Woken up with a burp

Okay, so today Gimpy dragged me to the hair salon so she could get her hair did. I shit you not I sat there for three hours watching her get her hair done and look like an alien life form in the process. The highlights were that her best friend/ hair dresser looks like Demi Lovato, accidentally got bleach on Gimpy's eyebrow so they had to die it back to brown because it had yellow spots all over it, Miley is violently trying to claw my worker in the face or commit cat rape while I write this.  My poor workers, if it's not bad enough that I constantly fart in their face and blame it on Miley, they also have to deal with Miley and her balding Mohawk and puking randomly throughout the house now once a week. Plus, lets not forget the fact that her and Flappy like to sit by the door and meow at the top of their lungs for hours. Then, if you try to let them outside, Miley is scratching to come back in within about 4 minutes and Flappy just stares at you wondering why you opened the door for him. This is why Charles is the preferred cat of the household. He hides in the ceiling in my basement, comes back about five minutes a day to make sure my mom is home and he gets fed and otherwise runs if the doorbell or phone rings, because the world is big and scary, at least that's what I've learned from him. Miley is still being a needy whore, she ate something off the mouse pad, licked my worker's arm, climbed the computer table and finally walked away in diva disgust for not getting any attention from my worker and I, while I wrote this.

Then there was the old lady getting her hair done while Gimpy was as well. Granted she was probably born during FDR's first administration, but she was falling asleep while she was waiting for her hair to finish getting colored. All of a sudden, I heard a loud belching sound. At first I wasn't sure I heard correctly so I looked over at Gimpy who smiled at me and mouthed did you hear that? That is how I knew this lady burped, but not only did she burp but as I later found out from Gimpy she had burped herself awake. That is almost as good as when I had my horrible stomach virus in the hospital and I farted myself awake. Between that and all the old people who couldn't drive on the way there and on the home way, it was horrible. Hello people it's barely raining and it's been raining for like 2 straight weeks in crappy Connecticut, you can at least drive the speed limit. My favorite was Lucile, yes, that is what her license plate said. On the way to the hair salon she felt the need to break at every light and intersection even if there was no stop sign and the light was green. On top of that, good ole Lucile thought it would be funny to get my hopes up when she turned her signal light on at Dunkin Donuts, even though it was on the right and she was on the left side of the road, but after swerving back towards the driveway of DD, she decided no she had to go feed her cats and turned off her signal light and proceeded down the road in front of us at about 10 miles per hour. There was a huge line of cars behind us. I finally ran out of patience so I made Gimpy fly by her in the turn lane by the Walmart in Southington. You know it's bad when the 11 year-old van with 100.000 miles and bad brakes and massive shaking blows your doors off, but apparently Penelope still has some fight left in her.

Finally, there was the great news 8 broadcast I watched at 6pm tonight. Granted somebody who used to help me when I went to SCSU works as a reporter there now, but black baby Yeezus they had some stupid ass stories on tonight. First, there was the story about what to do if you see a black bear in our state. First of all, are people really that stupid that they need to be told what to do if they see a bear in the wild? Apparently, yes, because they had such great tips such as if you see one, don't take a picture with it. Okay, if you're dumb enough to be that fucking stupid as to try and take a selfie with a fucking bear you deserve to get eaten/mauled to death. There goes my great summer plan of strapping fish to myself and sitting in the woods of east buttfuck Connecticut waiting to take my bear selfies, too bad I even bought myself a bear selfie-stick. Second, are there really that many bears in this stupid state that we need a story on the news about what to do if we see one? If the answer isn't run and scream like a girl without shitting your pants then I guess so. Yes, I know you are not suppose to run or make a lot of noise because it actually encourages them to hunt you down. Your suppose to back away slowly or stand up against a tree with a stick in your hand so it runs into the stick and kills itself. Thank you weird ass discovery shows for teaching me how to not end up like the crocodile hunter or grizzly man. Who would of thought spending all your summers in the Alaskan wilderness with bears along with your wife would result in the both of you getting eaten alive by a bear, especially when you interacted with them like they were humans. Seriously watch Grizzly Man, the guy in it is so fucking dumb that you will be happy he gets eaten at the end. He thought his best friend was a fox and sobbed like a bitch when it got killed. I shit you not.


The other story I enjoyed on channel 8 tonight was the police are looking for a man in some stupid town in this stupid state who stole $700 worth off of shrimp from a grocery store. Why did this man need so much shrimp? And is there such a high demand on the black market for shrimp that he thinks he can turn a quick profit on his stolen shrimp? Either that or he has some freaky weird fetish I don't want to know about but will probably see on My Strange Addiction. But yeah, I don't think they're ever going to catch this idiot and even if they do why was this on the news? I know it's wrong that he stole but $700 dollars worth of shrimp and nobody saw him take it out of the store and maybe thought to try and stop him? Also, yeah I honestly don't care that he did even if it is illegal, you go Glen Cocoa, and enjoy your illegally obtained excessive amount of shrimp. I believe these two stories are good examples of why people feel the mainstream media has taken a serious downturn in the news they report. Hell, I work in this industry technically and I was even embarrassed watching these stories! Stop laughing, just because I write for a website and don't technically get paid yet along with this hilarious blog, doesn't mean I am not technically a journalist. I have a degree to prove it and it's not from an online University in Granada.  It's from this school that famous Alumni include a guy who makes Bagels and the daughter of Ed McMahon who got a building after himself despite going bankrupt before he died, even though his daughter never actually graduated from Quinnipiac... yeah she flunked out. Those are some great Alumni!