Sit Down Comedian

I know I have used that joke 100 times but I couldn't think of a better post for this title. I was supposed to do my sit down comedy debut again tonight but of course it didn't happen...yeah yeah maybe if I was nicer to people I could find rides to things. Plus, the last time I was supposed to do it I got really drunk a few days before and lets just say my chair smelled like pee really bad four days after that. Needless to say I did not want to make a first impression on people by smelling like urine and stinking up an entire room. But I really feel bad for blowing it off twice especially because it was for my people, ya know the crips and disabled. Maybe I'll be brave and look for an open mic night because I can't go back there until October now. If I piss my wheelchair or can't find a ride by then I give up on life. Since I'll try and write some new material by then here is what I had for my first performance. Keep in mind I was asked to keep it PG - PG13 so that is why it is not as bad and offensive as I usually am. Hope you enjoy....

I’ve never done this before…you will probably be able to tell…some people go to the Grammy’s or Oscar’s for their make a wish, I chose standup comedy or in my case more like sit down comedy!

Not really, for my actual make a wish I went to the Superbowl in New Orleans, now I am not saying I am bad luck but four years after that Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans and that city is still recovering 11 years later.

Seriously though, I have the worst luck…first of all I won the genetic lottery by having muscular dystrophy…you know the odds of getting SMA are…1 in 6,000. You know what you have better odds of getting struck by lightning, being hit by a car or playing in the NFL...with luck like that you would think I would win every time I go to the casino or horse track, but hey at least I have put a lot of Native American children through college!

As you can see I am a Mets fan and I got this lovely fedora at the last game I went to….doesn’t it make me look fedorable?

So because of my disability I have to hire people to take care of me 24/7…this often leads to hilarious situations especially because I am a typical shallow guy and only like to hire pretty women to help me and trust me whatever God gave them in looks he took it away in brains! My favorite is when I go somewhere at night and when they are locking up my van they ask me to stay near them in case a mugger comes along…ummmmm have you looked at me?! What the hell am I going to do even if a mugger came up to you I got one move ready for it...? It’s me driving into their shins as fast as I can and if that doesn’t work I’m all out of ideas. Plus half the time when I am driving my chair my head falls down or my arm falls off the controller…so we’ll just have to say “Um hold on a minute sir! I just have to readjust my head and arm before I try to drive my chair into you!”

Now I will freely admit it can be a little difficult to understand me thanks to this wonderful disease, but there is this one girl who works for me that legit just stares at me like I am speaking Chinese or something. I will say something like, “Hey Erica can you go heat something up in the fridge for me for dinner,” and that is when I get the look…you know that deer in headlights look like,  “Oh man I know I am supposed to do something right now, but have no idea what!” So usually Erica will slightly turn her head, look at me with her big eyes and just stare for about 20-30 seconds. Then we play what I like to call the guessing game where I have to figure out if she actually understood what I asked and is just taking a moment to go ahead and do it, or if she has no idea what the hell I said!

My other favorite is when people meet me for the first time, you can always tell if they haven’t dealt with a lot of disabled people before…I am sure some of you have gotten this before…people either walk up to you, put their face about two inches from yours and start screaming and talking really slowly…I am in a wheelchair not hearing impaired. This one time at the hospital the nurse was shouting questions at me so loudly that I think the people in the morgue could hear her.

I also like when I go to the bank or casino and they ask me to sign my name to something. What indication made you think that was even a possibility? Then if I ask if I can sign it with my signature stamp or have my assistant sign it they usually say, “No I can’t allow that. I can lose my job or go to jail for that.” Seriously people, maybe this is how Trump is about to become our next President!

I also enjoy that awkward moment when I first meet someone and they go to shake my hand “Um man or sir did you take a good look at me before you stuck your hand out? How did you think this was going to end for us?” It usually goes one or two ways, they awkwardly put their hand down and look at me like I’m so rude or they try to do the President Obama weird fist pump thing that he does with his wife.

Speaking of politics, am I the only one dreading this next election? If Trump wins, I am moving to Canada or Mexico for the next 4-8 years. And does anyone want Hilary near the button for the nuclear launch? She’s so frigid that Bill had to turn to interns that ended up being in Jenny Craig commercials after their 15 minutes of fame ran out!

My other favorite is my last name, for those of you that don’t know my last name is Held, like the word. But, every time I have to tell someone my last name over the phone I get, “Huh, what,” or “Meld, Helt, or Hield” and then they ask how to spell it and I always say the same thing…HELD, like the actual word! This is a true story, my first day of high school I will never forget it…in one of my classes they got my last name right, but they thought that my first name was Michael. How they got Michael from Robert I will never know. Then in a different class, Michael was gone, but instead my name had turned into Robert Meld! Seriously people, you really think someone has the last name Meld or better yet Hell?

Speaking of growing up, I grew up in the lovely town of Cheshire, CT. Yeah it’s as terrible as it sounds. First of all, the town is 7 miles long by 14 miles wide and yet for some reason this town doesn’t have anything cool like a movie theater or concert venue, but it has 3 Dunkin Donuts, 2 Rite-Aids and CVS’s and oh about a half a dozen pizza places and Chinese restaurants. Seriously why does a town that small need that many Dunkin Donuts probably because the cops in this hometown have nothing better to do but pick up road kill and bust up high school parties. Plus, let’s not forget…everyone runs on Dunkin!

My town is famous for two things, one of them I can’t really make jokes about because I told Tim that I would keep this a clean show, but if you really want to know Google it and you will quickly realize that yes handicapped people can still go to Hell. The other thing Cheshire is famous for is the guy that played Dawson on Dawson’s Creek, grew up here. You know the one that looks, sounds and walks like a duck and hasn’t been in anything since the Clinton administration.

I didn’t really have a lot of friends growing up in this town because in Cheshire if you don’t have money people don’t care about you. For example, one time a kid in my class had a limo come pick him up to take him to the airport for his family’s vacation. When I went to my high school prom, my sister drove me in my mini-van! It’s not really anyone’s fault, my mom is just an accountant so unless there is a tax write-off for it she will probably say that it is an unnecessary expense! We weren’t rich by any means growing up, but trust me when I tell you accountants make good money! That being said, my mom never liked to spend any of it. It was my uncle’s birthday the other day and my mom had used birthday candles saved in a old pill bottle…seriously what does a pack of birthday candles cost? I don’t even think they cost a dollar at the dollar store! I’m not kidding and Christmas last year was a big year, I got Cheez-its, mouth and face wash, socks, a sweater, some pants, and dental floss. Everything was deemed unnecessary and too expensive! My sister is just as bad her and my brother in law got me three litter boxes for my cats…seriously nothing else just three litter boxes which I’m pretty sure is a gift for my cats and not me!

Well I am assuming by now the people at Make a Wish want me to wrap this up soon so I can roll on out of here. Now this might shock you people especially because I am so incredibly good looking and all, but I have never had a lot of luck with the ladies until recently. I thought you were supposed to stop doing that stuff in your 20s, but every since I turned 30 I have been having to chase them off…seriously I know it’s probably hard to imagine, but try not to laugh too much. Now being naïve I always thought I would want to be in a relationship, but now that I actually have been I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy! Guys in the audience let me leave you with this advice, everything you say and do is wrong, she is always right and if you ever hear these dreadful words you are in HUGE trouble…ready…”IT’S FINE!” Guys, if a girl says that, then it really means go run to the storm shelter, put your head between your legs to kiss your butt goodbye and maybe, just maybe, if you are lucky you will somehow survive until FEMA or the Red Cross arrives.

Thank you so much! Goodnight! 

Did you like it? I hope so, at least I still have my balloons. Can you tell I've quit showering on Mondays? If not look at my hair in this photo. 

Also, I found out there is a swimmer for the US mens team named Ryan Held. He won a gold medal with Michael Phelps in some relay race the other night. Now I may or may not have pretended he's my cousin but sorry gold diggers and wanna be hangers on, I'm not actually related to him as far as I know. Then again, I know very little about my dads side of the family. I usually only see those relatives on Christmas, so I guess you never know. For those of you who don't know he was the one crying like a baby on the podium after the race. Even Michael Phelps looked like he was thinking "DUDE ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE!" Yeah maybe I don't want to be related to him. Here is a picture of him weeping.