Last week was Awkward Turtle's last week coming on a regular basis, and boy did she make sure I'd remember it! First there was Monday. When I was supposed to go with her, a fellow crip friend, and the New Wife who is taking her place to see Jake "The Snake" Roberts, at the Hartford Funnybone. Keywords in that last sentence, "supposed to". Yeah, I know what you're thinking..how funny can a former wrestler/drug addict be anyways, but whatever I got 4 tickets for $20 bucks, and I guess I'll never know, because I'm guessing even if he wants to come back and perform....or they want him to come back to perform... like most wrestlers from my childhood, he will probably die of a drug overdose before that happens.This is a picture clearly of him cracked out!
Why did I never get there? Because my piece of shit van, that everyone insists is fine, despite the horrible rattling noises it makes, and currently the low tire pressure light is on for the 8,000th time in the last 6 months. Oh yeah, and the ramp and ramp door shit the bed so bad last month that it wouldn't even open, but yeah it totally runs fine! Also, it needs an oil change if any of you assholes wanna do it that read this. But yeah when we went to pick my friend up, the sliding door on the drivers side decided to come off its track and jam so it wouldn't shut, and despite Awkward Turtle and the New Wife's best efforts, they couldn't get it to shut. Did I mention it was about 45 degrees out, and I was in Durham, which is nowhere near where I live. Of course Awkward Turtle just stared at me not knowing what to do. So First, I had her try calling Triple A.... did I mention she couldn't find my AAA card even though it was right there in my wallet the whole fucking time? So then we had to call my mom to ask where it was, and as she politely screamed at Awkward Turtle on the phone, "IT SHOULD BE IN HIS WALLET AND THEY CAN'T HELP YOU ANYWAY". Turns out she was right! Apparently AAA can only legally help you by towing you or changing a tire. So yeah.... FUCK you AAA, not sure why we even have you! And even when I had Awkward Turtle ask the bitch on the phone, if they could help us anyway because two disabled men were stranded in the vehicle, she basically told us to go fuck ourselves and call 911. I shit you not, 911. And then she wondered why when I got on the phone with her and she asked how I was doing I said pissed off, how about yourself? Apparently she was having a great night, for those who might be wondering. So yeah, I really didn't wanna call 911 to tell them the door was stuck because I thought we would end up on that show on TLC about the dumbest 911 calls...so I told Awkward Turtle to call the Durham Police non-emergency line. But I made one mistake... when she was looking it up, I didn't specify Durham CT, and of course her dumb ass can't do anything without me saying it. I will say in her defense, I should have fucking known something was wrong when my crip friend said that Durham CT doesn't have it's own Police Dept, they use the State Police. But yeah, 10 minutes later a cop calls saying he can't find us, and after a five minutes conversation him and Awkward Turtle realized it's because she called the police in Durham fucking New Hampshire. So that was a waste of 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back, and at that point, I said obviously your too fucking dumb too do anything else, just call 911. Asshole, you bet I am! Finally a cop came and after playing around with the door for awhile somehow he got it back on track and closed. After that, I just wanted to go home, before he had to arrest me for killing someone, especially after my crip friend said"Oh Yeah, I thought that was the problem the whole time!" REally dude?!?! If that was the case why didn't you fucking tell us that 45 minutes ago so we could've fixed without calling Durham fucking NH and 911!
That was Monday, then on Wednesday, the Ex Wife decided to be a hemorrhoid on my hairy crippled asshole (you are welcome for that lovely description). Most people want to take in homeless animals.. I pick the bitch who wants to take in homeless fucking PEOPLE! And after you royally fucked me over, you really expect me to help you bring a homeless guy you met in the Burger King parking lot in Bristol to my house in one of the snobbiest towns in the fucking state?! Have you ever met my mother?!? Or any other women in this town? They are literally thee most judgemental fucking people in the entire world. My mom doesn't even want ME living in her house (well deserved), let alone a homeless man you met in the Burger King parking lot in Bristol. You do know Aaron Hernandez grew up in Bristol right? Just because you meet your customers there (yes that was drug dealer and prostitution joke), doesn't mean I have to be involved. Apparently, it was okay though because his story checked out on Facebook! Last year people thought I was Lip Gallagher from Shameless on Facebook and Twitter, uhhh so yeah, it's not hard to fool people on social media. Even though she adamantly states that we were never officially together, and I have no right to be mad over her getting pregnant by another dude.... by the way he supposed works at Yale New Haven Hospital, but who knows the Ex Wife lies about everything. And even if she isn't lying, he probably scrubs toilets there as part of his prison release program at best. Whatever, dude deserves it. Supposedly he said to kill it when he found out, and then magically re-appeared in her life when she lost it and wants back in....ya I might be a cripple asshole that blows up every bodys shit in this blog but I still bought that baby food, clothes, and a lot of other shit that his "father" never did. And even after you lost the baby, I didn't ask for any of that stuff back, even though I am as poor as you are, because I told you to sell it and keep the money for yourself. But yeah, go back to him, you two probably deserve each other. Despite all this, you got awfully butthurt when I finally stood up to you and said "No you can't sneak a homeless guy into my house tonight, or keep him here while your working tomorrow". You live in your own apartment, take him there! Your crazy ass roommate is so far up your ass she will agree to anything you say. Like the fact that Michelle Obama apparently worked for ABC News back in 2001, and despite the Ex Wife she was a fucking moron for thinking this, her roommate still said, oh it could be possible....Yep, these are the fucking idiots I deal with! And then you got scared when you said you might be late to work the next day because you were scared to have him stay overnight in your apartment, and wouldn't be sleeping well....uhhhhh doesn't that tell you right there this was a horrible idea?! This is how horror movies start! EVen though I kept saying this is no longer my problem anymore because I have a new (better) Wife, and I'm no longer getting involved in your bullshit. You still had the tits to say "but yeah what do I do Robert". What part of not my fucking problem anymore don't you understand? Sorry I dont want to help shitty people who constantly do shitty things to me, who threaten not to show up to work, quit, or get a new job every time they are mad at me. You don't want me in your life like that yet you get mad when I try to put distance between us? And oh yeah, move on with someone else. Karma's a bitch, BITCH!
Gimpy didn't even work last week, but maybe since it was her friend Awkward Turtle's last week, she wanted to make it memorable... Either that or shes mad that I don't write about her in my blog as much as I used too. First, she kept asking me for advice on how to be a hoe. Not sure what she thinks I do with my life that I can teach her how to be a hoe, and last time I checked I don't have a vagina. Yeah, um... I'm a man hoe, there's a big difference. Then it got better, at first I thought she was kidding but she kept asking me if I could get her molly from another girl that works for me who goes to a lot of raves. She tried to play it off like she wanted it for the new dude shes trying to fuck...ya know the same one she wants to learn how to be a whore for! This guy works as a nurse at Yale New Haven hospital...between this dude and the ex wife's baby daddy I'm never going to that hospital again! I don't even know why Gimpy wants this dude he looks like a rapist / pedophile. Also, there's this awful picture of him wearing a bow tie, with no shirt, holding a puppy for some stupid calendar that she decided to show me for some fucking reason and now I can't get the awful image out of my head.This isn't the exact photo, but its pretty close complete with douche man bun.
But it gets better.. the drugs that she was bothering me to try to get her for 2 fucking days wasn't even for him it was for Gimpy and Awkward Turtle! First of all you're asking your boss to ask another one of his employees to score you drugs, and second I have known the 2 of you for a year and a half and the other worker for 3 years you don't think she was going to tell me about this. Plus, aren't you kind of a shitty friend for throwing Awkward Turtle under the bus for something she was involved in without my knowledge and the best part is you're still trying to lie about it..oh yeah i just wanted to ask her about how to be a hoe and going to raves.. really that's why you said you wanted her number from me so you ask someone you barely know how to be a hoe because that's not offensive! Plus, when you have been asking me to have her try and get you molly for 2 straight days and then text her, "hey so and so, this is Gimpy, Awkward Turtle and I have a question for you"..What the FUCK else would you be asking about..you really thought the best route was to ask your boss..the 2 of you are from Berlin, where I'm pretty sure someone dies there of an overdose daily and you don't know any drug dealers I know for a fact that the brother of the guy that the Creepy Canadian goes out with is a huge druggy and could probably get you whichever drugs. Especially, since you went to high school with him, why did you think coming to me was your best option? Better yet why did you think to come to me at all? I'll never be the crippled version of Walter White no matter how bad I need money because if I got caught for dealing do you know how much I would be ass raped in jail!? With that lovely thought have a great night everyone.
This is what I imagined The crippled Walter White drug dealer version of me to look like...
This is a picture of Yale New Haven Hospital so you know where to NEVER go in case of an emergency after the lovely stories I just wrote about
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