Did you know his wife was in the Funky Bunch.. I shit you not look it up! It’s been a while since I wrote one of these things. Did you
miss me? I know I missed me, see I’ve been in hiding because I made the
internet hate me last week. For real, I kind of went into hiding and didn’t leave
my house for a week. Okay, that was also because I’m a morbidly obese crippled
shut in, who hates people so much, he doesn’t like to leave his house, and
truthfully I’m broke as fuck so I don’t have any money to go out and do
anything. For real, I owe Webster bank over $600, and they have started sending
the bill collectors after me. It’s not my fault they’re dumb enough to let me
open up a bank account. Anyway more on why I made the internet hate me last
week in a bit.
But first, somehow I made the finals of the choice this
comedy/ music competition I competed a few times in, at a bar in New Haven. The
guy running it was mad cool, and so were his friends, so even though I don’t know
how I made it to the finals without winning one of the six weeks. I will take
any opportunity to perform especially when I can win money. I’m pretty sure
they let me perform because they feel bad for me after the internet debacle
last week; I’m getting to it dammit! It was something about all the judges
wanted to see me come back the most, one of them was a crip, so blame him if
you dint want to see me perform! Just a joke comedy people, don’t get butt
hurt. I didn’t do too badly, I came in 8th, and did I mention there were only 8
people competing in the finals? Haha I mean as great as my jokes about paying
hot girls to wipe my ass are, I really couldn’t compete with people who sang
ass kicking versions of songs they wrote. Seriously though, the three people
that made the finals were phenomenal, and I aint talking about AJ Styles here! They
all deserved to be in the top 3 and win money. Well except maybe one of them. She
has a really annoying, high pitched voice, and kind of sings like Elmer Fudd,
but hey my voice is annoying too so what do I know… plus I felt a little bad because
some people in the front row were laughing at her during her first song. Yeah, I’m
an asshole, but I’m not that much of an asshole. I say this every year after
the Mets rip my heart out, there’s always next season? At least I hope so. Plus,
the show needs a few adjustments if they do another season. First of all, I love
the guy that hosts it and his judge friends, but as the night goes on and they
all get drunker, the show drags on forever. Seriously, it starts at 9pm, and doesn’t
end until midnight or 1 am! Also, the people who come watch are rude. Luckily, I
think they feel bad when I perform so they’re quiet and listen, but when other
people perform, and it’s not their friends or relatives, they’re either on
their phone or talking to other people the whole time. It’s a comedy/ music show,
if you don’t want to pay attention to everyone then doesn’t show up, especially
since it’s free to get in. My Asian comedy friend probably had to commit a
Harry Carey, aka suicide because people were being so rude and talking loudly
through his set that he definitely had to kill himself before Kim Jong Un tried
to honor kill his parents back in North Korea! Nah, he’s mad cool and he helped
hold the microphone while I performed, and my worker recorded it. If I ever
decide to hire a guy to help me, and not a hot girl/former stripper/former
hooker it will definitely be you!
Then there was last night, I have never felt less talented
or well known than I did at a comedy show last night. Granted it was in NYC, at
Dangerfield’s Comedy Club, yes it was formerly owned by the famous comedian
Rodney Dangerfield, or as all the idiot workers that work for me say, “WHO?” Ehh
you know he’s made a bunch of famous comedy movies over the course of three
decades, and told everyone he gets no respect, which is only one of the most
famous lines in comedy, so I totally understand why you have never heard of
him, read a book or watch one of his movies you ignorant fucks! Anyway,
everyone I saw perform before me was really talented and funny, and had great resumes
to back it up. One of the guys had a special on Netflix, another guy was in the
movie Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood, one guy opened for Louis C.K. at Madison
Square Garden, and most of the rest had headlined shows and toured around the
country. Then there was me, coming straight off a performance at a restaurant
in New Haven, and shows for 12 people at Mohegan Sun… Yeahhh, my credits didn’t
quite match up… No wonder when the host introduced me, all he came up with was
that I drove all the way from Connecticut to perform there tonight, I kind of
wish he said, “Here comes the fat, unemployed, asshole, straight out of his mom’s
basement.” To make me really feel inadequate! It started out bad but then the audience
realized it was okay to laugh at jokes making fun of myself, and things got a
lot better. Surprisingly I got some really loud laughs, I was also happy after
the show when a lot of people told me I was really funny and a few said I got
the loudest laughs of the night… I didn’t really notice I was too busy trying
not to pass out while I was up there because I was scared shitless! Even the
guy organizing the show said I was doing a good five minutes, did I mention my
set was seven minutes long. Apparently I had Pauly Shore or Dane Cook my way
through the last two minutes. Meaning I came out of nowhere, started out hot
and funny, and faded away in obscurity just as fast! In my defense I’m only
used to doing five minutes at open mics or bringer shows. You know bringer shows
that I fucking hate, but I have to do to get stage time over here… not only do
you not get paid for these shows, and spend money on food, drinks, and gas, but
you have to convince four or five of your relatives or friends to spend between
$10-20 a ticket to see you perform with half the other people performing
telling fart jokes and talking about their bowel movements. Yeah sometimes it’s
as bad as it sounds, and I know I’m risking the comedy world, especially the CT
social media comedy world internet hate me again by allowing you to peek behind
the curtain and read this, but oh well I’m not insulting people directly this
time so fuck it whatever. What happens happens!
