of gifts. I don't know what was funnier, the fact that he was dumb enough to say that in front of a camera, or the fact that the recruiter pretended like his school doesn't do that. Dude there are more NCAA athletic violations for bribing athletes every season then money I have lost at the casino...and that's saying something. Then every time one of the players had to sit out with an injury or lost their starting job they would throw a temper tantrum, threaten to pack their stuff up and go home. Go home to what? This one guy lived in a neighborhood where there were drive by shootings every weekend and the top high school recruit from his home town died in a drug deal gone bad. Yeah I think I would stay in Mississippi getting my free education and college degree rather then return home to that, even if my football career ended there. Then there was the back up quarterback, he was the most brilliant of all. First of all, his name was Wyatt Roberts, really is there a more perfect name for a quarterback in a college in Mississippi. First he was mad because his whole first season there he had to serve as a backup to Jim Kelly's nephew. Oh yeah, if a guy is a relative of a hall of fame quarterback you are probably not going to start over him. Then he wins the job over a guy that transferred from Florida State but gets hurt. While he is hurt and before the team brawl, the guy from Florida State has a great game and gets recruited to Auburn, another top college football program. Wyatt being the genius that he is turns down scholarship offers to play football at Division II schools, yeah you probably wont get to the NFL there but you get a free education and are able to play football for two more years. Instead, he decides to quit football and become a full time student at Mississippi State. At least he is finishing college, but why would you give up a free education and two more years of playing football because of your pride? This is why Donald Trump will be our next president.

Finally, I know wrestling is fake but I like it anyways and I like trying to figure out whats going to happen. Most recently, a wrestler named Roman Reigns failed a drug test for WWE. He was suspended for 30 days and not allowed to appear on TV or at any shows during that time. Rumor has it the drug he tested positive for was Adderal. Not condoing the fact that he did it, but there is a lot worse drugs you could test positive for. Now another wrestler, who is way more famous and is also a UFC fighter named Brock Lesnar recently fought his first UFC fight in 5 years last month and won. After the match all the talked about was how dominant he was after a 5 year broke and WWE used it to promote his appearance at SummerSlam later this month. See Brock Lesnar is allowed to fight for WWE basically whenever he feels like it because he is also a recognizable name outside of WWE so they'll take him whenever they can get him. Now after his dominant UFC fight win that WWE was bragging about so much turns out he tested positive for steroids in his pre-fight drug test. He says it was because of an asthma medication he takes, but if thats true, then I also won the Australian lottery and now I have to get a Nigerian prince my bank account information. So of course now WWE does not talk about how he failed this test or how he won the UFC fight. But do you think he got suspended for 30 days? Hell no, his fight is still scheduled for Summerslam and he has been appearing all over TV for WWE and at their shows leading up to it. And this is why Donald Trump will be our next President!


Yeah hes not on steroids
                                      






  "I get no respect, no respect I tell ya"