Haters gunna hate

So for those uninformed readers of this shit, and I feel sorry for you, I live in a little town called Cheshire Connecticut. I hate it for many many reasons, but unfortunately I will probably be stuck here til the day I die. Unless I can ever stop gambling, actually save money, and convince the work wife to take me to North Carolina with her. Anyways, why I hate Cheshire: this stupid town is most famous because of the Petit family murders, which makes everybody think it is this big scary place to live in. The truth is though that it's full of rich, old, mostly racist, white people or some combination of those categories. Most people here think they are better than you just because they have money and god forbid you don't and they are not afraid to show it. The reason I only talk to two people I grew up with in this shitty town is because most of you thought you were too cool or too good to hangout with the crippled kid. But that's okay right now all you work at crappy mediocre jobs, reliving your high school days because that is when your life peaked. I'm getting more action at 30 than you probably ever did haha. But I'm not bitter or anything. Truthfully, now that I wrote this I finally feel better after 13 years.


I also hate the cops in this town. They literally do nothing expect bust up high school parties, check on old people, and pick up roadkill. Plus, they definitely could have saved the Petit family's daughters, watch the HBO documentary and you will see.  However, not all, but most of them are self-entitled pricks who think their shit don't stink. Perfect example today: I went to the Cheshire police station today thinking they would actually help me get the lady who sideways parked in the one handicapped spot at the post office yesterday. But the douche bag cops said there is nothing they can do because for all they know I took a picture of her while she was driving. Yeah, I have it out for this lady that I framed her illegally parking in the handicapped space without a placard, with a clearly marked sign, while she's sitting in the driver's seat stuffing her fat ugly face with a tangerine. I will be writing to the newspapers and TV stations about this because I can do a better job than the cops in this town that are allegedly serving to protect us.

 Finally, I am trying to turn the van into an uber. Just have to convince my mom to let me. At least then I can start paying off some of my debt to her and everyone else. Plus, who wouldn't want to take a ride in the cripple van? Seriously, it's a pretty sweet ride and how many people can say they have done it. And who wouldn't want this adorable face coming to pick them up?

Please don't forget to donate to gofundme.com/robertsnewvan to help me Uber people around in a brand new cripple van. Or buy a hilarious shirt at booster.com/freerobert .  These funny posts don't pay for themselves. 

Procrastination is like masturbation: In the end you're just fucking yourself

So I slept for 12 hours today, and I have to say I'm pretty damn proud of it. There was a time where I would get up at 6 in the morning and go to bed by 11. But now I've determined I like to stay up and laugh at the creepy people who are up with me at 2 in the morning.

Because of me being a lazy ass, today was what I call a wear pajama pants and be depressed all day kind of day. To make my pants extra sexy, there's a big gap in the front of them but I'm too lazy to buy new ones or throw them out. I would post a picture but I don't want to scar whoever is mistakenly reading this, although you never know some people are into that shit. I'm so desperate for money I probably would post it if someone offered me money. Mostly, there is a big gap in the front of my pants because somehow all my workers lose the strings in my pajama pants. Yes, I'm aware after I write all this I will probably end up in a state run home, sitting in my own shit for three days, dying from rotting bed sores because nobody wants to work for me anymore.  But its okay we all have to go sometime. Besides, my life peaked when I was 12 and won the spelling bee in my class and ate an entire white chocolate rabbit. Yup, 1997 was a hell of a year for Robert Alan Held. I should have known it would be all downhill after that. Now I just feel like one of those creepy guys that still go to high school sports games wearing their letterman jacket from 2003. People I graduated CHS with, you know who I'm talking about.  No, those are not a picture of my actual pants below.

I was asked by one of my workers to not be mentioned in this blog but, that was the worst mistake she could have made because it all but guaranteed she will now be written about. It's fine though she got a big girl job so she only fills in on the weekends for me sometimes now. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be written about either if I was from the dirty Jers. Its the US's armpit, it's even in the shape of an armpit. Even people from New Jersey don't want to be from New Jersey. It's kind of like pretending to like chicken when you secretly like steak. You can't take a break from steak and eat chicken straight for a year and then go back to steak like it's no big deal. However, if my rich ass parents were helping me get through life I would pretend to be something I'm not too, just to keep them happy. Oh wait, my mom does support my lazy crippled ass so I guess I pretend to behave sometimes just to please her. At least I don't have to pretend to like chicken though and that I have a boyfriend who likes it also when everybody knows its just a cover for the fact that you both like steak. Yup, there is some hidden meaning to these sentences. I am a journalist though and I believe strongly in the freedom of speech and press and I'm assuming that the people I'm talking about in this blog will never read this anyways because it's not about themselves, shopping, Justin Bieber, or money, so I'm not really worried about them seeing it.

While I'm talking about hypocrites let me talk about somebody who was supposedly a friend of mine at one time. Theoretically, I may or may have not met this friend at a lets say an adult dance club in Southington where she works. My own fault for having a complex where I like to save people that are beyond saving. My first clue should have been the fact that's she's willing to show people her butthole for a dollar. For about a year, I probably gave her way too much money because I knew she didn't have a lot supposedly. During this time, she would always say that she would hang out with me and wanted to get to know me better outside of where she worked. Again, this is why I hate people and don't trust anyone but it's my own fault for being stupid enough to believe it. She would claim that all she would have time to do is work at the "club" and sleep. Well, yeah I would sleep all day too if I was constantly taking "breaks" at my job to go snort a line in the bathroom or shoot up in my car. She even tried to say she was so poor that she could barely afford to eat off the McDonalds dollar menu more than once a day. Its funny though because lately she always posts pictures of her eating at restaurants with fat creepy guys who must either be her pimp or sugar daddy. Maybe you would not have to complain about how shitty your life is if you weren't such a shitty person. You have no money yet you constantly are posting photos of the newest pokemon shit you bought because its totally normal for a girl in her mid 20s to still be buying Pikachu dolls and wearing pokemon pajamas. Its okay though karmas a bitch like you because now your teeth are rotting out of your mouth from all the drugs you do and cigarettes you smoke.  Oh yeah plus I forgot to mention the fact that you're pregnant and don't know who the father is because you're always screwing two guys at the same time, one being an unemployed 35 year old. Hopefully that baby doesn't come out with four eyes, three arms and licking windows but hey have a nice life you won't be hearing from me anymore. And if you happen to read this, truth hurts!