I should have known it was going to be a weird trip when it took Gimpy five years to take my pills out of her purse because apparently they are too heavy to carry around the grocery store when you are sun burnt. Look for Gimpys skin cancer go fund me and the Wifes lung cancer go fund me coming soon! So now that it was 2021, I went into the store it was like Grand Fucking Central when I got in there because so many people were standing by the entrance I could barely get into the store. What so many people doing in Cheshire Ct Stop and Shop at 6:30 on a Wednesday night I have no fucking idea. Probably planning more home invasions Jesus Christ that even offended me! Anyways, so I heads me down the frozen food aisle with Gimpy squawking and limping behind me because she is sunburnt... grabbing frozen pizza and ice cream for my fat ass and all of a sudden I hear a little kid yelling "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!" and probably about five more times after that. I did not realize he was talking to me because I am not famous like Stephen Hawking, what you come up with a famous cripple. So Gimpy squawks at me "ow my sun burn Robert he is talking to you!" So I wheel around to see what my fan wants besides an autograph and picture and he is about two feet tall and three years old tops and he is just staring at me. So even though I hate children I try to be nice and say hi, and he just keeps staring at me, so his grandpa yells at him "say hi to the man!" probably because Gramps thinks I am retarded talking to his three year old grandson for no reason. I am pretty sure he did not even want to talk to me he was just afraid I was going to run him over as he was running by me in the aisle!
So after that awkward incident I proceed my fat ass to the already made food area by the deli, what you would not trust Gimpy, Creepy Canadian, Awkward Turtle or the Wife to cook your food either! While I am parked there, trying to figure out what I want for dinner, Gimpy is standing right next to me with the shopping cart. Apparently I did not realize that the able bodied fat lady with corn rows I shit you not had to take a direct path right behind me instead of taking two extra steps around the bananas. Now instead of saying excuse me like a normal human she took the Cheshire Ct bitch approach and says "Good thing I am skinny!" while she is squeezing by. First of all, this is not outer space so what planet are you skinny on? Second of all have you seen Gimpy? she is so bony that her bones hurt my head when she is putting me in my wheel chair. She is skinny, you mam' are not! Also, sorry I took five seconds out of your life and two extra steps because you know my legs do not work and I wanted to figure out what I was eating for dinner. No wonder this country is the fattest in the world and about to elect Donald Trump president! USA USA USA!!!
Then on my way to check out, while Gimpy is squawking about her sun burn and limping five miles behind me I hear someone start yelling "SCOTT HEY SCOTT!" Now last time I checked my birth certificate my first and middle name was not Scott. I have been called many names mostly of the four letter variety, but never Scott. So I did not realize this person was talking to me. So then the women tapped Gimpy on the shoulder and Gimpy yelled "ow MY SUN BURN!" ok she did not say that, but the women did say to Gimpy "hey can you tell Scott I want to talk to him" then Gimpy got that deer in headlights oh no Robert is talking Chinese look on her face and said "WHAT?" She is hard of hearing you know? One day I shit you not her phone was blowing up by my computer in my house while we were in my room, and I asked her who was blowing her phone up? She looked at me 100% serious and said "oh my phone is going off?" Keep in mind the computer room is about 10 ft away from my bedroom and she has the hearing impaired setting on. Why she does not get a hearing aid? Because she does not want to look weird but the sideways walking frankenfoot that you partially amputated, along with your bony mcbones, orange hair, giant nose, and butt face does not make you feel weird! Ok I might have made up the orange hair, giant nose, and butt face but I know it pisses her off so that is why I made her type it! Anyways, back to the women who thought I was named Scott. Turned out she was the mother-in-law of the girl who I call the Mom that works for me. She just wanted to say hi because she is retiring soon from the store and she was impressed that I knew it was the Mom's mother-in-law. But still not sure how she thought my name was Scott. I do look a lot like 80's teen heart throb Scott Baio of Happy Days, and Charles in Charge fame, so maybe that is where the mix up came from. Just kidding, but did you know on Happy Days Scott Baio played a character named Chachi? He was in a horrible spin off show of Happy Days called Joanie Loves Chachi, that was so bad it got cancelled and the two characters returned to Happy Days before Happy Days got cancelled. Nobody could ever figure out why this show was so popular in Korea... Well turns out in Korean Chachi means penis. So the Koreans thought it was called Joanie Loves Penis! I shit you not true story, look it up! Also, Gimpy can not spell the word penis and blames it on the sun burn. UH-HUH!
Finally when we were checking out, first of all it took another five years and some random Chinese cashier helping Gimpy use the self check out, and second she stole an ice tea. For realz Cheshire P.D. come get Gimpy, it will give you something to do for once besides park at 7/11 and Dunkin Donuts! She wanted to go back and pay for it but I refused to let her for the 50 cents it cost. Why she did not put it on my food stamps I do not know. It was not me paying for it, it was all the people reading this tax dollars! You are welcome America! I offered to stop at the Cheshire police station that we drive by on the way to my house so Gimpy can turn herself in, but she said "no." So besides harboring a fugitive I ask myself how guilty Gimpy really feels about her stolen beverage? I blame it on the sun burn! Did I mention she had a sun burn? Sure enough while I am waiting for Gimpy to do the self check out and tumble weeds are rolling by, guess who else went rolling by sideways? My three year old fan along with Gramps pushing the cart behind him... and yup my fan really did walk sideways so he could stare at me the whole time until Gramps yelled at him to stop staring! Hell I am poor I would have taken a picture and signed something with my signature stamp for like five bucks if he wanted. I always knew being a "journalist" would get me fans I just never knew how young they started! Here is a picture of the stolen ice tea!
Here is Gimpy's sun burn notice how she looks like she survived the Holocaust, this is why her bony ass hurts me putting me back in my chair. She claims she eats a lot all the time but I have known her for nine months and have seen her eat twice. Those two times consisted of a sandwich, not like a subway one, one that your mom packs in your school lunch and two homemade cookies that I made her buy just to watch her eat that she said tasted like ass. Why Gimpy knows what ass taste like I do not want to know! But she has had a live porno made in front of her before so knows (true story)! The second time consisted of granola bar, that made her sooo full! Her parents should have named her Anna, think about it and you will get it!
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