Hello Friends

Sorry I have not written on here in a while. I am sure my thousands of readers are just so disappointed, by that I mean about five people. I have been busy with my sit down comedy career. Yea I guess it is not technically a career since I have not actually gotten paid to do any shows, in fact I have had to bring people to most of my shows so technically I am actually paying them to preform for five to ten minutes which I am pretty sure it is called slavery but I do not have any black friends so I would not know. Lets see how many people I offend and get mad at that. I would tell that joke at my show but I am afraid people will kill me, just like I have a great Hitler joke but there are a lot of Jews in show business so I probably will not be able to tell it but I will write it on here. With all the bad things that have happened to me in my life I swear I was Hitler in a past life, that would explain my hatred toward Jews. Again that was a joke so do not get butt hurt reading it.

Gimpy decided to help me tonight and since I slept from 3am to 1pm and then took a nap from about 7pm to 8:30pm I decided that 2 am on Saturday morning would be a great time to update my blog. Since she has not been here in a while here is a great story that could only come from Gimpy, being a cripple like myself and being a total failure in the dating world, Gimpy decided to be like every other creepy single person in the world and get herself on a dating app. I imagine her profile said one footed girl seeks a man to carry her for long walks down the beach, enjoys wine tasting and picnics and doesn't mind being seen with a girl wearing slippers in public everywhere she goes. Also, the only place she will eat and sleep is in her own house and if that is a problem for you then that is a deal breaker oh yea and no vomiting ever otherwise you are dead to her. My friend that is obsessed with Gimpy now you know how to win her heart. Ew for whoever wants too she is on bumble bitches I don't know what the fuck that is even though I downloaded the app. So today Gimpy told me she had the brilliant idea of going to a random mans house she met on bumble but its ok they have been snapchatting for a week so she thinks he is safe. Also, he is a nurse at Yale so somehow that doesn't make him a serial killer. Supposedly, she went over there to see his new kittens and then she got mad at me when I joked yea that those weren't the only pussies he saw that day. Then she wanted tips on how to live the hoe life what the hell do you think I do with myself that I live the hoe life... just because I used to be a frequent strip club customer, and I have hired 2 former strippers to take care of me, have hooked up with a married women, and hooked up with a girl and her roommate all at the same time does not make me a hoe, oh wait that is exactly what I am. So speaking of hoes Gimpy's cousin who in her defense she told me not to hire but I did for like two weeks, well thank God I fired her even though she insisted she was not banging heroin. Well, turns out the girl that doesn't do drugs even though her kids were court ordered taken away from her for that exact reason, got choked out by her drug dealer because she owed him money and then when her dad came home her dealer also shot him too. I am also assuming he owed him money. Swear to God this is all true google it. 35 year old man shoots 63 year old Bristol Ct man to death in driveway. I am just glad that it was not me and my mom getting shot to death in our driveway. If anyone is going to come shoot us to death its all the bookies that I owe gambling money to. Again just a joke. Anyways crack head cousin is now in rehab using a hot cell phone to plan her escape because apparently she just wants to die. I am not going to say the world would be better off, but I will just imply it with this sentence yes cripples can go to hell.

I was going to write a paragraph bitching out someone who use to work for me but it is almost 2:30 and Gimpy forced me to take 3 allergy tablets because she secretly wants me to die... I am not her crack head cousin what the fuck? So instead I will just tell you where the rest of my shows are this month come see me I am funny damn it. Lets see how many people I can offend between my blog and my sit down comedy routine.

November 9 at 5pm New Haven
November 10th at Comix at Mohegan Sun Ct
November 17th at Comix at Mohegan sun Ct
November 29th at Broadway Comedy club in NYC BABYYY
there may or may not be more depending on what other offers I get or if I feel like dragging my fat lazy hairy crippled ass to any open mic nights throughout Ct.

Here is a picture of my blonde hair.... and a picture of me preforming in NYC ok I am sitting outside the club and I look retarded but you get the idea.