I am funny damnit

The other day I actually finally got the nerve up to try standup comedy, or in my case I guess it's more like sit down comedy. I decided to go fourth because I figured no matter how bad it went going that early everybody would forget. I had to say it actually went pretty well. At first I thought everyone was just being nice and saying I did a good job but I guess I did okay because one of the guys performing slipped me a note asking if I want to perform at the monthly show he puts on at the comedy club in Mohegan Sun. Of course my dirty, raunchier stuff went over well. Disappointingly when I made fun of awkward turtle it totally bombed. Apparently people just want me to say obscene obnoxious things. They recorded the show so I will eventually post a clip of my performance when I get it. I had a lot of funny stuff in my mind but once you get up there your mind goes blank. Once I do post the video, don't watch it in front of children or people who are easily offended.  I said some fucked up shit.

In other news, my workers are annoying me, shocking I know. First, I was an asshole because I got upset that one of my workers who only comes one night a week told me 24 hours in advance that she wasn't coming in for her one shift. Then she freaked out on me when I got upset for giving me hardly any time to find coverage. I understand people have other jobs and lives outside of work but god even Big Boobs McGee gave me three weeks warning that she wouldn't be here next week. They all know by now what an asshole I am, so nobody wants to work for me, and you expect me to find someone in 20 hours? I told a pregnant girl I hope she dies giving birth last week! What? That bitch had it coming she fucked up my lunch. Yeah that's going in my routine. Hey, if I made a joke about the Petit family murders, I can make jokes like that. Too soon?! I got over it though because she is coming Friday night when I really needed someone because my mom won't be around that night or Saturday morning. So I can't bitch too much. Wait... I bitch about everything of course I can bitch about this!!!

So today, the ex-wife (she knows what she did) but yeah I'm so fucked up I still have her working for me. Perhaps this is why I have daily thoughts of rolling in front of a train. I never understood how people go crazy and murder people that they love, until I met her. She has me one argument away from the psych hospital. Hope you'll come visit me when I try my jokes on the patients in there with me. I'm really not kidding. But anyways, today she kept texting me to say that she might be a few minutes late because there was a bad accident in front of ESPN and lifestar and cops were there. I kept telling her it was fine... pictures of the convo to be posted after this paragraph.

And she kept texting me some garbage about how she thought it was disrespectful to be late and she just wanted me to know even though I kept saying it was fine that she would be a few minutes late. As a joke, I told her to pop a xanax and chill because she kept going on about it. Between that comment and telling her oh my god you're already being so annoying today ... both texts clearly sarcasm... apparently she arrived here already to fight with me. Then later on she was trying to ask me questions about yeast infections and I told her I don't have a vagina so I don't really know the answer to her questions. Which was then followed up by her telling me someone had left a huge shit stain in my toilet. Well, short of me plopping out of my chair head first into the toilet and scrubbing it out with my head, I'm not sure what she wanted me to do about it.  So I told her unless you want to clean it up I'm not sure what you want me to do about it, but I don't want to keep talking about a shit stain in my toilet. Apparently all these things make me a rude horrible person and now she doesn't want to work extra hours on Saturday. Um thats not really a punishment when every time you're here all you do is drive me crazy and fight with me. You're the one popping out a baby in 4 months trying to save up money because your not going to be able to work for a while before and after. I would think you would jump or in your case waddle at the chance to pick up some more hours and save up some more money. Your hurting yourself and your future child more than me by threatening to not come in or leave in the middle of a shift or quit. If I'm that bad to work for then why do you keep coming to work? One day I'm just going to say fine when you make these threats and then you really won't be able to pay your bills. The best part is, one day she'll read this and somehow make it sound like I'm so mean, yeah I'm mean, but I don't manipulate people into caring about me and taking care of me, only to turn around and complain and threaten me every time I don't do what you want. Today's life lesson class. children should not raise children.