Sometimes I Envy Roadkill

For real though, roadkill gets squashed quickly and then its all over with. If only it were that simple sometimes. So the other day I interviewed someone interesting who wanted to work for me. At first I thought it was someone playing a joke on me because they said they were a cheerleading captain and nursing student in college but somehow were available to help me around 40 hours a week. Then she showed up and I regretted immediately telling her where I lived. First, she asked me how often I shower a week. First of all, I might be handicapped but I'm not okay with smelling like a butthole.  I shower everyday, thank you!  For some reason I don't know why she thought I only shower once a week, did I look and smell that bad? On second thought maybe I did haha. She also asked my eating schedule for some reason. If you're going to work for me why does it matter when I shower or eat? It's going to be a part of your job no matter when you come. Despite telling her I work as a reporter does she still think I'm so dumb that I'm okay with showering weekly and eating dinner at 4pm like a 90 year old?  Yeah, that ain't happening. I should've known she sucked when she said she couldn't work overnights because she loved her sleep too much.  Good luck chick when you get married, have a real job, and have kids.

I'd rather have the creepy guy who lives up the street that has no mailbox, never turns any lights on, and always has tons of trash put out every week take care of me.  But for real this guy exists in my neighborhood.  I very rarely have seen him outside of pulling in and out of his garage in his car but he kind of looks like the homeless guy from the first home alone movie from what I have seen of him. Scary enough, I have been told he is a music teacher so his students are probably in the walls of his house. I did see two cop cars drive by my house about 30 seconds apart today, maybe they finally got that anonymous tip about all the sketchy stuff happening up my street. Either that or he died 3 months ago and his neighbors next door finally noticed the smell or heard his cats eating him. At least I know when I go, if nobody finds me for a while, that my cats will have no problem eating me because they're all a bunch of fat asses!

I watched a creepy movie with Gimpy about a possessed doll named Robert. Apparently there really is a doll named Robert that is haunted that is currently residing in a museum in Key West Florida. As if I wasn't dying enough to visit/live in Florida, now I really want to go. The movie actually wasn't scary at all, in fact it was so lame it was funny. Especially the end when the doll knocks the dad unconscious with a baseball bat and then approaches the mom who just sits there in the corner screaming at it. Um hello, its a doll that's about a foot tall, punt it across your house. Instead, stupid bitch had to wait for her husband to regain consciousness before he threw a knife through its little doll heart and killed it.  I shit you not, but it was all for nothing because the doll had already possessed the son and he stabs the father to death 3 weeks later while the mom just sits at the bottom of the stairs screaming this time.  Good god I hope she died too because she was so fucking annoying! Here's what the real Robert the doll looks like

Finally, I went to go change the top of my electric toothbrush today and this is what I found in the drawer.  This is why the people that work for me drive me insane. First of all, why could no one tell me I was out of replacements? Second of all, why the fuck did somebody put the empty container back in the drawer? Were they just hoping I would never notice, or thinking the toothfairy would magically restock them? Christ on a cracker!

Mad cow disease

How you doin world? It's 2:30am and I'm a weirdo writing this. So I was watching Lockup on MSNBC ... cause ya know that's what normal people do at 1:30am in the morning. What? It makes me feel better about my own life. But I did learn something interesting, apparently if I go to prison in a certain county in Oklahoma I get my own special cell. Not kidding this guy was in a hallway full of cells after he got the crap beat out of him and every cell door had a handicapped symbol on them. What is going on in Oklahoma that so many of my people are getting arrested? Sure? I figured I will probably end up in one one day but I thought maybe I would just get house arrest because they would have no where to put me or take care of me, but now I know I'm wrong. Good thing I stopped gambling as much, but instead I started writing letters to famous prisoners.

Speaking of I got a response from Pamela Smart. She is currently serving a life sentence at a prison in upstate New York. Why? Because when she was a teacher at a high school in the early 90's she had an affair with one of her students and then got him and his friends to kill her husband. Hey I don't blame the guy she was fucking hot in her day. Where were these teachers when I was 17? Just kidding, or am I? The only part I think is messed up is the guys who actually took the gun, went in the house and shot her husband already got out of prison while she is serving life without parole. I mean there is a slight difference between her and Charles Manson ... don't worry I wrote him too. And I even put a batman stamp on his letter so it will stand out. Wheels crossed I get a response from Crazy Charlie. The other ones I wrote to were the guy who killed John Lennon, the Son Of Sam killer and ya know some guy as a kid that bashed another kids head in with a rock. All he sent me was a Jesus pamphlet... that is a bit Ironic cause I'm sure he is going straight to Hell. This is why I don't get religion a kid bashes another kid's head in with a rock and sodomizes him with a tree branch but because he told God he is sorry all is forgiven and now he can go to Heaven? Yeah not that I think much happens after we kick it, but if it does don't think saying I'm Sorry is going to get God to forgive all that at least not what I was taught growing up. It's more like I know I ruined this life so if there is an after life hopefully somehow I can redeem myself there. It's like drunks, and addicts when they give up their addiction just to become addicted to religion ... I'm looking at you Jesse Morrell. This kid and yes in my opinion he is just a kid, even though he has a wife and unfortunately children, was the biggest drug addict/jail bird I knew growing up. He did not even finish high school with my class like he was supposed to because of all his problems. Now he goes around to college campuses all over the US preaching his word and only his interpretation of the Bible. First of all, you are 30 stop going to colleges and trying to bang co-eds creep. Second of all, he literally believes you are pretty much going to Hell if you listen to Rap music, smoke weed, are not submissive to your husband, watch any current TV show or movie and if you have any type of sex ever. So you are telling me Mr. Morrell that you have only had sex 3 times in your life because you have 3 children. Again I knew you when we were kids, you were doing a lot more than just having premarital sex. It's okay though you get your ass kicked about once a month now because of all the crazy bullshit you say to purposely piss people off, while somehow justifying it with the Bible and wondering why you got attacked. Who knows, maybe you're on one of those crazy people who gets off on getting their ass kicked! Either that or since you don't get high anymore but are still unhappy with your life you get your high by making everyone feel just as miserable as you do. I really hope you read this I'd love to see your crazy ass response to it!

Finally there is Gimpy who is just sad once again. Somehow, she got hand, foot and mouth disease from her cousin's baby. I thought it was hoove and mouth disease and only affected cows. Also, it usually only affects small children, but somehow she still managed to get it. Gross picture at the end. She claims she got it from her cousin's baby but after looking it up me thinks she got it from taking a big old poo and not washing her hands after. Look it up, just like Pink Eye. This is one of the causes. Best part is you can have it for 3-7 days without showing any symptoms. And guess who saw her within the last week? This crip... WTF MAN! If I get some creepy cow disease from shit hands I'm gonna run over the one good foot she has left, because oh yeah I forgot to mention it's highly contagious! Poor Gimpy, tries to lose a foot by going 80 miles an hour into the back of a parked van in a go-cart, then after her 7,638 surgery she gets a chemical burn all over her body from the pool at the rehab hospital and now this shit.  I thought I might have been Hitler in a past life cause of all the shit I have gone through, well maybe it was Gimpy. Either that or she was Hitler's wife. Eww I don't wanna be married to Gimpy past life or present. Good night America before the female version of Charles Manson tries to kill me for staying up all night.





Gimpy's herpes and my response:

Annoying

I think it is very ironic that I find so many people so very annoying yet I am stuck with them helping me. Although, as much shit as I talk about the people who work for me I do generally care about them and appreciate what they do. It's just that I am always around someone so I occasionally just need to vent and be an asshole. Except for the creepy girl... She is perfect, nah not really she is just typing this so I have to pretend she is. In fact, today she decided to copy the wife and be on her phone the whole time she was supposed to be working. Plus, neither one of them can text me back in a timely manner..despite the fact that they are always on their phones at my house. At least I got a good laugh when she tripped in my bedroom before and almost busted her face on my wheelchair controller. For someone who is Canadian you would think she would be more coordinated because they play so much hockey in Canada.

 But today has been an interesting day on top of all that. When I woke up this morning I had a message from facebook saying I had to confirm my identity within a week or they would delete my new profile. Okay they have a problem with the name Malcolm Syrups, but not when I changed my old profile name to Chester Thunderburg? You have a problem with the name Malcolm Syrups but not when I change my name from Robert not putting my last name to Chester Thunderburg. That name sounds like an Australian porn star, but facebook and Mark Zuckerburg are cool with it? Fuck you, you and your company have the modern day integrity that Walmart has. I saw the social network.. you are a insecure, narcissistic prick who sells users information for money and lets companies track users, when you originally made facebook so there were not ads and only certain people could be on it. Way to be a sell out! So when I messaged FB back I sent them my old college ID where I look like Sloth from The Goonies, along with a nice message of Mark Zuckerburg is Satan, I saw the social network....check out my hot college ID photo along with stupid FB message.

Than I had another worker nagging me when I said I didn't need her to work tomorrow. Her school schedule changed and I never knew for the last two months if she was going to be coming in or not. Therefore, I got gimpy to take her shifts since she is coming back full time soon. So I got bitched and yelled at! Attention her and other girl that only show up when they feel like it, if you are not going to be here on a consistent basis than I will find someone who can be, nothing personal just business. Here is the nice text I sent to the girl who was complaining ...goodnight America!

Speaking of crazy my sister and brother in law hacked into my old FB account. Apparently they are big fans of Chester Thunderburg the Australian porn star. Not really sure what they were looking for but guys if your gonna hack my account make sure I can't see that it was logged in from the same town you both live in. Hope you found whatever you were looking for because I promise you my life and my FB are not that interesting! This is why I ghosted both of you!