Glorious

No I won't give in, I won't give in, 'til I'm victorious.. if you don't get this you probably aren't a wrestling fan. Therefore kill yourself (just kidding please don't) but I'm not sure why you are reading my blog still. Surprisingly this entry has nothing to do with wrestling right now!

Let me start off by saying these are my opinions, and this is not meant to piss anyone but bitch face off. I had a comedy show I performed at on Monday in New Haven at Trinity Bar, you know whats sad? I've only been doing comedy for seven months, and I know I'm sounding conceited but out of the ten contestants, myself included and the four hopefully paid acts that were there, I feel as though I was in the top three out of all of them. Know whats even sadder the top two contestants won money, and I was not one of them. Saddest part is I'm going back on April 24th. Oh the things I will do to try and win $25 or $50. In my defense, if I make it to the final show on May 1st I can win up to $500. Not that I will. Because how do I beat a guy singing a A Capella version of the National Anthem? The guys that run it are awesome, and so are the judges for the most part. The problem is after it goes on, and everyone gets drunker and drunker. The show rolls on forever. The first one I did was three hours. The one I did on Monday was four. So on the 24th, I will probably be out until 1 am. Truthfully, only two of the contestants performing on Monday were awful, and I mean AWFUL! I have done a ton of open mics with first time performing comedians, and I preformed in front of crowds of tens of people, but these were the two worst acts I have ever saw! I don't even know if I would call them performances. It might be insulting to others. Lets just call them train wrecks.

I'm fully going to take the wrath if people get mad at me for this, and I hope it doesn't effect any future performances I have. But first up of the train wrecks was Mary Cassella. The Choice New Haven was a singing/ comedy showcase. Not gonna lie i was excited to see Mary perform at first, because she looks like Avril Lavegne, who i oddly find attractive, and she looks like she would be a good singer, nah fuck all that, shes just really hot! As you can tell by this picture...
 


Unfortunately looks is all there was to this performance. First of all I don't know how drunk or what drugs she was on, but if she ever sees this I highly recommend you stop immediately! I creep your Instagram, and you were smoking hot and a model, and now you live in Bridgeport, carry around a skateboard everywhere you go, and your guitar player/ possible boyfriend looks like Zelda, so I don't think things are looking good for you these days. She started by telling jokes that weren't funny and made no sense, before she went into an original song, that she forgot the words to and was so fucked up she kept dropping the papers that the words were written on. So I couldn't remember what she was saying, but she kept saying the lyrics over and over again about twenty times at least! As one of the judges put it everyone who performs gets a five just for coming, so that judge gave her a five! To put it in better perspective, I got four 9's from the judges. Also when the judges were giving her her scores, she yelled angel dust is a hell of a drug, sadly I don't think she was kidding.
 

After that disaster, I thought it couldn't get any worse. But oh it did! I already knew we were in trouble when the host said it was this guy's first ever performance. Plus look at this picture they used for him...
 


John Mayer is a douche, so maybe David is related to him. I mean they both are from Connecticut! This guy went up there so drunk he could barely walk or talk, then o top it off he too of course forgot all of his jokes. So he literally kept telling the same three jokes for 90% of his act. One joke was about gay sex, one was about waking up with a condom hanging out his ass, and the third one was about there being different kinds of rape. Hilarious shit in 2017. Yup, it sounds as retarded as it was. I tried to be supportive and not share my opinion while people are performing, because i haven't been performing that long and I don't want to be heckled either. Yeah, but this fucker deserved it. I couldn't help it, his three jokes weren't funny, and were boarder line offensive. After he decided to tell the judges that he used the same hand that he used to shake theirs, to jerk off right before the show, I had enough! I don't know if anyone heard or understood me, but I yelled as loud as I could, YOU SUCK I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING RAPED LISTENING TO THIS! After he got his awful scores, he told the female judge, oh you, you must have gave me a bad score because you are a rape baby! Yeah dude funny shit, I hope someone kicked your ass in the parking lot on the way out! You are to comedy what John Mayer is to music.

Today has been a train wreck almost as bad as those two performances were! I was awoken around 12:45 PM to my cat frantically meowing and trying to get into my room. At first he was being a fat jerk or so I thought, but i think he knew I was in trouble! Fast forward to 1:00PM and my mom comes storming in the house to tell me I've been home alone sleeping for who knows how long by myself! The overnight girl left at 7AM and the next girl was coming in from 7-10AM. I thought the ex wife was coming in at 10AM, but of course she texted me at 3Am to tell me she didn't feel good. However in her defense, she told the girl who was here from 7-10 am that, and that girl made it sound like she would stay until 5PM when the next person was coming in. This all happened after no one showed up for the Tuesday overnight shift, the ex wife told me she would work today from 10AM to 9PM, so I told the 5-9 girl not to come, and then she tells me at 3AM I can only stay until 5PM, and then doesn't even show up at 10AM. Yeah so my mom and I were a little pissed off! Why the girl that was here from 7-10AM thought it was okay to leave someone who is psychically unable to get himself up, dressed, and into his wheelchair sleeping in bed with his C-PAP Mask on by himself, when she has no idea what time the next person was coming in, I had no idea! As it is I never showered today, so this poor girl writing this could smell my horrible smell the whole time I'm writing this haha! At least two of the other girls that work for me realized I was sleeping at home alone and called my mom. Yeah I know I talk a lot of shit about them on here, but they're not all bad. and they do care about me. There's only a few that actually do suck. Did i mention she came back around 1:15 for some reason. Special shout out to my mom for screaming at her in front of the whole neighborhood. I didn't know my mom had it in her. I haven't seen her that mad since she threw a chair at my dad's car when i was a kid. Of course to top it off the ex wife came in at 1:30 and originally told my mom she would stay til 9 when the overnight girl got here... but the ex wife's not happy unless shes stressing me out and causing problems. First she said she could stay til 9 because she didn't feel good, then it was because she had to pack for a trip that shes not leaving for for another week, and of course she tells me this right after my mom leaves. Well after that I'm sure as hell not telling my mom nobody will be here again for two hours. So at the last minute I actually get one of the other girls to agree to work 7-9.. or so i thought haha. Robert plans and people laugh! Of course she had no problem showing up at 5 to pick up her check, and immediately accused me of not paying her properly when her other check doesn't even come until tomorrow. No wonder she used to be friends with bitch face!Oh and did I mention she was the one who didn't show up for the overnight on Tuesday. She told me she would be here 7-9 but of course backed out at 6:30 even though she had been here to pick up her check. Luckily the ex wife stayed until 7:30, and my friend hung out with me from 8-9 when the the overnight girl got here.. holy fuck, someone showed up, and on time!

Hi bitch face, and a special shout out to your friends and family who used to send me all those lovely text messages and the cops showed up so you bitched out. Too bad I was looking forward to seeing your fat ass arrested/deported! I can hear you now OH MY GOODNESS... WHY U SO OBSESSED WIT ME.. oh honey no, I don't have a thing for a girl that looks like they're Ronald McDonald's daughter, who did too many drugs so their bastard child came out retarded and all you have to look forward to is smoking weed, sleeping, collecting SSI, and living in your section 8 house until the government kicks you out.

Here's a small clip from my performance Monday.

Upcoming shows;
Tomorrow at Cabot Comedy Club @ 10 pm in Mass, tickets are $10 and could be purchased online or at the door.
4/18- Dantes Restaurant and Bar in Stratford, CT is free to go. Just got to buy food/drink. The more people who show up for me, the better chance I have of winning.
4/24- The Choice New Haven at 8PM at Trinity Bar. If you cant make it, at least like my photo by following the choice new haven all one word on Instagram and clicking like on my photo. The more votes I have the better chance I have of winning.Free to go!
5/1- If I make it that is the night of the Choice Finals. Read the book for all the details.
5/2- Dangerfield Comedy Club in NYC @8PM. Tickets are $15. Purchase them at the door.
I also know I have two shows at Comix Mohegan Sun on two Thursdays in May at 10PM. Tickets start at $10. Could be purchased online on the Comix website.

I'm sexy and I know it. I also framed copies of this photo, and will sell them for $10 plus an official Robert Held stamp autograph

IM A FRIEND OF TRASH BOAT

Does that make me VIP status everywhere I go? I'm thinking if I'm friends with her it most certainly does. Second only to being friends with the President. I don't want to say his last name because I fear hes like Beetlejuice or Voldemort, that if I mention him too much he'll appear. Anyway since I'm too lazy too re write the whole trash boat story and my workers are far too stupid to write it twice... Here's the FB status I made:

"Despite my best efforts to be nicer lately, it's really hard when Facebook suggests I friend request someone named Trash Boat that lives in Texas, and asked if I know someone named Andree Thompson.... I'm a white guy from Cheshire do you think I know these fuckers?! Please take offense I love angry comments... Okay I friend requested Trash Boat out of morbid curiosity and she is everything I thought she would be from the stalking I did. You think she goes by trash, trashy, or miss boat? Or if she's married is it Mrs. Trash Boat I want to be PC. Hopefully she accepts so I can ask her." Also, check out the hot pictures of Miss Trash Boat.

Okay so the first photo is a real boat of trash, the second photo, is some band named Trash Boat, apparently they are from England and judging by the high quality photo of them, they spent about $5 or pounds in their case, of their mom's hard earned money to take that glamour shot in their high school gymnasium circa 1994.  I bet their first music video was shot in black and white with an old guy running around for no reason. What? that's what every emo band in the mid 90s did. Okay so they aren't from the mid 90s, but that's not the point. In the third photo, if you cant tell, that's her 100% sober.  As you can tell how sober she is in the fourth photo of her pictured with a beer in her hand. And if you look really closely to the third picture, you can see cut marks on her arm! As if calling yourself Trash Boat wasn't a big enough cry for help. I think the cutting and the artwork really sends the message home Miss Boat.

I really need to start performing again, and trying to get people to buy my stupid shirts or get people to donate to my Gofundme. I'll put an updated list of my upcoming shows at the end of this post. My finacnes have gotten so bad that I can't afford the monthly payment of $10.12 for Netflix any longer and I had to send myself $3.50 through Square Cash today just to buy some food. I need my food stamps back! God I have become the white trash that hates everyone who wants or inappropriately receives government handouts, but bitch when I don't get my Social Security and food stamps at the start of every month.... or as I like to call them Trump supporters, can't wait til they realize that he is going to do everything in his power to cut or eliminate these programs. I'm lucky enough to have a mom who lets me mooch off her, even if she does complain every time I ask her for $20. I don't know, what all these people that don't have nice moms who make a decent living and are fully capable of working full time jobs are going to do. Although my mom told me she wants to get rid of our house within 10 years... I'm guessing I'm not included in the plans of where she is headed after that. If I'm still rolling around on this earth, I'd be rolling straight to the nursing home.

Now to rant about why I'm such an asshole... mentally despite what most people think, I am of sound mind and fully aware and capable of realizing the consequences of the choices I make. Despite this, at least two of my workers make me feel like I'm mentally retarded and that they are going to run to my mommy, or the state run agency who pays them half the time. Every time I piss them off or fuck up, well if you're going to threaten me and keep doing shit to piss me off, yeah I'm going to piss you off on purpose. Yes, I know I'm almost 32, don't work, and pathetically rely on my mom for way too much, but I'm not fucking retarded and I'm a grown ass man. Stop threatening to tattle tale on me. By the way, it's also most of my lovely workers faults that I can't get a fucking job. I would love to do anything just to start making money so I can eventually become independent of my mom(not in a negative way), but they make it almost impossible. Besides the fact that most of them only put up with me for less than a year because I'm a raging dick, but since I'm always trying to find people to help me, how am I supposed to find steady employment when I rely on them to help me with it? But here's an even greater explanation of why I'm a huge dick. Let's take the most recent example of a job I was trying to get. I'm trying to get a job being a Stat keeper for the Hartford Yard Goats this season. It only pays $30 a game, but it's better than nothing and I know a lot about baseball. Do you think any of the girls who work for me want to help me get this job? So we can actually leave my house once in a while? Oh no no no, in the words of Paul Heyman, look it up non-wrestling fans.

The first girl bitched when I had to email a copy of my resume and then answer a few follow up questions to prove I know facts about baseball. Cause ya know, she had to type a couple sentences. Then they mailed me a sample game so I could download the software on my computer, fill out the game, and send it back, as they stated, as soon as possible, because the positions are first come first serve. The DVD has been sitting at my house for more than two weeks... do you think it's even been started yet? Oh no no no... Why? Because the fucking software you use to keep score is about as complicated as cracking the genetic code and I cant figure out which of the geniuses/ former strippers/ stupid whores(as one worker calls them, not even my words)/ assistants to Stephen Hawking is going to help me with this monumental task! First of all they don't know shit about shit, unless it involves recreational drug use, shopping, binge drinking, unexpected pregnancies, or falling on a black dick they haven't liked! And yes these are the future nurses, occupational therapists. physical therapists, and welfare recipients of the world...I shit you not! One of them was amazed the other day when I told her not only was it March, but it was Monday not Tuesday. I can't make this shit up I swear on my dead father! And I consider that a good day, because half the time I'm left wondering if their even gonna show up, and which cat I should appoint to take care of me in their absence... they don't fucking care. House fire? Somehow Robert will get himself out despite not having any arm or leg movement. Home invasion? Well, atleast people in Cheshire become famous after that so I wont have financial problems anymore, assuming I survive. If not my mom can write a NYT best seller! Moms away on a business trip or vacation? Whatever, somehow Flappy will put Robert to bed, if not he can sleep in his chair by the fireplace, he will survive 12 hours on his own with his garage wide open and doors unlocked! That's safe right? Sadly, these are all really things I had to think about lately with the A-list group I've got working for me. Sadly, there is about an average of 5 hours a week, every week, where I'm home alone despite my mom paying for 24/7 care. Yet, I thoroughly enjoy these five hours, because there is no drama, no one screaming yelling or bitching at me, I'm not being blamed for anything, and my A crew isn't fighting amongst each other  about how my mom forgot to pay them $5.00, or $7.00 for a movie ticket, again not making this up!

So yeah, because of the snow storm, I spent 31 hours with my mom, but it actually wasn't that bad, and it was nice to have a break from the drama, but the worst thing my mom yells about is the sink being dirty. She doesn't make accusations on social media, that I'm a sex fiend obsessed with crazy bitches who have done time in juvy and the psych ward. Okay my mom has probably thought that, but she hasn't written it! The best reason why I spent 31 hours with just her, because God forbid the ex wife spend a day and a half with me, although she claims to love and care about me so much that she wont even spend her birthday with me, but that's a post for another day. Also, she constantly complains about not having enough money. Here's a great idea, work a 40 hour shift with me every week and see how much money you will have. Oh wait, you wouldn't know because you do the bare minimum to pay your bills, because God forbid you save up for something one day when your roommate, Robert, or Robert's mom can pay for it instead! The other great part to this story is that one of the new workers, we'll call her Bozo the Clown, or Bozo for short. She was supposed to work a 24 hour shift and ride the snow storm out with me. Now I knew the storm was supposed to start at 4am, and I usually go to bed with the ex wife between 1-2 am, and of course she had to bitch and moan the whole time until she left. I offered Bozo to come in at midnight, when she got off her other job at 11pm, but do you think she would come in? Oh no no no, that would be far too simple. And do you think she would text me that she wasn't coming? Oh no no no, well she did at 2:30 pm when she was supposed to be here at 8 am, with some story about how she got pulled over on the highway and her car got towed driving on the highway during the travel ban, allegedly. Me cries bullshit. First of all, you live in Meriden and your mom lives in Southington, so no matter whose house you were coming from you don't have to take the highway to my house in Cheshire. Second of all, I tried to tell you this would happen, and that's why you should come BEFORE the snow, but of course you couldn't. Then, the travel ban was over at 5pm and you normally work the overnight shift Tuesdays approximately 9pm to 10 am, but could you come in for that? Oh no no no... Why? Because your car got "towed" but yet, first thing this morning, there you were at my house, with a ride from your friend, to supposedly pick up your check, and get your car back. Of course you could get a ride to my house first thing in the morning when money is involved. Sadly I'm not surprised, what was I expecting? You used to be friends with bitch face and tried to have her cousin work for me. Uh yeah, like I'll ever let bitch face's cousin in my house. I don't care how bad their relationship is, or how distant a relative she is to bitch face. I'm starting to think that bitch face and bozo are secretly conspiring together to make me go crazy, which actually would make a lot of sense. Bozo did start when bitch face left. And bitch face knew she was coming in, plus they both spent time in juvy, the psych ward, had bastard children, collect food stamps and welfare, and were childhood friends. I haven't seen this big a conspiracy since the Kennedy assassination. I'M MEDIA, I'm out, I'm goin' to pour a 40 on the curb for my fallen comrade Griff Jenkins and his camera woman Kathy, RIP you big tools, by the way they aren't really dead don't worry.

Upcoming Shows:
Friday 3/17- VFW Pawcatuck  CT, free show even though its far and a friday night, me performing for a bunch of war vets on st. patty's day...I'm sure it'll go fantastic!
Tuesday 4/4- Dangerfield Comedy Club in NYC, tickets $15 at door, and this time I'm going damnit
Friday 4/14- Cabot Comedy Club in Chiccopee MA, tix $10 and can be bought online or at door. It's a Friday even though it's far so please come support me.
Tuesday 4/18- Dante's in Stratford, free but you have to buy dinner and a drink, please come support me, I can win $50 or $100 and a spot in the finals.
Sat 5/13- Havent booked yet, due to lack of funds, but if I come up with $200 I'm going to do a show at 7pm @ the Cheshire Youth Center next to Cheshire High so I can pay myself and fellow comics some money for performing. It will also be a fundraiser for my van. Tickets will be $10 if it happens.
Thursday 5/18- Comix Mohegan Sun @ 10pm. Tix are $10 and can be bought online or at the door.

Finally if you read all this and still don't hate me, please donate to my new van Gofundme.. the link is here

People Herpes Never Die!

 First off, this is going to be short, sweet and too the fucking point, because I'm losing my voice for some reason. With my luck I'm getting sick. #crippleproblems And second, I've been doing lots of stupid shit on here besides writing this. And third, here comes tipsy! Not the family dog, it was me as a toddler runnin' with a sippy cup! None of you got that last sentence, but it's fine, you don't deserve too.

(*Everything written about bitchface is fictional or just my alleged theories and is not based on any person living or dead, just to cover my ass.)

Before I delete it off of my social media, here she is to wreck the day...I think she's stoned in this picture but it's okay because I look it too.

***DISCLAIMER*** THIS PHOTO IS ONE I HAVE TAKEN OFF MY PERSONAL INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT AND THEREFORE I HAVE THE RIGHT TO USE IT IN MY POST. THIS IS NOT ALLEGED BITCHFACE, JUST SOMEONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THE ALLEGED BITCHAFCE CHARACTER I WRITE ABOUT.

Anyways, bitchface strikes again! Hopefully for the last time! Of course she told my mother she never received her final paycheck, which we all know is bullshit, and shouldn't even be sent to you since you made up these alleged hours you "worked", but that's besides the point because my mom is a lot nicer person than I am, and just wants you to GO THE FUCK AWAY. Oh yeah, and stop texting her, because YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE! Don't worry, she stopped payment on the first one so when you go to cash both, which I pray you do because your dumb ass will get arrested for check fraud, you wont be able to cash it. Sucks to suck bitchface, and you suck better than a straw! How many bitchfaces does it take to understand a restraining order?! Didn't they teach you about those in rehab or the psych ward... Apparently not. Or you missed that day in school...wait you never finished school. Typical New Britain trash, could you be anymore of a stereotype?! 22, unemployed puerto rican collecting social security along with both your parents, and foodstamps and welfare while your parents raise your bastard child"younger brother" because they are too religious to admit that you popped a baby out of your slut hole at 15. Too bad, you could've been on that MTV show, you're just as trashy as the rest of those bitches. Fuck, no wonder he is autistic, because you were on drugs the entire time you were pregnant. At least I figured out why you had to drop out of school. Fuck, I should be a police detective, I'm good at this shit.

Back to my original point, bitchface was too dumb too block one of my current workers(one of her former friends)...gee I wonder why they ain't friends anymore... on Facebook, right away, so guess what bitchface, she saw all your statuses about me. Since we're not supposed to be talking about each other on social media, or the internet. But whatever, I am too. So whatever you know where I live, maybe you can send more cops to my house at 4 am, I'm pretty sure I'm protected by the first amendment. Thank you college, something bitchface could only get into if it was Clown or Hamburger U! However, because of this it gave me the satisfaction of knowing that my statuses and blog posts, and pranks are doing a GREAT job at pissing you off! I haven't been that happy in years. Anything to make your life miserable. Also she claims that I'm delusional, psychotic, and so obsessed with her that I can't let it go because I'm madly in love with her. Bitch, you look like Ronald McDonald's daughter... I AM NOT in love with you, maybe when I was 5 and my fat ass had a thing for Ronald McDonald's daughter... but not now. Gimpy told me you were an easy slut, so I know if I threw some dollars at you, literal dollars, you would pretty much do whatever I wanted. And I fucking hate Gimpy too, but she was right! You think every guy that meets you in madly in love with you and brag how 40 guys a day message you on social media, but no that just means they think you're an easy whore, and I mean they are right. But trust me honey, they are not in love with you, they just wanna get their dicks wet. And I'm sure you've satisfied many customers. I mean, she doesn't do it for free. But they best part is, and I know this will burn you when you read it.... No non ghetto, non drug dealing trash is EVER going to want to take your ass home to mom... Fuck, the guy you dated for years was a coke head and he even got sick of your crazy cheating ass. If you can't keep Mr. White Lines, I don't think you're getting any self respecting man to put a ring on it or produce more children with you. Maybe some rich married guy will keep you as a side bitch, but that's the best you can hope for. Looks fade with age to be honest, so by the time your mama's age you'll be pullin' in fake welfare checks just like her... The apple don't fall too far from the tree! You'll probably have 5 kids with 5 different baby daddies, but at least you'll get a bigger welfare check that way! Always a smart plan, especially since that's what your parents encourage. Like Kanye says, "she have one of yo' kids, got you for 18 years". Here's a picture of Kanye making a Bitch face in honor of bitchface.

Before I really do get arrested, this will be my last blog post addressing the bitchface issue (allegedly). I love writing about her, and she is a comedic gift that keeps on giving. But... I ain't goin' to jail for NO bitch. So bitchface, I'll leave you with this: I honestly am not crazy, I'm not obsessed with you, I do not miss you working for me, and I was never madly in love with you, past or present tense. Did I use you to make the ex wife jealous? Absolutely I fucking did. So this is goodbye, I won't miss your crazy ass and I honestly hope you straighten your life out, and wish nothing but the best for you. Shocking I wrote that, I know, but I actually mean it. But I'm assuming you're always going to be the piece of shit you are. So good luck getting high, watching Sausage Party on endless re-runs while you pass out on the couch in your parents section 8 house, while all three of you collect welfare, until Trump deports your ass and takes those sweet welfare checks away! Plus the ex wife and the other traveling circus that works for me give me plenty of good stories to write about, so I don't need to write about you anymore. Adios Puta!


Finally remember awhile back when I wrote about the "original mom's" husband blowing me up with text messages on election day?To leave her alone and stay out of her life, even though she hadnt worked for me in 6 months? Oh and lets not forget the ex wife insists she doesnt even think about me anymore, I am an afterthought to her. Well that's funny guys, cause guess who poked me on Facebook the other day? ORIGINAL MOM!!! And here is the proof! Or in honor of the Oscars... do you like apples?! How do you like DEM APPLES! It's from an Oscar winning movie assholes!

I have nothing against her anymore, and I really dont care that she was stalking my facebook, but tell your husband and the ex wife, your new bestie, that I had NOTHING to do with this poking business. And I did not poke back for the record, nor will I ever. I don't know what you do for a living now, but do not ever become an undercover police officer, because you suck at it. Not everyone can figure out bitchface has a bastard child that they pretend is her little brother, okay one of my workers helped me with that theory, but I really think it's true and I'm taking the credit for it.

Come see me perform at Dangerfield's Comedy Club this Monday in NYC! Tickets are $15 at the door and I'm super proud to be performing there. If you don't know my other shows by now, check out my last blog post. So much for this being short.

(*Just to emphasize again... Everything written about bitchface is fictional or just my alleged theories and is not based on any person living or dead, just to cover my ass.)

Cripple Criminal

So last night was one of the more interesting nights of my life. I almost went to jail. The fucked up part is I didn't even care. Honestly, it would've been worth it to me. But the only thing I felt bad for, was that they were threatening to take my worker in if bitchface wanted to press charges, or so they say. Me thinks they full of shit! When they arrived at my house, you could practically see a cloud of smoke after I told them to either arrest me or get out of my house. Yes, I really said that. I'm not scared or intimidated by anybody. Where to begin with my hatred this time! There is just so many people I want to direct it towards.

First, of course I would like to direct it towards bitchface. Yeah, I was immature and had a bunch of food delivered to her house, and posted her address and phone number on craigslist with a free ad for a top of the line sears washer and dryer. And sure, the food showed up, along with her phone being blown up by assholes wanting the washer and dryer, because I said to call anytime any day. Yes, the only reason I took it down is because the cops basically said my worker that helped me write it would be arrested if I didn't. Technically, I'm the one who told her what to write. And second of all, good luck proving who was working that night. Plus the cops also informed us that bitchface said I write harassing blog posts about her and they would be monitoring what I write. So first of all I'd like to say hi to the pigs at Cheshire and Berlin PD! That's right, I had cops from two towns at my house cause I keep it classy. Second, they're not harassing, they are just facts, and I can prove they are facts. Third, even though President Trump is trying to get rid of it, there's a little thing called the first amendment, which gives me the right to say and write anything I want! So here is some facts for you, bitchface is thetown bicycle of Berlin, everyone has had a ride, and the best part is she tells people she's only been with five dudes. Maybe she meant for the month of January 2017, cause that aint for your lifetime. And if anyone is dumb enough to believe that, I have some land in a swamp in Florida to sell you! Plus she and her father both deal drugs out of their section 8 house in Berlin. I keep trying to tell the cops this but they don't seem to believe me, even though bitchface and her father both have records, psychiatric and criminal. Plus, as previously mentioned, and I'll remind you here, her parents aren't technically married so therefore her father is not supposed to be living in that section 8 house with them, but he does. Also, he collects social security because he's so fucking nuts that he qualifies, still works under the table jobs...which you're not supposed to do when you collect social security. I'm on it I would know! Yeah so one time bitchface told me he tried to strangle her to death, too bad he failed. He would've done the world a favor and he would be where he belongs, in prison. Hey bitchface, I know you're still reading this because you have nothing better to do then smoke weed and sit on your couch and fuck guys all day for money, and girls sometimes too allegedly... but we all know it's true. By the way, all this stuff I wrote is alleged, or so I'll say because that's how you can talk shit about people and get away with it. Thank you Quinnipiac Journalism Grad Program for teaching me something. Mom, you didn't waste that 50 grand. Stuff I learned in there and high school is probably what kept me out of jail last night. Plus I watch way too much Law and Order and How To Get Away With Murder... and that one time I wanted to be a lawyer, until I realized what a fat lazy piece of shit I am and that, ya know, it would require hard work.

And the other people that pissed me off last night where the cops themselves. You would think with all the bad publicity they've been getting that they might not want to be dicks to a disabled man... but oh no, why would that stop them?! I live by a very simple rule. I treat you, as you treat me, no matter what I've heard about you or how I feel about you. Living here my whole life, I know most of the cops are assholes. For the record I am not saying they all are, just most. But I would be too if I had to deal with annoying ass people that live in my town. That being said, Cheshire cop shows up to my house last night with a Berlin cop. First of all it was 4:40 am on a Sunday morning, and you just show up ringing my doorbell, knocking loudly, and shining your bright ass flashlights in my windows. It tax season and my mom works 80 hours a week assholes. You're lucky you didn't wake her up or I would've been even more of a dick. And to top it off you came into MY HOUSE with a attitude like you're better than me, and if there's one thing you want to do to trigger Tyshawn(My crazy alter ego), is coming up to me like you're better than me. I'm not excusing the immature prank I played, and sure I lied to try to avoid a more annoying situation, but he was such an asshole. I tried to tell him nicely when he first came in, and my worker also repeated this later on, that this girl has been making my life a living hell for a month, threatening and trying to blackmail my mom and I. While she's doing and selling drugs and God only knows what other illegal activities... to top it off she says we owe her 35 hours, which we don't. But my mom sent her a check for it anyway just to get her to go the fuck away, and of course now she is claiming she never got it but I saw my mom mail it. So yeah, I had enough, snapped, and tried to play a stupid joke on her. But fuck, you would too if somebody was torturing you and your mother like that! But yeah, asshole cop thought he was smarter and superior to me by saying "Oh how did you know people are calling and texting her I never said that." Um because I use Craigslist all the fucking time to sell shit and hire workers and find hookers like bitchface to help me. Just kidding mom, I promise I've never hired a hooker on Craigslist. So yeah, that was when I said, and I believe this is word for word as I remember it, "I'm smart, I have two college degrees, and I'm not playin' these games where you think you can outsmart and intimidate me. Plus I know a lot of lawyers, so either you're going to arrest me right now or get out of my house". And they knew there was nothing they could do because they did leave my house immediately once I told them too. They had no warrant or evidence to stay and look around. I know my rights damn it... thanks to all the hippies I hung out with during my years at Southern. The only thing I felt bad for was my worker taking the fall for my shit. So honestly, no I won't be doing that again. But for the record I am NOT sorry, if I could write it myself, and do it all over again by myself, I would. The only thing I'm sorry for is that I can't keep doing things to piss her off other than write about her on here.

Honestly I'm a little curious as to how it would've worked if they did try to arrest me. I mean, they can't put my fat cripple ass in the back of a cop car. They damn sure wouldn't have 24/7 workers in the prison to take care of me, and if something happened to me during transport or while in there they would be liable. On top of that, I don't think they would be chopping up my pills and giving me my medication while I was in there. Fuck on second thought maybe I should've let them arrest me, I could've won a huge lawsuit. I only reach for the highest goals.

Anyway, if you would like to see me perform and tell this story in person, because it's definitely going in my comedy routines, here's a few of my upcoming shows:
March 1st Anna Liffey's Open Mic, I'm probably going there to meet a friend but its free to get in so come see me.
March 8th New Haven Show at 5pm, also free to get in, and I think it's finally happening this time.
March 14th Hartford Funnybone Open Mic
March 17th Pawactuck VFW at 7pm, free to get in and it's a Friday night so no excuses!
March 21st Dante's in Stratford, I win money if I come in first or second, and the audience vote is 25% of the score. It's free to get in you just have to buy some good food and drinks and support my hairy cripple ass. Please, I've gone through a lot as you can see. I need this!

Check out this hot flyer I'm in... I look as miserable as one of my former workers looked in all her pictures! Everybody else is on stage, looking happy doing comedy, and there's ole' me chillaxin' in my dining room! One of these things is not like the other.