Now on to my exciting day! This is what happens when I wake up at 9 am instead of noon. Fuck productivity, all it does is make me fight with random assholes and the ex wife. All this stuff happened before noon today except for the last story.
First, the ex wife whom we have decided to remain amicable, for the sake of our cats, especially Flappy.. that poor fat fuck can't handle our divorce. Yeah, I know it's fucked up that she still works for me and totally unhealthy, but I'll always care for her no matter how badly I want to murder her, and I'll always consider her a good friend. Anyway... last night I told her if she wasn't gonna make an effort to turn me and open the garage door for my worker coming to take over for her in the morning, then to just leave when I went to bed at 1 am... I would pay her til 2 am because she lives far from me, and because my mom was home if something happened, and BBM was coming in at 8 am before my mom left for work. But she insisted that she had to stay because Allied, the state run agency that pays my workers during the day, said she can't abandon me... Uhhh, my mom pays out of pocket for the overnight shifts so it doesn't matter what Allied says about that. Plus I'm your boss, if I want you to go home, GO HOME! I'm trying to avoid fighting with you. So this morning when I texted her after she left, that I was only paying her til 2 am, because she really did nothing but sleep after that, she said if I didn't pay her til 8 am, she would call Allied and report me for fraud. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! Allied doesn't pay for the overnight hours, my mom does, so therefore, those hours don't go on your Allied time sheet and they have no say over what time you get paid until if your here at night. I told her if she had a problem with it she could talk to my mom... keep in mind this whole time, if she had just said I'm sorry, I'll try harder to wake up during the night and do what I'm supposed too, I would've dropped it and paid her for the whole shift... but nah the ex wife has to a bitch and make things as difficult and dramatic as possible. So I finally called her out on her bullshit and called Allied myself, and had them put a note in my file with her name on it saying that she had been threatening me and trying to write fraudulent time sheets with hours she didn't work. Why do people try to out asshole the ultimate asshole? She then flipped out and said she quit because I was being childish... hold for laughter...and that lasted about two hours until the next crazy shit went down that had nothing to do with her. she is forgiven now and back to working for me, big fucking surprise. I have the healthiest relationships in my life I swear.
So I pride myself on being really honest in this blog, even if it makes me look like an asshole... So this is going to be a looong story, but heres how it went... There is a girl who worked for me. I used to refer to her as "the mom", because she is a mom... and at first, she worked for me a lot and everything was fine... not really sure what changed. I mean yes I'm a man whore, and she's married, but I'll get to that. Full disclosure, I'm a creepy crippled pervert and I'll take it whenever I can get it... Soo yeah, did I ask the mom to jerk me off the first time? Hell yeah I did! But can I physically make anyone do anything? Hell no I can't! Have I asked other workers... Some who have said yes, some who have randomly never come back, hell yeah. But in my defense, I can't even move my hands to jerk myself off so what the fuck do you want me to do?! I'm a guy! And for the record, plenty of girls have said no, and I want to be crystal clear.. I don't ask everyone.. And the ones that have said no, and the ones I've never even bothered to ask, are still here. Hell, one of them has been here four years. So I can't be that fucking creepy. So now that that's out of the way, and my mom and sister have stabbed their eyeballs out, I asked the mom to jerk me off the first time, and she said yes...Then she said she felt bad for doing it because she was married. So I dropped it, and then one day she came in pissed off at him, and said "if you need me to help you with that, I got you", and if you know the mom, you know thats a saying she always says...Not only that, but as it kept happening she decided to brag to another girl we went to high school with about what she was doing with me.. It was a lot more than jerking off after awhile. But she's the one that decided to brag to her friend about this. Of course her friend didn't believe her because she's married. So one day when the mom and I were doing our thing, she asked if she could send a picture that nobody wants to see to her friend... I give no fucks about anything so I said sure. Picture is still on my phone as proof, the mom has tattoos on her feet so its def her. Fast forward to a few months later and the mom finds out that her husband and the same friend have been sexting and sending inappropriate pictures to each other. Really, your going to get upset when not only have you been hooking up with me, but you openly admitted to all of this that you sent inappropriate photos of yourself to this girls ex boyfriend. Pot meet kettle! For whatever reason, most likely out of spite, the mom decided to tell her husband about her and I hooking up, but of course played it of like someone I made her do it. Um, I can't move my fucking arms and she worked for me for 6 months after that. I don't think she was forced into anything. But believe what you want dude. I'm not married to her, thank god for small favors. However, after that being the control freak that he was, she openly admitted that he hated her working and wouldn't let her if she didn't make more money than him, welcome to 2016 asshole. Whoops there goes that secret! No wonder they support Trump! So I knew it was only a matter of time before she was going to quit. She made some bullshit story up about her mother in law being sick so she had to stay home to take care of the baby. Don't think it was actually true, but she said I'll probably be able to come back to work in September, feel free to ask me to fill in during that time and after even if I don't come back. So, that was in July and occasionally I would ask and either get no response or some random photo or text that had nothing to do with what I asked. She also knows I struggle often to find people to help me so not only did I ask her if she knew anybody that might want to work for me, but I asked all my workers that. After several no responses or unrelated ones I told her if she wanted me to stop asking to just tell me and I would. She sort of did saying she was never going to come back to work but I wasn't asking her to come back on a regular basis, plus I was just asking if she knew anyone who might be interested in working for me. So, last Friday I asked a bunch of people including her if they could drop everything for 3.5 hours at the last minute and I would give them $40 right away. She didn't respond like usual. And I never found someone but whatever I was desperate. Yesterday awkward turtle told me she found a new job and put her two weeks in. So again I was asking current/former workers if they knew anyone would want to work for me because awkward turtle works a lot of hours for me so I have a lot of shifts to cover asap. I asked the mom this last night along with 15 other people and she responded at 11am today... "I've asked before so I will again. Stop texting me asking to work for you or if I know anyone. It's really annoying." Yeah I called her a fake phony cunt and told her no wonder her husband always cheats on her but then I blocked her to stop any further correspondence from now on. I thought it was a dead issue until my phone went off an hour later with this beautiful message from her white trash husband that doesn't even know how to spell her name right. Read for yourself here. Just like Nathan Fahs did to me in high school all the time. Seriously mother fucker if you ever read this have the balls to tell me where your at so I can pay somebody to kick your ass. Assuming you didn't die in the gutter like some of your friends we went to high school with who overdosed. Cheshire is a rich town but for such a rich town there sure is a lot of white trash who grew up here. Did I mention Nate's mom fucked one of our history teachers in high school? Or maybe it was his best friends mom, either way, classy!
Takes a tough man to threaten a disabled person. And this was my beautiful response.
Notice how all he could respond back was haha I got you buddy, proof that that is all he can come back with. And really the mom. your such a cry baby bitch that you had to get your husband involved in this. Hell yeah I saved his fucking text like he told me to. And hell yeah I'm putting it on blast in my blog and on social media. I don't care that you saved the text where I called her a cunt. Fuck she's told me you called her that a million times. Its okay for you to say it but not me? She's just like 95% of the fake ass bitches I grew up with in Cheshire. There's a reason why I hate where I live and want to move. I purposely left his phone number in it. His name is Eric Bresnahan if anybody would like to publicly shame, call, or text him and his lovely wife is Michele with one L, because I know how to spell it. Maiden name Garrow. And this is why I will never hire somebody I went to high school with again.
Also got into a facebook message fight with a comedian that I thought was being a douche. I was also being a douche but again I have a problem with people trying to act superior to me mostly because of where I grew up. Fast summary of what happened, he was looking for perform clean comedy routines on his public access show this coming Monday... I offered my services because any exposure is good exposure and he said as long as I kept it clean like no sex jokes or anything. So I wrote challenge accepted, quoting Barney from How I Met Your Mother. Not meaning that he was handing me the job just meaning that I wanted to take the challenge on if he would let me. He then wrote that's not how this works so no thanks. I thought comedians were suppose to have a sense of humor, but maybe he lost it in his giant hair. Again, just a joke, and he just said I'm not going to throw somebody on TV when I don't know if they'll keep it clean, this isn't an open mic night, making it sound like that's all I've ever performed at, because any asshole can perform at those. And yes I have performed at several, some well, some not so well. But I've been asked to perform at the comedy club at Mohegan Sun, the Funny Bone in Manchester, a couple restaurants, and oh yeah Broadway comedy club in New York City, so I'm not some hack comedian with a rubber chicken on my head telling knock knock jokes and yelling "hamburger" (look it up then you'll get it). Yeah, I said douchey said to him and was a prick to but don't like your better than me and Kevin fucking Hart or something. I've seen you performing at the same show at the Funny Bone that I was asked to perform at. Whatever I'll apologize in a few days because I know he's been around for a few years and is well established and I don't want to be blacklisted from performing in CT even thought I hate this fucking state. I still live here. Sometimes you have to kiss ass and make up even when you don't want to. If your reading this, I really have no hard feelings and I just talk shit in here to make myself feel better, but next time if you want me to provide a video of me doing clean comedy to prove I'm funny that's fine, just don't ask superior about it, unless you actually are Kevin Hart! Yes, myself included, all comedians are sensitive assholes I guess. Hopefully Donald Trump is not president by the time I publish this. Goodnight America!
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