I am funny damnit

The other day I actually finally got the nerve up to try standup comedy, or in my case I guess it's more like sit down comedy. I decided to go fourth because I figured no matter how bad it went going that early everybody would forget. I had to say it actually went pretty well. At first I thought everyone was just being nice and saying I did a good job but I guess I did okay because one of the guys performing slipped me a note asking if I want to perform at the monthly show he puts on at the comedy club in Mohegan Sun. Of course my dirty, raunchier stuff went over well. Disappointingly when I made fun of awkward turtle it totally bombed. Apparently people just want me to say obscene obnoxious things. They recorded the show so I will eventually post a clip of my performance when I get it. I had a lot of funny stuff in my mind but once you get up there your mind goes blank. Once I do post the video, don't watch it in front of children or people who are easily offended.  I said some fucked up shit.

In other news, my workers are annoying me, shocking I know. First, I was an asshole because I got upset that one of my workers who only comes one night a week told me 24 hours in advance that she wasn't coming in for her one shift. Then she freaked out on me when I got upset for giving me hardly any time to find coverage. I understand people have other jobs and lives outside of work but god even Big Boobs McGee gave me three weeks warning that she wouldn't be here next week. They all know by now what an asshole I am, so nobody wants to work for me, and you expect me to find someone in 20 hours? I told a pregnant girl I hope she dies giving birth last week! What? That bitch had it coming she fucked up my lunch. Yeah that's going in my routine. Hey, if I made a joke about the Petit family murders, I can make jokes like that. Too soon?! I got over it though because she is coming Friday night when I really needed someone because my mom won't be around that night or Saturday morning. So I can't bitch too much. Wait... I bitch about everything of course I can bitch about this!!!

So today, the ex-wife (she knows what she did) but yeah I'm so fucked up I still have her working for me. Perhaps this is why I have daily thoughts of rolling in front of a train. I never understood how people go crazy and murder people that they love, until I met her. She has me one argument away from the psych hospital. Hope you'll come visit me when I try my jokes on the patients in there with me. I'm really not kidding. But anyways, today she kept texting me to say that she might be a few minutes late because there was a bad accident in front of ESPN and lifestar and cops were there. I kept telling her it was fine... pictures of the convo to be posted after this paragraph.

And she kept texting me some garbage about how she thought it was disrespectful to be late and she just wanted me to know even though I kept saying it was fine that she would be a few minutes late. As a joke, I told her to pop a xanax and chill because she kept going on about it. Between that comment and telling her oh my god you're already being so annoying today ... both texts clearly sarcasm... apparently she arrived here already to fight with me. Then later on she was trying to ask me questions about yeast infections and I told her I don't have a vagina so I don't really know the answer to her questions. Which was then followed up by her telling me someone had left a huge shit stain in my toilet. Well, short of me plopping out of my chair head first into the toilet and scrubbing it out with my head, I'm not sure what she wanted me to do about it.  So I told her unless you want to clean it up I'm not sure what you want me to do about it, but I don't want to keep talking about a shit stain in my toilet. Apparently all these things make me a rude horrible person and now she doesn't want to work extra hours on Saturday. Um thats not really a punishment when every time you're here all you do is drive me crazy and fight with me. You're the one popping out a baby in 4 months trying to save up money because your not going to be able to work for a while before and after. I would think you would jump or in your case waddle at the chance to pick up some more hours and save up some more money. Your hurting yourself and your future child more than me by threatening to not come in or leave in the middle of a shift or quit. If I'm that bad to work for then why do you keep coming to work? One day I'm just going to say fine when you make these threats and then you really won't be able to pay your bills. The best part is, one day she'll read this and somehow make it sound like I'm so mean, yeah I'm mean, but I don't manipulate people into caring about me and taking care of me, only to turn around and complain and threaten me every time I don't do what you want. Today's life lesson class. children should not raise children.

Procrastination is like masturbation: In the end you're just fucking yourself

So I slept for 12 hours today, and I have to say I'm pretty damn proud of it. There was a time where I would get up at 6 in the morning and go to bed by 11. But now I've determined I like to stay up and laugh at the creepy people who are up with me at 2 in the morning.

Because of me being a lazy ass, today was what I call a wear pajama pants and be depressed all day kind of day. To make my pants extra sexy, there's a big gap in the front of them but I'm too lazy to buy new ones or throw them out. I would post a picture but I don't want to scar whoever is mistakenly reading this, although you never know some people are into that shit. I'm so desperate for money I probably would post it if someone offered me money. Mostly, there is a big gap in the front of my pants because somehow all my workers lose the strings in my pajama pants. Yes, I'm aware after I write all this I will probably end up in a state run home, sitting in my own shit for three days, dying from rotting bed sores because nobody wants to work for me anymore.  But its okay we all have to go sometime. Besides, my life peaked when I was 12 and won the spelling bee in my class and ate an entire white chocolate rabbit. Yup, 1997 was a hell of a year for Robert Alan Held. I should have known it would be all downhill after that. Now I just feel like one of those creepy guys that still go to high school sports games wearing their letterman jacket from 2003. People I graduated CHS with, you know who I'm talking about.  No, those are not a picture of my actual pants below.

I was asked by one of my workers to not be mentioned in this blog but, that was the worst mistake she could have made because it all but guaranteed she will now be written about. It's fine though she got a big girl job so she only fills in on the weekends for me sometimes now. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be written about either if I was from the dirty Jers. Its the US's armpit, it's even in the shape of an armpit. Even people from New Jersey don't want to be from New Jersey. It's kind of like pretending to like chicken when you secretly like steak. You can't take a break from steak and eat chicken straight for a year and then go back to steak like it's no big deal. However, if my rich ass parents were helping me get through life I would pretend to be something I'm not too, just to keep them happy. Oh wait, my mom does support my lazy crippled ass so I guess I pretend to behave sometimes just to please her. At least I don't have to pretend to like chicken though and that I have a boyfriend who likes it also when everybody knows its just a cover for the fact that you both like steak. Yup, there is some hidden meaning to these sentences. I am a journalist though and I believe strongly in the freedom of speech and press and I'm assuming that the people I'm talking about in this blog will never read this anyways because it's not about themselves, shopping, Justin Bieber, or money, so I'm not really worried about them seeing it.

While I'm talking about hypocrites let me talk about somebody who was supposedly a friend of mine at one time. Theoretically, I may or may have not met this friend at a lets say an adult dance club in Southington where she works. My own fault for having a complex where I like to save people that are beyond saving. My first clue should have been the fact that's she's willing to show people her butthole for a dollar. For about a year, I probably gave her way too much money because I knew she didn't have a lot supposedly. During this time, she would always say that she would hang out with me and wanted to get to know me better outside of where she worked. Again, this is why I hate people and don't trust anyone but it's my own fault for being stupid enough to believe it. She would claim that all she would have time to do is work at the "club" and sleep. Well, yeah I would sleep all day too if I was constantly taking "breaks" at my job to go snort a line in the bathroom or shoot up in my car. She even tried to say she was so poor that she could barely afford to eat off the McDonalds dollar menu more than once a day. Its funny though because lately she always posts pictures of her eating at restaurants with fat creepy guys who must either be her pimp or sugar daddy. Maybe you would not have to complain about how shitty your life is if you weren't such a shitty person. You have no money yet you constantly are posting photos of the newest pokemon shit you bought because its totally normal for a girl in her mid 20s to still be buying Pikachu dolls and wearing pokemon pajamas. Its okay though karmas a bitch like you because now your teeth are rotting out of your mouth from all the drugs you do and cigarettes you smoke.  Oh yeah plus I forgot to mention the fact that you're pregnant and don't know who the father is because you're always screwing two guys at the same time, one being an unemployed 35 year old. Hopefully that baby doesn't come out with four eyes, three arms and licking windows but hey have a nice life you won't be hearing from me anymore. And if you happen to read this, truth hurts!