NO SEX PLEASE, WE'RE BRITISH!!!

So here is a clip from the beautiful play that Gimpy made me go see even though she blew me off for the second time in a week. It is called No Sex Please, We're British. I never heard of it until about a month ago. Considering it was a local theater production at the Connecticut Cabaret Theatre in Berlin Ct. It was not that bad, I even laughed a few times. But yea my worker and I were probably the youngest people there by at least 20/30 years and I am 30! At least I got in for free because I wrote an article about it in the New Britain Independent. Who says I can only write about sports? Why did I go you ask? Well, Gimpy decided I had to be a creep for her and spy on the ex girlfriend of the guy she is pretending to still want to date so she does not lose $1400 going to Spain. Yup I swear I have the best people working for me. The ex girlfriend is the weird one who is doing the weird worm wiggle with her ass at the end of the video. I thought you could not do worse then Gimpy I was proven wrong. Did you know Gimpy has a random field of hay in the back of her house that looks like a vagina from up above? Why do I know this you do not want to know. It is like a random field of grass located in the middle of the woods behind my house. Nobody knows how it got there.

Highlights from the play include making best friends with the random old lady who got sat next to us at our table. Yep, she brought ginger ale to drink and am I surprised hell no, it is about as surprising as when the wife or the awkward turtle do not turn me in the middle of the night! It is only their job that they are paid to do why would they do such a thing? I found out random old lady's brother was from Worchester Mass. because my worker made the mistake of telling her she was too.Apparently she has season tickets I did not know this was a thing at the Ct Cabaret Theatre in Berlin Ct. At least she did not burp herself awake. Then there was the old ladies sitting across the table from us passing around a handle of vodka they opened right before the show mixed with sparkling waters I am not kidding. They also brought multiple bags of popcorn and peanuts with bowls to pour them in and lets not forget about the black solo cups because they are classier then red solo cups. Yup you are allowed to bring your own food and drinks to this place if I had known I would have gotten incredibly intoxicated while I was there. Apparently the old ladies sitting at the table in front of me did because at one point when the two girls playing hookers in the play including worm butt she yells, " what kind of hooker is she? She has no boobs!" Yep she was talking about crazy chain smoking worm butt aka daughter of Janis Joplin aka crazy ex girlfriend. Seriously it was like geezers gone wild in there if they got anymore liquored up they probably would have started throwing their depends and dentures on the stage. Seriously there was an old couple making out in the back. It was as nasty as when I saw the fat old couple making out in front of me at the Mets game yesterday dont nobody want to see that just be grateful you found each other! There is truly someone out there for everyone... love you wifey! Here is an awkward photo of worm butt! She is the Blonde one with her mouth hanging open.

   This chick be delusional. First of all she calls herself an actor when I am pretty sure a female actor is called an actress. Second of all she thinks she is going to become way famous by starring in local plays in Berlin that she pays to have a role in. Not making this up! She is also apparently going to Bali to finish her yoga journey or become a Baliwood "actor" I have no fucking idea. But she was also supposed to move to Australia and other parts of the world throughout the years with her ex boyfriend and that never happened. So it is probably as likely to happen as it is for me to win a Pulitzer Prize for writing this blog or reviews for No Sex Please, We're British! She also claims to be a singer when she smokes more then the wife and a chimney combined! Did I mention I love you wifey? Unfortunately she did not talk in the play very much so I could not really tell you what she sounds like but I am guessing it is close to the noise that Flappy made the time he accidentally got outside to our driveway and saw the neighbors cat it was not pretty folks! Speaking of not pretty they could not find better looking chicks to play hookers? First of all these broads paid to be in these roles... You could not be a little more picky? One of them had no boobs and is insane, the other one she looked like she came out on the other side of Caitlyn Jenner. I mean she had boobs but I think she might really be an actor aka she has a dick! She definitely had side burns and bad teeth so she could have passed as a British hooker I guess. Vote Trump2016!

Finally, you know what annoys me? People who lie about stupid shit that does not matter. Gimpy told me today that the Creepy Canadians boyfriend makes money  climbing into poop tanks and cleaning them out. When I asked Creepy Canadian if this was true she said no he does heating and air conditioning, which is true but she left out one important detail he climbs into poop tanks and cleans them. Why probably because she knows I am an asshole and will write about this and hysterically laugh, or she is just in denial which is not just a river in Egypt you know. Hey there is no shame in it you make a shit ton of money cleaning out poop tanks!  Or there was the time she had to train Gimpy when I first hired her. Gimpy had remembered meeting her at a party, but the Creepy Canadian said she did not remember meeting her. I said probably because you were blackout drunk, which she tried to deny. Not only did Gimpy confirm my theory, but apparently the Creepy Canadian was so drunk that she peed on Gimpy's foot in the woods that night! Yeah I wouldn't want to remember that night either then.