Train-wrecks

Being the sexy disabled gentleman I am, I have met, come across or ran into many train-wrecks in my day. Why in my 30 + years on this earth so many of them have come in and out of my life I do not know. Maybe they think I'm a wheelchair so they feel like oh his life might suck slightly more than mine so I will tell him all about the baggage I have. Even if he just happens to be sitting next to me on a train or in the waiting room of the hospital. Or maybe they just think I'm MR (Mentally Retarded) so I'll just smile, drool and say nothing back to them because I'm too busy trying to figure out the next window I want to lick the shit out of.  I'm not kidding I attract freaks like Donald Trump attracts endorsements from the KKK. We don't really want them but don't discourage them either. Why? Because they are just so fucking entertaining and it makes this blog a lot more interesting. Here's what I'm talking about. And you tell me if you think this is fucked up:

Ok so in my younger stupider days I would do just about anything for money. Dear God don't ever google wheelchair guy in CT + pancakes + clown car or you will be sorry with what you find. Whatever they would pay good money for clown pancake porn. Just kidding or am I? But I do know someone who is the father of a child of a friend of a friend's daughter ( follow me?) that got paid $20,000 to take it up the ass from his best guy friend when he was a kid. And yeah his baby momma still wants to be with him despite the fact that he has done gay porn, has cheated numerous times and has online dating profiles while still "together".  Plus he is an alcoholic with no license and barely a job, only because of his Dad who is about to throw him out of the house. This makes me feel better about the Wife and I's dysfunctional relationship because at least she's not on Farmer's Only and there are no videos of me online forever taking it up the ass biting a pillow for the whole world to see.

Anyways moving on, back in the day I found an ad on Craigslist from this girl that would pay me to write term papers for her. Being the idiot I am I did this for her for years. What, she was a huge slut and hot and sent me all sorts of bad stuff. In my defense this was way before the Wife came into the picture. The funny part is Big Boobs McGee would talk mad shit about her and kept telling me to stop being friendly with her and helping her with college. But believe it or not I have a soul so I felt bad for her. Shit she told me not joking: she was a pill head, she's a sex addict, confirmed by her sister, her mom is a crazy bipolar and cheats on her stepdad all the time and she has walked in on it, not to mention that her own sister said she is a drug addict whore that needs rehab and only uses people til she gets what she wants out of them. Oh and did I mention once sent me a picture of her boyfriend fucking her up the ass? I saved all these photos if anyone wants to see them. Maybe I can sell them on one of those revenge porn websites? Don't worry I'm not going too, but I might at this point. Finally this bitch is 30 and still a college undergrad, and has been to rehab more times than Lindsay Lohan and still snorts coke off all her boyfriends dicks. Ok, that was a slight exaggeration. But only slightly. Long story short, we ended up having a big fallout because she got mad that when she texted me my workers could see it because she would write and send such personal stuff. Um Amy Winehouse Jr, how do you think I was texting you back? You have met me in person and you know I can't move my fucking arms without assistance. Plus, the people working for me have seen worse things than veterans of the Vietnam War on my phone. They give no fucks. So since she never paid me the last paper I wrote for her, I contacted her professor and blew up her spot. Fast forward and she shows up at my house hysterically crying on New Year's Eve of all days because she was too cracked out to remember what day it was and that I could not respond to her on her phone because she blocked me on everything. She paid me finally, and truthfully I didn't give a fuck enough about this person and her sad life to see her get thrown out of college while she's collecting retirement. Get it? World's oldest undergrad student people .... her daughter comes to class to change her and her baby's diaper. Couldn't resist!! So I gave her professor a story about lying to get back at her and she was re-instated at whatever Mr Burns from the Simpson's went to. No, she's too dumb for Yale.... it's Uconn and not the main campus. One of the satellite ones the special people go to, seriously this dumb guy I went to high school with went to the same college as she did. Straight special ed classes this guy was in. He was scary. One time I think I saw him smelling a girl's hair in class. I swear to God. Not to mention the violent outbursts of anger in the hallway. One time somebody accidentally knocked him down in the hallway (true accident mind you) and he got up slammed his locker got in the kids face and yelled "WHAT THE HELL!" Violent outburst kid is about 5'4 and 80 pounds. And currently works at the QU Polling Institute. So his degree has done him a lot of good. But yeah anyways I told Whitney Houston's daughter (too soon?) that I would do her this favor even though she is a shitty person and I knew she would never want anything to do with me again. She swore up and down that wasn't true but sure enough it was. So here comes the kicker now her and Big Boobs McGee are friends and hang out all the time. Seriously? BBM your life wasn't fucked up enough? Remember how we met? And you're bringing this bitch into your friends circle? The same one you talked mads shit to me about. Good luck with that. You've always had a weird habit of trying to be friends with people I'm friends with. Be they strippers, ex girlfriends or the Wife. She's just the first one dumb enough to go along with it, but no I don't feel like hearing about your latest benders together, or what guys you're both screwing in the restrooms while you snort some lines. Have you seen Molly?

Finally, I know I share way too much information on here and social media. But here is a lovey status I came across in my Facebook newsfeed today:

Not to sound gross or unlady like.. Butttt I have major gas today 😅 and I don't think (Husband's name has been deleted to protect identity of the individual)  is enjoying it.. He goes, you nasty..
I'm like, well you do it all day every day so you better love my gas.. It's your son who is putting pressure on my insides that is causing it and all the weird foods he makes me crave and eat.. 😡
‪#‎lovethegas‬ 😅

It's great that you just got married and you two are having a baby. But here is what I know about this chick that lives in Hawaii and friends with BBM of course! Her and her now husband I guess, it's a nice day for a white wedding, can you say shotgun? They split up several time while she has been pregnant, she always brags about how guys still hit on her despite her pregnancy while they were split up, constantly brags about their sex life because every secure relationship requires you to brag about your sex life on Facebook, and constantly posts pictures and statuses of them talking about how in LOVE they are. Oh so that's why come February you were looking for a new baby daddy. Yeah I see this marriage ending on Divorce Court. Where all the crazy attention seeking couples end up when that last payment from your Burger King lawsuit of getting burnt by hot grease runs out. "Who's gonna buy Lacy diapers now that the Dag-gone money done run out? Dernit Jethro!" I don't even know you and this all the crazy shit I know about your life! Dear God make it stop!!! I remember when I use to know important things like State Capitals and all the Presidents of the United States. Now I have to worry about baby momma trying to figure out how to pay the fucking cable bill before Jethro blows his paycheck at the bar. Thanks Facebook! What happened to my life?