Baffled and Bewildered.

Baffled, I am truly baffled. Like yeah, I know I'm a huge dick but I have never had so much trouble finding someone to work for me since I hired a chick obsessed with hats and soccer. You know you've hit bottom when she is the best thing that you find off Craigslist...ya know the website famous for ordering hookers and blow off of it. Oh, one time I sold a gross couch I found in a storage unit on there, so yeah, I don't know why I can't find good workers on there. You know you're desperate when you're posting in groups called "Sassy Mom's Tag-sale" on Facebook looking for help. I think it was Florence and the Machine that once said, "It's always darkest before the dawn. Shake it off, shake it off!" Wow, that was really fucking deep for me. I haven't gotten that deep since I wrote a missed connection on craigslist looking for Ugg boot girl when I was a grad student at QU. I never found that bitch, what the hell. I should have known I would never find happiness after that, but yet I still pursue it to this day. Damn that was deep too. My philosophy teacher would be proud of me. Though fuck her, she gave me a C and she always had a creepy neck brace on the whole time. Whats up with that shit. It was like 10 years ago and I still remember. Sure, I deserved that C because I never read or studied a single minute for that class, but I thought philosophy was your own interpretation of things anyway. Just call me Crippletes!

So, today I had the brilliant idea of group texting workers past and present asking about a bunch of shifts I need covered for the next week, because if my mom and I spend too much time together we are a thrown chair away from a Jerry Springer episode and I am so nice to everyone that works for me that the only people that come in anymore are two former strippers, a hippie, a creepy Canadian and an awkward turtle. It is like a horrible remake of the Breakfast Club up in this bitch, except I am pretty sure none of us are going to be friends in the end, wait that's what happened in the movie too. Ya know, if we run into each other in public years from now we might give each other a look like "Yeah, we survived that together." Just like Nam. Ya know, Viet Nam, with the Charlies in the trees. But you know, we will never, and I mean ever, speak of the horrors that we witnessed in those years. Fucking Johnson's head was blown off in a foxhole right next to me. I still got the blood stained uniform to prove it. How many people have I offended with this post right now? A lot I hope! Nah, the worse thing I went through with a worker in the past few years was having a stripper who I am pretty sure is someone's grandma shove her boobs in my face, and my workers thought it would be funny to take a picture of it. If I survived that, I can survive anything...sure I am surviving the diabeetus, Muscular Dystrophy, numerous attempts at bankruptcy, alcohol poisoning, suicidal depression, and being in the ICU once for two weeks because I stopped breathing, but nothing, and I mean nothing, will be having to try to survive, having a grandma shove her boobs in my face!

Anyway back to the group text, I got 3 responses. The first was the wife bitching me out because she thought I was cutting or asking her not to come in, when in fact I was only asking her to work more hours. God forbid she says yes when all she does is complain about not having any money. Who works for money these days? I myself work for bitcoins, but that's the future of money until some Asian hacker steals all of mine. Whats with my racism directed at Asians today? I love me some hot Asian chicks, plus they make some killer food, and I am really enjoying that couple on Lost. Do you think I will have a job after this? Probably not, but it's OK because the job actually requires an organization to pay Sir Cripple in either goods or services, and I am still waiting for my bitcoins and rabbit pelts... my biological clock is ticking, I can't pay that dowry on my own. Where the fuck am I going to get a cow from. Maybe that girl I used to be in love with that lived in VT she lived on a cow farm, I shit you not. She is kind of like Voldermort in Harry Potter, as in she is the one who shall not be named. MEEEEEGGGGGGGGG, WHHYYYYYY CANT YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN THE CHEESE CURDS??? I still have that plastic barn you gave me in a plastic bag in a closet in my house, sometimes I pull it out just so I can cry over it and think about the good old days back in 2011. This is too soon, I am not ready to talk about this anymore.

Ok, finally for the other two texts...the first basically said fuck off, I am never coming back because I have too many family issues going on right now, aka I hate you and I never want to see you again. Ok didnt exactly say that. Here is what it said:

Yeah so basically, "fuck off you're dead to me." The other one is even better because this girl is super religious so she is too nice to be a flat out bitch. But basically she texted me and said, "Can you take me out of your group texts for now. Hope all is well." As you can see here:

By the way, do you like how I have her in my contacts? Incase you're too dumb it's a picture of Jesus, or as I like to call her Jesus Jessica! The power of Christ compels her...Jesus fucking christ Robert, he died for your sins show some respect!

That was the nicest fuck off I ever got. It's like yeah, I know you're disabled and your cats cant take care of you, but I have a good paying job now so I am never fucking coming back to help you, you disabled asshole! But for the bible tell her so, she worded it a lot better. Amen and peace be with you!