My life has gotten crazy. Still haven't found anyone to replace Gimpy or the mom. Every time I think I have something goes horribly horribly wrong. The first person I was going to hire replace them was really nice and I'm not trying to be a fat-ist AKA someone who discriminates against fat people, but it seriously affected her trying to help. I wasn't going to write about this but since all she does is ignore my texts and messages on facebook I guess I'll tell the funny version of what happened. A couple of weekends ago Big boobs McGee and I were training her to work for me. Now, keep in mind she was only working for 6 hours by herself after she was done training. Again, I honestly have nothing against fat people, being one of them myself, but after BBM was done giving me a shower we had the terrible idea of trying to have her get me dressed and in my chair. I know those are some sexy images to picture, but try to contain yourself! Anyways, after I'm on the bed you have to sit me up and put me back down a few times to get me dressed. Well, one of those times she went to sit me up and it felt like I took another shower because her hands and arms were so sweaty and it got all over me. Now I'm a germaphob so it took everything I had not to freak out and have one of my Diva fits AKA a Handy-tantrum. I was so grossed out I wanted to scream and I couldn't say anything about it for like 10 more hours until she left. I was never so happy to see the creepy Canadian in my life. On top of that, there was barely enough room for her to get between my chair and the bed and for her to get behind my chair to get me in it. And that's what I get for still living in my same bedroom since I was 5. Anyway, it gets better. After she got me dressed and in my chair she was sweating so much she said she felt lightheaded and BBM had to go get her a cup of water and have her sit down. I know it is hard to get my fat-ass dressed and in my chair but dear god it looked like she ran a marathon after. Worst of all giving me a shower is the hardest part and somebody else did that for her. Then when she was feeding me my lunch she was still sweating and all she was doing was sitting in a chair feeding me which totally means I probably ate her sweat. I'm going to puke on awkward turtle now that I wrote this.
Speaking of gross stories, I went to the Mets game on Saturday. They lost like usual when I go but hey they added Jay Bruce and brought back John Niese so at least they're still trying, and they've won a whole one game in a row haha after losing 4 straight and falling out of the playoffs. So while I was eating my rat flavored hotdog, just kidding I bring my own food because I don't trust any of the food there. If they give me shit about it I just say I have special dietary needs and that stops them from yelling at me. But yeah it was raining so I went into the lounge to eat my dinner after the first two innings because ya know an electric wheelchair in the rain is not a good combo. While I was in there my worker and I purposely moved around some tables so we could clearly see one of the Tvs in there and keep watching the game. Surprisingly, even though we were in New York people were still nice enough to not get in the way of myself and the TV. Once in a while someone would come over and look out the window to see what was happening but they wouldn't stand there very long. Until the annoying chick in the poncho and her boyfriend came along. First of all, this chick was standing there for like 45 minutes before her boyfriend showed up. What the fuck was she doing in there by herself? I don't know! But also while she was waiting I saw her pick her nose which is always attractive to see women doing. Then, her douchebag boyfriend finally returns dressed like a total hipster AKA I don't think her likes her as much as she likes him if you get what I'm saying. But anyways the asshole just stands there in front of me so I can't see out the window or the TV. He finally realized to get out of my way when I took a snapchat of him and said fucking hipster get out of my way. Do I care if he heard me? Not really. But it's okay I saw him kiss his girlfriend after she picked her nose so thats pleasant to think about. Lets go METS! Also, I had a fan/admirer at the Mets game. Yes, he was really drunk and I'm pretty sure he was either a burn victim or army vet or both but it was still a weird moment. I had just finished eating my dinner and saw him looking at me so I already knew something weird was about to happen. Sure enough, he came up to my worker and I and asked how we knew each other because I thought he was just going to hit on her. Boy was I mistaken he was not a fan of her, he was a fan of me. Which, I don't blame him because I'm so awesome but even the wife is smart enough to not tell me how awesome she thinks I am because she already knows I have a very high opinion of myself. But he said he had met a disabled guy with no legs and admired how awesome and courageous he was... and like most able-bodied people I'm assuming that he thinks all us cripples know each other... sure I know a lot of them but there's like 5 in Alaska I still haven't met. Also, while they may not work, I still have my legs but he felt he had to tell me that I was just as brave and awesome as that other guy. Apparently, I'm suppose to sit in the house crying to myself all day about being disabled and how awful it is... wait sometimes I do do that... maybe he had a point! Lets go Mets!
Finally there was my fun weekend adventure. Now, I will take 50% of the responsibility for this because I knew the girl I had come in Friday and Sunday during the day worked/still works at a strip club as a stripper... but my mom had to go to work on Friday and nobody else was available to help me during those two days. Plus, I thought she would somewhat know what to do because she worked as a PCA for a guy I know that went to the same summer camp as me. Looking back on it now I wonder how that ended. You're about to read why. First, she was suppose to be here at 8am on Friday and showed up at 8:30 and didn't even apologize to my mom for making her late to work. Then on top of that I had my mom write her a check for $240 which is about 20 hours pay when she was only working 13. In my defense, she was driving from Mass and she agreed to come at the last minute so I had to do what I had to do to get someone here. Also, when my mom pays people it is every other Tuesday by check and if I pay you through the state company I use they pay every other Friday. So either way you normally have to wait for your money and the max salary per hour is $13.50. So not only did I pay her right away but she got way more than she should have... and then she has the balls to ask my mom if she can have it all in cash instead of a check. I know "you owed someone money" but my mom is an accountant she's not going to do anything off the books especially if it's to pay off your drug dealer! Plus, this is not the strip club my moms not going to be carrying around 240 in cash. If she did I probably would have stole it by now to go gambling. kidding...but not really! Also, by the time she got me showered, dressed, and in my chair that day it was 6pm... and I finished my am pills and "lunch" right before 9pm. I figured there was a reason why my mom stayed out of the house all day that day. Then, on Sunday at least she woke me up at noon instead of 2:30pm. However, as soon as she did and I sat up in my bed she complained that she had such sharp shoulder pain that she could barely breathe. Even my mom knew she was still drunk/hungover or strung out/withdrawing from something. But of course she had to leave which my left my mom to take care of me from 12 until the next person came at 7. Good thing it was the weekend so she didn't have to work and she hadn't gone out that day. Otherwise Flappy, Miley and Charlie would have really had to learn how to take care of me. Or I would have been sitting in my bed by myself for 7 hours. Because she gave no fucks and when BBM tried to text her to confront her about it today all she wrote was lol and then blocked BBM's number. You say you want to quit being a stripper and straighten your life out yet you act like a selfish bitch. No wonder BBM and her other friend want nothing to do with you anymore. Keep going down this road and not only will you not have any friends, but you won't have a job and you'll be living with her on/off again crackhead boyfriend in a van down by the river giving $20 handjobs for crack. Either that or the next logical step is from being a stripper to a porn star. This is what I get when I try to be nice and try to help people turn their life around. This is why I hate people even though I'm forced to have them help me. Most people just want to help me so they can feel better about themselves.
Here's a selfie that my cat took of himself he's so vain. Until next time America, don't forget to thunderpoop! Ps. dolphins are rapists.
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